Home Improvement s02e01 Episode Script

Read My Hips

Thank you very much and welcome to Tool Time I'm your host, of course, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant Al "I can't find a better job" Borland.
Anyway, all this week Al and I will be doin' our salute to safety, 'cause, after all, Al, a safe workplace is a happy workplace.
Right? I wouldn't know, Tim.
And who better to help us with our salute to safety week, than the boys at K&B Construction Company? Let's get 'em out here with a big round of applause from the Tool Time crowd.
Come on, get 'em out here.
- Welcome aboard, guys.
- Always great to be here, Timmy.
The reason I asked these guys down here is a darn good one.
The guys probably have the toughest job in construction in the state of Michigan - workin' on the high steel.
And these guys have a perfect safety record for the last 195 days.
- Think about that - Timmy.
I'm afraid that record stopped at 194.
Good night, nurse.
What happened? Well, yesterday, somebody had a little accident with a rivet.
Well, you see, Tim, I was so excited about coming back on your show, I let one of those red-hot rivets slip.
Yes, you did.
Hey, look on the bright side.
You didn't burn any hair.
Tim, rivet accidents are no laughing matter.
And neither are you, Al.
Hey, before we get to our safety demonstration, I'd like to get to a letter on a very controversial subject.
By a Charles Eddington, from Grosse Pointe, Michigan.
He writes, "Dear Tim.
" "You've taken this masculinism bit too far.
"All you do is use loud tools, act macho and grunt like an ape.
Your show makes me sick and so do you.
" He continues, "I'd like to see a lot less of that Al guy.
I hate Al.
" - Can I see that, Tim? - We don't have time for that, Al.
You know Maybe Chas is right.
Maybe we should stop this gruntin'.
What do you think? - No.
- Hey, hey, hey.
Folks, what do you think? Stop the gruntin'? No.
Well, Chucky, I tried.
I think it's time to give this letter back to the complaint department.
- Here you go, Tim.
All loaded.
- Thanks, Lisa.
Chucky, this is the complaint department.
Wanna hold that letter up for me? I don't think so, Tim.
I'd like to respond by saying, "Charlie, thanks for sharing your feelings.
" Please feel free to write anytime.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Mom, why are you dropping flowers on the table? They're petals, see? It's romantic.
I'm gonna give your father this surprise dinner tonight and I want everything to be perfect for him.
Then why aren't you eating in front of the TV? Why don't you go get your suitcase? Randy, come on, move it.
Not yet.
I think Brad and Jennifer are gonna kiss.
What? Well, they've been looking at each other like that for an hour.
I have never seen him stare at anything that long.
Maybe I should just glue his history book to her face.
They're coming.
- Bye, Mrs.
- Jennifer.
I didn't know you were still here.
- Will I see you tomorrow? - Yeah, I'll be playing football at the park.
- Maybe I'll come by.
- That'd be great.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Well, Jennifer punched you.
Kathy Kramer said when a girl punches a boy, she wants to get a hot kiss on the lips.
That is not what it means.
Well, Kathy Kramer should know, Mom.
She went to school in France.
You stay away from her.
And Brad, you are way too young to be thinking about kissing.
There's other things that you need to think about first.
Like shaving.
I've shaved.
Not a cat, stupid.
We'll go pack.
You're representing Tool Time here.
You do better when you don't concentrate.
Just don't concentrate.
- That's it.
- Time.
All right, let's see.
Rock, you've got Tim - you've got 15.
- Yes! No! Count 'em again! Still champion.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
The crowd goes wild.
It's gettin' late, guys.
I'm gonna call my wife real quick.
No, wait, Tim.
Am I hearing this right? You have to check in with the little woman? Those pants come in a man's size, Timmy? Hey, back off, fellas.
I'm showing a little consideration.
You got a problem with this? - Hello.
- Hey, butthead.
Excuse me? Honey.
you're not a butthead.
of course I got hit with a peanut Tim, where are you? I'm down at Big Mike's with the guys from K&B.
Well, I thought you said this morning that you were coming right home.
I know I said that But we had a great show so we stopped by for a few beers - Is that all right? - Oh, yeah.
That sounds like fun.
But I want you to know that I'm really looking forward to seeing you.
Same here, you know.
I'll be home real soon.
15 minutes tops.
I'm on my on my way out the door right now.
Set your timer.
I'm just gonna be listening to a little - Billie Holiday.
- Yeah, I'm comin' right home.
- I'll be waiting.
- OK.
bye-bye Bye-bye.
- Hey, guys, I think I gotta get outta here.
- No.
You just got here.
You can't leave.
Your peanut crown's on the line.
You've been challenged in the Peanut Plunge.
- By who? I beat everybody.
- Except me.
- One more.
