Hogan's Heroes (1965) s05e18 Episode Script
The Softer They Fall
( theme song playing ) I'm sure you've all seen Bruno here I mean, Battling Bruno, train in camp, huh.
We have.
Yes, sir, we've watched him.
Just what do you think of him as a fighter, huh? His footwork's lousy, he can't counterpunch, his timing stinks and he doesn't breathe properly.
But you like him as a person.
He has a nice smile.
For your information, Battling Bruno has won his last 13 fights by knockouts.
Was he fighting men or girls, sir? Ooh! ( chuckling ): Fighting girls.
Were you? Silence! Now, here's the situation.
We have here the Luftstalag Boxing Tournament and as you can see, Battling Bruno has reached the finals.
He was fighting girls.
He's scheduled to fight Killer Kandisky, a guard at Stalag 9, for the Luftwaffe Championship on the 31st.
And on the 30th he goes into hiding, right? Now listen, it is important for the prestige of Stalag 13 that he win that championship.
Sergeant, I understand that you are an experienced fighter.
Oh, I don't know about that, sir.
I just fought in the Golden Gloves.
You will train Bruno for the big fight.
Start at once.
HOGAN: Hold it! Hold it! There's nothing in the Geneva Prisoner-of-War Convention that requires a man to be a sparring partner.
However, for certain considerations What do you want, Hogan? Extra half hour of hot water per day, some extra bread rations at least once a month and a few organized walks in the countryside.
Some of the men are very interested bird watchers.
Walks in the countryside, hmm? ( slams table ) So you can try escaping.
We've got to start somewhere.
I can give you everything but that.
Okay, Bruno has himself a sparring partner.
Right, Kinch? Sounds fair.
( phone rings ) Hello, Colonel Klink speaking.
Heil Hitler.
Oh! Oh, General Burkhalter.
How very nice to hear from you.
What's that, sir? Yes, sir, "shut up and listen," yes, sir.
Oh, you're arriving tonight with Captain Stahl and Major Rudel.
Yes, sir, your quarters will be ready for you, yes, sir.
What? Top secret meeting.
Get out of here! Don't worry, sir, I won't tell a soul.
Mm-hmm.
( in German accent ): Where is Private Mueller? Private Mueller, Herr Leutnant? Ja, the man I ordered to stand guard outside that door.
I didn't know we had a Private Mueller, sir.
What about Schmidt? Oh, we have a Sergeant Schmidt, sir.
Ah, that's the man.
Where is he? Off duty, I believe, sir.
Off duty? Dummkopf! He disobeyed my orders.
I will see he is transferred to the Russian Front! Yes, sir.
I will see his entire family is transferred to the Russian Front! Now you go outside and take his place outside that door.
I will stand here.
Jawohl, Herr Leutnant.
Quick march.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, eins, zwei, drei, vier, eins, zwei, drei, vier.
BURKHALTER: Captain Stahl and Major Rudel here are assigned to the Luftwaffe High Command, the planning staff.
High Command? Gentlemen, more cognac.
We are here on a rather delicate matter-- internal service politics.
You have certainly come to the right man for delicate matters.
( chuckles ) Your career is a delicate matter.
BURKHALTER: The British radar network has been frustrating our air attacks.
The captain and the major here have a plan for knocking them out.
Combined sabotage and Stuka attacks.
Very carefully coordinated.
Sounds good to me.
Based on my experiences, they should work.
Thank you, Colonel Klink.
Now, because of a few senior officers, the captain and the major have not been able to get a hearing for the plan.
I have suggested to commit this idea to paper in full detail, then I will take it to Göring personally.
We need a place to work for about a week ( whispering ): in absolute privacy.
They will be dealing in top secret material: strength of our first-line units, airfield locations, names of German agents in England, all that sort of thing.
Can you accommodate us, Colonel? Oh, I shall be greatly honored.
I mean, if my small contribution will help to destroy the British radar, that's all the reward I need.
Commandant, you are a truly patriotic officer.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Oh, you might mention my name to Reichsmarschall Göring, if he likes the plan.
And they're going to work in the VIP quarters.
Just around the corner.
Imagine the classified information they need for a plan like that.
Yeah, all those secret goodies sitting right on top of our tunnel.
NEWKIRK: They'll be guarding that building like the bloody Bank of England.
We'd only need ten, maybe 15 minutes with a camera.
Some way to draw those guards away from that building.
