Home Improvement s01e16 Episode Script

Jill's Birthday

- Hey, this is great.
- What are you guys doing? Checking to see if these ice skates fit Mark.
- So, if he falls out, they don't fit? - Right.
Put him down.
Put him down.
Randy, come on over here and help me load up some firewood.
Your mom's really cold.
How come Mom's always cold? Guys, I'm gonna tell you something about women.
They're always cold.
It's our job as hot-blooded men to heat the women up.
If men are hot-blooded, are women cold-blooded? Out of the mouths of babes.
Hey, Dad, maybe we should get Mom a heater for her birthday.
- Birthday.
- Dad forgot Mom's birthday.
- Did not.
- Did, too.
Did not.
Are we gonna do something special for her birthday Saturday? Yeah Saturday, yeah.
Oh we'll have a big party.
We'll cater some food, her favorite restaurant, balloons, everything.
- Won't she be disappointed? - Why? Her birthday is Friday.
Oh, honey, this is the season, Jack Frost nipping at my nose.
This is the season for somebody's birthday.
- You remembered.
- Of course I did.
Which one of the boys told you? Come on.
Honey, I'm insulted.
- Really? - Yeah.
You've been so busy at work, I figured you'd for sure forget.
As a matter of fact, I had to remind the boys it wasn't Saturday, it was Friday.
It is Saturday.
- Gotcha.
- What? - It's Friday.
- Oh.
Well, now that we have the day established, let's move on into the gift category.
Oh, honey, you don't have to get me anything.
Let's say I was gonna get you something.
What would you want me to get ya? If I have to tell you what to get, I might as well go out and buy it myself.
Now you're talking.
You put that money back in your pocket, or I'll break both your legs.
Oh, Tim, come on.
We've been married 12 years, and every year I put a lot of thought into your gift.
I tune in to who you are, and I get you something you really want.
- Hey, I do that, too.
- Oh, yeah? This is how you tuned in to me last year.
A pressurized window washer? It shattered a window.
Every piece was clean, though All of them.
- And what about this thing? - You never even used it.
Well, I didn't know what it was.
I was afraid it might eat me.
Honey, honey it's a de-nubber.
It de It de-nubs things.
Forget about this thing.
Tim, a gift doesn't have to be any kind of a big deal.
You know, you should just close your eyes and think of who I am.
- A tape deck.
- Tim.
- A waffle iron.
Ukulele! - Stop it! I want you to get me something thoughtful, just something from your heart.
Arteries! Arteries! We have a special guest for you on Tool Time.
We're in the midst of our project in Keego Harbor Heights.
Next Friday we'll be there.
I've got the gentleman who owns the house, Eugene Ingram.
Let's give him a big Tool Time grunting welcome.
- Hi, Eugene.
How ya doin'? - Oh, just call me Ink.
My friends all call me Ink.
Ink, you live up there in Keego Harbor Heights That's right.
We're-We're a planned community.
Uh, 48 peas in a pod.
Right, and we're gonna make your pod a little more distinctive by pushing out the wall and adding a huge living room - onto an existing porch for you.
- Well, it's really for my wife.
See, she wants a little more space in the living room.
Did she tell you that, or did you guess? Oh, no.
She tells me what she wants.
- Does she? - We call her Pink.
Pink and Ink, see? I've got a picture of Pink standing in front of the house.
- Let's look at that house.
- Actually, it's hard to see the house.
- She's a lot of woman.
- Yeah, a whole lot of woman.
We'll see you there Friday, Ink, get started on your house Hey, AI! Here's something you don't see every day.
Now-Now, this is Pink last summer on the old Slip 'N Slide.
Boy, she went like a rocket.
Now, no one was hurt in this.
Those kids lying there were just stunned.
Maybe we shouldn't have spent all our allowance on these baseball cards.
Hey, we had to get the Tiger infield.
Yeah, but now we're broke.
Where are we gonna get money for Mom's gift? - Play along.
- Yeah.
Hey, Mark.
You know, you're a real smart kid.
- You saved your money.
- Thanks.
Now you have enough to pay your little brother tax.
My What? The younger brother pays the older brother a tax when he's seven.
I'm not paying you anything.
Have it your way, but we just might hide some strange animals in your bed.
- Unless you pay the tax.
- How much is it? - How much you got? - $4.
- Sorry.
It's $5.
- Come on, Randy.
He's our little brother.
Give him a break.
- OK.
- We'll help you empty this thing out.
- Thanks, guys.
- Don't run in the house.
