Home (2019) s01e01 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language.
You all right back there, John? Yes, Peter.
- You haven't said anything since Calais, darling.
- I'm watching Avengers.
What was your favourite part of the holiday, mate? Watching Avengers.
- See this is what I'm talking about.
- John, don't be rude.
- It's puberty.
- Great.
- Looking forward to that - Three years of Pornhub and silence.
What are pubes for? Nothing, John.
They're, erm Well, they're just detail really, you know? - Garnish.
- Garnish? Yes, garnish like onions - On a hot dog.
- They're for warmth.
Yes, I mean, you wouldn't want to rely on them, you know, buy a scarf.
Whatever.
John, it is about time you started treating Peter as part of the family.
- But he's not.
- Well, I am actually, mate, so All right, how old's Mum? Oh How old's mum if you know her so well? - You don't have to answer that.
- No, no, no, it's all right.
Piece of advice for you, Jonathan.
True gentleman never reveals a lady's age.
Always good to knock a year or two off it.
So with that in mind, your mother is 37.
I'm 36.
- What's Batman up to back there, mate? - Not a Marvel character.
And here we are.
Home sweet home.
Our home.
Let us in first please, love.
I can't find my keys.
OK Satchel from the extended Marvel Universe? Don't let him out, don't let him out.
- You're not coming out until the police arrive.
- No.
No, don't call the police.
- You through? - Waiting.
Hey.
If you don't let me out, I will open this champagne inside your beautiful car.
OK, you are not opening that.
That is vintage Dom Perignon.
I bought it in France and this car is on a very strict leasing agreement.
It's a lavish interior.
Stop that.
- Stop that.
I warned you.
- I've travelled 3,000 km to get here.
- I'm in a very celebratory mood.
- You're not coming out.
You want Lewis Hamilton? You get Lewis Hamilton.
Don't want Lewis Hamilton, don't want Lewis Hamilton.
Put the phone down.
What's your name? - Sami.
- How did you get in? You stopped at the petrol stationnear Calais.
How did you fit in? Where's the rest of our bags? At a petrol station near Calais.
- Oh, for fuck's sake - I'm sorry.
- Where, am I? - Dorking.
Not London? That's a shame.
- What's wrong with Dorking? - Oh, no, nothing.
It's Lots of potential.
Piss off.
Please don't call the police again.
I said "piss off".
Thank you.
Dorking.
Beautiful day.
It's turning a bit chilly.
Just chilly enough, Katy.
- I love it.
- How do you know my name? In the car.
You were talking, I was listening.
Of course.
Puberty very difficult time for everyone.
Your English is very good, you know.
I teach it in Damascus.
- Oh, right, you're from Syria? - Mm-hmm.
I'm a teacher, too, at state school down the road.
State school? High school? Ah, me too.
They are this tall and they are very naughty.
So naughty But This year they are all playing truant.
Little fuckers.
- Oh, sorry I see what you mean now.
- It's fine.
But no swearing, huh? See me after school.
Do you have a family? I have a wife and I have a boy.
Are they safe? Syria to Libya, safe.
Boat to Italy, safe.
Smugglers take us from Italy, not safe.
We got split up.
And now, no news.
Listen, Sami? I want to help you.
Let me give you some money.
- No, no, no.
- Yes, look take, erm Haven't got any cash on me.
Oh, Katy, please, really it's fine.
No, I'm helping you.
That is it, I'm helping you.
Here.
What is this? It's a Cafe Nero loyalty card.
You get a stamp for every coffee you buy and every nine stamps, you get a free one.
- I have two stamps.
- Yes.
- I need seven more stamps.
- Yes, you do.
I'm afraid I'm in no position to speculate on the coffee market like this.
I know.
It's shit.
If you would like to help, there is something you can do for me.
- No.
- He hasn't got a UK SIM.
Just lend him your work phone.
My work phone is not for recreational use.
He wants to tell his wife he's alive, not WhatsApp her a picture of his balls.
Yes, well I don't know how they greet each other in their culture.
You've got an unlimited international package.
It's not going to cost you anything.
