Home Improvement s01e22 Episode Script

Luck Be A Taylor Tonight

You know, all this week, AI and I have done our Tool Time salute to painting.
And I I got to thinking about something a little disjointed.
Women have been telling me that they think men are insensitive.
That we don't listen.
Boy, that really irks me.
How about you, AI? - Well, Tim, I think - Exactly my point, Al.
You know Men are sensitive to other things.
For instance, when a woman sees a hot rod what does she see? A car.
When a man sees a hot rod he sees all the love and care that it took to make the details of the hot rod.
To illustrate my point, I've invited a good friend of mine, Fred Axelby, from Axelby's Street Rods down here on the show.
He's actually the one who motivated me to build my own hot rod.
Let's get him out here.
With a big Tool Time welcome.
Lisa, bring him on out.
A big hand.
- It goes here.
- Thank you, Lisa.
- Fred, Good to have you here.
- Great to be here, Tim.
- Great to be here.
- Good deal.
All right, what are we gonna do on the next show? Well, Tim, first we're going to apply Do you suppose a fender has - I really doubt it, Tim.
- It sounds like a lot of work, though.
Oh, it is, Tim.
But it's worth it if you're a real detail man.
See, it's exactly my point.
Well, there is one detail, Tim.
AI, we don't have any more time for details.
Join me next time when we put this fender back We just put that primer on backstage.
- Was that the detail, AI? - Yes, it was, Tim.
Well, anyway, thanks for being with us.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor hoping all your lacquer finishes are glossy.
See ya next time.
You know, Tim, a little thinner will take that right off.
Good night, Lisa.
Listen, I've got some bad news.
Murray called.
He can't make the poker game tonight.
Oh, no.
We can't play with three men.
Well, maybe we should call it off.
We're not calling it off.
I don't care if I have to drag some idiot off the street.
- Excuse me, Tim.
- Al! - Hey.
- Yeah? Um We need a fourth player for our poker game tonight.
Do you wanna join us? Oh, I haven't played in about 10 years.
Why don't you come over about 7:30 then? - OK.
Who's playing? - Well, it'll be Fred, myself, you, and Charlie, my brother-in-law.
You've met him.
- Just the guys, huh? - You bet.
OK, well, what should I wear? Well, Al, I can't speak for Fred or Charlie, but I'd like to see you in something simple yet revealing.
- You're saying it doesn't matter.
- That's what I'm saying, AI.
- Unless you get an evening dress - I'll see you at 7:30.
OK, buddy.
Ooh, that smells! Do we have to eat it? No, honey.
This isn't food.
I'm gonna give myself a facial before I go to bed.
Will you stir this for me? Hi.
I got everything I need.
Chips, soda, all ready for that poker game.
Whoa! Looks like your mom made some dip.
- Don't eat that! - I know.
It's for company.
Is that your mother's recipe? No.
It's not a dip.
It's an organic face mask.
See, what I do is, I put this in the refrigerator for a little while, and when I put it on my face it makes it all pretty and tight.
It looks just like this.
Hi, everybody.
I'm so beautiful.
Hey, Mom, can Brad and I stay home tonight? No.
It's poker night.
Men only.
No children.
But Dad, Mom and Aunt Robin want to take us to an arts and crafts fair.
That's a good thing to do.
Men's handywork, craftsmen, men, wood - You'll love it.
- Aw, man.
Well, Tim, if the boys don't want to go, maybe we should just all stay home.
No! When your sister gets here, she goes, Charlie stays.
- It's a man's night tonight.
- "Man's night.
" Yeah.
Man's night.
Cigars, smoke, scratching parts of you, burping, body noises without any kind of apology, "Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I fluffed.
" How is that different from any other night? Well, there'll be other men doing it with me.
I'll get it.
Charlie, open your wallet right now, 'cause I got the Hi, Robin.
Where's Charlie? Last time I saw my husband he was on the corner of Fulton and Fourth.
- Why? - He said he'd rather walk then let me drive.
