Hold the Sunset (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

Old Flames

1 Have I the right to hold you You know I've always told you I've loved you from the very start Come right back I just can't bear it I've got some love and I long to share it Come right back Right back where you belong Oh, yeah You belong.
Mm! Mum, I'm jogging and you're giving me cake.
Jogging? Oh, this is new.
Not at all.
I'm always jogging.
Of course you are, dear.
This is what's left of Fiona's wedding cake.
- Fiona? - Oh, yes, you remember little Fiona.
Her mum still lives across the road.
Ah, Fiona with the teeth.
There's less of them now.
I am a bit of an expert on wedding cake.
Well, yes, you would be, wouldn't you, all those weddings you're always having to go to.
Here we go.
What do you mean? Oh, come, on, you know exactly what I mean.
[NOVELTY RINGTONE] Tyrone! How's things? No, I was out last night.
You're kidding? You are kidding! No! Why would I change the numbers after all these years? Are you sure? This is not one of your little jokes? What? How much? I don't believe it.
I don't believe it! Ah! Morning.
Still walking.
Why shouldn't I be? Haven't lost the use of my legs.
No, I meant now that you don't have Wellington.
I'm in training.
- What for? - You'll see.
Oh, Paul! Paul! - Do I know you? - Bob.
Bob the burglar.
Me and Edith were an item a few years ago, remember? Don't say you've forgotten, huh? Oh! Ooh, here, remember only the one arm? Gave me a new one.
Eh? [BOB LAUGHS] So now not so armless.
You get it? Of course you do, you old git.
Hey, is Edith still a goer? Is she? She used to be.
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Oh, she used to be.
Oh! Jinx! Hoo! Oh, blimey.
Where is it? Where is it? Oh, God! What have I done with it? [THEY CHUCKLE] - How's Phil? - Oh, his back's been playing up again.
I saw his ex-groupie the other day.
What, Desiree? Driving a delivery van.
She looks great.
Oh, I shouldn't think it is her.
But even so, don't mention it to Phil.
He lives in dread.
So he says.
[THEY LAUGH] Bye, Mum.
I'll call you.
Come round for supper later? I can't.
I'm going out with Sapphire.
- Sapphire? - Our new stylist.
What's going on? What, with her and Sapphire? I shudder to think.
I mean, you two not speaking.
Are you sure that's washable? Well, it says so on the label.
Does it need washing? Not really, but I'm going to give him away.
You're giving it away? Methuselah? To the children's hospital.
And I don't want to but, well, I've done something It's not brilliant and I'm trying to make up for it.
What? What have you done? Well, I I promised not to say.
Promised who? OK, I'll tell you, but you won't say anything? For heaven's sake! Well I tried to become a carer.
- A carer? - For you.
- What?! No, no, I know, I know you don't you don't need one, but I wanted the income and I lied.
I lied to the benefits office.
Oh, Roger, how could you? But it's OK, um it's er nothing happened.
It's all over and done with now.
End of story.
- But - I won't have to go to prison or anything.
I just have to remember that I must behave like a complete lunatic every time I go near their offices.
I think you'd better start at the beginning.
- Well, I'm trying to forget about it.
- I dare say.
I'm so sorry, Mum.
- Hello, Phil! - Hello, Edith.
I've told her.
What what?! You bloody idiot! We told you not to tell her.
You said you wouldn't! I know, but I had to, I couldn't help it.
Right, you're disinherited! You were going to leave me something? I might have done.
Not now.
He had to tell me, Phil.
What for?! Because I've never kept anything from Mum.
What you mean is you've always dumped everything on your mum! You off-load all your problems, you pass on all your worries, you stick it all on your mother and then you waltz off, fancy-free and liberated, feeling a lot better! I'm glad he told me! I understand that, but the point is, he didn't tell you to make you feel better, he told you to make him feel better.
Phil, calm down.
You know you're supposed to watch your blood pressure.
Oh? Blood pressure? Is that a new thing? Don't get your hopes up.
I've won the Lottery.
Wow! Fantastic! £2,000.
Brilliant! What are you going to do with it? I haven't got it yet.
I know the numbers, but I've lost the ticket.
I definitely had it the last time I came.
- Have you looked? - Everywhere.
All over the place.
Have you asked Mum? No, I feel a bit awkward with your mum.
You know, after that carer caper.