Maybe we could invite them over to watch Battling Bruno train.
Oh, sure, they'll leave their post.
Not very likely.
You know, your average Nazi just isn't a boxing fan.
Well, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Yeah.
They might not leave to watch training, but a real fight could be something else.
When you're sparring with Bruno, do you think you could lay him out? Lay him out? The problem's going to be keeping him on his feet.
Herr Kommandant.
All equipment is in the building as ordered.
Very good, Sergeant Schultz.
Post a 24-hour guard, your best men.
No unauthorized person is to enter or leave that building.
Sir, there is no need for you to worry about security.
I don't worry about security.
It's you and Schultz that keep me on edge.
I assure you Schultz excuse me, gentlemen.
You got some smelling salts? Smelling salts? Yeah, your boy Battling Bruno is clobbering Kinchloe.
Marvelous! Get the smelling salts.
Kinch is supposed to be the sparring partner, not a punching bag.
That Bruno's a real killer.
That's the guard who will bring the championship to Stalag 13.
Hey, Schultz, hurry it up! A killer.
I'm glad someone around here is dangerous.
I'd like to see this myself.
Come on.
Schultz! KLINK: There he is, Herr General, a great example of a fighting man in action.
Hmm, what a specimen.
Ja, I wish he was one of ours.
( bell dings ) I meant Battling Bruno, not the prisoner.
You have visitors.
Yeah, so I see.
Mm-hmm.
You know what to do.
Uh-huh.
Next round.
Make it look good.
( bell dings ) He knows that we're here, so he's going to try and put on a show.
( onlookers calling out ) LeBEAU: Give it to him.
Come on, Kinch.
HOGAN: Beautiful.
( one person applauds ) Your Battling Bruno is showing off, all right.
A lucky blow, that's all, Herr General.
The smelling salt, Herr Kommandant.
Smelling salt! Foul! I saw it very clearly.
Foul! Foul! Well, if I know Burkhalter, we've got our fight.
Carter, save two ringside seats for Captain Stahl and Major Rudel.
It was an accident.
Doesn't matter.
By now the news has traveled: A German has been knocked out by an American prisoner of war, and a black American prisoner of war at that.
Ah, let the news travel.
Who cares? It may get to the Führer.
I care very much, that's who cares.
But surely Hitler wouldn't, I mean Do you recall the 1936 Olympics in Berlin? An American, Jesse Owens-- every time he won a gold medal, Hitler left the stadium rather than watch the presentation.
But certainly Hitler could not compare that to He'll manage, don't worry.
Surely Battling Bruno would not let himself be knocked out again.
Ja.
I keep my eyes open, Herr Kommandant.
Ja, ja.
Not good enough.
We must even up the score.
It must be known a German can beat an American at anything.
( clicks heels ) Klink! Arrange a fight between your champion here and Sergeant Kinchloe.
And Klink, Bruno must win! That's an order.
Well, I can't guarantee that But you will.
You mean cheat? Don't bother me with details.
You'll knock him out or you'll find yourself fighting a Russian bear for the Stalingrad Championship.
And guess who will be in your corner, shivering.
You mean a real fight? Regulation gloves, no headgear? Correct.
Marquess of Queensberry rules.
He was one of our chaps, you know.
I don't know, it's up to Kinch.
He's the one that's got to do the fighting.
Sparring partner is one thing, but really fighting that killer, I don't know.
You knocked him out.
Lucky shot, Commandant.
Yeah, very lucky.
I saw the whole thing.
I believe I detect a note of fear.
Colonel, we've been together a long time.
I don't want to see Kinch hurt.
Right.
That Bruno's a slasher.
He puts me in the mind of Max Schmeling.
Uh, sir, request permission to speak.
Sic him, Andrew.
Well, sir, as you know, an officer's duty is to protect his men.
Now, if you let Kinch fight that brute I won't order Kinch to fight Bruno; I can't.
But, well, if he doesn't accept the challenge, I just hate the idea of commanding Hogan's Cowards.
It's got a nice sound to it: Hogan's Cowards.
I like it.
Well, what's the decision? Well, I can't let this side down.
Okay, I'll fight Bruno.
Are you out of your mind?! You haven't had the kind of food! Back off, fellas.
Kinch made up his own mind.
Excellent.
Shall we say Wednesday night? Right, your boy has a fight.
Good luck.
