Home Improvement s01e11 Episode Script

Look Who's Not Talking

Brad! Come on, let's go! Hurry up! Hey, quiet down.
Your mom's up there trying to write that speech.
She's been working on that speech for two weeks.
When is she gonna finish? Maybe never if she doesn't get some peace and quiet.
- Quiet.
- OK, OK.
Brad! Shh, quiet.
What are you doing? We're going to the park to play Blade Warriors.
Blade Warriors? I don't like the sound of that.
I've got the net.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait here.
- What's the net for? - Nothing.
These are not "nothing" faces.
This would be a "nothing" face.
- Yeah.
- No, no.
Come here, come here.
You guys wouldn't be going to the park and snagging kids in this net, would you? - Good idea, Dad.
- Yeah.
Bad idea.
The net stays here.
Brad, I buy safety equipment, I intend for you to use it, all right? Is that cologne you're wearing? This is the stuff you bought at the car wash.
That's air freshener.
That came with some mud flaps.
You smell like a piña colada.
He's wearing it for Jennifer Sadarski.
- That's it.
- Whoa! Take care of your brother.
Jill, I thought you were working on that library speech.
Well, I came down to get something to eat, and I noticed the refrigerator light was out.
So? So I think it's very important to have a nice, bright refrigerator light.
- Jill, you're procrastinating again.
- I am not procrastinating.
Look at this refrigerator.
It's filthy.
I have to clean this now.
Jill, why did you agree to give this speech? - I want to give this speech.
- Why aren't you working on it? Because I had to replace the refrigerator light.
Jill, this is an honor.
Who was it that raised - more than $4000 for the new - 7000.
$7000 for the new computer system for the library? - I did.
- Who got all the volunteers to collect money, including a hundred bucks out of me? - I did.
- Who's perfect for the speech? Somebody else.
Jill, it's just a two-minute speech.
Yeah, but it's to 250 people.
You're making a lot more out of this than it really is.
That's easy for you to say.
You do this for a living.
It doesn't bother you, you know? You love attention and you have a big mouth.
Look, you don't have to do anything the rest of the day except breathe and write that speech.
I'll keep the boys out of your hair.
I'll handle everything.
Just try to go upstairs and finish the speech.
- Thank you, sweetie.
- Got it.
But first I'm gonna clean the house.
You're not getting off the hook.
Go upstairs, write the speech.
Stop procrastinating.
I will clean this house, top to bottom.
Do you promise that you won't rewire or blow up anything? - Why are you so mean to me? - Do you really think I can do this thing? Yes, of course.
You can do anything you want, Jill.
Nobody thought you could land me as a husband and Well, that's certainly inspirational.
We've cut all our side panels, and I've just finished drilling the holes for our dowel joints.
If I were to put a hinge right here, AI, we'd have a pretty swinging joint.
- Take it, Al.
- I don't think so, Tim.
Anyway, next time, Al and I will show you how to complete the entire bookcase.
And that brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day - housecleaning.
Oh, I can hear the guys out there going, "Uuh?" "Get the wife in here, Tim, so she can hear this.
" No, no, no, men.
Housekeeping, housecleaning, house-taking-care-of is like shop maintenance.
It's for men, too.
Men, it's the 90s.
We should share in the housecleaning responsibilities, right? I didn't hear anything.
You know, I'm judging from the lack of enthusiasm that you men are disinterested, and maybe it's because they do not design housecleaning equipment with men in mind.
- If they did, it would have what? - More power! You're darn right, more power.
And maybe a little style, too.
How can they expect us to clean a house with housecleaning equipment not designed for us? Oh, the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Series in harvest gold.
The vacuum cleaner from hell.
What is this all about? I want a man's vacuum cleaner.
How about an Indianapolis 500 version? All burnished chrome, matte black, analog gauges, turbo boost in there More power to suck the throat out of a parrot.
Maybe I stepped over the line just a little bit just then, but I think you get my point.
There's nothing wrong with a man doing housework.
I mean, AI does a lot of the cleaning around here.
- I do all the cleaning, Tim.
- Yeah, right, Al.
- I could use some help.
- We all could, AI.
I'm Tim Taylor.
I want to give a little tip here.
Half the dirt in the world is men's.
Let's clean it up.
See you next time.
Come on, Dad.
We want to go back to the park.
I told Bob and Stinky that we'd be back.
Well, Bob and Stinky are just gonna have to wait 'cause we're gonna clean this house up for your ma.
We do that to support our woman.
- I don't have a woman.
- Well maybe Stinky could set you up with one.
I have a woman - Mommy.
Your mommy can't be your woman, doofus.
A lot of men pay a psychiatrist a lot of money to figure that one out.
We are gonna clean the house the power way.
Cleaning the house is a girl's job.
Hey, hey, hey.
We are enlightened men, and enlightened men share household responsibilities.
- What's "enlightened"? - It means "scared of Mom.
" Cleaning the house can be a lot of fun.
This is Dodge City at high noon.
It's very dirty in here.
Quick, get to the windows, boys! Cover us! Come on! Hyah, hyah.
All right, holster those weapons.
On three, give me that quick draw.
