Home Economics (2021) s02e01 Episode Script

1 Ahh.
[upbeat music.]
Chapter eight, Tom's family had gotten used to the idea that he was writing a novel about them.
And now it felt like the Hayworths were entering a new season together stronger, connected, - more devoted than ever.
- Oh, sorry, I got to take this.
- Business call.
- But this is a family brunch.
And this is a business call.
Frank! All right, what do you guys want to do the rest of the weekend? I promised Marina I wouldn't work on the book.
Isn't hanging out with us kind of like research for you? What? No.
No, come on, this is family time.
This isn't research.
Does anyone else want a drink? Add a beat where everyone's suspicious that Tom's secretly recording everything for his book.
Family time, so precious.
Can we do something tomorrow that's not too pricey? - Like going to the park.
- Fine by me.
I mean, speaking as an under-employed American.
Plus, I really don't want the kids to get used to Connor's lifestyle.
Yeah, last week Camila asked me where we were summering.
Question for the table, who wants to see a 49ers game? [kids cheer.]
Oh, uh, actually, - we were just saying that - Shut up, Tom.
In a luxury suite.
[kids cheer.]
[kids chanting.]
Connor, Connor, Connor, Connor! Hey, hey, hey, hey So I'm closing a deal with this guy, Frank huge Niners fan.
He's got this luxury suite at Levi's Stadium, and he wants to bring me to a game.
- What kind of deal? - Frank's got his own hedge fund, but he's got this pool of money he's looking to sidecar with my firm for some more private small-cap investment typ You know what? Stop.
It's too boring.
- Right? - Gretchen.
Look, the problem is, Frank only has five tickets to the suite, which means, including the kids, I can't bring everyone.
- Obviously, Marina's coming.
- That we will.
- Why obviously? - Because Marina's a fan.
She's the only one here who knows the 49ers average time of possession last season.
31 minutes.
- I knew that.
- Yeah, I was gonna say 31.
Possession like spirits? Guys, look, it's a schmooze situation.
Emily used to have my back at these things, but now that we're split, you know, I need someone who knows what she's talking about.
What happened to going to the park? The park's gonna be there next week.
- Luxury suite, Tom.
- [chuckles.]
Okay.
I guess if Marina's going, then I'm going.
[tense music.]
- Because? - Because I like football.
[laughter.]
What? [laughter.]
Okay, yeah, look, maybe not as much as Marina, but I like watching the old pigskin fly.
- [laughter.]
- That's funny.
You gotta put stuff like that in the book.
- I'm serious.
- Tom, you're a lot of things.
Okay? But you're not a sports guy.
When we were kids, no one wanted to pick you for their teams.
Because they said I was a good scorekeeper.
Yeah, now hearing that back, it kind of seems like maybe they didn't need a scorekeeper.
No, that's an important position.
Okay, are you guys forgetting that I was a jock? Freshman year, remember? I used to get up at 5:30 a.
m.
every morning to shave my legs.
Diving team.
That tracks.
But then he had an "injury" that ended his "athletic career.
" I hit the water at an extremely dangerous angle.
- Mm.
- Sometimes I can still feel the water in my ear.
Okay, fine, Tom, you can come.
- Thank you.
- What about me? - Us.
- What about us? Just kind of figured you guys wouldn't want to come given the fact that you think anything with the word "luxury" in it is automatically evil.
Yeah, well, I also like to be included.
Plus the NFL said that football is gay now.
So we are everywhere.
Well, Connor, what about these kids? ALL: Please, please, please, please, please, please.
- Okay, too much.
- Okay, fine.
How about this? I'll buy some reg ticks in the stands.
Alejandro, Esteban, you guys are gonna have to sit this one out, okay? You're clearly Packers fans.
And the rest of you, can take turns in the luxury suite.
Everybody happy? - [cheering.]
- Yeah! Ooh! [kids chanting.]
Connor, Connor, Connor Are you ready for some football? - Garoppolo! - ALL: Garoppolo.
Go 49ers! Tom, you're trying too hard, man.
Also, come on, what is this? Cool kids wear it with the tags on.
At least he's trying to belong.
What are you talking about? I belong.
How else would I know that the special teams unit is responsible for all kicking plays? It's so cute, this morning he was on the Wikipedia page for "American Football.
" Really? He sounded so natural.
All right, the luxury suite's up this way.
Kelvin, Shamiah, you sure you guys are good in the stands? Can we get on the Jumbotron if we're in the luxury suites? - I don't think so.
- Then we'll be in the stands.
