Hollywood Darlings (2017) s02e03 Episode Script

Star Crossed Mothers

1 A Pop original series.
So, this is so nice to, you know, finally see you outside of the gym, like - I know, it's great, right? - [laughing] Yeah.
- So, Stephanie, did you, um - Um, it's it's Jodie.
[stammers] I feel stupid.
I'm sorry.
No, don't.
No, it's fine.
I mean, it happens all the time.
For so many years, I knew you as as - Stephanie.
- Oh, so you watched the show.
Yeah, "Full House.
" Obviously.
Oh, right.
I mean, I didn't know if it was, like, big, you know, in Australia, or Yeah, of course.
Whatever happened to Comet? - You know, the dog? - You know, that was, like, 20-something years ago, so the dog I mean, he's The dog's the dog's dead.
Yeah [stammers] Don't really care about the dog anymore.
So you're a pet lover then.
- You have a dog? - Um yeah, I've got a, um I've got a golden retriever.
What's its name? Comet.
[awkward string music] Yeah.
So, um do you like to travel? I mean, is Sorry, I was thinking about Comet again.
I'm sorry.
[chuckles] - Ah.
- Can we get some drinks? Water's good for me, though.
I don't drink.
We're a little emotional.
Both of us.
Although I might start.
[chuckles] - I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- No, it's no, it's fine.
- What do you like to do for - You know when you were doing the the, um, the hula competition, in season three, episode two, you, uh, you were trying to break the Hula-Hoop record, and then Uncle Jesse and Uncle Joey, - they were helping DJ - It's actually you know what? That's funny that you said "Uncle Joey.
" It's not Uncle Joey.
Joey was just the best friend, - and I think that actual - No, he was an uncle.
- Mm - He was definitely an uncle.
- No, he was - It was Uncle Joey.
- No, no.
- "Cut.
It.
Out.
" - Uncle you remember? - [laughs forcibly] Maybe in Australia they called him an uncle, - but not here.
- Did you know, in Australia, that actually, there was there was a rumor that you you were on a roller coaster, and you stood up, and you you got decapitated on the on the roller coaster.
Yeah.
[laughs] I wish.
[upbeat electronic music] You think you're rock and roll You think you're rock and roll Ugh, he wouldn't stop talking about "Full House.
" How do you always end up dating these weird super fans? I don't know.
You know what? It wasn't a complete disaster 'cause the sex was good.
You slept with him? - No, of course not.
- [exhales] I was gonna say God, no.
[chuckles] But I mean, I did make out with him a little bit, and he might've touched my boob, but solid.
Anyway We gotta get you dating some normal people.
Ooh, you know what? Actually, I just got this coupon at a gifting suite.
It's for a celebrity dating app called "Celebrati.
" It's supposed to be super exclusive, and it's for only people in the industry.
Oh, yeah, I've heard about this.
Bunch of celebrities have met on that.
It might be a really great way to meet new people.
Well, I guess it can't be any worse than sitting through another dinner talking about Bob Saget.
- [laughs] - How do you guys know so much - about dating apps? - Oh, please.
You know I live vicariously through all my friend's swipes.
[imitates swiping] Love it.
Do you do that when you swipe? - I do.
- Oh, that's amazing.
A mom at our preschool used it.
Did I tell you that my school got shut down? Yeah, apparently a big money laundering scheme.
So now I've gotta try to find a new school before the semester starts, and that's gonna be impossible.
Georgia's already signed up for preschool.
She's not even two yet! She was on a wait list when she was in the womb.
- [sighs] - Oh, you know, I know the headmaster at Early Bloomer Academy.
He loves me.
Let me give him a call and I'll see if I can get you an appointment.
- That would be amazing.
- For sure.
'Cause I'm honestly stressing.
Don't stress.
You need to stress about my love life.
- That's what we need to stress about.
- Come on, let's set up the profile.
[imitates swishing] So when can I get my profile online? 'Cause I'd really love to start swiping away.
We don't swipe.
We flick.
[imitating vocal fry] "Fleck.
" - Flick.
- Flick, like a okay.
Got it.
I flick all the time.
I mean not I right.
Okay.
Anyways, uh, we will not be accepting your application at this time.
Wait, what? What why not? I mean, I'm I'm Stephanie Tanner.
- Who? - "Full House"? I mean, there was DJ, and Michelle, Stephanie.
There's also a really popular Netflix reboot of the series that I'm on.
Your star power doesn't quite meet Celebrati standards.