Honey, I said stop running in the house.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Got a list of things for your birthday.
- You haven't gotten me a gift yet? Yeah, sure I have.
I just wanted you to guess which one it is.
Why don't you surprise me? At your age, a surprise could kill you.
Well, let me give you a hint.
Never give a woman anything she has to plug in.
Tim, I want you to be completely honest with me.
Do I look, like, a whole lot older than when you met me? - A whole lot older? - Just answer the question.
Of course you don't look a whole lot older.
You have to admit I'm not that same skinny little peanut you married.
Yeah, I know.
You look better.
That's what I meant.
No, you look a lot better.
You do.
You don't think I'm too fat? No, you look perfect.
Don't lie to me.
You wish that I looked like that for my birthday.
That would be for my birthday.
Come on, honey.
Come on.
Dad, did you get Mom another dorky birthday gift this year? Yeah, should I make room for it in the closet? Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Real funny.
What'd you two brainiacs get her that was so wonderful? Well, Brad and I got her this really neat perfume.
You sure you got enough of it? Oh, Treasure Island perfume.
This came in a gift set, didn't it? Little parrot and a peg leg for her? Ar, matey, at .
Look like a pirate, and I smell like one, too.
I made her a crayon drawing, and I used every color in the box.
That's good, see? It's nice to make stuff for her.
You tuned right in to her, Mark.
I tuned in to her, too.
- I got her a neat gift, too.
- What? Well, do you know how she's been exercising, right? Well, I got her a lifetime membership at that Galaxy Health Spa.
Can't wait to see the look on her face when she opens that.
Shh, shh.
Here she comes.
Sit down.
- Morning.
- Morning.
Happy birthday! - What's the matter? - I am never, ever gonna exercise again.
I was actually thinking of joining a health club.
That'll be a cold day in Detroit.
Mom, open our gifts.
Dad, you want to go first? It's her birthday all day.
Why give her every gift at once? - You didn't get me anything, did you? - Yes, he did.
He got you Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Mom, happy birthday to you AI, what am I gonna do? I have to get Jill a birthday present.
It's gotta come from the heart, I can't plug it in, and I can't rewire it.
What the heck does that leave? Tim, concentrate.
We're going on the air live in a minute.
Now, where's the owner of this place, Mr.
Ingram? I don't know.
He's supposed to meet us here, isn't he? We'll go without him if he's not here.
- OK, here we go.
In five - Think about a gift for me, all right? - Three, two - Gift, gift.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Tim Taylor.
Welcome to this special edition of Tool Time, here at our project house in beautiful Keego Harbor Heights.
- Howdy, AI.
- Howdy, Tim.
- AI, what are we doing today? - Well, Tim, we'll be expanding the Ingrams' living room out here onto the porch.
But first we get to dismantle the existing porch.
We'll be carting the debris away in this The beautiful Tool Time truck, Blood, Sweat, and Gears.
This is not your standard Detroit issue.
We've made a few engine modifications.
Of course, when you say "we," you mean "you.
" That's right, AI, because if I left it up to you, we'd be on a skateboard and a moped.
Ooh! Hear that? That's a Big Block Chevy, nestled on an aluminum high-rise, manifold headers, and dual exhaust.
- Let's back her into position, AI.
- All right.
Uh, we'll be back live right after these messages.
Tim, I'm going back to the truck.
Come on, AI.
I need a second opinion.
Come on.
Well, it's just, I feel a little awkward.
I've never been in the women's department before.
- Hi, Al.
- Why did that woman say "hi" to you? Maybe I remind her of someone.
Remind her of someone named AI, who looks like you, with a hammer in his belt? Hi, Al.
OK, I'm not gonna to lie to you.
Sometimes I come here to try and meet women.
- What? - Hi, AI.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
I wanted to mention there's a sale tomorrow in the full-figured ladies' department.
Maybe you wouldn't be interested in that type.
Well, no, my mother was quite large.
Good luck.
You scare me, AI.
Well, what do you expect me to do? Dating's tough.
I go where the women are Art galleries, Laundromats, immigration.
Don't tell me this stuff, OK? Let's get mov Immigration? Oh Let's try to tune in to my wife, Jill.
Look around.
Do you think she'd like anything in here? Well, if I were Jill, well, I'd like any of these things.
AI, please.
Now, what about these dresses? But I'm a little bit confused.
Six, eight, ten, 12 Does that mean 12 inches? Well, that doesn't sound right.
Let's figure this I've got a 32 waist, right? I wear a size 32 pant.
Jill's smaller than me.