[upbeat music.]
Welcome to Levi's Stadium, - home of your San Francisco 49ers.
- Whoo.
Look at this place.
Wow.
- Connor.
- Frank.
- Thanks again for the tickets, man.
- Oh, my pleasure.
Say, this is my wife, Georgia.
She never misses a game.
How about your wife? Did you bring her? Oh, no, I'm actually, uh, freshly divorced, but I brought the next best thing.
My brother, Tom uh, Tom, move out of the way My brother Tom's wife, Marina.
Oh, hi.
I am so used to watching these games at home.
I just I cannot believe that I get to watch Fred Warner crush somebody in person.
So, you're a football widow, too? No, what? No.
I love the gridiron.
[chuckles.]
- Let's have shrimp.
- Some okay.
Hit it Check out those moves.
[screams.]
Okay, sure, they're fun to watch and their moves are fire.
I think I used that correctly.
But they're only here to support the men on the field.
That's not true.
They're athletes in their own right.
And they do community outreach.
Alexis and Marissa visited a children's hospital last week.
- I follow their Instagram.
- Really? I also follow Kaley Cuoco's dog.
I follow a lot of people, okay? Anyway, can we just, for once, pretend to like normal American things? Yes, yes, of course.
Okay, I will go get us some normal American vegan nachos.
- That's the spirit.
- Okay.
49ers first down.
So, um, cheerleading isn't Mom's vibe? She has a very particular vibe.
It's just there was this cheerleading thing at school, and I was thinking Of trying out? No.
Never mind, forget it.
Don't tell Mom.
So I said, "Uh, yeah, maybe if I were a Jets fan.
" [laughter.]
Yo, Marina, you're killing me.
- Thanks, 24KGoldn.
- Your wife is a riot.
Oh, no, she's actually, um - Yeah, she really is.
- Oh! The doctor said the water's still in there.
It's yeah.
You know, sometimes I can still hear it sloshing around.
- [laughter.]
- Stop it.
Oh, let them have their fun.
If it's not for you, it's not for you.
I guess it's always kind of been this way.
Connor would bond with our dad over sports and make fun of me for not being able to catch a ball.
But it's different now.
I mean, we're older.
I could be a sports guy if I want to.
Well, here comes your chance.
I've got Georgia on my mind.
[laughs.]
Oh, Jerry, that gets me every time.
Meet my new friend, Tom.
Tom, how you doing? Nice to meet you.
- He's a big football fan.
- Hm.
Well, you know, I guess I dabble.
- How about yourself? - I guess I know a little about football.
Oh, okay.
Do you know about the special teams? - Oh, God.
Is that Jerry Rice? - Uh-huh.
Yeah, and he's talking to Tom.
Oh, God.
At the end of the day, it's all about yards.
You know, which team has the most yards - and downs.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
- Tom doesn't know who he is? - No, not a clue.
- Yeah.
If I had to pick my favorite down, I'd say 3rd down.
Yeah, no, yeah, 3rd down.
- What's your favorite down? - Touchdown.
Huh, I didn't know that was an option.
- I'll go over there.
- Okay, honey.
Ooh, stopped at the line.
[screaming.]
Over here.
[cheering.]
They don't have vegan nachos here.
Can you believe that? - Oh, crazy.
- Yeah.
Uh, so, I have something important to tell you.
[gasps.]
Did we win? Is it over? - No, it's still very early in the game.
- Oh.
But while you were gone, Kelvin told me that he's interested in trying out for the cheerleading squad at school.
- What? - Yeah.
What do you think about that? Wow, I guess I'm proud of him.
Way to push against the gender norms.
- Yeah.
- Good for Kelvin.
Good for you, Kelvin.
Yeah, yeah, totally.
I'm on the same page.
So, what if I told you that it was actually Shamiah - who said that? - Huh? What? Who? - So not Kelvin? - No.
Well, with Shamiah it is a totally different situation - because she's - Oh, I see.
Okay, so if your son is a cheerleader, that's progressive, but if your daughter's a cheerleader, that's regressive? Admit it, I got you.
Ya burnt.
I'm not burnt.
I remain unburnt.
- Ya burnt.
- Okay, you know that cheerleaders are viewed a certain way.
By you, yes, you made that very clear and that's why Shamiah didn't want to tell you.
She thought you'd be all judgy.
That's ridiculous, I'm not judgy.
You know, calling someone judgy, that is a form of judgment.
Mm.
You know that there are different standards for girls and boys.
That's like Feminism 101.
