Home Economics (2021) s02e19 Episode Script

Chapter 26 Tom's 40th birthday was approaching, and he was hoping his family would let it pass quietly.
Lordy, Lordy, my boy is almost 40.
Here it is, Tommy.
Middle age.
All right, well, thank you for the reminder, Dad.
Yeah, I'm just sorry I'm gonna be the only one in town for your big day.
You know, your mom wishes she could be here.
Yeah, well, I'd hate for her to turn down a role in a - over-60 production of "Grease.
" - Yeah.
Besides, she knows I don't like to make a big deal - about my birthday.
- Tom, but this is 40.
You think they made a whole movie with that title for no reason? You gotta do something.
I am doing something.
I'm working.
This is the deadline that I gave myself to turn in my novel.
Oh, you got to admire the commitment.
I mean, I wish I'd given my little stories a shot, but, uh, nobody wants to read that stuff.
Hey, I love "The Marshall Chronicles.
" An old cop who doesn't play by the rules? Dad, the world is ready.
Yeah, there's still time for you and Detective Marshall Strongwood.
I always tell my students Mark Twain was 41 when he published "Tom Sawyer.
" Same age as Bradley Cooper when he did "Aloha.
" Great flick.
Good point.
Marina, can I borrow your giant snack platter thing - that you never use? - Which one? Whenever I go to Target, I buy another.
I don't know why.
It's like I black out.
Well, uh, we're having Simon, the personal trainer slash potential donor, over.
Ooh.
I know I just met him briefly, but I would pick him as a sperm donor for his calves alone.
You guys, are we really gonna let Tom's 40th go by without doing anything big? You know Tom and birthday parties.
No, I'm just keeping it simple, like he wants it.
Just dinner at Gianno's.
You guys go there for chicken Parm, - like, once a week.
- Yeah.
When it's your birthday, they do double cheese.
- Okay.
- What is it with Tom and birthday parties? Well When Tom was 11, he had a party at Showbuzz PizzaTown.
But before the animatronic gorilla could rap "Booyah, It's Your B-Day," Connor pantsed Tom.
- To the skin.
- Oh, that's bad.
I didn't mean to do full pants.
Look, let me fix this, okay? I'll throw Tom a party so sick, he'll forget about the pizza trauma and love birthdays again.
- Is that a yes or - Oh, I'm sorry.
When you guys, uh, start telling family stories, I just kind of zone out.
I get that.
Don't you need to get to your class? Just finishing up.
So you're almost done with your book? - That's great.
- Yeah, well, I'm almost done writing it, but then I have to do a grammar pass and a semicolon pass.
I gotta make sure all the quotation marks are the - You know, the - Curly ones? Yeah, that I like.
Plus, I also gotta figure out what your fictional name is gonna be.
Is it Carmen? Is it, ooh, Celinda? First of all, there's no way in hell I'm a Celinda.
Second of all, sounds like you might be - avoiding turning this in.
- Uh, yeah.
Of course I'm avoiding it.
After my last book tanked, I put everything into this one.
Honestly, it's the most personal thing I've ever written.
If this one flops too, I mean I don't know, maybe that's it for me as a writer.
Then what do I have? I don't know, I would say a beautiful wife.
Three wonderful children.
Yeah, but what else? Hmm.
Guess that's it.
- Yeah.
- Well, we tried.
Hey, came to get that platter.
I need one that tells our donor, "I'm the ideal vessel for your DNA.
" Hi, Denise.
Bye, Denise.
Love you, Isabella? Fernanda? Paulina? Love you, bye.
Not Fernanda.
Is Tom okay? Seemed like he didn't know your name just then.
Oh, he's just going through something.
The book and his career and turning 40.
Right, that's a lot.
Have you settled on a gift? A "Ghostbusters" Funko Pop! Okay.
I think we can beat that.
I doubt it.
It's Annie Potts.
You know, I think I have an idea that'll make Tom lose his mind.
I'm listening.
Boudoir photos.
Oh, pfft.
I'm being serious.
I took some sexy photos for Sarah and made a page-a-day calendar.
365 days of Denise.
There were some repeats.
I don't know, I don't feel sexy.
I just had twins, like, six minutes ago.
And some stranger taking pictures of my business? Okay, well, I'll take your pictures.
We've tried on bikinis for, like, five hours in the Billabong outlet.
I've seen your business.
And you you've watched me giving birth.
Yeah, yeah, that's a video I never need to see again.
Hey, guys, sorry I'm late.
Had to perform a little semicolon-oscopy.
Writer's joke, but I don't have to tell you guys.
You get it.
But, uh, today, you're gonna be reading your stories in front of the class.
I hope everyone's ready.
Oh, I can't wait, Teach.
What's happening? Greetings, my name is Marshall.
Uh, last name not important.
I'm a retired gentleman visiting this town, and I signed up to audit this class.
What? Why? What? Well, I was recently inspired to pursue the writing arts, and I'm hoping to get the ole juices flowing.
Okay.
Uh, can I see you in the hallway for a second, new student? What's happening? Well, after you mentioned Mark Twain and Bradley Cooper, I dusted off "The Marshall Chronicles," called the admissions office.
Can you believe I'm gonna be in your class? No, I can't believe it.
Seems like a very not good idea.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry, Tom.
I guess you're right.
I'm just an old man with a dumb dream, and I'm leaving.
Dad, come here.
You can you can stay, okay? It's just a couple days.
But fair warning, these kids can be harsh.
Oh, I can take it.
Hey, and I'll call you Professor like everybody else.
Nobody does that.
Well, they should.
I'll get it started.
Great advice, Professor.
Finally settled on a theme for the party.
Tom's Sssmokin' 40th.
Got Guy Fieri's brisket and cigar restaurant to do the food, and for DJs, I got the Chainsmoker who actually does something.
Alexa, remind me to call my walk-in vape closet guy.
- When should I remind you? - Never.
- Okay.
- Alexa, remind me to tell Sarah she's a killjoy.
When should I remind you? How 'bout in 60 seconds? Okay, I'll remind you in one minute.
What's your deal? It's gonna be a great party.
Yeah, a party that's not meant for Tom.
Why? 'Cause of the asthma thing? - Yeah.
- Sarah, we both know that's just in his head.
No, it's not.
Do you really think that? No, it's in his lungs.
And he said no fuss, okay? You're gonna throw him a smoke-filled rager? Okay, no smoke.
Smoke's out.
Alexa, take dry ice off my shopping list.
I've checked off dry ice from your shopping list.
- Compromises.
- Great.
And I'm sure whatever you do next will be perfect.
Thank you.
Conner, here is your reminder.
Tell Sarah she's a killjoy.
Oh.
Alexa doesn't know we're in a different place now.
Ready.
I put something on I bet Tom will love.
You got something hot under that robe? No, I was talking about the robe.
Terry cloth really gets him going.
Okay, Marina, this isn't just for Tom.
- This is for you - Right.
To own your sexuality, to feel your power.
Yes.
Yeah.
All right, let's do this.
There she is.
Okay, so for music, what sounds sexy to you? Some D'Angelo? Some TLC? What about, uh, the "Grey's Anatomy" theme? - Are you serious? - I know.
I've already got it up on my queue.
- Aw, stop! - Yes.
Ooh, good.
Wow, that is good.
Yeah, take those slippers off.
You don't need them.
You don't need no socks.
Bite it.
Your floors are squeaky-clean.
Who cares? Oh, my gosh, so ticklish.
It's so silly.
She's having a great time.
Where'd she go? Hey, come back.
Oh, there she is.
Peekaboo.
Who's this blonde lady? Where'd she come from? Yes.
Aye, aye, Captain.
I want you 20,000 leagues under me.
- I think we got it.
- Wow.
- Denise, you have a gift.
- So do you.
Look at that heinie.
Now all you have to do is print 'em out.
Wait a second.
I think we can go further.
Let me try something.
Okay.
Oh, you're not gonna You are gonna.
Okay, yeah.
As Marshall Strongwood steered the fan boat through the swamp air, he brushed the velvet neck of the beautiful but mature crawdad fisherwoman, and he knew he was home.
Okay, thank you for that, Marshall.
Professor, I named the main character after myself.
Yeah, no.
No, I got that.
So, uh, before I open up the floor for feedback, just like to remind everyone to keep the criticism constructive, okay? I'll go first.
Chills.
Chills.
Oh, okay, uh, we're all fans of "The Marshall Chronicles: Bayou Heat"? Loved it, and I have a button on my bag that says "Abolish the police.
" I never thought hearing about someone Rob Lowe's age having sex would be hot.
But it was.
- Wow.
- Okay, we don't have to applaud for every Guys, we just don't have to applaud for every student.
Okay, who's up next? I asked, "What vegan cheeses do you have?" And she said, "Cashew," and I said, "Bless you.
" And she laughed so hard.
Sarah, I'm dead.
Like, you guys are so great.
You're so great.
You know, when Denise said, "Oh, I found this guy at the park who likes to give away his sperm," I was concerned, but yay.
Well, I'm so glad.
Obviously, I have a few questions before we move ahead.
Okay, sure.
Just basics, like background, lifestyle, extracurriculars.
- Extracurriculars? - Yeah, yeah.
I have to know what kind of life I'd be helping to create.
Well, can't just run around making kids with whomever, - right? - Oh, right.
Of course.
I get that.
The last couple I donated to were opera singers, which was great for me.
I'm a huge Puccini freak.
- Oh.
- So are we.
We have season tickets.
Yeah, Puccini, Rossini.
All the "inis" all the time over here.
All the time.
Thank you for letting me use your fancy printer.
- No prob.
- I've got this, uh This important work presentation.
Sounds good.
Hey, can I run something by you for Tom's birthday party? Oh, yeah.
Okay, so, um, I know a guy who knows a guy who knows will.
i.
am.
- Nope.
- Okay.
Cool.
Great feedback, thank you.
Oh, you're bad.
"The Alabaster Killer's trail had gone cold as day-old gumbo"? Hey-o.
Oh, my God.
Marshall.
Sounds like you got a chunk of the next chapteroo I'm taking to Tom's class.
I will put your page right there.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yes, thank you.
You want to know what languages we speak.
Well, uh, that makes total sense.
Basically English.
- And Korean.
- No way.
My boyfriend was born in Busan.
- Was he? - Oh.
Well, tell him I said Nice, I will tell him to put on his dancing shoes.
Pretty good.
Being multilingual is a huge plus for me.
- Uh, do you guys travel? - Well, last summer, the kids dragged us to Six Flags.
Flaags, yeah.
Flaags being the, uh, rating system for Finnish ski hotels, so a six-flaag hotel - would be a really good one.
- Yep.
Wow, you guys are so worldly.
- I well, um, I need - Yes.
To go use the, uh Which, of course, Denise knows is the - Butcher shop.
- Bathroom.
- Bathroom.
- But when I get back, we have to talk skiing.
- Have to.
- Of course.
- Of course.
- The guest bath is down the hall to the left.
Oh, awesome.
BRB.
Guest bath? That is our only bath.
Why are you lying, and how do you know Korean? It's from a K-pop song Shamiah loves.
I'm sorry, I panicked.
I just wanted to impress him, but I'll stop.
- Yeah.
- Wow, I love your hand towels.
They were a gift from the governor.
I'm sorry.
Don't let this ruin your birthday.
Your dad is only sitting in for a week, and besides, college kids don't know anything about good writing.
You're right.
That's why I'm gonna read some of my novel today.
Show 'em what good writing really is.
There you go.
And remember, the most important thing is Ooh, Denise is calling.
- Call you back.
- Wait, what what - What were you gonna say? - So how'd they turn out? They're so good.
I am so hot.
I'm not sure about the Yoda ears, though.
Go crazy your husband will.
Oh, wait a second.
Um, I'm missing one of the pictures.
- Which one? - Um, the one.
The Full Marina? I I must've left it in Connor's office when I ran out because, um 'cause Marshall was there.
He was printing out a chapter to read in Tom's class.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God! "As they danced to the steel drum music, Tim realized they had pulled it off by upholding the most important tradition of all: Turning Thanksgiving into their special day of fighting.
" That's from an upcoming novel by a contemporary of mine.
Might not have a 70-year-old judo expert punching alligators, but hopefully you guys found it a little more I don't know, literary.
Thoughts? Yeah, I just didn't relate to any of the characters.
Huh, okay.
Uh, any any of them? I guess Colin's okay, but is he supposed to be, like, a suave tech guy or a huge doofus? I honestly can't tell.
And that sister, I mean, is that how the author thinks feminists talk? No, I know the author.
He's a feminist.
He's an ally.
But Tara can just be so Tara.
Trust me, she's a lot.
She's the worst.
No way.
Hands down, it's Tim.
Oh, well.
What's wrong with Tom with Tim? - What's wrong with Tim? - Where do I even start? I mean, like, he's out of touch.
- Uh-huh.
- Unlikable.
- Uh-huh.
- And I'm sorry, but I just don't buy that a grown man can't get the lid off a jar of salsa.
He can.
I mean He can, it's just, his wife knows the trick - to do it faster.
- Well, Professor, I found Marvin, the dad character, to be pretty groovy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
He was great.
You should tell your friend to write a book about him instead.
Well, I can't.
He's dead.
So moving on, uh, have you guys had a chance to read "The Bell Jar"? No? No one.
Okay, fantastic.
This time, I got it.
Who's Tom's favorite author? - Kurt Vonnegut.
- What? Thought it was Dean Koontz.
Great, now I gotta cancel his flight.
Are you sure that you don't need help with this party? Because we are kinda down to the wire here.
No, I'm the one who ruined his big birthday at Showbuzz PizzaTown.
It's gotta be me.
Con, that was, like, three decades ago.
It's time to put PizzaTown behind us.
You're right.
That's the only way.
- I gotta go.
- Oh, all right.
Lulu, Simon just texted.
We impressed him, and he's in.
Oh, that's great.
But, um, wasn't he impressed by fake us? I don't think we were fake.
You invited him to our Napa cottage, which does not exist.
So I let a few stories get out of hand.
- Mm.
- But he's the perfect donor.
I didn't want to lose him.
Yeah, no.
Me neither.
But if we have to lie about who we are to make this work, then is he really perfect for us? I guess not.
You really believed you're an Olympic fencer.
Hey, Tom? Tommy? I thought what you read was dynamite.
And that character of Tim, that guy's the real deal.
Well, I think you're in the minority, Dad.
But thank you.
I gotta get going.
Oh oh Love ya.
Aw, shoot.
Oh, no.
Am I too late? Is Tom gone? - You just missed him.
- Oh.
He's very upset, Marina.
Oh, no.
This is a nightmare.
The class was not ready for that.
- Ah.
- Art is subjective, but those kids were so mean.
Mean? You mean they didn't like it? I'm surprised, too, 'cause it was right up my alley.
- Ah! - I said to Tom, "Look, Tommy, buddy, this is great.
You got something so special here.
" No! No, stop.
- Yeah.
- Can I, uh, just have my photo back, please? - Photo? - You know.
The Full Marina.
What? Oh, oh.
Did did you not Did you not read your chapter to the class? Uh, no, because after Tom read some of his book, I didn't think it was a good idea.
What? - It's not here.
- What's not here? Nothing, just I am so glad that there is nothing inappropriate in that.
Au contraire, I think you'll find that Detective Strongwood's lovemaking with the lady police chief is pretty graphic.
Page 11 to 26.
- No? - I gotta go.
Uh, thank you so much for meeting with us.
Oh, well, thanks for the Peanut Butter Blast.
Although you didn't have to peanut butter me up.
I already said I'd be your donor.
Well, we wanted to clear something up first.
When you asked us about our extracurriculars, we may have extra-exaggerated.
Lied.
We lied.
- Oh.
- We just were nervous that we weren't gonna measure up to your sperm standards.
We've never been to the Alps.
Yeah, we don't own property.
We don't even have two bathrooms.
If you're noticing a theme here, it's because those things require money, which we don't have much of; that's kind of how we got here in the first place.
- Wow.
Uh, okay.
- Yeah.
Uh, well, but thanks for coming clean.
But it doesn't matter to me if you have money or not.
I mean, all that matters is, you care about being good parents.
- Really? - Yeah.
So the offer stands.
Simon.
- That is such a relief.
- Yeah.
Now we don't have to keep lying to you about everything.
Exactly.
Wait, who are you, NASA? Ooh.
Yeah, oh, oh.
Wait, what? Come on, you don't actually believe we went to the moon.
You're still laughing, so it's unclear if you're being serious or not.
Uh, I'm as serious as the Earth is flat.
Humans can't survive in space.
I've done my own research.
You know, we have to go.
- Our Napa cottage is on fire.
- Yeah.
Whoops.
That's crazy.
We just got an alert, so bye.
That was exactly the low-key double-cheese chicken-Parm birthday that I wanted.
Thank you so much.
- Let's get the kids from Lupe.
- Wait, wait.
First I I have a gift.
I'm sorry you had a tough week.
Maybe this will cheer you up.
Come on, I thought we said n Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
Oh, my God, is this you? I mean I mean, I know this is you, but I know, I was surprised too.
Do you like it? - Tom? - What? No.
Yeah, oh, my God.
No, I love it.
I love it.
Oh, and the robe that I like.
Oh, Marina, this is the most incredible gift that I've ever received.
Oh, well, there's more.
- More than this? - Last night after you went to bed, I stayed up reading your book.
- Oh.
- Honey, it's the best thing you've ever written.
- You don't have to say that.
- No, it's true.
You know I didn't like "Jeremiah's Plan.
" Yeah, you have said that a lot.
Yeah.
No, this new one, it's it's honest.
It's funny.
It's relatable.
It's Who cares what these college kids thought? The book is incredible.
Well, not as incredible as these photos.
Oh, my God, the pirate one.
Okay.
- Yeah.
- Let's get those kids and get you home right now.
- Well - What? Surprise! Oh, my God.
It's the party of your childhood dreams.
Welcome to Showbuzz PizzaTown.
This is unbelievab Is that the real thing? Yep, it's an original Burt Silverbackarach.
Poor guy's been sitting in a warehouse for 20 years, but I think he's still got the Showbuzz magic.
Gorillas should not wear people clothes.
Connor worked really hard on this.
All by himself.
Happy birthday, Tom.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, we had nothing to do with this.
He can play all the hits from 1993.
And that's about it, so I hope you're cool with that.
I'm more than cool with it.
Thank you, brother.
Oh.
Oh, oh, yeah.
- Ready, ready? - Go, Burt.
It's my birthday.
It's my birthday.
Oh.
- You're bad.
You're bad.
- So close.
You're not close.
It wasn't close.
Here we go.
Daddy? Don't look in his eyes.
Just don't look into his eyes.
They said it rarely does this.
That's a lot of smoke.
Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
Get down, get down.
- Get down! - This is what happens when you play God.
Oh, well.
Gonna be tough to part ways with my boy Burt here, but he's my gift to you.
Oh, no.
He belongs here.
- You're his family.
- No, Tom.
I insist.
No, he won't fit in my car.
Also, he's terrifying.
- Oh.
- Ooh.
- Doesn't seem right.
- That's all you, bud.
I found that birthday card you left here.
For Tom? It got stuck in the printer.
Oh, the birthday card for Tom.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
Thank you, Lupe.
Thank you.
Ooh, cool, we signing a card for Tom? - Right on, man.
- No, no, no!