She's gotta be 20.
Well, here.
That would be this.
You look like a hang glider, AI.
Well, a more personal gift would be lingerie.
- Hey bingo! Jill loves lingerie.
- Yeah? How do you know if it's her or anybody? Could you picture her in this? Not now.
Excuse me, are you looking for a gift? I need some help.
What do wives like? I'm not sure.
I'm not married myself.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Is the smell of my perfume bothering you? No, no.
It's a lovely fragrance.
- What is it called? - Available.
Really? We have a full line of men's cologne.
Would you be interested? Yes, I am.
Hey, AI, you're gonna help me.
You know, I haven't seen you here before.
- Al! - This is a temp job.
- Actually, I'm an actress.
- Really? I'm on television.
I have my own show.
OK, boys, I'm going out for some aspirin and some Epsom salts.
When your daddy comes home, tell him I'll be right back.
Mom, since you're going out, why don't you wear some of our Treasure Island perfume? Yeah.
Well, I was saving that for a special occasion.
Well, there's plenty of it here.
You can wear it all the time.
Yeah I could do that, couldn't I? Well go ahead.
OK, I will.
Whoa! That is so unique.
Ohh, it tingles and burns.
Well, you know, that is always a sign of a really good perfume.
Well, I'm glad you like it.
We almost didn't buy it.
We were gonna buy you flowers.
Well, God, guess I really lucked out, you know, 'cause flowers die, and this I'm gonna have forever.
- Wilson.
Wilson! - Hi-dee-ho, neighbor.
Oh, Wilson, great.
You got to help me.
I'm in big, big trouble.
Oh, it's Jill's birthday, right? Yeah, and she wants me to get something that's in tune with her and from the heart, and I don't know what to do, Wilson.
- Tim, I am reminded of a story.
- Wilson, I don't have time for this.
Well, neighbor, what is time but "Tim" with an "e"? Huh? Anyway, there once was this little boy in Africa who wanted to give his teacher a gift, but he had no money.
So, he walked two days to the ocean, and he picked up a handful of sand, and walked two days back, and he gave it to her.
Well, she was greatly moved by the gift, but she said, "lt was so far for you to walk.
" And he said, "Teacher, the journey is part of the gift.
" Yeah, but Wilson, I've been on the journey.
It's the destination.
It's the sand.
I don't know what to get her.
Well, Tim, maybe you're just trying too hard.
She's not being any help.
She's being so sensitive about this.
Well, sometimes birthdays only remind us of how old we are.
Maybe Jill needs to be reminded of all the simple joys she had in getting there.
What kind of gift would do that? Well, I don't know, Tim.
You'll have to listen to that little voice inside you.
It'll tell you what to do.
What's it sound like? It sounds like this.
- Ohh - Shh.
What are you doing? Dad wants to talk to you.
Mark and I were talking in the garage.
Do you guys know anything about a little brother tax? - No.
- No.
Maybe I should tell you about the large angry father tax.
All right, all right.
We'll pay Mark back.
Darn right you'll pay him back.
Next two weeks, your allowance goes to Mark.
Come on, let's go.
I want you to go upstairs and tell your mom to come down here right away.
Mom, Dad wants you! I could have done that.
- What are you up to? - I finished your birthday gift.
Oh, you gave me tools! - No.
Open it up.
- All right.
- This is the gift.
- What? Honey, too often in our lives we look at birthdays as just a signpost of the years we lived, instead of relishing the wonder of the journey to get the sand.
What? Shh, shh.
- Oh, my gosh.
Where did you get that? - Shh.
Oh, that's the first time I ever saw the ocean! And there I am in my princess dress.
Oh, and that's my cat, Samantha.
I called her Sammy.
And Oh, who is that? That's a man you'll meet years later, and marry you, - and he loves you very, very much.
- That is so What is that? I had to record over this gladiator movie.
There's that pause button I slipped off.
Stick him, Demetrius.
Get him! Ohh Oh, honey, this is the best gift I ever got.
I can't believe you did this.
- I love you so much.
- I love you, too.
Ohh! Oh, oh, jeez.
It burns.
Hello? Hi, Ink.
Oh, you heard about it, huh? That truck took off like a rocket just like Pink on the Slip 'N Slide.
We didn't stun any kids, though.
Al and I will be by Monday.
Uh-huh, early.
We'll finish up that living room then.
OK, thanks.
Huh? Ooh! Hear that? That's a Big Block Chevy, nestled on an aluminum high-rise, manifold headers, and dual exhaust.

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