I thought feminism was being allowed to do whatever you want.
- Ooh, she got you there, bro.
- Okay, thank you.
You are not part of this discussion, sir.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Whoo! - Whoo.
See, a lot of people think a touchdown's worth seven points.
It's really just six.
The seven is like a an extra point, if you will.
Or there's what we call a two-point conversion.
I know.
It can be a little confusing.
Hey, big fan.
Excuse us for a second.
Also, check out the chocolate strawberries, they're delicious, yeah.
What are you doing? I'm schmoozing, you know? Talking sports.
You just tried to explain football to Jerry Rice.
Who's Jerry Rice? Tom, he's the best receiver of all time.
[laughs.]
Oh.
This is why I didn't want to bring you up here, Tom.
These are important people for my business.
- Okay, you don't fit in here.
- Oh, well, I'm sorry if I'm screwing everything up for you.
If I'm not luxury suite material, like my wife.
Whoa.
If anyone asks, she's my wife.
- What? - BOTH: Faithful to the Bay! That's right, honey.
Love you.
Hey, why don't you go switch with Sarah? Are you kidding? Yeah, you know what? I'd rather be in the stands.
You know, with the real sports fans.
Ooh, on second thought, can you send Denise? [groans.]
I don't know, Sarah, sounds like you're proposing a false choice between female empowerment and sex positivity.
- He's got a point.
- Mm-hmm.
All right, who wants the luxury suite? - Oh, you can go.
- [sighs.]
Just in time.
I've had enough of Gloria Steinem over here.
- Hey, Phil gets it.
- [burps.]
And he gave me the finger.
How's it going down here? Oh, you know, just philosophical discussions about progressive parenting.
Football stuff.
- Right.
- Go Niners! Could you not? It's my diving ear.
Maybe Connor's right.
I'm not a fan.
Definitely not a jock.
I just embarrass everyone by pretending otherwise.
Hey, you don't embarrass me.
I know you're a straight-up nerd.
[chuckles.]
Ladies and gentlemen, get ready for our halftime kick contest.
One lucky fan will come down to try and kick a field goal.
Probably should've just stayed at home.
And that fan is seated in section C214.
Row 16, seat 7.
Tom.
Tom! Sorry, it's like high tide in there.
What's up? All I'm saying is, why not make all the stands luxury suites? You know, so that everybody has access to them.
Mm, so Denise didn't want to come or Hey, Connor, isn't that your brother? - Ay, Dios mío.
- What's happening? This oughta be good.
And sign here, and you're all set for your big kick.
Oh, okay, great.
Can you feel my heart? It's weird.
My heart feels weird, right? That's the adrenaline.
This is actually good.
How is this good? I have to go kick that ball in front of 70,000 people.
Plus 15 million watching on TV.
What are you no.
That's not helping.
Listen, you are going to succeed, okay, because if you do, we'll get tickets for the luxury suite for another game.
Oh, well, fantastic.
Yeah, Dad, I can't go back to sitting in the regular seats.
The luxury suite's nicer than our house.
Listen, why don't you go run around in the end zone.
I'm such an idiot.
I tried to pass myself off as a jock for one day and now I'm gonna fail in front of literally the entire world.
Just like I failed in front of Jerry - Rice.
- Rice, yeah.
I knew it had something to do with starch.
Listen, babe, you don't have to do this, okay.
Look, if I bail now, Connor's gonna make fun of me for the rest of my life, but I mean, if I go out there, I it's gonna be worse.
I don't want this to be the first thing that Alejandro and Esteban see when they Google me.
- Es-te-ban.
- I want it to be that book review from the Sarasota Herald Tribune that said my writing was promising.
Listen to me, everything's going to be fine as long as you keep your body square.
You plant your foot.
Aim for the sweet spot.
Connect to the top of your laces, and follow through.
Got it.
Wait, what was the second thing? I love you, no matter what happens.
No matter what happens? What could happen? 'Cause I like to chill out Maxin' with the latest fashion And the ladies gasping I can't believe Uncle Tom's gonna kick the ball.
What if they ask him to join the team? Yeah, I don't see that happening.
Can you feel the music? Can you feel Okay, 49er fans, please welcome to the field our halftime field goal kicker, Tom Hayworth.
50 bucks he misses this field goal.
50 bucks says he misses the ball.
[laughter.]
How are you guys brothers? He doesn't even look like he could throw the ball through the uprights.
Well, you know, he's got his own skill set.
What? Getting wedgied? [laughter.]
Doesn't even make sense, Frank.