Just do it.
One call.
Thank you.
Thank you.
What's wrong with you? - What do you mean, what's wrong with me? - You're scared of him.
I'm not scared of him.
I just don't want him in the house.
We don't know who he is.
He could be a criminal, he could be a terrorist, he could have Ebola.
- Sami.
- What? Do you have Ebola? Not really.
- Ebola free.
- Look, my point is Is that your Ebola impression? Yes, thank you so much for that.
My point is, the borders have been left unchecked for years.
We were a soft touch.
Oh, well thank God you voted Leave then cos that's all going very well.
I wanted to send a message to Westminster.
What did it say? "Hi, I'm a twat?" No I just don't want him in the house.
It's my house.
It's ringing.
Voicemail.
Yazmin - Donking.
- Dorking.
Dorking.
Katy, John - Peter.
- Peter.
I'll leave your phone here? - Just here.
- In case she calls back.
- He's staying the night.
- What? No, he's not.
Sami, would you like another cup of tea? For God's sake.
Yes.
Yes? We had a call from this address about a man trapped in a car? Right.
False alarm, I hung up.
We try and follow up interrupted emergency calls.
Good for you.
- All right, mate? - Hi.
- What's your name? - Sami.
I'm friend of Peter and Katy.
- Old friend.
- Thank you, John.
And how long have you been here? Six years, and one half.
Six and one half years.
I meant today.
A few hours.
I think I will make another sandwich.
My one weakness.
Chocolate spread.
It's my favourite.
Thank you so much for coming with me to Croydon.
Yes, we can thank Katy.
Well, thank you also.
I know, Peter, you must think I am 100% to the maximum son of a bitch.
I hide in your car, I impose on you I understand.
If you do this to me I will be, "Aargh.
What is your job, Peter? I'm in construction.
- You build your house? - Katy's house.
No.
I'm a quantity surveyor.
What is this? It's the management of materials and costs for construction projects.
I mean, if anything it's cost minimisation without jeopardising safety standards and quality.
- Sounds quite boring.
- Well, depends how you define boring.
That.
Mr Ibrahim? - Do you need medical help? - No.
- Are you hungry? - I'm always hungry.
Don't tuck it in.
Forefinger on the pad.
No, a forefinger.
Biometrics have no match for you on watch lists or Eurodac.
Is that good for me? It's good for everyone.
My name is Sami Ibrahim, and I wish to claim asylum in the United Kingdom.
- Mr Ibraham - I love United Kingdom.
Winston Churchill, Elizabeth II, Top Gear.
Even the one with Joey.
- It is my dream to live here.
- We are not interviewing you.
- I don't understand.
- Can we get you an interpreter? - What? - You said you didn't understand.
You inferred you needed an interpreter.
I implied it you inferred it.
- Can I get you an interpreter? - This isn't QI.
I don't know where my family is.
Help me.
Help me, please.
Today is not an assessment.
Today is a screening.
We take details.
We will then ask you to attend a more in-depth interview at a later date.
Do you understand? Yes.
You arrived in the vehicle of a Mr Peter Guest? - Peter is a good man.
- That's not important today.
I owe him.
Sorry? I owe him.
That is how you say it, yes? I owe him.
How much do you owe him? A lot.
Smuggled him into the country, I'll fucking smuggling him out.
- I'm the innocent one here.
- I'm Mandela.
I'm Cliff.
So, how much longer is he going to be held for? - Look, I can't say.
- This is ridiculous.
Smuggler? He couldn't smuggle a Dr Pepper into a fucking cinema.
Just watch the language, please.
You lay a finger on him, I will come down on you like a shitstorm.
I'm not going anywhere by the way.
Consider this a protest.
- Battery's gone, where's the charger? - Uh Petrol station near Calais.
I'm OK.
I'm all right, I'm all right.
My blood sugar was low but someone had a garibaldi, I'm all right now.
Oh, baby.
Come on.
How was jail? Didn't let it beat me, John.
They can lock you up but true freedom? Well that lies within the human spirit.
- How long was I in for? - Two and a half hours.
Let's go home.