Isn't Screech on Celebrati? I'm not at liberty to say who is or isn't using our app, but Dustin Diamond does have a certain kitsch value.
Didn't he, like, stab somebody at a bar in Wisconsin? So kitsch.
So - Have you tried Tinder? - No.
- Coffee Meets Bagel? - I had breakfast.
- Or Craigslist? - I did that.
You're more than welcome to apply again Like, if I stab somebody? You could do an art installation with Shia LaBeouf.
I will get my tears and my paper bag ready.
That would be 100.
I'm gonna go stab some people and, uh, do some weird art shit.
Okay, great.
Thanks! - And that's another episode - And that is another episode of the "Worst Ever Podcast.
" I'm your host Alaa Khaled.
And I'm your host Christine Lakin.
Find us on the social @WorstEverPodcast.
Bye! You know, you practically talked over me the entire episode.
What are you, high? You always talk over me.
I'm just saying, and I'm getting frustrated - with this.
- Oh, give me a break.
Ah, hey! Alaa's right.
- You were talking all over him.
- Thank you, Brandon.
- Whose side are you on? - Alaa's.
- [cell phone rings] - Oh, you guys.
Sorry, I gotta take this really quick.
Hello? Hey, Jackie.
Yes, I'm available next week.
Oh, my gosh, that's amazing.
I'm down.
Okay, you can confirm me.
All right.
Bye.
- Sounds like good news.
- You guys! I just got offered a role to play a Russian prostitute who infiltrates the mob to avenge my best friend's death on a crime show! Typecasting! It's kind of a trope.
I get it.
But I think behind every great character is a real person.
It's my job as an actor to find that person.
- Congrats, baby.
- Thank you.
Snaps to you.
Can we move on? Maybe do some editing here? You know, a little work.
[in Russian accent] Who needs editing? I need to be on streets, earning my keep, no? Uh-oh.
You should've seen her when she was auditioning for Helen Keller in "The Miracle Worker.
" Really awkward Starbucks runs.
Christie.
You didn't get it.
We really think it's important the students have a a really great balance of mind, body, and soul.
Plus, it really boosts their academic performance.
Well, I I totally agree.
I think it's really important for kids to have a healthy environment to learn so they can really excel.
Did I tell you that our entire cafeteria is vegan, gluten-free, and non-GMO? I think I might cry.
Well, you have a safe space to do it.
Feelings are not judged.
And, you know, we're strictly in the market for parents who plan ahead.
Well, I mean, if you want a planner, look no further! I mean, I am a planner, planner, planner.
- Type A, right here.
- Now I might cry.
- Well, totally acceptable.
- [both chuckle] How do you feel about extracurriculars? Oh, well Kenzie is already in ballet, tennis, and soccer, and Hutton is starting soccer as well.
Okay, wait, wait.
Ah, um hmm.
I think we may have a little, uh, a little bit of miscommunication here.
I thought that you were planning on enrolling a newborn a few years from now.
Uh, no.
Kenzie is five and Hutton is three.
Yeah, that won't work.
I mean, most parents plan ahead.
[stammering] No, I did plan ahead.
I mean, we were actually enrolled in another school, but it closed, and I actually think this is this is where we were meant to be.
I know you're friends with Jodie, but there's there's really nothing I can do.
And besides, Jodie hasn't really returned my texts about that possible recurring role on "Fuller House.
" I'm I'm still acting, so She's bad about texts, but I can talk to her.
Besides, by the time you get off the wait list, they'll be too far gone.
I mean, teenagers.
I just I'm sure you can make some kind of an exception.
I mean, it's gotta be a benefit to have, you know, a parent who was on a TV show, for, I don't know, like, 11 years.
Many of our parents were or are on hit shows, and they don't use that as a way to get their kids in the program.
It's gauche.
I've got a very important school function that I've got to get to today.
Well, I I can walk with you.
- Well you could I don't - I mean I oh mm-mm.
I'm I'm sure that you can find your own way out.
[stammers] Well, actually, um - I downloaded the school map! - Good! Then you know the way out! To the right.
[awkward music] [upbeat rock music] [in Russian accent] You ever make Molotov cocktail? Make me one now.
All right.
What is going on with your outfit? And why are you drinking at 1:00 p.
m.
? I am Russian sex worker, infiltrating mob to avenge my best friend's death.
You're going method again, aren't you? Da.
No, what no! No, no, no.
You can't smoke in here.
You may take my lighter, but you will never take my flame.
Okay.
Anyway, back to real life.
I got shut down by Celebrati.