Looks like a shrimp snuck off the buffet.
Go, go, go, go, Tom.
Go.
Go, go, Tom, go.
Go, Tom! Oh, my God.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Mom, what are you doing? Okay.
I'm cheerleading, obviously.
Just come here.
Look, I know that I have strong opinions about some things, but they're just opinions, and they're just my opinions.
They don't have to be yours, so if you want to join the cheer squad, I will be your number one fan.
I will be out there screaming the loudest for you.
I'll make sure she doesn't scream that loud.
Come here, baby.
I'm proud of you.
- I love you.
- I love you, too.
[chuckling.]
And you know if you're doing a herkie, you want to keep one leg bent.
Hmm.
So you're an expert already.
Okay.
Yeah, this feels right.
This is the move.
I'll just get in the car and start driving.
The road will be my home.
Yes, follow through, I know.
Thank you.
- Did Daddy go home? - Of course not, mi amor.
He's probably just throwing up somewhere.
Tom! What'd you come down here to mock me again? No, if I wanted to mock you, I would've brought Frank and Jerry, they're really having a field day up there in the suite.
No, I came down here to, you know, help you.
What about your big business deal? Frank's a jerk.
I just want to make sure you get the ball through those uprights.
The pole things.
Oh, come on, man.
Come on.
You know that's not gonna happen.
You've been making fun of me about this stuff my entire life.
- Tom.
- You and Dad used to bond over sports I was on the outside for a reason.
Tom, if I made fun of you as a kid, it was just to make myself feel better.
All right? Not like I was gonna bond with Dad over science stuff or, like, bioengineering.
Oh, my God, he was a chemical engineer.
Sports were all we had in common.
Okay, and yes, you sucked at throwing.
And hitting.
And catching.
Thankfully, 'cause you were so good at everything else.
I mean, you said you wanted to be writer when you were what? In middle school? You actually did that, man.
You believed that people would care to read what you, of all people, have to say.
Well, I guess the Sarasota Herald Tribune said I had a - relatable voice.
- You are who you are, man.
All right, you're not gonna be a jock no matter how many Wikipedia pages you read.
And what happens on that field is not gonna change the way I feel about you.
Even if you split your pants and crap yourself.
Well, I didn't know that was a possibility, but now that's in my head.
It's definitely a possibility, but I do think you can do it.
It's only, like, 20 yards.
Nice catch.
Looking like a football player already.
Yeah, well, you know, clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose.
That's a football reference.
You don't have to love football to love "Friday Night Lights," right? - Coach Taylor, right? - Oh, my God, Kyle Chandler.
- Yeah.
- It's insane.
- That's my guy.
- So good.
That's my guy.
Shouldn't they get started? What happened to Tom? Wait, look.
[uplifting music.]
- Whoo! - Hey, there, 49 fans, please welcome to the field our halftime field goal contest kicker, Tom Hayworth.
[chuckles.]
[cheers and applause.]
Hey.
No one else here.
Okay? Just me and you in our backyard.
["Come Sail Away" by Styx.]
Whoa! - [whistle blows.]
- Oh! [screaming.]
[cheering.]
- [horn blows.]
- Whoo! Come sail away, come sail away Come sail away with me It also air broils at the same time.
I did it.
Did I do it? I did it, right? You did it.
You did [laughs.]
Ah, I'm in so much pain.
Can you believe it? No, not really.
How did you do it? I I don't know.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Yeah! [sighs.]
That guy stole our Gatorade.
[upbeat music.]
Hey, do you have feeling back in your ass? It's, uh, still pretty sore, but good news is, the water, it's gone.
Oh, great.
- [dynamic rock music.]
- Guys, it's on.
And a final note, at yesterday's 49ers game one lucky fan got to attempt a field goal during halftime.
Look at that, sweetie, he called you a fan.
Now, the approach looks decent, he connects and look at that form.
Somebody picked a fight with gravity and lost.
A little too much follow through.
But they're not even showing my kick go through the the - Uprights.
- The uprights.
Hey, but at least you made it.
They can't take that away from you.
You're right, I scored a field goal at Levi's Stadium.
How many other people can say that? And it turns out, our star kicker has quite the athletic history.
Oh, my God, no.
[laughter.]
I feel badly for the water.
Well, I guess he shaved his legs for nothing.
- Which is a shame.
- Oh, my God.
How did they get this footage? - It's not really diving, is it? - I don't know.
It's more kind of falling.
If you look closely, right there at the bottom of the pool, you can see his dignity.