You'll need it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Ha! ( grunts ) Hey, maybe I ought to fight Bruno.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
SCHULTZ: Eins, zwei, drei, vier-- faster, faster, schneller, schneller, schneller, schneller.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier Ah, Bruno, you're looking very good.
Herr Kommandant! Danke, Kommandant.
Now, your orders are to knock out Sergeant Kinchloe in the first round.
( chuckles ): That'll teach them a lesson about German superiority.
First round, sir? I don't know if Now, uh I have something here that will ensure a first-round knockout.
Now, you will place these insurance policies in your gloves.
But Herr Kommandant, this is cheating.
Schultz, all is fair in war.
Herr Kommandant, as sergeant of the Luftwaffe and a man of honor, I object! Would you also object as a private in the Luftwaffe, huh? This is going to be a terrific fight! Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
The odds are now six to four.
Stay in line.
Keep moving.
CARTER: Have your money ready, please.
Cash only-- no checks.
Right, the credit department's on the roof.
Take the lift-- there you go.
All right, we'll put the loudspeakers right about here.
That should draw the Krauts away from the VIP building.
Uh-huh, that should take the heat off LeBeau.
Fine.
Carter, you're going to handle volume control from ringside.
I want you to start out high, fade down low.
Newkirk'll tell you when.
Okay.
LeBeau, I figure about 15 minutes for the pictures, huh? Oui-- the camera is ready, Colonel.
Kinch, that means the fight's got to go at least six rounds-- no less.
If I have to carry Bruno in my arms.
Loudspeaker, w-what loudspeaker? What, what, what? General Burkhalter asked us to set it up, so the men on guard duty could hear a blow-by-blow description.
Yeah, and Andrew will do a bloody good job of it, too.
Yeah, he's the announcer type.
You mean Carter is going to broadcast on these? Uh-huh.
Any objections? Why didn't Commandant Klink tell me about it? I could have set it up.
Well, he was looking for you, big fella.
I was in the kitchen.
Grazing on liverwurst again? ( chuckling ) Official business! Schultz, it's about time you got out of the kitchen and into the war.
Loudspeaker system? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Installed and ready.
I did it myself, just like General Burkhalter ordered it.
General Burkhalter ordered? Oh oh, yes, yes, of course.
Just as General Burkhalter ordered it.
And Carter's broadcast will be enjoyed by every man on duty.
What? Oh oh, yes, indeed.
I-I'm sure it will.
Very good, very good, Schultz.
Carry on.
It's a loudspeaker, Herr General.
I know what it is, Klink.
You know, they should hear the broadcast very plainly.
Sergeant Carter is an excellent announcer.
The more men who hear it, the better.
Smart idea letting their own man describe the fight.
Oh, I knew the setup would satisfy you.
I supervised it myself.
Good thinking.
Is it possible I have been underestimating you all these years, Klink? No, it's not possible.
( feedback comes through loudspeaker ) MAN ( over loudspeaker ): Testing-- one, two, three, four.
( applause, cheers, conversation ) LeBEAU: Ho, ho! ( exclaiming ) ( bell ringing ) Good evening, gentlemen, and a very warm "Heil Hitler" to you all.
Now, the contest this evening takes place with the kind permission of a man whose brilliance is matched only by his high rank.
I refer, of course, to none other than the one and only General Burkhalter.
( boos and catcalls, scattered applause ) Silence! Any POW who gets out of line will find himself in solitary confinement on bread and water.
So enjoy yourselves and have a good time.
( bell rings three times ) Now the contestants.
In this corner, wearing black trunks at 205 pounds, the pride of Stalag 13 and the champion of all the Luftstalags, Battling Bruno.
( mixed boos and cheers ) Boo! In the far corner, at 195 pounds, one of our most popular POWs, Sergeant Kinchloe.
( raucous cheers and applause ) ( bell rings once ) The referee for tonight's contest is Oberleutnant Herman Schmelzer, Fourth Panzer Brigade and at present the president of the Düsseldorf Athletic Club.
( applause and boos ) The judges: General Burkhalter, Captain Stahl, Major Rudel and, of course, your commandant.
( chuckles ) NEWKIRK: All Nazi judges and a Kraut referee.
Has all the makings of a fair fight.
( bell ringing ) KLINK: I want a good, clean fight.
No gouging.
In case of a knockdown, you go to the neutral corner.
Now shake hands.
When the bell rings, you come out fighting.
Good luck to you both.