So, I took off without him.
We were supposed to play poker tonight.
Tim, I think she's upset.
How can you think about poker when my marriage is falling apart? Well, I figure if it's falling apart, I better win something from Charlie, before the alimony starts.
Tim, you are an insensitive cretin.
- You're right.
Dip? - Tim! Robin! Robin! - Hey, Charlie.
- Are you nuts? Hey, Tim.
I told you you could drive here.
Why did you leave me there? I didn't like your attitude.
- Charlie, what happened? - I was driving over here, Jill, and she started nagging on me.
"Let me drive.
Let me drive.
" So I pull over, I get out of the car so she could scoot over, - and she took off on me.
- Buddy, a little advice.
When you're arguing in the car, don't get out.
For your information, I wasn't nagging! Oh, what do you call that screaming in my ear for 14 blocks, Rob? - I wasn't screaming in your ear, Charlie.
- Oh, God, it's started.
They'll be at this for hours.
You gotta get your sister out of the house - so we can play cards.
- Tim, she's is my sister.
I gotta help her.
Well, take her to that craft fair.
Knit a rug.
Blow some glass.
I don't care, but get her out of the house.
We'll get them out as soon as they calm down, OK? Dad, Aunt Robin locked herself in our bathroom.
Does this mean we're not gonna to the arts and crafts fair? You're going to the arts and crafts fair as soon as your Aunt Robin is ready to go.
- Robin, give me those keys! - No.
- I want them now.
- OK.
You want your keys? There are your keys.
Aunt Robin, are we still going to the arts and crafts fair? No, honey.
I'm not going anywhere.
- Yeah! We're not going to the art fair! - Oh, great.
I can't believe she threw my keys into the bushes.
That must have been 30 feet.
She always had a real good arm.
Maybe I ought to just find my keys and get out of here.
The guys poker game is the last thing you've got left in your life.
- Don't give up everything to her.
- Well, I've only been married 23 days, and every day it's been the same thing.
Nag, nag, nag.
"Pick up your socks, pick up your underwear, pick up your dishes.
" Charlie, pick up your keys.
Let me tell you something about women.
Women are a product of their mothers.
And their mothers before that, and their mothers before that.
This nagging is a genetic thing.
It goes way back, you know? Maybe to caveman days.
The Serengeti's quiet.
You can hear a pin drop.
But out of a cave hole: "Hey, Grog," "get your hairy butt out of that bed.
" "Did you drag this wildebeest across this floor?" "I've been down on my knuckles and knees all day.
" "L washed your loin cloth this morning.
Use some leaves, will ya?" Why do you think man invented the wheel? So he could leave home now and then.
All right, my deal.
Seven Card Stud.
Everybody antes.
Why do they call it "stud?" Well, I think it's because you're here, AI.
Charlie, you should have seen this '40 Chevy project I was working on.
Oh, that pickup down at your shop.
It's lime green.
Lt's metal flake About a mile deep paint job.
This thing is just unbelievable.
It's got a tunnel rams, dual quads, polished heads, 350 turbo trans, I mean a sweet piece of metal.
Oooh! This is it, right here.
Men talking.
Cigar smoke.
Don't mind me.
I'm just getting a soda.
You're not down here to get a soda.
You're down here Charlie, Charlie, please.
Robin, come on.
This is the third soda in 10 minutes.
Jill and I are thirsty.
Do you have any chips? Yeah.
You want some dip? Chips will be fine.
You know, Charlie, she's gonna keep interrupting the game - if you don't apologize.
- Hey, never apologize.
It's admitting you're wrong.
I have never once apologized to any woman.
Freddie, how many times you been married? - Three.
- Why do you suppose that is? I can't find a woman who understands me.
Let me jump in here, if I could.
Charlie, Jill and I have been married 12 years.
Good marriage for one reason.
Everyday I get up in the morning, look her in the eyes and say, "Jill, I'm sorry.
" For what? Everything.
Just being a man.
Having an Adam's apple.