Well, she knows it wasn't you.
I told her it was my fault.
- Hm.
- Hey, it doesn't matter, Queenie.
No! Listen, I'm great at finding things.
I was always good at finding things.
Remember? Mr Spongey! Remember? [FLAMBOYANT VOICE:] I will find him for you! I promise! Phil, what is it? Hm? You seem more upset about this Roger nonsense than I do.
It's Bob, your old boyfriend.
You know he put Roger up to that, don't you? To be a carer? Did Roger say that? Well, in so many words, yeah.
Why is Roger such a fool? Because he thinks that being a fool is a virtue.
Why would he think that? Because he's a fool.
Oh, and I also happened to see Bob, too.
- I see.
- Mm-hm.
I mean, you know he wants to get back with you, don't you? Do you really think I'd go off with Bob? Well, you might.
I mean, you had such an unforgettably wonderful time with him once.
- An unforgettably wonderful time? - Mm-hm.
He was an absolute liar, a conman and an out-and-out rogue.
Rogue? Sounds rather romantic.
Not to me, it doesn't.
Don't you believe me? Oh! Ah! - Oh.
- What's that? - Help! - I'll have a look.
Ow! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Oh! - What is it? Oh, it's the knees! They're not as enthusiastic as they used to be.
Oh! Mrs Gale and Roger on their knees together in the front room.
Might be praying.
I didn't ask.
Very wise.
I never used to think ignorance was bliss, but I'm beginning to change my mind.
Edith, I'm sorry about that just now with about Bob, you know, but, um I'm Hm! Well, I'm very much in love with you and I I just feel a bit vulnerable.
I know.
And, um you never feel just a little bit pleased? That you were jealous? - Just a tiny bit.
- Over Bob? Are you mad? Well, I thought, you Oh shut up! [ DOORBELL] I'll get it.
- Hi.
- Ah! Parcel for Roger Stevens.
Phil! No.
How are you? I'm fine.
How are you? What a surprise.
I don't live here, you know.
I never said you did.
Well, and you you moved to Walsall? - Wakefield.
- Wakefield! Look, um if you come back again, I shall have to have a word with the police.
You understand? Sorry.
I'm delivering a parcel.
- What? - It's my job.
I need a signature.
Oh, that's for me.
Oh, my God! Oops! Can I get a signature for this, anybody? Oh, yeah, of course.
There you go.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
You are in trouble.
Big trouble.
So that's Desiree? Yes, yes, that's Desiree.
So nothing to it, really.
She's lovely.
Even lovelier seven years ago.
Yes, but it was all over before it started, you know.
She followed you around every day for a year? Er ten months, actually, but, I mean, there was nothing I could do to stop her.
Don't think I'd have done that for anyone.
Well, she was crackers.
Crackers! All over before it started.
- That can't be right.
- Well, it was just a few weeks.
Well, actually, it was four months, but no more than that, I swear.
You don't have to.
She came in, she wanted a campervan, so she said.
I mean, you know, customer is king.
And you showed her a few.
- What? - Campervans.
Well, yes, yes, I had to.
I mean, it was my job, you know? - Not like that.
- No? Well not at first, obviously.
In a campervan? Well, they weren't cramped! I mean, they were they were well-designed, my campervans.
They were they were spacious.
Just as well.
And when it all went pear-shaped, you know, she started calling me at all hours of the day, lying in wait, then she came up to the golf club, then at my accountant's, then my dentist.
Poor woman.
You must have been a little bit flattered.
- No, no, not at all.
- No? Look, I hadn't set eyes on her for six years until Roger showed me that photo of her driving that van, and since then, I've lived in dread of Hotfoot.
Why? Well, I thought if she saw me, she might MIGHT just start up again.
I couldn't stand that, and also, I Well, I I didn't want to upset you.
Why would I be upset? Bloody Roger! That's why he ordered that thing.
He just He wanted this to happen! What's that? It's a drone.
- Cool, eh? - What's it for? Well, you fly it around and it takes pictures by remote control.
For fun.
It's fun! Oh, it's great fun, because they fly into buildings, they fly into electricity lines, they fly into other drones and then they fall out of the sky on someone or on someone's property.
And then you get sued for grievous bodily harm or damage to property, or if it's a good day, for manslaughter.
Or if it's around Christmas, for all three.