May the best man-- ( aside ): Battling Bruno-- win.
Did you get the insurance policies? ( metal clinks ) Good.
Don't forget-- first-round knockout.
( scattered applause ) ( rings bell ) ( audience conversing ) Guten Abend, sports fans.
This is Sergeant Andrew Carter speaking to you ringside here at Luftstalag 13 Sports Palace, ready to bring you a blow-by-blow detail of this very, very great contest.
The boys are in the center of the ring now.
They're sparring around just a little bit, feeling each other out now.
Bruno looks like he can do some real damage here this evening.
CARTER ( over loudspeaker ): Well, I'd hate to be in there with him.
Friends, I just wish you could be here with us.
There goes that Battling Bruno now with a big uppercut! And Kinchloe looks like he's in trouble.
Bruno and Kinchloe are going into a clinch, the referee breaks it up.
There they go now.
Kinch backing away.
Bruno looks very, very good.
He tries tries a left now there, tries a left.
Bruno just caught Kinch there with a big left hook to the chin.
Kinch is on the deck and the referee's counting now.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine.
( rings bell ) ( scattered applause, conversation ) Hey, you're doing a great job.
Great job, Kinch.
Could have fooled me.
I thought you were out.
You thought? What'd you say your name was? You're kidding.
That guy's got something in his gloves feels like two Sherman tanks.
He really caught me.
Should have figured on a double cross.
Stay out of his way, get on your bicycle.
You can believe it.
Hey, suppose he clips me again? Then we're all going to take the count, in front of a firing squad.
Newkirk, get going on the P.
A.
Right, sir.
Excuse me, sir, we've had a complaint from the men in the compound.
It's not loud enough.
Well, let's do something about it at once.
Yes, sir.
That should do it.
Good.
( rings bell ) CARTER: And there goes the bell for round two.
Yes, sir, and now Kinchloe's coming out looking very fresh and ready.
Yes, sir, he is ready for revenge.
He's circling around now, keeping away from that old Teutonic left hook that laid him on the deck.
( barely audible ): And Bruno takes a left to the body and a right.
And now he comes for the jab to Kinchloe's head.
He's connected! Wow, Kinchloe's now shaking his head, trying to clear it out, but there's no chance.
Let me tell you something, fight fans-- this Battling Bruno can really hit.
He doesn't connect very often, but when he does ( camera clicks ) CARTER: A left, a right, another left and now another right.
Oh, boy, they're in a clinch now.
Now they're separated by the referee, Oberleutnant Herman Schmelzer.
Now they're backing away and now Kinchloe's What is this? You're supposed to be on duty.
GUARD: Back to your posts! Schnell, both of you, move! ( door opens ) ( door closes ) Now Kinchloe's slowed down just a little bit now from the pressure from that bruising, brutish Battling Bruno.
What a fight this has been.
Yes, sir, I wish you folks out there in Krautland could have been here with us this evening because we've really seen ourselves some battle.
Ooh, and Kinchloe is down.
That battling Bruno caught him again with that big left hook.
This could be curtains for Kinchloe now.
Four, five ( rings bell ) Schultz, isn't it exciting? ( panting ) I'm sorry, Colonel.
LeBeau's not finished-- he's not back yet.
( breathing hard ) Okay ( clears throat ) back on the bicycle.
( cheers and exclamations ) ( no voice ) Look out for that bloody uppercut! NEWKIRK: Stick him, Kinch! MAN: That a boy! NEWKIRK: Stick him! Stick him! Now, Kinch, now! ( men cheering ) Stop the fight! Stop the fight! We give up! We give up! KINCH: But Colonel! I just couldn't stand by seeing you take this punishment, Kinch.
I'm sorry, it's just inhuman.
One minute and ten seconds of the seventh round, the winner and champion of Stalag 13, Battling Bruno.
( mixed cheers and boos ) You know this loss is costing us a bloody fortune.
Worth every penny for the pictures I got.
Don't worry, we'll put it on the expense account to London.
Hey, didn't I pay you once? Hey, Fritz, come! Hey, listen now, any of you Nazis trying to collect twice, you're going to get in serious trouble.
I mean it.
You, Sergeant Kinchloe, put up a great fight.
Thank you, General.
But the superiority of the master race will tell every time.
And Battling Bruno is still champion of Stalag 13.
Uh, I'd like to be the one to tell him that, sir as soon as he wakes up.
Which should be in a day or so.