They said they didn't want me.
I'm not cool enough.
I once had man tell me I wasn't good enough.
I slit his throat with hockey skate.
- I'm leaving this craziness.
- All right.
[speaking normally] All right, fine.
Can you just go with it, please? I didn't say anything when you wanted to dress up like Little Bo-Peep.
That was Halloween.
And that one other time, but anyway - Hi.
- Hey.
I normally don't do this, and, uh [chuckling] This is so embarrassing.
I saw you walk in and and, uh I I would so regret it if I didn't say something.
Would you mind taking a picture with me for my niece? [forcedly] Yeah.
Sure.
She's gonna be so excited.
Let me grab my phone.
- Be right back.
- Okay, great.
Yeah.
I really need to get on that app.
This Celebrati is some bullshit.
[shouting] No one rejects my friend, da? God, would you shh! How drunk are you? I say we take this hipster daughter-of-a-bitch down to set of "Fuller House," no? Show her around and see if that does anything.
If not, maybe I take her to tattoo place.
We get matching tattoos with rusty needle, no? Stop it.
I think that's going a little far, don't you? - Well, that's a little much, even for me.
- [car honks] Hi, Bev! - Soleil! - I missed you so much! - I thought that was you.
- How how are you? - Oh, you - Oh, so good.
You got a new car and a driver.
How else am I gonna launch our huge product? Of course, I never text and drive.
- "It can wait.
" - Yeah! - How are you, babe? - I I am great.
- What are you doing here? - Oh, I have a 3:00.
Oh, but it's only 1:00.
Yeah, but you know the academy motto.
"Early start, makes them smart!" makes them s smart! [laughs] Yeah.
We're just going over Story's curriculum.
- Oh! - I didn't even know your kids go to school here.
- Oh, yeah.
- I mean, I've never seen you at the PTA meetings.
No, yeah, I no, we're here.
I have a meeting with the headmaster.
Oh, really? Awesome.
I love him so much.
We just had dinner last night.
Let me tell you, we had such a great time.
Well, Larry and I are Facebook friends.
It goes a step further for us.
We actually have dinner.
You look adorable.
- Thank you.
- Like, really.
And look, your jacket has its name on it.
I did that for my little nine-year-old, and it's so cute.
I love it.
How's the DIY going for you? Oh, there's so many things happening with it - that I can't really talk about it - Oh, my gosh, you should come guest my show, "Crafting with Soleil.
" When my show is up and running, - uh, you can come - Awesome.
And you could come do a segment "Today Show" with me.
I could have you, like do some of our displays.
And when I do "GMA," - you can come on my - Yeah, it might be a conflict.
- You know, "Today" and "GMA.
" - Right, that's a good - You can't really do both.
- Yeah.
And you've gotta come down to our headquarters.
I'd love to show you what we're working on.
- Really grown.
- And when my top-secret, uh, projects are not secret anymore, - I we we - Okay.
- Okay, I gotta go.
- Okay, yes.
- Don't wanna be late.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Okay, yeah - Oh, look oh, there he is.
It looks like he's going to his car.
I'm supposed to meet him at his car.
[stammers] I gotta go get him.
Bye, sweetheart.
Good to see you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I'll call you! Oh, hey! Hey, Larry! Larry! Larry! Larry! Oh, God, you're still here.
I've been waiting all morning.
I I am just so committed to getting my kids into this school.
- Yeah, I can see that.
- Just give me one more chance.
I'm having a dinner party, so how about you and your wife - just come over? - She's out of town.
Okay, so you just come over! That way, you can meet the kids.
You can see how amazing they are.
Jodie will be there, and you can talk with her about that walk-on part for "Fuller House.
" - Recurring.
- So, I'll see you there? Okay, just give the information to the front desk.
I'm not making any promises.
Okay, okay.
Okay, cool.
Let me he let me help you right there.
Okay.
I already know what we're gonna have for dinner, 'cause I'm already a planner.
Plan, plan, plan! Now you just seem desperate.
The girl from Celebrati will be here any minute.
[in Russian accent] I thought I told you to get me blood sausage.
I cannot eat this.
I'm not buying you blood sausage.
- Nothing to eat in here.
- Okay, what do you think? Very good.
You finally learning from me.
Look like you could start working streets with me later, no? That is literally the worst thing you could've said.
[knocking at door] Oh, okay, she's here.
I need you to, like just take all of that and go in there, and just be quiet.
Starting to feel like you're kind of embarrassed of me.
"Starting to"? - Hey.