One, two, three, clean.
Hvah, hyah, hyah, hyah.
What about me, Dad? What do I get to do? You've got the most important job.
You're Sheriff Wyatt Dirt.
You've got to wipe out the Dust Bunny Gang.
- What? - Here, hold that.
All loaded.
Saddle up, boy.
Hvah, hyah! All right! Hi, hon.
You are obviously just playing around.
You're not cleaning the house.
Wait a minute.
I see some outlaw dust villains on the coffee table.
Go at it.
Guys, make sure you get the outside of the doors.
I thought you were upstairs writing that speech.
- Well, may I please get a soda? - Certainly.
- Ooh, yeah.
- What is that smell? Their favorite lunch - beanie-weenie casserole.
Touch of Spam in there, beef jerky, and potato chip dressing on top.
- What do you think? - I'll pass.
- How you doing? - Oh, I'm fine.
Just taking a little break.
- Can I see it? - It's not very good.
- Let me see it.
Maybe I can help.
- I don't feel like it.
You can't make me.
Let me ask you this.
Have you gotten past the point where you say, "Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today"? Can I use that? You haven't written your first line yet? Yes, but yours is better.
What have you been doing up there? I feel self-conscious getting up in front of a group.
- You don't like the way you look? - What's wrong with the way I look? Nothing.
That was just a question.
Why was that the first question you asked? Here's another first question.
Are you so attractive and thin you're afraid to go up? So, what, you're saying I'm fat and ugly? I'm not gonna win at this, am I? It's not looking good.
OK, look.
Give me that first line again.
- "Good afternoon" - "lt's a pleasure to be here today.
" "lt's a pleasure to be here today.
" Wait, I think I've got the last line for you.
"Thank you very much.
It's been a pleasure being here today.
" "Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today.
" No, it's not.
I think I'll just take a nap.
Who is it? - It's me, Mom.
- Oh, come in, Randy.
I just wanted to see how you were doing.
Come give me a hug.
Mmm, I'm much better now.
I've got a great joke for you.
You can use it in your speech, if you want.
Oh, OK.
OK, I got it.
If a snake married an undertaker, what would their towels say? A snake and an undertaker.
I don't know.
What? "Hiss" and "hearse.
" That's good.
That's really good.
Maybe I could work it into my speech.
Randy! What are you doing in here? You're supposed to be helping me finish dusting.
I'm just up here telling Mom a joke.
I'm being a good son.
You're just trying to stay out of work.
- Am not.
- Are tun.
That was pretty good, Mom.
I'm not gonna finish this unless you stop interrupting me.
- I was just trying to help.
- Kissing up, huh? - Am not.
- Are too.
Enough! Enough.
How's your dad doing with all that housecleaning? - OK.
- Yeah, OK.
I don't like the looks of that look.
What's going on? - Uh nothing.
- Dad's not doing anything.
What exactly is Dad not doing? He's not rewiring the vacuum.
- No, Mom - Mom! - Tim! - Finish your speech? - Where is it? - Hmm? Ahh.
You know where it is.
Same place it's always been.
I'm serious.
Where is the vacuum cleaner? Oh, you mean the Daisy Soft Sweep Decor Model in burnt almond? - That's the one.
- I think you're gonna like what we did.
Mark, plug her in.
Well, that doesn't look too bad.
On the outside, it maintains that feminine allure.
On the inside, I've doubled its chromosome count.
- Did you rewire it? - I tweaked it.
Well, it sounds the same.
That's because it's in the "whisper" mode, for light cleaning.
If you want to get the deep-down dirt, we turn to the new "power suck" mode.
I thought you guys were staying at the park.
Jennifer left, so Brad didn't want to stay.
I guess the car air freshener wasn't a big hit, huh? She said I smelled like her dog after he had a shampoo.
Come here.
Come here.
Tell me what happened.
- I think she likes me.
- How do you know? She hit me in the arm, twice.
- Hard? - Yeah! - You're in, dude.
- Dude.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hmm.
- What are you doing? - Just carving out a canoe, Tim.
- Sounds hard.
- Not really, Tim.
You just take a big block of wood and chip away everything that's not a canoe.
Say, Wilson, are you afraid of speaking in public? To be honest with you, Tim, I don't go out in public.
Jill's got to give a speech today and she's really concerned about it.
- Perfectly natural.
- It's not natural.
I like speaking in public.
I talk all the time.
I get in conversations with people I don't know.
- I mean, I'll talk and talk.
Sometimes I - Tim.
- What? - I get the point.
I want to help her.
I wonder what she's so concerned about speaking in public.
She's probably just afraid of appearing foolish in public.
- I believe Samuel Clemens said - Samuel Clemens? You'd know him better as Mark Twain, but that was just a pseudonym, a sobriquet.
Of course - a pseudonym, a sobriquet.
Spell one of those.
Pick one.
Just - Let's just say pen name, Tim.
- OK.
Anyway, he said, "Better to have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
" My, my, my, my.
What do you think about that, Tim? Tim? B-L-A before B-L-U.
Blue, blue Brown.
B-R That's easy.
Brown, brown - Hi.
I made you some tea.
- Hi.
- Oh, thank you.