- Roger, do you have to? - Have to what? We're getting on, you know? We're not up to all this fun.
Hey, don't worry about it.
Have you been spending time with Bob? - No.
- You're beginning to sound like him.
- I haven't! - And it doesn't suit you.
I'll be in my shed.
We've got to get out of here, Edith.
You know that, don't you? I do.
What was once a lovely dream is now a vital necessity.
[CLATTER!] Argh! Now, what's that now, a stampede of badgers? Mind the blooming thing! Gold! Lovely! Lovely! Just lovely! Argh! Oh! Oh! Oh! - Mrs Gale? - Ow! Mrs Gale? What what are you doing? I'm looking for a Lottery ticket.
Well, wouldn't it be easier just to go out and buy one? Oh, Phil, you are a card.
Oh! Ah! Where the blooming heck is it? I know I! Oh! Oh, where is it? [THUD!] Oh! Oh! Mrs Gale is upside down in the garbage.
Phil! Phil! Oh! Ooh! Ah! Come come back! Come back! Come back! Excuse me! - Edith? - Hm? I hope you're not upset about that woman.
Desiree? Should I be? No, of course not, but I know her of old.
Just don't let her in the house.
Good gracious! No, I'm not saying, you know, that she'd do anything, but I wouldn't trust her with my man, you know, if I had one.
- Oh! - Just be warned.
Better be safe than sorry.
[THUD!] Argh! Ohhhhh! Yargh! Oh, quick! Put that in the fridge! Call an ambulance! Argh! Argh! Ah! [BOB GROANS] - Oh! - What happened?! Ah! I fell off my bike and she fainted.
[DESIREE GROANS] Fetch the rug from the wardrobe and I'll make some tea.
Now you're talking.
[DESIREE GROANS] Now here's the thing, since I lost my arm, I've had more luck with women than I ever did before.
How very interesting! Hm.
Why do you suppose that is? Well, because the less of you there is, the easier you are to tolerate.
Ah, right, less is more.
No, no, less is less.
So in your case, that's a very good idea.
After I saw you this morning, I wanted to come and explain.
Make my peace.
I can't tell them at the depot I can't deliver parcels to this address, can I? Of course not.
It's over six years ago, my thing with Phil.
I didn't set out to give him a bad time, but I was very unhappy in those days and a bit unstable.
But I'm better now, much better.
And I want to be happy.
I don't want to make anyone unhappy.
Thank you.
How was the pork pie? Oh, delicious! - I made it myself.
- Ah! No pig.
No pig? Squirrel.
Tastes like pig.
Mm, so they say.
So they say.
You haven't tried it yourself? No, no.
No, I just found the squirrel dead on the lawn and I thought, let's see how this goes down.
This isn't something I can just say to anyone, Edith, but I feel I can say it to you.
Go on.
Having people go on and on and on about how beautiful you are can be a terrible burden.
Really? Especially when you're young and you can't handle it.
I know you know that, Edith, because you've always been beautiful.
Don't tell me that you haven't.
Not like that, Des, not like you.
I was always told I was very pretty and I used to believe it, until I grew up and discovered that actually, I wasn't very pretty, I was just ordinary pretty.
There were lots prettier than me.
The first boy to declare an interest said he'd kill himself if I didn't go out with him.
- Oh, how dreadful.
- That was just the beginning.
Boys, men, old codgers, claim to fall in love with me every moment of the day.
It was a nightmare.
And yet you latched on to Phil in much the same way.
I know.
I know.
Mad, isn't it? - You scared him to death.
- I didn't mean to! I thought, for the first time, I'd met someone who had some clue who I really was.
Oh, I see.
But it's over now, believe me.
It's very kind of you, Edith, looking after me like this.
What else would I do? I hope Phil doesn't hate me.
No, he's not like that.
I'm struggling for words, Bob, and I hope I can find them, because if I can't, I'm going to strangle you, and that would not be morally good, because I would get altogether too much satisfaction.
- Let me go.
- Shut up and listen.
Now, if you come into this neighbourhood again No, no, if, if you come to this house again No.
No, if you try to speak to Edith again, or I should No, um You have no idea how hard it is to formulate this precisely right.
How do you know Queenie? Oh, we're friends from when the kids were little.
Oh, poor Queenie.
She spent the whole morning turning everywhere upside down, looking for a Lottery ticket.
- A Lottery ticket? - Mmm.