Let's go home.
I mean, they offered me a blanket but I refused.
It was clearly mind games but, uh What's he doing here? I am an asylum seeker.
It is official.
- How long were you in there for? - About 35 minutes.
You swan in and out and they virtually bang me up.
- Is everyone on drugs? - Right, everyone in the car, please.
Peter, that's not funny.
Back seat, Sami.
Very hilarious.
Thank you very much.
Whose is this? - Mine.
- May I use it? - Absolutely not.
- Of course.
Actually, I already used it.
- Buy me another.
- God willing.
Hard bristle.
You like him, don't you? - Why? - He's on an adventure.
And the towel.
Well, he's had a long, hard journey to get here.
Yeah.
It must've been really uncomfortable in the back of the car.
Exactly.
He's very lucky that your mother's let him stay but when it's time for him to go he will be on his way.
Like you.
What? She allows you to stay here.
- I know, but - And when it's time for you to go, you'll be on your way.
You don't like him, do you? - I'm sizing him up.
- I'm sizing you up.
Yes, a good chat.
Good chat.
- Long day.
- Long day.
Do you think he's going to be warm enough on the sofa? - I've left the heating on.
- He'll be fine.
He's only here a night then he's gone.
Oh, for God's sake, Peter, please try.
- I'm doing my best.
- Yeah, I know.
And if I move my things in Peter, we've only been seeing each other for ten months.
Yes but I'm just saying, if I moved my stuff in Pickfords can't solve this for you, love.
Maybe it's too soon for both of us, hm? I mean, we both came into this from tough places.
Have you ever looked back at our dating profiles? All the time.
"English rose seeks tender gardener.
" - Now why do you think you wrote that? - I was feeling a bit vulnerable.
It makes sense.
When did she break off the engagement? - 2001.
- So maybe you're a little bit out of practice.
We have a good time though, don't we? - The holiday was nice.
- The holiday was lovely.
I don't understand the problem then.
I don't understand what I'm Right, well the problem is, the nice times take care of themselves.
I need you close in the difficult ones as well.
Embrace this.
- No, this, Sami.
- I am embracing this.
I'm embracing He's lost and alone and he needs looking after.
- He's not Paddington.
- Yes, he is.
He's exactly fucking Paddington.
OK, you know what? Time for Peter to have his say.
Stop.
Peter time.
Because I think part of the problem here, is that I don't speak up enough.
Now, I'm here because I adore you.
But I'm also here to protect you.
That's the natural way.
And if that man downstairs is Paddington, then, I'm sorry, but I'm fresh out of marmalade sandwiches.
And if that makes me Eeyore then hell, I guess I'm Eeyore.
And I know I've mixed my bears up, but frankly, go tell it to Christopher Robin cos I couldn't give two shits.
Thought I'd keep you company.
First night in the UK and all that.
She kicked you out of bed.
We have both been exiled by an unstoppable force.
What are they? - What do you keep eating? - Dates.
- Date? - No, thanks.
You're not my type.
A date is the refugee's best friend.
It nourishes you.
Hydrates you.
And it's not very big.
It's good if you are in a small space for a long time with no rest room.
That is absolutely disgusting.
Perfect for the man on the go.
- You do not know how grateful I am.
- Yeah.
Good.
Peter? What? Is there anything you would like to ask me? What do you mean? Well You have not actually asked me anything about myself since I got here.
No, you're all right.
Please.
What side of the road do you drive? The one without the tank there.
- Is that the right? - Sometimes.
- OK, because here, you see - You drive on the left, yes.
The whole world knows how proud you are of this.
Yeah.
It's something different, isn't it? You would love my wife.
She sings.
All the time.
God, she loves to sing.
She must have a beautiful voice.
Actually it's fucking terrible.
Sometimes we sing together.
You do not want to hear that.
No wonder there is a war on.
George, he hates it, but we love it.
You'll get your family back, you know.
Yes.
Is there anything I can do? To make you feel more at home? Actually, yes.
What? Tear down those two walls and blow up the toilet.
Goodnight, Sami.
Goodnight, Peter.