Home Improvement s02e14 Episode Script

Howard's End

- Quit nagging me about my driving.
- I do not nag.
You drive like a maniac.
You do too nag.
And it's not "maniac," it's pronounced "man-iac.
" - You were going 35 miles an hour.
- Whoa! Since when is 35 going fast? Over speed bumps.
Let me ask you a question.
Did your head hit the roof? - No.
- Then I could have gone faster.
Mark, would you please go and get all that stuff that flew all over the back of the station wagon? OK, Mom.
Well, that's the last time you drive.
I swear, when we went over that bump, I heard something crack.
That was just the sound of the car enjoying itself.
No, that was the sound of you enjoying racing that guy to the parking-lot exit.
You always turn driving into a competition.
- I do not.
- Yes, you do.
Yes, you do.
Remember the other day, that 17-year-old pulled up in that Camaro, and you got that stupid look on your face? Which stupid look? One of your stupider ones.
You know, that one where you curl your lip up like this and you got, like, that cocky head-roll thing.
That's my Elvis.
You can't beat the king, man.
You can't beat the king.
Well, my little hound dog, you drive your car the way you want.
Don't ruin my beautiful station wagon.
- "My station wagon"? - Yes.
That's where we're different.
I think of everything around this house as ours - Well, what about the tools? - They're ours.
I just don't want you touching them.
Dad, there's a big black puddle under Mom's car.
- Oh, no.
- That doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
We could have struck oil.
It's a gusher.
We're rich! Let's take a look.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Hey, Mom.
I'll get it.
- Hi, Mrs.
- Hi, Jennifer.
Come on in.
Brad! Jennifer's here.
This is my goldfish, Howard.
Oh, so this is the Howard Brad is gonna baby-sit.
Hi, Howard.
Did you bring a leash? - Hi, Bradley.
This is Howard.
- Hey, how's it going, Howard? You have to feed him twice a day and keep him in a well-lit area.
No problem.
That's how we take care of Mark.
I'll only be gone for three days, but I'll really miss you.
Aren't you gonna miss me? Uh-huh.
- Well, don't you want to say it? - Uh-uh.
- Hi, Jennifer.
Bye, Jennifer.
- Bye, Mr.
Brad, I'm going back up to our room.
Will you miss me? - No running in the house.
- Hey, listen to her.
Stop that.
- Come on.
Hey! Hey! - Stop it.
Hey, what is all this stuff? I thought that you were just gonna go buy me an oil pan thing.
Why stop there? Mark, show your mother what we got.
New shock absorbers.
Not ordinary shock absorbers.
Binford's best, nitrogen-filled shock absorbers.
They use these in all the off-the-road competitions.
Tim, I don't intend to drive my car off the road.
Well, you can now.
- Do you want to help me put these on? - Sure.
- All right.
- Mark, go change your clothes first.
- I'll meet you under the car in ten minutes.
- OK, Dad.
Do you have any love letters there for me? Nope.
I got one for me.
From Damon's Hardware.
"Dear valued customer.
" That's me.
Valued, beloved, loyal.
Catalog, coupon Smells like a pork sandwich.
Must be from your mom.
- Catalog, bank - Thank you.
Bank Bank? If that's from the bank, why is my name not on there? - It's not for you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey! Hey! It is a federal offense to open somebody else's mail.
I wasn't gonna open it.
"Jill Taylor, this is your new checking-account sta-state " ment.
- You opened your own checking account? Yes, I did.
Do you have a problem with that? No, I don't have a problem with that.
My wife's sneaking behind my back, stockpiling money.
Why did you open your own checking account? Well, you know, I'm working now, and I have a little money, and I just thought this'd be, sort of, like, mine.
I've been working for 15 years, so that means the money in our joint checking account can be, sort of, like, mine! No, no, no.
That will still be ours.
How silly of me! The money I make, we both spend, the money you make, you spend.
- Now you got it.
- I don't like that one bit.
But I can spend it on you.
See? See, back in the old days, when I wanted to buy you a birthday present and I had to write a check for it, I always felt that I was spending your money.
- Yeah.
- But now, I'm spending my own money.
So this isn't really like just a checking account per se, it's more like a Tim Taylor birthday account.
That's a good way for you to look at it.
What are you doing? Remember when Jennifer told me to keep the bowl well lit? I think I moved the bowl a little too close to the desk lamp.
Well, that was smart.
What did you think? He wanted to read in bed? I didn't know the water would get that hot.
Just take him out and see if he flops around.
No way.
The only slimy thing I touch is you.
One, two, three.
He's fried.
Oh, man.
What am I gonna do? Hey, I know.
You can buy her a fish that looks exactly like him.
Yeah, great idea.
Let's go to the pet store.
What are you bringing that for? Well, we need to bring him along to compare.
Well, it's not like he needs the bowl.
Dad, when's the hot rod coming back? Uh, as soon as we get it back from Dave's shop.
He's aligning the front end and trying to fix the rumble seat for me.
- Did you put oil on the gasket there? - Yeah.
All right.
My son's going to be a mechanic.
- No, I'm gonna be a racecar driver.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho! My chest is swelling.
All right, under the car.
Man territory.
The beauty's up top.
This is where the power is, son.
Mom wasn't happy that you did this to her car.
Well, actually, it's our car.
- But Mom drives it.
- Yeah, but I paid for it.
I restored it, so - So it's really yours? - Well, technically, yeah.
- Is that right? - Ow! Ow.
So, technically, this is your car? Technically, I got a mild concussion.
- Mark, I need to talk to your father, so, uh - I know.
I'm gonna go wash my hands.
- OK, but leave this.
- Oh, man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Honey, I think you misheard that.
Maybe I did.
I thought that I just heard my husband say that this is his car because he paid for it.
Well, I know him.
I don't think he would've said that.
I know him better than you do, and I think he did.
Look I think of it as mine not because I paid for it, but because I maintain it.
Well, I maintain the house, so I guess that would make it mine.
Well, it can't be yours.
You didn't pay for it.
So, technically, the house is yours because you paid for it? Technically.
But I don't charge you any rent.
I'm kidding! You've just been lying all these years when you said that everything was ours.
What you really meant was everything was yours, yours, yours.
Jill has nothing.
You have my heart, honey.
In your very angry hand.
Come on, come on.
Jill, don't get all whipped up about this.
You know, Tim, I have always thought of this house as our home.
- It is our home.
- No, it's not.
It's Tim's house.
- This is Tim's table.
This is Tim's couch.
- No, it's not.
- All that stuff over there is Tim's.
- Jill.
Jill! Oh, look! Here's something of mine.
These coasters are mine.
Well, actually, didn't Aunt Helen send them to both of us for our wedding? Well, here's your half.
Good thing she didn't send us bowling balls.
You are such a hypocrite.
Me? I'm not the one sneaking around, opening my own checking account.
Since when is it sneaking around for me to go out in broad daylight and open an account with my money? - "My money.
My money.
My " - Yes.
And I need it, because without it all I've got are three kids and a couple of coasters.
You act like it's my fault I make all the money and pay for everything around here.
Why don't you just take everything around here? Why don't you take my checking account too? Why do I want that? There's no money in it.
Oh! I can't believe it.
Four different pet stores, and we couldn't find one that matched Howard's spot.
How was I supposed to know that there are 20 different types of goldfish? Jennifer's gonna be really mad when she sees Howard floating there, dead.
- What if he's not floating? - What? What if we took a very tiny ball bearing and stuck it in his mouth? He'll sink to the bottom.
She'll think he's alive.
Then she'll take him home and think she killed him.
- Right.
- Cool.
You over there, Wilson? Down here, good neighbor.
Are you making a snow angel? Well, I guess I am, neighbor.
But, actually, I'm preparing for my annual snowshoe expedition through the Upper Peninsula, and I'm just making sure that my long johns stay toasty and dry.
Whoa! Tim, I think I've found a spot that is not quite waterproof.
- Can I ask you a question? - Hop on my sled, neighbor.
- Jill and I got in this bad argument.
- Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm.
She says that I think I own everything in the house.
Well, do you think that, Tim? - No, we own everything together.
- Tim? I- I guess I To be honest, I do kind of feel like I own everything.
Well, Tim, you wouldn't have that problem if you were a Modoc.
A who-doc? Tim, I'm talking about the Modoc Indian tribe in their native tongue.
They have no word for "yours" or "mine," only one word for "ours.
" Each man's material possession belongs to the whole tribe.
Must be difficult when it comes to underwear.
You see, Tim, in the 20th century, our culture tends to measure a man's worth by his possessions.
And I got some cool stuff, too.
That gives you a feeling of power, doesn't it? - Oh, you bet - And control over your life.
Oh, control, ha-ha.
- And control over your mate.
- Yeah Oh, yeah.
I You're saying that I want to own everything so I can control Jill? Well, Tim, if you own everything, you have all the power.
Whoa, Tim! I feel an icy blast moving up my hindquarters.
Best go in and do a little bit of waterproofing.
And now for the point I've really been waiting for - the heavy-duty sanding.
And for heavy-duty sanding we're gonna need a very special tool.
Lisa? - Here you go, Tim.
- What do you got there? Oh, it's a 2100 model electric drum sander.
That's right.
Four-and-a-half horsepower patented stabilizer.
Not to mention full swiveling trailing-wire support.
Almost more than a man can take.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
You might also wanna mention, Tim, that this particular sander weighs over 240 pounds.
Could you help me with the? Put an apron on there, we'll call it "Al's Mom.
" Now, because of the weight and the nature of the wood surface, in our case pine, I would suggest going with the 2400 rpms as opposed to the 28.
Thanks for sharing that, Al.
But I think I'm gonna go with 4200 rpm.
Well, Tim, it doesn't go up to 4200.
Does now, my stout little friend.
I rewired it.
Now, when going with a plank floor like this, you want to go with the grain.
On first glance, this might seem like I screwed up.