- Set it up.
Set it up.
Two hours.
"Set the timer.
" Hello.
It's me.
Hey, Jill.
What are you doin' sittin' here in the Uh-oh.
Hey, looks like you planned something special.
- Yeah.
- You put together a little dinner for Uh-huh.
Hey, where are the kids? Your mother came and picked 'em up.
No kids.
Oh, no.
Yeah, so we could have a nice romantic evening alone together, just me and that chicken on your plate.
So you must have had to carry the conversation.
I just wanna know what happened to "15 minutes.
Set the timer.
" Honey, I'm really sorry, but the guys and I got in some real serious discussions about relationship things, you know, men-women stuff.
Sharing feelings.
Pretty heavy stuff.
I spent two days planning this evening.
Do you have any idea how long it's been since we had a quiet, romantic evening together? I was on the phone.
Why didn't you say, "Come home"? - I wanted to surprise you.
- Well, I'm surprised.
Come on, Jill.
Lighten up.
I didn't understand what you meant on the phone.
Well, what did you think I meant when I said all that stuff about how I was looking forward to seeing you and "I'll be waiting"? Like you said it like that - "I'll be waiting.
" Well, I wanted to be more subtle.
What did you want me to say? "The kids are gone, I'm home alone.
Come and take me, big daddy.
" That I understand.
- Good night.
- Come on, Jill.
I don't go out with these guys every night.
What's making you so angry? I am angry because you said you were going to be home in 15 minutes and then you weren't.
Because I'm flirting with you like crazy on the phone and you didn't even notice.
And most of all, because I went to all this trouble for nothing.
I spent the whole evening by myself, and now you're stuck with a plate of cold food.
Don't worry about me, I ate at the bar.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I didn't have dessert.
When a girl punches you do you think she wants to kiss you? If it's an uppercut, no.
If it's a short jab to the shoulder, maybe.
That's what I thought.
Has Jennifer been giving you jabs or uppercuts? Jabs.
- Does that worry you? - Yeah.
Me too.
But when you and Mom kiss, do you ever bump noses? Are you kiddin'? We got the tilt thing down.
When you kiss a woman, you gotta lean to one side, she's gotta go the other side, so you don't mash noses.
Unless you could find a woman whose nose is big enough you could fit right into it.
- Listen - Dad Don't rush into this kissing thing, OK? That's what Mom said.
She said I'm too young.
She's right.
She's really smart.
We didn't start kissing till last week.
- Hey, doof, wanna go play some football? - Don't punch me.
He punched you, gotta kiss him.
Come on.
No way.
Hey, hey.
Leave those eggs alone, please.
That's my breakfast.
Where's Mom? And how come you're eating alone? - No reason.
- You and Mom have a fight? No, we did not have a fight.
- So what did you do wrong, Dad? - I didn't do anything wrong.
Remember that, little mister.
Now go out and play or do something.
Just because he has a fight with Mom, he has to take it out on me.
Tim, about last night Did you make me breakfast? Yeah.
- This is really sweet.
- Well, you're worth it, honey.
I was just I got up this morning and I was thinking: "What could I do for Jill?" And it just came to me - eggs.
- Thank you.
They're delicious.
- Mm.
- Tim, I feel really bad about last night - Hey, Dad.
- Don't interrupt.
- How come Mom gets to eat your eggs? There's no name on these.
- Kids.
- Great.
- Your eggs.
- What's mine is yours, honey.
No, Tim.
What's yours is yours.
You see, that's the difference between us.
I would have made you breakfast because I'm always focused on you.
Are you saying I don't do anything romantic for you? That's not what I'm saying.
In fact, that whole thing last night was your idea.
- That was my idea? - Yeah.
You know the other night, when we were watching that Charles Boyer movie on the late show, and there was that real romantic candlelight dinner scene between Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer? You said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we did that?" I meant talk with accents.
Why don't you just ever tune in to me? What am I supposed to do? Read your mind? At least when I want something, it's pretty clear what it is I want.
Well, that's true, Tim.
Your signals are real clear.
You crush a beer can on your head, that means, "I need another one.
" You belch that's, "I'm done.
" And, "Honey, I took a shower," that's, "Wake up, I'm ready.
" Safety on the job site is a priority.
That's why proper equipment is essential.
Custom-designed hard hat.
And proper safety goggles to protect your eyes from unexpected objects.
Anyway, these goggles are specially coated to reduce glare and prevent scratching.
And they're vented for your added comfort.
And so is Al.
Anyway, the important thing here is safety on the job site.
And safety starts at a little spot right here.
You must have direct and clear communication between your coworkers.
Look out! See? See? Had this been a real emergency, Al would be safe because I gave him a clear and direct signal.
And as Al's coworker, I'm concerned with his safety.