We have.
Yes, sir, we've watched him.
Just what do you think of him as a fighter, huh? His footwork's lousy, he can't counterpunch, his timing stinks and he doesn't breathe properly.
But you like him as a person.
He has a nice smile.
For your information, Battling Bruno has won his last 13 fights by knockouts.
Was he fighting men or girls, sir? Ooh! ( chuckling ): Fighting girls.
Were you? Silence! Now, here's the situation.
We have here the Luftstalag Boxing Tournament and as you can see, Battling Bruno has reached the finals.
He was fighting girls.
He's scheduled to fight Killer Kandisky, a guard at Stalag 9, for the Luftwaffe Championship on the 31st.
And on the 30th he goes into hiding, right? Now listen, it is important for the prestige of Stalag 13 that he win that championship.
Sergeant, I understand that you are an experienced fighter.
Oh, I don't know about that, sir.
I just fought in the Golden Gloves.
You will train Bruno for the big fight.
Start at once.
HOGAN: Hold it! Hold it! There's nothing in the Geneva Prisoner-of-War Convention that requires a man to be a sparring partner.
However, for certain considerations What do you want, Hogan? Extra half hour of hot water per day, some extra bread rations at least once a month and a few organized walks in the countryside.
Some of the men are very interested bird watchers.
Walks in the countryside, hmm? ( slams table ) So you can try escaping.
We've got to start somewhere.
I can give you everything but that.
Okay, Bruno has himself a sparring partner.
Right, Kinch? Sounds fair.
( phone rings ) Hello, Colonel Klink speaking.
Heil Hitler.
Oh! Oh, General Burkhalter.
How very nice to hear from you.
What's that, sir? Yes, sir, "shut up and listen," yes, sir.
Oh, you're arriving tonight with Captain Stahl and Major Rudel.
Yes, sir, your quarters will be ready for you, yes, sir.
What? Top secret meeting.
Get out of here! Don't worry, sir, I won't tell a soul.
Mm-hmm.
( in German accent ): Where is Private Mueller? Private Mueller, Herr Leutnant? Ja, the man I ordered to stand guard outside that door.
I didn't know we had a Private Mueller, sir.
What about Schmidt? Oh, we have a Sergeant Schmidt, sir.
Ah, that's the man.
Where is he? Off duty, I believe, sir.
Off duty? Dummkopf! He disobeyed my orders.
I will see he is transferred to the Russian Front! Yes, sir.
I will see his entire family is transferred to the Russian Front! Now you go outside and take his place outside that door.
I will stand here.
Jawohl, Herr Leutnant.
Quick march.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier, eins, zwei, drei, vier, eins, zwei, drei, vier.
BURKHALTER: Captain Stahl and Major Rudel here are assigned to the Luftwaffe High Command, the planning staff.
High Command? Gentlemen, more cognac.
We are here on a rather delicate matter-- internal service politics.
You have certainly come to the right man for delicate matters.
( chuckles ) Your career is a delicate matter.
BURKHALTER: The British radar network has been frustrating our air attacks.
The captain and the major here have a plan for knocking them out.
Combined sabotage and Stuka attacks.
Very carefully coordinated.
Sounds good to me.
Based on my experiences, they should work.
Thank you, Colonel Klink.
Now, because of a few senior officers, the captain and the major have not been able to get a hearing for the plan.
I have suggested to commit this idea to paper in full detail, then I will take it to Göring personally.
We need a place to work for about a week ( whispering ): in absolute privacy.
They will be dealing in top secret material: strength of our first-line units, airfield locations, names of German agents in England, all that sort of thing.
Can you accommodate us, Colonel? Oh, I shall be greatly honored.
I mean, if my small contribution will help to destroy the British radar, that's all the reward I need.
Commandant, you are a truly patriotic officer.
Thank you, gentlemen.
Oh, you might mention my name to Reichsmarschall Göring, if he likes the plan.
And they're going to work in the VIP quarters.
Just around the corner.
Imagine the classified information they need for a plan like that.
Yeah, all those secret goodies sitting right on top of our tunnel.
NEWKIRK: They'll be guarding that building like the bloody Bank of England.
We'd only need ten, maybe 15 minutes with a camera.
Some way to draw those guards away from that building.
Maybe we could invite them over to watch Battling Bruno train.
Oh, sure, they'll leave their post.
Not very likely.
You know, your average Nazi just isn't a boxing fan.