- How's it going? It's going great.
I'm just working on my speech.
I can see that.
You know, Jill, I think I've got the problem licked.
Best summed up by this wonderful quote - "lt is better not to open your mouth and appear foolish, than to open it and fool them.
" Thank you, honey.
That's a big help.
It's Mark Twain.
Tim, I just don't know anything about giving a speech.
- I don't know what to do with my hands.
- Put them in your pockets.
What if I wear this dress? It doesn't have any pockets.
Hey, nice-lookin'.
Well, put them down at your sides.
But don't itch at yourself like that.
Don't scratch.
- How's this? - You look like a totem pole.
Loosen up.
Come on, loosen up.
Do this.
- Do it.
- I don't think this is gonna help, Tim.
You're right, but it's fun watching you do that.
Tim Don't think of the audience as a group.
When I first did Tool Time, I was petrified, so I tried to visualize it as just one person.
The first time you did Tool Time there was just one person.
That's not my point.
I tried to visualize that person as being in their underwear.
- He was in his underwear.
- He was not.
The speech isn't the problem.
What is going on here? I'm gonna be standing up there in front of 250 people.
That's 500 eyes watching me, Ugh.
That's 1000 organs.
No wonder you're nervous.
You know, I am the only speaker, and by standing up there, it's like I'm saying that I'm the most important person in the room.
- Well, you are.
- Well, I don't feel like it.
It's not like I'm the president of anything.
I don't run a corporation.
I'm not a celebrity.
I'm just your wife, and Brad, Randy and Mark's mother.
You're the chairperson of the most successful money laundering - Fundraising! - Fundraising drives in library history.
You're CEO of this family, you're my career manager, - and you're a life manager.
- Life manager? - You manage to live your life with me.
- I should get an award for that.
You should get an award for the money you made.
Come in.
Here, Mommy.
I made you a milkshake.
Oh, thank you, honey! It looks like - What did you put in that? Peanut butter and jelly.
Go ahead.
Mmm! Mmm! Terrific and thick.
- Have you finished your speech? - Yeah.
- Can I hear it? - She doesn't feel like it right now.
Come on, Mom.
You always make me show you my homework.
Well, you're right, I do.
- OK, OK.
Fair is fair.
- You sure you feel like doing this? Yeah.
I'll just picture you two in your underwear.
No, don't take off your pants.
It's just a technique.
- OK.
Are you ready? - Yep.
"Good afternoon.
It's a pleasure to be here today.
" - I wrote that.
- Very good.
"As you all know, the library is the cornerstone of a good education.
" "Books contain ideas which can shape our planet, and let's face it, right now our planet is badly out of shape.
" "Shape" and "out of shape.
" I love it.
It's good.
Yeah? Well, it's easy in front of you and Mark.
I know you guys.
- Pretend we're the library association.
- No, most of them are women.
OK, we'll be women.
Mark, come over here for a minute.
- What? - Here, these go with your hair.
Oh, and these are me.
- Look at that.
- Tim, what are you doing? We are supporting our woman by being women.
Mark, you don't do this outside the house, OK? Tim, please.
You really don't have to do this.
There's no Tim here anymore.
My name is Ouch! My name is Linda, and this is my good friend, Rose.
- Hi, Mommy.
- Well, hello, Rose.
Hello, Ouch.
Well, please get on with your speech.
We're all aflutter.
"The only way to get our planet back into shape is to exercise our minds.
By upgrading and modernizing our library, we can do that.
" Look how she gets us involved.
I love this.
"Your generous dollars have made that possible, "and I hope that you will continue to give in the future.
" It goes on from there.
Bravo, bravo.
Give her the wave.
Isn't she the most spectacular speaker you've ever seen? It is OK, isn't it? It's marvelous, hon.
It's marvelous.
No, I'm serious.
I mean, it actually makes sense.
- It's terrific.
- Are you just saying that? - No, it's good.
- So it was good, but not terrific? Huh? No that's the same thing, isn't it? No, no, no, no.
"Good" means that it's OK.
"Terrific" means that I'd be a fool not to give this speech.
You would be a fool not to give this speech.
OK, then I'll give it.
Thank you, Linda.
Thank you, Rose.
Rather unprofessional to kiss us like that, wasn't it? Do you suppose that's her real hair color? I don't think so.
Look at the roots.
Ever got some phlegm caught in your throat that you can't get out? You just don't see old women going like this, do you? - I'm here.
- Oh, good.
Tim, we're on in a minute.
Where've you been? I was worried.
We were watching Mommy give her speech.
- She wowed them at the library.
- I did all right.
- How you doin', AI? - Hi, Jill.
You wowed them.
They asked you back for next year.
Oh, God.
I don't want to think about that.
- Hi, Mark.
How are you? - Good.
- Do anything fun this weekend? - Daddy and I dressed up like women.
- Oh, really? - It's not like it sounds, AI.
Daddy had Mommy's hat on and we both wore earrings.
Well, of course.
Earrings would complete the ensemble.
Stand by, here we go, everybody.
It's not like I had a bra on or anything.
Well, maybe next time, Tim.
Does everyone know what time it is? It's Tool Time!
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