Oh! - I noticed it as soon as I came to.
- Oh! What a relief.
Oh! Drama over.
[THEY LAUGH] If I see you again, if I think of you, if I dream of you, or if I hear your name mentioned, I shall hunt you down and remove your good arm.
Is that clear? I won't hold you to that.
You won't be able to.
Um don't forget your arm.
Hot and spicy pork wonton, sliced beef with black bean sauce, vegetarian spring rolls, dim sum.
I ordered everything there in the shop, so there's got to be something here for everyone.
What a feast! And Wendy will be here in a minute with the rice.
Wendy? Oh, yeah, she was standing in front of me in the takeaway queue, you know, ordering for one, so I thought, well, the more the merrier.
- Roger won't be too pleased.
- Oh, well.
Boo hoo.
He'd better behave himself.
- Mum.
- Oh! - Whose is the Harley Davison? - Not mine, alas.
Desiree - Sandra, my daughter.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Nice bike.
Des is a very special person.
Oh, you found the Lottery ticket! - It was a fluke.
- Fluke, my arse.
Des has got special powers.
I'm not letting her out of my sight ever again.
- Special powers.
- Now, I could do with some of those.
- Hello.
- Oh, Wendy! Wendy! Lovely.
Mrs Gale insisted I come.
I can go if you like.
- The last thing I want to do is intrude.
- Of course you mustn't go.
You're our special guest.
Queenie's special guest.
- It's lovely that you're here.
- Aww! If you're sure.
Of course we're sure.
Oh, Rog, cheer up.
This is meant to be a celebration.
Come on, tell us.
Drone problems? Well, it was flying perfectly.
I'd read the instructions.
I hoped it would find, you know, Queenie's ticket, and then it just vanished.
But, uh, don't worry.
I bumped into Bob.
He's out there looking for it.
Yeah, he thinks he knows well, he thinks he knows where it is.
He should be here with it any time, so, um, yeah, any minute.
I don't believe a word of it.
Oh, yeah, very good.
How did you know? Well, you said you read the instructions.
That was the giveaway.
You'd never do anything sensible like that.
It's a point of principle with Roger.
- Desiree, this is Wendy.
- Hello.
You smug bugger.
Smug but right.
Oh, yeah? Um, how is it that you're here? - She's Queenie's special guest.
- Drink up, Wend.
Ignore him.
- Yes, so you behave.
- Who cuts your hair? - Vince.
- Oh, good job.
Isn't this lovely? You all get on well with each other.
A relaxed, happy family occasion.
Oh! In they come.
- Oh! - Oh! Oh! [ SURPRISED GASPS] There's a wee bit of damage, but nothing that can't be fixed.
What the? You see, I told you, I did read the instructions.
All of them.
So there! Nah-nah-nah! Phil, don't, please.
This is Queenie's night.
Leave it.
No, please, do not let Roger have the controls.
Can someone take that off him? He's going to break it.
Roger, you don't understand it.
- It's an inevitability.
- Roger, stop it, please Oh! - See, I told you so.
- I'll be off, then.
Oh, no, don't be daft.
Grab a chair and sit yourself down.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
There's plenty for everyone.
- Bob.
- Oh, no, I can't, no.
Oh, thank you.
To Queenie and her lucky ticket.
[LAUGHTER] ALL: Queenie and her lucky ticket.
I'll drink to that.
[LAUGHTER] [INDISTINCT CHAT] Roger, spring roll? I had a word with the estate agent, so I told them to put my house on the market.
They said, with a bit of luck, it won't take longer than 10 months.
- Oh, Phil.
- Don't get worried.
Look, Roger's in full possession of the house.
Right, that's OK for the time being.
We've got to get away ASAP.
I mean, you haven't changed your mind, have you? Roger, you don't have to sit [THEY LAUGH] What kind of don't you take me for? Oh! [MUSIC: Have I The Right? By The Honeycombs] [PHIL HUMS ALONG] You know I always told you That we must never ever part.
[KNOCKING AT WINDOW] What? [HORN HONKS] Ah! Good luck! [HORN HONKS] Come right back I just can't bear it I've got this love and I long to share it Come right back, I'll show my love is strong Oh, yeah Have I the right to touch you? If I could, you'd see how much you Send those shivers running down my spine Ooh ooh ooh oh Have I the right to thrill you?