Well, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Yeah.
They might not leave to watch training, but a real fight could be something else.
When you're sparring with Bruno, do you think you could lay him out? Lay him out? The problem's going to be keeping him on his feet.
Herr Kommandant.
All equipment is in the building as ordered.
Very good, Sergeant Schultz.
Post a 24-hour guard, your best men.
No unauthorized person is to enter or leave that building.
Sir, there is no need for you to worry about security.
I don't worry about security.
It's you and Schultz that keep me on edge.
I assure you Schultz excuse me, gentlemen.
You got some smelling salts? Smelling salts? Yeah, your boy Battling Bruno is clobbering Kinchloe.
Marvelous! Get the smelling salts.
Kinch is supposed to be the sparring partner, not a punching bag.
That Bruno's a real killer.
That's the guard who will bring the championship to Stalag 13.
Hey, Schultz, hurry it up! A killer.
I'm glad someone around here is dangerous.
I'd like to see this myself.
Come on.
Schultz! KLINK: There he is, Herr General, a great example of a fighting man in action.
Hmm, what a specimen.
Ja, I wish he was one of ours.
( bell dings ) I meant Battling Bruno, not the prisoner.
You have visitors.
Yeah, so I see.
Mm-hmm.
You know what to do.
Uh-huh.
Next round.
Make it look good.
( bell dings ) He knows that we're here, so he's going to try and put on a show.
( onlookers calling out ) LeBEAU: Give it to him.
Come on, Kinch.
HOGAN: Beautiful.
( one person applauds ) Your Battling Bruno is showing off, all right.
A lucky blow, that's all, Herr General.
The smelling salt, Herr Kommandant.
Smelling salt! Foul! I saw it very clearly.
Foul! Foul! Well, if I know Burkhalter, we've got our fight.
Carter, save two ringside seats for Captain Stahl and Major Rudel.
It was an accident.
Doesn't matter.
By now the news has traveled: A German has been knocked out by an American prisoner of war, and a black American prisoner of war at that.
Ah, let the news travel.
Who cares? It may get to the Führer.
I care very much, that's who cares.
But surely Hitler wouldn't, I mean Do you recall the 1936 Olympics in Berlin? An American, Jesse Owens-- every time he won a gold medal, Hitler left the stadium rather than watch the presentation.
But certainly Hitler could not compare that to He'll manage, don't worry.
Surely Battling Bruno would not let himself be knocked out again.
Ja.
I keep my eyes open, Herr Kommandant.
Ja, ja.
Not good enough.
We must even up the score.
It must be known a German can beat an American at anything.
( clicks heels ) Klink! Arrange a fight between your champion here and Sergeant Kinchloe.
And Klink, Bruno must win! That's an order.
Well, I can't guarantee that But you will.
You mean cheat? Don't bother me with details.
You'll knock him out or you'll find yourself fighting a Russian bear for the Stalingrad Championship.
And guess who will be in your corner, shivering.
You mean a real fight? Regulation gloves, no headgear? Correct.
Marquess of Queensberry rules.
He was one of our chaps, you know.
I don't know, it's up to Kinch.
He's the one that's got to do the fighting.
Sparring partner is one thing, but really fighting that killer, I don't know.
You knocked him out.
Lucky shot, Commandant.
Yeah, very lucky.
I saw the whole thing.
I believe I detect a note of fear.
Colonel, we've been together a long time.
I don't want to see Kinch hurt.
Right.
That Bruno's a slasher.
He puts me in the mind of Max Schmeling.
Uh, sir, request permission to speak.
Sic him, Andrew.
Well, sir, as you know, an officer's duty is to protect his men.
Now, if you let Kinch fight that brute I won't order Kinch to fight Bruno; I can't.
But, well, if he doesn't accept the challenge, I just hate the idea of commanding Hogan's Cowards.
It's got a nice sound to it: Hogan's Cowards.
I like it.
Well, what's the decision? Well, I can't let this side down.
Okay, I'll fight Bruno.
Are you out of your mind?! You haven't had the kind of food! Back off, fellas.
Kinch made up his own mind.
Excellent.
Shall we say Wednesday night? Right, your boy has a fight.
Good luck.
You'll need it.
Come on.
Oh, yeah.
Ha! ( grunts ) Hey, maybe I ought to fight Bruno.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
SCHULTZ: Eins, zwei, drei, vier-- faster, faster, schneller, schneller, schneller, schneller.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier Ah, Bruno, you're looking very good.