Just as Al is concerned with mine.
Right, Al? What's your point, Tim? Good direct question.
My point is, I don't think women are as clear with their signals as men.
I know they're not.
On a job site, for instance, if a man holds up a stop sign, he means, "Hey, stop there!" If a woman holds up the stop sign If she designed this, it'd say: "If you really knew me, you'd know what you should do right now.
" Come on, come on.
Hurry up.
They're coming.
Boy, Billy really hit you hard on that touchdown.
No big deal.
Is your arm OK? Just tore off a hunk of skin.
It doesn't hurt.
I fell off of my bike once and cut my knee.
It was all green and full of pus.
Ew! Cool.
- You wanna see the scar? - Sure.
Jill? Hey, Jill.
I Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything.
Excuse me a minute, Jennifer.
Brad, where's your mom? - I don't know.
- She went to the store.
Come on down from there, you little monkeys.
Come out here.
- You guys are dead.
- Get out of that tree.
- Come on, Jennifer.
I'll walk you home.
- OK.
- Bye, Mr.
- Bye, Jennifer.
What do you think you're doin' up there? Hope you're satisfied.
You embarrassed your brother on his date.
Yeah, that was the plan.
Bad plan.
Go embarrass somebody else.
It had to be you It had to be you I wandered around, finally found Somebody who Hi-ho, tone-deaf neighbor.
Hey, Wilson.
What are you doing with that feather? Tim, I'm practicing an ancient Japanese technique.
Sumo tickling.
No, no, Tim.
I'm cross-pollinating irises.
You take a feather and move the pollen from the stamen It had to be you to the pistil.
It had to be you - Why do you sing? - Gets 'em in the mood, Tim.
Here's to I'amour There won't be any I'amour at this house tonight.
Tim, I think I hear a problem.
If you got a minute, Wilson, listen.
Jill says she's sending out signals that I'm not picking up.
I say the signals are so subtle no man could pick 'em up.
Well, Tim, I think men are capable of grasping very subtle ideas.
- What are you saying? - Well, maybe not all men.
Tim, you're putting a bored-out small-block You bet I am.
400 crank, 30 to a 383.
That's a very complex piece of machinery.
Yeah, you betcha.
Purrs like a kitten.
Maybe a big cat.
Errr! If something went wrong with that engine, you'd be able to hear it? - Oh, yeah.
- Really? King-king-bing-ding-ding-ding.
Metal-to-metal noises - valve train.
Maybe camshaft, lower end.
Bad news.
Arcing sounds, always electrics, just dead.
You can pick up on that stuff.
That's very, very subtle.
Must be hard to pick up on that? Not if you're tuned in, really paying attention.
It had to be you It seems like it's always me.
Hi, ma'am.
Telephone repairman here to fix the phone.
- Tim, what are you doing? - The name's Fred, ma'am.
- Fred? - Yeah, Fred.
Got a report of some crossed signals at this house.
That the faulty unit over here? Yeah, Fred.
I've been having some trouble getting through to my husband.
I can fix that, ma'am.
Are you here by yourself? Must be hard on a woman as fine-looking as you, big house like this, get a little lonely, huh? Do you like gladiator movies? Tim, I don't think you should do that.
It's not Tim, it's Fred.
There's your problem.
The receiver's just not pickin' up signals.
Well, maybe it's my fault.
Maybe sometimes I don't speak clearly enough.
No, it's not your fault.
Your signals are quite clear.
There's your problem right there, ma'am.
The attentive wire is faulty.
Let's tighten it up, make it - Tim, no, no, no, no, no.
- Fred.
- Fred.
- Just needs a little tweakin'.
Well, Fred.
While you're tweakin', maybe I should get us a glass of wine.
Do you usually talk to repairmen like this? No, it's just something about that name, Fred.
Well, there she is.
Good as new.
Does this mean that my husband will pick up on all my signals now? Loud and clear, babe.
Do you think that he'll pick up on this one? Rotator cuff problem? How about this one? You want me to steal second? - Maybe I'm being too subtle.
- Look out, lady.
You don't wanna pay your bill, do you, lady? You remember the first time you kissed me? Mm-hmm.
It was outside my dorm after Casablanca I thought it was after That Darn Cat.
starring Dean Jones.
I often get those films confused.
I remember, I hesitated.
Then you shut your eyes.
Boy, my heart was going crazy, wasn't it? - Oh, yeah, boom-boom-boom-boom.
- Di-di-di-di-di.
And then we did the tilt thing wrong.
Then we locked.
Mommy and Daddy sittin' in the tree, k- i-s-s-i-n-g.
We're in the tree, stupid! A quality safety hat.
And goggles.
I completely whacked him! And proper equipment is essential.
A safety hat.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode