Home Improvement s01e01 Episode Script


( Tool Time theme song) (Lisa) Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (applause) Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hey, guys.
My show is on.
Come on and watch! - No, thanks.
- We're playing.
- Oh Jill.
- Yeah.
I got a spot all warmed up on the couch.
Tool Time's ready to begin.
Come on.
- Couldn't get the boys to watch, huh? - They were a little busy.
- So am I.
- Well, your loss.
It's a great episode.
I'm showing everybody how to install a deadbolt lock.
so let's get that taken care of.
- (snap) - There you go.
Hear that snap? That means it's on.
Tool tip.
Tool belt fashion tip from ol' Tim - Hike it up so you avoid that unsightly butt crack, 'cause who wants to see that? Boy, there's nothing like the feeling of rawhide and cold steel hanging on your hips.
My wife says when I put this bad boy on, I turn into a wild, hairy, disgusting ape.
(grunts) You know what? I don't think women understand the feeling of rawhide and steel, vise-gripping, monkey-plier, dado, head-cut, flat jig, minor jig, box, hot goo, ar-ar-ar.
Busy day today.
Al and I are gonna rough-in that house, finish hanging that garage door, but first, we're gonna install a twin-cylinder deadbolt security lock in this door.
- Morning, Al.
- Morning, Tim.
Always follow your instructions.
Always makes jobs a bit easier.
We've already laid out with the template included in the kit where we're putting our holes.
Used my awl here to set my drill.
All right, Al, let's have the drill, please.
Whoo! Look at that butt crack you got going there.
I think we ought to start today by spackling AI's butt crack shut, huh? With the new Patch-and-Paint butt crack filler putty.
(drill) Hey, I smell voltage.
I think it's time to drill.
Right, Tim.
And we'll be using the 1 1/2 inch auger bit.
Come on, Al.
That's a girl drill.
We need a man drill, don't we? But Tim, this is the proper tool.
More power! Darn right, more power.
Thank you, Lisa.
Now, there's raw power.
This is the Binford series heavy-duty, variable-speed drill.
Double-reduction spur gearing, (grunts) But you won't even be halfway through your aug before you hear this.
(high-pitched voice) Honey, shut that thing off.
It's making too much noise.
(inquisitive grunt) Always ignore that first plea.
Just makes her yell a little louder.
Here she comes down the hall.
Boom-boom-boom-boom Shut that thing off.
Do you have mud in your ears, you big baboon? - Who's that supposed to be? - Hey! Is that supposed to be me? No, that's not you.
Oh, what a relief.
Then who is it? It's, uh, every wife.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, I happen to be a wife.
Every wife but you.
(laugh) Stop it.
You'll make me go to the bathroom.
- Let me up, let me up.
- (buzzing) No, you started this.
You're staying right there.
(laughing) No! (buzzing) No, really, I have a blouse in the dryer.
I have to get that out.
Let me go.
(Mark) Help! Tim, would you go see who's killing who out there? I can only imagine.
Randy, what are you doing to your younger brother? I'm just hanging him from the jungle gym.
- Help! - Don't do that.
He likes it.
Randy, you let go of that rope or I'm gonna hot-glue your little head to the garage door.
- No running in the house.
- Brad! Cover the ball with both hands so you don't fumble.
Go on.
And do as your mother says! Don't run in the house! - I'll be back.
- Where are you going? Sears Summer Spectacular Sale.
You can't go.
I've got this job interview.
- What job interview? - I have been telling you this all week.
It's the personnel manager at Kingman-Hartwell.
You never told me about a job interview.
Tim, do you ever listen to me? It was the last thing that I said in bed to you last night.
No, I believe, if you recall, the last thing you said to me in bed last night was, "No!" You're thinking of tonight.
(mock laughter) You split my sides.
You really do.
Is that my liver? Look in there.
Look at that.
You stop that.
I gotta be there in an hour and you gotta stay here with these kids.
- Fine.
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
- 20 minutes? Who are you kidding? You'll be down there, drooling, fondling all the tools, your eyes bugging out.
You don't even look at me like that.
I would if you were two speeds and reversible.
- Tim.
- You won't even know I'm gone.
Tim, walk out that door and this goes in the trash compactor.
Whoa! That's my Binford power tape with positive toggle lock.
- Kiss it goodbye.
- Don't turn that on.
- Are you staying? - Yes! God, you're mean to me.
Ahh, there's food boogers all over it.
Since you're staying, would you load the dishwasher? Why not? Now that you've broken my spirit.
Tim, this job is important to me.
Aren't you excited about me going back to work? Yeah, sure.
(mimicking) Yeah, sure.
Could you maybe work up a little enthusiasm? I'm sorry, honey.
Gosh, I'm excited that you won't be laying around the house mooching off the boys and me.
Oh! Do the other side.
Oh, I'm your love slave.
- Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's? - What? - Is it OK if I go over to Tommy's? - (Tim) Yeah, sure.
Honey, don't put that in the dishwasher.
You have to rinse it off first.
I gotta wash the dish before I put it in the dishwasher? Yeah.
That spray's not strong enough for egg yolk.
It would be if we had a man's dishwasher, but, no, you insisted on the Lady Soft Touch decor series.
- Little tiny buttons that no man can-- - I am so sorry.
The grunting-hairy-ape model was sold out.
(grunts) - (grunts) - Just rinse the dish.
You know, honey, I can fix the spray in this dishwasher.
No, Tim.
It's not broken.
I know.
It just needs more power.
Every time you fix something, the fire department shows up.
- This would be different because I got-- - No! I am not gonna let you ruin a perfectly good dishwasher just so you can get out your tools and play.
- Six horse-- - No.
- One-- - No.
Play? I host my own home improvement show.
Don't touch the dishwasher.
(mimicking) Don't touch the dishwasher.
I'll show her.
Boy, I'll strap that old 427 side arm V-8 on that son-of-a-B.
Dual quads, Hedman hedders, Isky cam, 700 horse, blowing everything off every dish in there, including that little sissy flower pattern.
- I heard that.
- Hey! This is my house, that is my dishwasher, and I will rewire it if I want to.
You will not rewire it and screw it up like you did the blender.
End of discussion.
What is your problem with the blender? It's the only blender on the block that can purée a brick.
Tim, I'm going to that interview.
I'll see you in a couple hours.
Good luck, honey.
And remember what Knute Rockne said: - "Hit 'em low and hit 'em hard.
" - I'll do that.
Oh, and remember, honey, don't touch the dishwasher.
Honey, I'm not one of the kids.
You only have to tell me once.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hi, Tim.
I'm gonna rewire that dishwasher.
Do you still have that compressor for sale? No, no, no.
Traded that for a set of snow tires and an accordion.
- Shoot.
- Dishwasher broken, huh? No, I'm just gonna show my wife who's man of this house.
I told her I was gonna rewire that dishwasher, she jumps all over me.
- Sometimes I don't know about her.
- This isn't about her.
- It's not? - No, no, no.
This is about you.
The reason you're having problems with your wife is because you don't know who you are as a man.
I don't have a problem in that area, Wilson.
Not what I mean, Tim.
A lot of men feel lost, confused.
You see, Tim, the industrial revolution took the adult male out of the home.
Boys were left without an older man to teach them how to be men.
We need to get back to something more primitive atavistic.
(grunts) - Atavistic.
- Mm.
How do you spell that? - Let's just say primitive.
- All right.
Men need to spend more time around the campfire with their elders, like in ancient days, seeking wisdom, telling stories, sharing - Would these men have to be naked? - No, no.
No, that's optional.
You see, Tim, it's time for men to reclaim the male spirit.
(grunts) Yeah.
I'm gonna start by reclaiming that dishwasher.
Mark, get your brothers! We're off to Sears.
(imitates horn sounding) All right, we gotta get this done before your mom gets home, OK? Take a look at this bad boy.
That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor.
- All tubing inside is stainless steel-- - Dad, why are we doing this? Randy, it's a house full of men.
We're reclaiming the male spirit.
Huh? By working on a dishwasher? It's either that or sitting around a campfire telling stories naked.
Hey, hey, hey! Where you guys going? I'm kidding around.
It's just you and me, Mark.
Unless you got something else to do.
- No.
I want to be with you.
- Great.
- What are you doing? - Getting naked.
You don't have to get all the way naked.
All right, this is bare-chested men's work.
Come over here.
All right.
Sit down there.
All right, first up, let's see them muscles.
(grunts) - (grunts) - (grunts) (grunts) - (grunts) - (grunts) - (inquisitive grunt) - (inquisitive grunt) Yeah.
I think you're ready for your new Hank the Handyman tool belt.
- (Mark grunts) - All right, let's take a look.
(whistles) Little baby butt crack.
All right.
The number one rule in home repair is safety.
We're gonna rewire a major appliance, we gotta cut the electricity off.
All right? Come on out here.
That is the fuse box.
The electrical nerve center of our house.
- Wow.
- You're darn right, wow.
But now, we don't have to cut off all the electricity.
Just the section of the house we're working on.
That'd be the kitchen, up there, uh Kitchen I shouldn't have labeled those in pencil, should I? They're all faded and everything.
Look it Well, kitchen's K That's kitchen.
There we go.
All right, Hank the Handyman, come on.
Let's go.
We got to take off that access panel All right Whoa, look at all the wires in there.
- Do you know what all those wires do? - Yeah, of course.
I wouldn't have taken it off if I didn't.
Ground, we're looking to ground.
Now, red is all red re Yellow, see The sun is yellow, it heats the ground - that's how they name stuff.
Was that card right? Aah! Whoo! Shake it off.
Ah! Are you all right, Dad? Yeah.
I did that to teach you an important lesson.
What's that, Dad? Well, when you work with electricity, it's a good idea to shut it all off.
Now follow me upstairs.
I'll show you how to treat a severe electrical burn.
(phone ringing) Hello? No, Jill's not here.
I'll take a message, sure.
I'll tell her.
- Mom didn't get the job.
- She didn't? Nope.
Listen, she's gonna really need us now.
When she gets home, she's gonna feel real sad, so why don't you go upstairs and wash up, 'cause she just loves it when you're all clean.
- Hey, Dad! Dad! - Yeah, Randy.
Look at this neat turtle shell.
I found it down at the creek.
You didn't yank the turtle out of there, did you? No.
If I go down to that creek and find some confused turtle - swimming without a shell - Dad! I'm gonna go make it into a drum.
Wilson, that's the best part about being a boy is collecting all that useless junk.
I wouldn't call it useless, Tim.
The ancient Malaysians used the turtle shell as an aphrodisiac.
- Turtle shell? - Mm.
Wouldn't that hurt putting it on? Tim! - Uh, I'm out here, honey.
- Tim! Keep the boys off the phone.
I think I'm gonna hear about that job.
- Honey, actually-- - I am so excited.
Oh, gosh, you wouldn't believe it.
It was the best interview ever.
- Really? Today? - Oh, yeah.
I nailed it.
There is no way on Earth that I am not gonna get this job.
The Earth is such a big place.
No, really.
You should've seen me.
I was so impressive.
I looked this vice president right in the eye and I said - Is that grease on your hand? - No, that's an electrical burn.
Did you touch the dishwasher? Did I touch the dishwasher? - You're a dead man.
- Jill, hold on.
What did you do? Show me what you did.
Boy, are you cute when you're panicked.
That big vein in your forehead just sticks right out.
(gasps) What the hell is that? That is the power source to your new dishwasher.
- Take it out.
No, take it out now.
- No, no.
You don't like the fact that I improved the dishwasher.
Remember the dried yolk that wouldn't come off the plate this morning? Watch this.
- (dishwasher hums) - Hear that hum? That's a Finley two-stage, five-horse Blastmaster compressor.
Air delivery system is 18 cubic feet per minute.
That should say "testosterone" right on there, 'cause that that is a man's dishwasher.
Hey, Mark, you didn't tighten that hex bolt like I asked you to! - Whoa, neat! - (Tim) Stay away from there! I don't want you to get hurt.
There's broken stuff there.
I'm gonna call Tommy.
He's got No, don't use the phone! I'm waiting for a call about my job.
Daddy already got that call.
- Sorry you didn't get the job, Mom.
- Mark.
I didn't get the job? I wanted to wait for the right time to tell you.
And the dishwasher exploded - that wasn't it.
I am really, really sorry.
- You all right? - I'll get the broom.