Herr Kommandant! Danke, Kommandant.
Now, your orders are to knock out Sergeant Kinchloe in the first round.
( chuckles ): That'll teach them a lesson about German superiority.
First round, sir? I don't know if Now, uh I have something here that will ensure a first-round knockout.
Now, you will place these insurance policies in your gloves.
But Herr Kommandant, this is cheating.
Schultz, all is fair in war.
Herr Kommandant, as sergeant of the Luftwaffe and a man of honor, I object! Would you also object as a private in the Luftwaffe, huh? This is going to be a terrific fight! Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
Eins, zwei, drei, vier.
The odds are now six to four.
Stay in line.
Keep moving.
CARTER: Have your money ready, please.
Cash only-- no checks.
Right, the credit department's on the roof.
Take the lift-- there you go.
All right, we'll put the loudspeakers right about here.
That should draw the Krauts away from the VIP building.
Uh-huh, that should take the heat off LeBeau.
Fine.
Carter, you're going to handle volume control from ringside.
I want you to start out high, fade down low.
Newkirk'll tell you when.
Okay.
LeBeau, I figure about 15 minutes for the pictures, huh? Oui-- the camera is ready, Colonel.
Kinch, that means the fight's got to go at least six rounds-- no less.
If I have to carry Bruno in my arms.
Loudspeaker, w-what loudspeaker? What, what, what? General Burkhalter asked us to set it up, so the men on guard duty could hear a blow-by-blow description.
Yeah, and Andrew will do a bloody good job of it, too.
Yeah, he's the announcer type.
You mean Carter is going to broadcast on these? Uh-huh.
Any objections? Why didn't Commandant Klink tell me about it? I could have set it up.
Well, he was looking for you, big fella.
I was in the kitchen.
Grazing on liverwurst again? ( chuckling ) Official business! Schultz, it's about time you got out of the kitchen and into the war.
Loudspeaker system? Jawohl, Herr Kommandant.
Installed and ready.
I did it myself, just like General Burkhalter ordered it.
General Burkhalter ordered? Oh oh, yes, yes, of course.
Just as General Burkhalter ordered it.
And Carter's broadcast will be enjoyed by every man on duty.
What? Oh oh, yes, indeed.
I-I'm sure it will.
Very good, very good, Schultz.
Carry on.
It's a loudspeaker, Herr General.
I know what it is, Klink.
You know, they should hear the broadcast very plainly.
Sergeant Carter is an excellent announcer.
The more men who hear it, the better.
Smart idea letting their own man describe the fight.
Oh, I knew the setup would satisfy you.
I supervised it myself.
Good thinking.
Is it possible I have been underestimating you all these years, Klink? No, it's not possible.
( feedback comes through loudspeaker ) MAN ( over loudspeaker ): Testing-- one, two, three, four.
( applause, cheers, conversation ) LeBEAU: Ho, ho! ( exclaiming ) ( bell ringing ) Good evening, gentlemen, and a very warm "Heil Hitler" to you all.
Now, the contest this evening takes place with the kind permission of a man whose brilliance is matched only by his high rank.
I refer, of course, to none other than the one and only General Burkhalter.
( boos and catcalls, scattered applause ) Silence! Any POW who gets out of line will find himself in solitary confinement on bread and water.
So enjoy yourselves and have a good time.
( bell rings three times ) Now the contestants.
In this corner, wearing black trunks at 205 pounds, the pride of Stalag 13 and the champion of all the Luftstalags, Battling Bruno.
( mixed boos and cheers ) Boo! In the far corner, at 195 pounds, one of our most popular POWs, Sergeant Kinchloe.
( raucous cheers and applause ) ( bell rings once ) The referee for tonight's contest is Oberleutnant Herman Schmelzer, Fourth Panzer Brigade and at present the president of the Düsseldorf Athletic Club.
( applause and boos ) The judges: General Burkhalter, Captain Stahl, Major Rudel and, of course, your commandant.
( chuckles ) NEWKIRK: All Nazi judges and a Kraut referee.
Has all the makings of a fair fight.
( bell ringing ) KLINK: I want a good, clean fight.
No gouging.
In case of a knockdown, you go to the neutral corner.
Now shake hands.
When the bell rings, you come out fighting.
Good luck to you both.
May the best man-- ( aside ): Battling Bruno-- win.