Just breathing.
That's it.
Why should I apologize? She's the one who drove off and left me in the cold.
It doesn't matter who's at fault here.
If you don't apologize, we're not gonna play cards.
- Robin?! - What? Come on down here.
Charlie wants to say something to ya.
Now, when you apologize to a woman just look at the floor and nod.
All right.
All right.
You know, the apology might be more effective if you really meant it.
Guess which one of us at this table's not married? Boom.
You wanted to say something? I'm sorry.
- Good apology.
- Very good.
- Honey, I shouldn't have driven off.
- Oh, that's OK.
So this means from now on, when I want to drive the car, I can? Hey, I said I was sorry, not stupid.
Oh, no! - Quarter to you.
- Already in.
- All right.
- I fold.
Really? You folded every hand tonight, AI.
I prefer to be cautious.
There's a reason they call it gambling, AI.
- I'll call.
- OK.
Two pair.
Queens and eights.
I haven't had a decent hand all night.
Well, I haven't seen Robin for a while.
Maybe she's OK now.
She's not OK.
Hey, I know I'm a bit of a slob, but she used to think it was cute before we were married.
Now I can't get her off my back.
You want her off your back? Do something unexpected.
Like the laundry, but make sure she knows you're doing it.
"Honey, where's the fabric softener? I'm doing the laundry.
" And then when you start mumbling like, "I can't seem to get the whites" as clean as you get them, hon.
" They love that stuff.
You know, Tim, the trouble with your whites may be you're not pre-soaking.
- Thank you, AI.
- Let's ante up.
You know, I've been married 12 years.
And the reason I have a good marriage is because of one word.
And who does all the compromise in a relationship? Men.
It's ways 60/40.
Now, let's play some cards.
- Three kings.
Is that good? - I fold.
Me too.
L like everything to be 50/50.
I like a he to be a he and she to be a she.
Robbie can I give you just a little piece of advice? - No.
- Well, you're gonna hear it anyway.
Marriage is about one thing: Compromise.
- Guess who gets to do most of that? - We do.
It's 70/30.
Unless you count childbirth, then it's 97/3.
Yeah, I know.
Now, listen, you need to learn to let some things go, because you know you make everything such a big deal.
Just eliminate the things that drive you the craziest.
Well, that would be Charlie.
He is such a slob, Jill.
He leaves his clothes on the floor, his wet towels on the bed.
- I wish he was more like Tim.
- Ha! At least Tim helps you out around the house.
Well, of course he does.
I trained him.
Without me he'd be in the backyard eating out of a trough.
How did you train him? Well, first, I got rid of the trough.
Come on.
What did you do? I just used positive reinforcement.
You remember that puppy that dad brought home? We had so much trouble housebreaking.
- Puddles? - Yeah.
I did the same stuff with Tim that we did with Puddles.
Oh, this is good.
You taught him to roll over and play dead? No, Tim already knew how to do that.
All right.
A quarter to you.
I'm in.
- I'm in.
- Me, too.
Al folds.
I'm in.
Well, you don't say.
Welcome to the game, AI .
It's about damn time.
How much is the most you can raise? Well, there's a $3.
00 limit, Daddy Warbucks.
OK, I raise that.
Well, he must have something good.
I'm out.
I'm out.
He better have something good.
I'm sticking.
What do you have, AI? A flush.
All black cards.
Read 'em and cry.
I hate to burst your bubble, AI, but a flush is all the same suit.
Clubs, diamonds All the same something.
Then I fold.
Ante up.
Let's play.
Jill and I have been talking and I realize your car means a lot to you.
And I think we should discuss it.
- In a minute, Rob.
- No, we need to talk, now.
You wait till I get three aces I fold.
- I fold.
- I fold.
Thanks a lot, Robin.
You blew the whole hand.
Oh, I guess I'm the only one worried about this relationship.
Ah, come on.
I'm not worried about the relationship.
I thought the best thing about being married was knowing we're ways gonna be there to work it out.