You don't touch this.
I will clean all this up.
I'll get Hey, look on the bright side, honey.
It wasn't a full load.
I asked you not to touch the dishwasher.
But you didn't listen, did you? That's fine.
I am not gonna get angry.
I mean, it makes more work for me, but I don't mind.
I like to work.
It's just, you know, too bad nobody'll hire me.
- You don't have to feel bad.
- Don't tell me how to feel.
- I'm just saying if it were me - It's not you, Tim.
It's me.
What I mean is you don't have to work.
You don't really want me to work, do you? No, no, no.
- I make enough money for both of us.
- No, this is not about money.
This is about me having a life outside of this house.
My autonomy.
- Your autonomy.
- Yeah.
- How do you spell that? - Don't start.
- Sweetheart, what you gotta do - Oh, this is great.
Now I gotta take advice from a guy who prances around a TV studio, - grunting like a baboon! - What does that have to do with While Miss Binford Tool girl flashes her big headlights.
- Lisa? - No, Al.
What does Lisa have to do with this? She didn't take your job.
She's got a job.
What? What a mess.
- Hiya, Tim.
- Hi, Wilson.
Boy, does that smell good.
Baby-back ribs? No, no, no.
I tell you, Tim, this is what it's all about - catch-of-the-day cooking, sun setting, men standing around the campfire, telling stories.
- You mind if I tell you a story, Wilson? - Campfire's lit, good neighbor.
Jill doesn't get the job she wants.
I tell her not to feel bad.
- She gets angry.
- Mm-hmm-hmm.
All right, so then I tell her what she should do, she jumps all over me and then walks away.
Sounds like you were having an asymmetrical conversation.
How do you spell that? Let's just say one-sided.
You see, Tim, by nature, men are problem solvers, but Jill didn't want you to solve her problem.
- She didn't? - No, no, no.
She just wanted you to listen while she shared her feelings.
Just stand there and listen? Wouldn't that be like not doing anything? Sometimes the best thing you can do, Tim, is nothing.
(grunts) Jill got mad at me because I didn't listen to her.
No, I think she got mad at you 'cause you blew up the damn dishwasher.
People often ask me, they say, "Tim, why is your show so darn popular?" I tell you what I think.
I think that working with your hands puts you in touch with something primitive, almost atavistic.
It's almost like reclaiming the male spirit, if you will.
I think you know where I'm headed with this one.
I'm talking about masculinism - a flat-out, big-pectoral, look-at-my-deltoids, hairy-chested celebration of men.
(grunts) But this wouldn't be anti-female.
No, no, it's wrong to think that.
Just like this sander vibrates in harmony with the grain of the wood.
we men should learn how to vibrate in harmony with our wives.
So, if ya if you have an occasion to have a disagreement with your wife, you should be man enough to not be asymmetrical.
Because that would be one-sided.
But you should be man enough to look at her and say.
"I'm sorry, Jill" Or Betty or Ruth or whatever her name would be.
- Anyway, let's finish sanding that table.
- (sander hums) What you said on the show today was really sweet, Tim.
I don't know if you noticed, but your name is Jill, and I used the name Jill.
Maybe you caught the hidden double meaning.
It was subtle, dear, but I did grasp it.
Am I forgiven? Yeah.
Well, that's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
I'll finish up today with today's household tip.
A very important one, as all of my tips are.
Remember folks, always - and I do mean always - label that fuse box in ink.
(grunts) See ya.
You know, Jill, I still think you're making a big mistake not letting me install that dishwasher.
- I have other plans for you.
- You do? Yeah.
When was the last time that we spent any serious time together in the back seat of a car? When Brad threw up that pizza.
No, no, really.
You apologized to me.
I think I should apologize to you.
- Really? - Yeah, and I really wanna do it right.
- Yeah? - Uh-huh.
Back seat? Garage? Just like our honeymoon? Here, let me get that.
And that.
This Handsaver Lady Soft Touch is one of our most popular models.
Hey, let me in! Hey, lady, there's a crazy man in your backyard.
Wait a minute.
Isn't that the guy with the tool show on TV? Hey! Let me in! Stop waving at me! Her! Get her! What's he doing now? I think he's trying to reclaim his male spirit.

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