But I've actually done this to prove an important point.
That you know absolutely nothing about sanders? No.
That too much power is not always a good thing.
And I know what you're asking.
What kind of power is he talking about? I know I am.
Well, I'm not talking about the kind of power you plug in.
I'm talking about the power of ownership.
Too often in our lives we give too much value to our possessions, - like the sander here.
- Actually, Tim, this sander was a rental.
Whatever, Al.
We can kiss that security deposit goodbye.
I'm glad I put it on your credit card.
- My credit card? - Let it go, Al.
In relationships, you've gotta be equal.
Share things equally, no matter who makes the money.
'Cause Al and I have a good relationship.
We share.
- But I'm no more valuable than Al.
- I agree.
Even though I make a lot more money.
And I get full medical coverage.
- You get full medical? - Sure.
But Al and I have learned how to share.
On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Actually, Tim, there is.
At the end of the job my tools still work.
- Where's Jennifer? - She's not here yet.
Oh, well, I'll bet she's gonna be happy to see Howard.
Howard, did you miss Jennif Brad! - This fish is not alive.
- Yeah, it is.
It's standing up straight.
Fish don't do that.
I trained him.
Good fish.
Keep standing.
Brad, - did you kill Howard? - Yes.
If he's dead, why isn't he floating on the top? - I stuck a ball bearing in his mouth.
- Oh, Brad! Mom, that's Jennifer.
What am I gonna do? Well, you're gonna have to tell her the truth.
Spare her the ball bearing thing.
Oh, man.
- Hi, Jennifer.
Come on in.
- Hi, Jennifer.
Did you have a nice trip? - Very nice, Mrs.
- That's good.
Hi, Bradley.
Thanks for taking care of Howard.
- Oh, he was no trouble.
- He slept most of the time.
I'll see you at school Monday.
Brad? Listen, Jennifer Brad, is there something wrong with Howard? He's kind of dead.
- What happened? Well, let's just say he saw a bright light and went towards it.
Jennifer? Jennifer? Look, Jennifer, it was an accident.
But all Brad worried about was how you'd feel.
Is that true, Bradley? He said he'd feel awful if he made you cry.
Really, Bradley? That's so sweet.
I'm really glad you talked to me about this.
Hey, Jennifer, maybe we can find another fish, just like Howard.
Good luck.
Well, um - Mom, I'm gonna walk Jennifer home.
- Oh, OK.
- Bye-bye, Jennifer.
- Bye, Mrs.
Randy, that was so cool - the way you stood up for your brother.
Well, Mom, I kind of broke his Game Boy, so now he won't beat me up.
- Hey, pistonhead.
- Hey, crankshaft.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How was your day? - Delightful.
- Is that 'cause I wasn't here? - Maybe.
I was talking to Wilson, and I think I know what the trouble is.
We got into an argument because we tried to define our relationship by our possessions.
I agree.
I think we could learn a lot from this tribe called the Mopeds.
- The Mopeds? - Yeah.
It's a tribe that share everything.
Even their underwear.
- Tim, what are you talking about? - Truth is, I I do judge myself on my possessions and what I bring into this house.
But you do so much, how do I put a price tag on that? - Try.
- Aha.
I knew you were gonna say that.
So I figured this out at work today and wrote down what you should've earned, could I have afforded to pay you, for all the 12 and a half years of work you've done around the house.
And, even though I wasn't legally bound to do this, I threw in a bonus for the pain of childbirth.
That'd better be a big bonus.
Honey, I was there.
I know what you went through.
- Oh, you do, do you? - Yes.
It was painful for me too.
- All that screaming hurt my ears.
- Yeah, right.
How much do I get? Listen to this.
580 million dollars and 60 cents.
I rounded it off.
Hand it over.
I'm a little short.
I was kinda hoping I could work some of it off.
How are you gonna do that? By satisfying every one of your needs.
That'll use up about 20 bucks.
Since you are being so generous, perhaps I should have my checks reprinted.
I was stupid.
Have your own checking account.
No, no.
I want to, I want to.
It'll be a joint account, equal, 50-50.
- Equal? You don't have to do this.
- Here.
How would that look? You could've left 'em the way "Mr.
and Mrs.
Jill Taylor.
" - Oh-oh-oh-oh! - Oh-oh-oh-oh! You know, honey, I realized today we need to order new checks for the old account.
I was thinking, maybe we should change the design.
- What's the matter with the old one? - I don't know.
It's just not us.
I was thinking it'd be nice to have, like, a sunset or some daisies, or some frolicking bunnies.
I hope you're kidding.
Do you expect me to go to the hardware store and order a nail gun with bunny checks? Well, what do you want? Something a little more manly.
Armpit hair, marines Kidney stones.
I'm sure I'm gonna go to the grocery store with armpit-hair checks.
What happened to all this compromise? OK, how about this? A bunny passing a kidney stone.
On the job site, there's no difference between Al's tools and my tools.
Actually, Tim, there is.
At the end of the job my tools still work.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night, everybody.

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