- Hey, Nikki! Come on in.
You want anything to drink? I could get you some some matcha, or or, like, lavender tea, or, you know, like, bread and hand-churned butter from Diane St.
Clair.
It's fabulous.
I stopped by as more of a courtesy.
Well I mean, I could, like, show you around the back lot if you want.
It's really great for pictures.
You're not really Snapchat-worthy.
- Okay, I mean - I cannot stand back there like Putin Russian spy.
Who is this Annie Hall want-to-be knockoff? Nobody rejects me friend, da? Uh [stammers] Well, we're not really friends.
- It's more like a - Sisters.
- Like blood sisters.
- Not - Scissor sisters! - I don't think that's That's not what you think it means.
You show her all of this, and she still rejects you? - She's not worth your time.
- To be honest, none of this is worth my time.
The flicking and the swiping and the hats! It's it's just all too much right now.
So you know what? I'm really sorry.
She's right.
Celebrati is just not for me.
Okay, this is so kitsch.
I'll post your profile today.
- I'm in.
- You're in.
I mean, I I'm in.
I have a profile.
I mean, I can [stammers] Could care less.
You know, like, whatever.
Do you wanna apply too? Me? [scoffs] Last man I dated is in ice block at bottom of river.
Celebrati cannot handle my kind.
I'm literally obsessed with you.
Do y'all hook up? Will it get my profile more views? Yeah.
Oh, flick off.
Who knew I'd be out on a date with Matthew Laurence? [chuckles] You know, I have to say, I had my doubts about this dating app thing, but you have really changed my mind.
- Oh, well, I'm glad.
- [laughs] It's been tough out there for you? You know, it's just weird.
I mean, guys can't seem to get over the whole Stephanie Tanner thing.
- Who's Stephanie Tanner? - [both chuckle] It's just nice to date somebody who really understands, you know, the business and all that stuff.
Oh, you know, I get it.
Believe me.
You have no idea how many girls have told me they had a crush on me when they were little.
Oh, that's strange.
But that's what's great about this app, right? You know? I mean, you can't date normies.
- You're a star! - Aww.
How is that, um, reboot thing going? You know, it's going amazing.
We are having the best time, and it's so much fun, and now I get to be the adult and make the really inappropriate, - Bob-Saget-esque jokes.
- Totally.
- So yeah, it's fun.
- You better keep me in mind if you have any roles for, you know, handsome charmers, mid-to late-30s.
Oh.
Yeah, absolutely.
- Great, great.
- I mean, then it would be a great excuse to see you again.
Quite.
Hey, have I told you that, uh, I'm having a really good time? You have.
You have, but I don't mind hearing it again.
I'm having a really great time.
[laughs] Question: do you like dinner parties? I love them.
- Kenzie has a flair for color.
- Yeah, she certainly does.
Thanks again for coming tonight.
- Hey, of course.
- Have to put up with Bev and her you know, eccentricities.
[both laugh] I am very impressed with your bedtime routine.
- Very efficient.
- Oh! Well, thank you so much.
It was a little bit of trial and error, but we figured it out.
Can you imagine what she could do with all that energy if she focused it on something other than cheese trays? Would you like some Manchego? I got it fresh from the farmers' market.
Imported from Spain.
She could probably save the world or invent an app or something.
How did you know that I've been to Spain? Oh, I did my research.
I told you, I'm a planner.
Uh okay, I'll have a piece.
You'd think they were the newly dating couple.
Eh, don't worry.
We'll give them a run for their money.
Okay, why don't we come on in here and have some dinner? Hey, uh - [doorbell rings] - Would you hold this for me - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And Larry, come on in and just make yourself at home.
I'll be right in.
- Oh, lost a grape.
- Let me just get that door.
[rock music] - [gasps] - Sorry I'm late.
I had john who wouldn't stop crying over his dead wife.
Pussy.
What the hell are you doing? - Kristall strong like animal! - Shh, shh, shh.
Hey, uh, Jodie? Do you mind helping me - in the coat closet? - I'll be right back.
Right, yeah.
- What's going oh, shit.
- What is this? Yeah, Christine, she's doing the, you know, the method acting thing - for the Russian hooker part.
- Well, I don't know, maybe you should've told me about that? Uh, maybe I did in the group text.
[stammers] I put you guys on "do not disturb" when you guys were watching that stupid show, "Zoolander.
" - "Outlander.
" - Whatever! - Anyway - Very sexy show, no? Oh, my God, stop it.
[French music playing on speakers] You, uh you following baseball? No.
The headmaster for the preschool is right there! You cannot screw this up for me.
Okay.
For you, I do anything, yes? [clears throat] [inhales deeply] Become Christine.
Become Christine.
[speaking normally] Become Christine.
- Okay, guys, I'm back.
- Oh, my G take that off! - Eh? Eh? - Something is seriously - wrong with you.
- I know.
Okay.
Okay, put this on.
Put this on.
Come on! Oh, hey, guys.
Um we have some company.
Christine's here.
- Hi! - Hey! Yeah.
- Hey! - [laughing] Hey! Oh, so fun.
Okay, you know what? I think I just heard the timer.
I'll go get that food.
- I'll be right out, okay? - I got it, Bev.
- Just just - Oh, you know what? I'm gonna help out Bev with the food.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Hi.
Christine.
- Hi.
L L Larry.
Larry.
Great to meet you, Larry.
I thought I'd help you out with the food.
Oh, yeah.
Could you grab the salad? - Oh, yeah, of course.
- Perfect.
You know, I don't wanna speak too soon.
I think your kids are definitely gonna - get into Early Bloomer Academy.
- You think? Oh, yeah, you nailed it.
Huge success.
[sighs] Well, thank you.
And it seems like you and Jodie are really nailing it too.
That is not what I meant.
Have you tried that cheese? She's got quite a "monger.
" - I love a good "monger.
" - I bet you do.
Been hearing a lot about you too lately.
- [chuckles] - On "Deadline.
" - Got a new project going.
- Yeah, I am super excited.
Oh, it is! It's super exciting.
I mean, gosh well, just so you know, keep me in mind for any roles for a handsome charmer, mid-to late-30s.
W what did you just say? He was just telling me to keep him in mind for any roles I have in the films coming up.
Yeah, you know, if they need, like, a a handsome charmer.
Yeah, but you said the same thing to me.
- I was networking.
- "Networking"? No, no, this is not networking.
This is a date.
You really use that app for dating? Oh, Jodie.
Everyone uses it for networking.
I thought you were gonna get me a role on "Fuller House.
" I mean, the sex was just a bonus.
- Jodie! - I didn't! [Russian accent] His heart is black like night.
He must die.
[normal accent] Too much? Okay.
- Let's just kick him out.
- Mm-hmm.
- Perfect.
- Let's go.
- Come on, buddy.
- Guys, really? - What is the problem? - [sighs] Again.
- She needs real men, no? - Everyone needs to relax.
- Hi.
- Well, hello.
- I'm looking for Christine? - Oh, hi! [stammers] I thought you were gonna call me when you got to the, uh, driveway.
Yeah, sorry.
Prostitutes apparently do not take directions, so, duly noted.
We're doing a little ride-along tonight.
- For research.
- Ride-along? Hey, if you guys need a third What is going on here? I mean, you invite me to dinner and then you I don't know, you're ignoring me.
Oh, uh, well, we just encountered a little hiccup, but because I'm such a good planner, - I've got it all worked out.
- Larry? Lar-Bear! Oh, my God, what a surprise! I thought we were meeting tomorrow night, but that's okay.
Are we gonna do, like, a group thing tonight? He loves groups.
It's just like a big ole mish-mosh of bodies.
Is that what's happening right now? I'm game.
I know you're game.
Oh, so, uh I'm guessing that's not your wife, because she's out of town, right? Are my kids getting into the school? You'd love to, you know, observe.
I'm thinking a sibling discount.
- Maybe like 50%? - Oh, yeah, yeah, - that sounds good.
- You guys! This is gonna be so fun.
We'll be seeing you at school.
Yeah, I got a got a headache.
- [giggles] Okay.
- Oh, no time for me tonight? Aww.
Thank you.
You ever think about being an actress? I act every day.
- Good night.
- God! What the fuck? - Who - [in accent] I don't know, but as they say in Russia, fuck them all, yes? [gripping music plays on television] Coroner says with the state of decomposition, she's been dead for about 12 hours.
Yep.
That's Natalya.
She smells better now than she did when she was alive.
[scoffs] I can't believe they cut all my scenes.
Well, I mean, you did really good.
I mean, you were really believable being dead.
Totally.
[in Russian accent] I will get my vengeance, no? All right, it's enough.
[in British accent] You know, I am up for this masterpiece crime series.
Would anyone like a spot of tea? Ooh, I'd love some.
I might actually kill you.
Right.
Yours with extra sugar, then, I think, hmm?