Did you get the insurance policies? ( metal clinks ) Good.
Don't forget-- first-round knockout.
( scattered applause ) ( rings bell ) ( audience conversing ) Guten Abend, sports fans.
This is Sergeant Andrew Carter speaking to you ringside here at Luftstalag 13 Sports Palace, ready to bring you a blow-by-blow detail of this very, very great contest.
The boys are in the center of the ring now.
They're sparring around just a little bit, feeling each other out now.
Bruno looks like he can do some real damage here this evening.
CARTER ( over loudspeaker ): Well, I'd hate to be in there with him.
Friends, I just wish you could be here with us.
There goes that Battling Bruno now with a big uppercut! And Kinchloe looks like he's in trouble.
Bruno and Kinchloe are going into a clinch, the referee breaks it up.
There they go now.
Kinch backing away.
Bruno looks very, very good.
He tries tries a left now there, tries a left.
Bruno just caught Kinch there with a big left hook to the chin.
Kinch is on the deck and the referee's counting now.
Five, six, seven, eight, nine.
( rings bell ) ( scattered applause, conversation ) Hey, you're doing a great job.
Great job, Kinch.
Could have fooled me.
I thought you were out.
You thought? What'd you say your name was? You're kidding.
That guy's got something in his gloves feels like two Sherman tanks.
He really caught me.
Should have figured on a double cross.
Stay out of his way, get on your bicycle.
You can believe it.
Hey, suppose he clips me again? Then we're all going to take the count, in front of a firing squad.
Newkirk, get going on the P.
A.
Right, sir.
Excuse me, sir, we've had a complaint from the men in the compound.
It's not loud enough.
Well, let's do something about it at once.
Yes, sir.
That should do it.
Good.
( rings bell ) CARTER: And there goes the bell for round two.
Yes, sir, and now Kinchloe's coming out looking very fresh and ready.
Yes, sir, he is ready for revenge.
He's circling around now, keeping away from that old Teutonic left hook that laid him on the deck.
( barely audible ): And Bruno takes a left to the body and a right.
And now he comes for the jab to Kinchloe's head.
He's connected! Wow, Kinchloe's now shaking his head, trying to clear it out, but there's no chance.
Let me tell you something, fight fans-- this Battling Bruno can really hit.
He doesn't connect very often, but when he does ( camera clicks ) CARTER: A left, a right, another left and now another right.
Oh, boy, they're in a clinch now.
Now they're separated by the referee, Oberleutnant Herman Schmelzer.
Now they're backing away and now Kinchloe's What is this? You're supposed to be on duty.
GUARD: Back to your posts! Schnell, both of you, move! ( door opens ) ( door closes ) Now Kinchloe's slowed down just a little bit now from the pressure from that bruising, brutish Battling Bruno.
What a fight this has been.
Yes, sir, I wish you folks out there in Krautland could have been here with us this evening because we've really seen ourselves some battle.
Ooh, and Kinchloe is down.
That battling Bruno caught him again with that big left hook.
This could be curtains for Kinchloe now.
Four, five ( rings bell ) Schultz, isn't it exciting? ( panting ) I'm sorry, Colonel.
LeBeau's not finished-- he's not back yet.
( breathing hard ) Okay ( clears throat ) back on the bicycle.
( cheers and exclamations ) ( no voice ) Look out for that bloody uppercut! NEWKIRK: Stick him, Kinch! MAN: That a boy! NEWKIRK: Stick him! Stick him! Now, Kinch, now! ( men cheering ) Stop the fight! Stop the fight! We give up! We give up! KINCH: But Colonel! I just couldn't stand by seeing you take this punishment, Kinch.
I'm sorry, it's just inhuman.
One minute and ten seconds of the seventh round, the winner and champion of Stalag 13, Battling Bruno.
( mixed cheers and boos ) You know this loss is costing us a bloody fortune.
Worth every penny for the pictures I got.
Don't worry, we'll put it on the expense account to London.
Hey, didn't I pay you once? Hey, Fritz, come! Hey, listen now, any of you Nazis trying to collect twice, you're going to get in serious trouble.
I mean it.
You, Sergeant Kinchloe, put up a great fight.
Thank you, General.
But the superiority of the master race will tell every time.
And Battling Bruno is still champion of Stalag 13.
Uh, I'd like to be the one to tell him that, sir as soon as he wakes up.
Which should be in a day or so.