- You mean that? - Yes.
You're not mad about the three aces? No! But I'm crazy about the Four Tops.
- I missed you, cupcake.
- I missed you, too, pookie.
All right, now that we got that over with, can we play cards now, Chuck? - Do you want to go home? - Let's go.
- Yes! - Charlie, where you going? - We're playing cards here.
- Bye, Robbie.
- See you next month, Tim.
- Bye, Charlie.
Charlie, we can't play with three guys.
Charlie! - Maybe Jill would like to join us.
- No, she wouldn't.
- Oh, thanks, AI.
I love poker.
- Hey, you can't sit at this table unless you can bench press AI, sit down.
Come on Tim, I can play poker.
What are you doing here? You want Chicago, High-Low, Anaconda What? - What's Anaconda? - It's a snake, AI.
Now, shut up for a minute.
You can't play at this table unless you know the compression ratio of a 327 Chevy engine.
Boy, you are really tough on your wife.
Oh, talk about it Mr.
Three-Alimony-Payment Man.
I'm very good to my wife.
- Then you should let her play.
- Yeah.
That's right.
OK, great.
OK, great.
Let's just lift up the felt, put down some doilies, get the sewing machine out.
This is supposed to be men playing poker tonight.
You can't play poker with three people.
- How about Canasta? - Well, now you're talking.
Aah! Aah! Wilson, can I ask you a question? I believe you just did, Tim.
Heard a lot of noise coming from your house tonight.
Yeah, that's Jill's sister and her husband.
They're ways fighting.
Well, I seem to remember a couple of newlyweds that moved in next door to me that I thought would never stop fighting.
Jill and I.
Boy, is that odd.
We've been married 12 years and I still get so mad at her.
- Angry Just 'cause she's a woman.
- So, what is your question? How do women and men even stay together? It has to do with barbed wire, Tim.
Huh'? As a boy I used to spend summers at my Uncle Leonard's farm.
At the edge of his property he had a huge oak tree.
Running through the middle of that tree was an old barbed wire fence.
- It went right through the tree? - Right through the middle of the tree.
When a tree is planted close to a fence it has nowhere to grow.
As it expands and grows bigger it extends over the fence and slowly envelops the wire.
The two separate entities gradually become one.
Am I the tree or the barbed wire? Well, I don't think you're the tree, Tim.
Ah, the point is, the two were joined without destroying the tree or losing the integrity of the fence.
It's almost as if they belong together.
Like Jill and me.
Well, I don't know, Tim, but it looks like everything in the universe is in harmony tonight.
Not quite yet, Wilson.
- Hi.
- Hi.
I'm sorry your poker night turned out to be a bust.
Well, it certainly wasn't your fault.
And I do apologize for being so rough.
It's just that sometimes I don't know where my fence ends and your tree begins.
Huh? I just wanted one night of playing poker with the guys.
- With the guys? - That was it.
Well, I think that I can give that to you.
Just call me Murray.
So, how about those Pistons? Think they'll win the series? You're pathetic.
- What's the game? - Depends what we're playing.
- High card? - What are the stakes? Winner has to kiss the loser.
Murray! I had no idea.
- I'm in.
- All right.
Come here, Murray.
Give me that cigar.
Before we go, let's take one last look at this fender.
Boy, that hard work paid off, AI.
We applied 120 coats of lacquer.
'- "We", Tim? Well, you did the first coat of lacquer, I did the next 119.
Well, like I said, between us we applied 120 coats.
You know, this fender reminds me of a good marriage.
Stick with me on this one.
All you see on the outside is a shiny lacquer finish.
You don't know about the hard work that went into it.
Like a good marriage.
You see a good marriage on the outside but you don't know about the hard work that went into it.
The enamel finish and the marriage, both need hard work and dedication to make them come out right.
The only difference is, you want your mother-in-law to steer clear of your marriage, but right in front of your fender.
Just kidding, Nana.
Ha-ha! Well, that's it for me, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor
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