Home Improvement s02e18 Episode Script

Bye Bye Birdie

What? What do you want now? Can't you hear those annoying sounds? I told you not to eat that bean dip.
It's that stupid woodpecker again.
Hey! Now he's had it.
What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna get rid of that woodpecker.
- No! Not with my robe.
I'm just gonna shoo him away.
Come on.
Go away.
Darn gutter! What was that? Nothin'.
Well, what do you think? Can we put the kids in the middle? Brad, come on.
The bus'll be here any minute.
Mom, I don't feel too good.
- What's the matter? - I don't know.
I think I have a fever.
You don't feel hot to me.
But here, I'll take your temperature.
- What's the matter with Brad? - He's dumb and he's got a dorky haircut.
Paging Dr.
Rim Shot.
Oh, Dad! My my hair.
Oh, you're fine.
Where's your little slingshot? In the drawer.
Mom took it away from me after I pelted Harold Hanson in the butt.
Here you go, Brad.
Keep it there.
Hey! Hey! Hey! No.
Come on.
You're not gonna use that slingshot on that poor little woodpecker.
I was just gonna use a little pebble, hit him in the head and take away some of his short-term memory.
Mom, can I have some bread to feed my woodpecker? Don't feed the woodpecker.
Don't do that.
But Pete looks hungry.
His name's not Pete.
He doesn't have a name.
It's a woodpecker.
It's a pest.
He's gone.
He's outta here.
Goodbye, Charlie.
- You mean I could call him Charlie? - No! - Don't hurt Pete! - It's Charlie.
It's nobody! Why are you sticking that in Mom's coffee? I need to get a high temperature fast.
I didn't do my math homework.
- So just copy Jennifer's.
- I can't.
I broke up with her.
You broke up with Jennifer? Why? She said I couldn't copy her homework anymore.
Well, for 20 bucks I'll do your math, and you don't have to date me.
Here comes Mom.
Aaargh! - What's wrong? - My tongue hurts.
Oh, God, I hope you don't have strep throat.
I have to go to work today.
I don't know whether to put you to bed or baste you.
- What's goin' on at school? - Nothing.
I love school.
Well, that's good.
Then you won't mind going.
Get going.
Get ready.
Oh, man! - Guess I'd better get my books.
- Not so fast.
- Why doesn't Brad wanna go to school? - Uh 'Cause he and Jennifer broke up.
- They did? Why? What happened? - I don't know.
Well, she must have dumped him, or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Yeah, that's it.
You know how sensitive Brad is.
His little heart is broken.
And his little tongue is burned.
Don't make jokes.
This is a sad thing that's happened to him.
- Hey, Brad, the bus is here! - Mark! Come on.
The bus is here.
Brad! Brad, honey.
Honey, have a good day at school.
- Button your coat up.
Bye-bye! - Bye, guys.
Woodpecker's not building a nest out there.
There's twigs everywhere.
He's building a city.
Skyscrapers, subways, minimarts.
It's Peckerville out there, honey.
Jennifer broke up with Brad.
That's why he didn't wanna go to school - he couldn't face her.
- Isn't that heartbreaking? - Yeah.
I gotta find a better way to get rid of that woodpecker.
You are so callous.
Jill, he's 12.
Girls will come and go in his life, OK? Jennifer's his first love.
It hurts when you lose your first love.
I don't have to worry about that.
I see mine every day.
That is so sweet.
You should meet her sometime.
Come on.
They can hear that all over the neighborhood.
I can't take this.
That bird's mocking me, sittin' up there smilin'.
He's got a beak.
He can't smile.
Your mom's got a beak.
She smiles now and then.
- I think you should call a professional.
- I don't need a professional.
I'll just hook this up to the compressor and vaporize that little bird butt.
- You need professional help.
- I do not need an exterminator.
I meant a psychiatrist.
- Hey, Randy.
I'm in big trouble.
- What's the matter? Well, I flunked another math assignment.
Mom and Dad are gonna kill me.
Maybe not.
Mom thought you were upset this morning because Jennifer dumped you.
But I'm the one who dumped her.
Yeah, well, Mom doesn't know that.
You can milk this thing.
Make her think you're having trouble in math because you're really lovesick.
Hey, that's a great idea.
Hey, guys.
I got a way to get rid of the woodpecker.
I got the old Binford Blastmaster out, right? I'm gonna run 2000 pulsating decibels through that horn.
- That's a great idea.
- Huh? You look like a big geek.
All right.
No, sir.
No, I don't want it killed.
Don't you have any nonviolent exterminators there? Well, then why do you have this ad here with this happy little mouse hitchhiking down the highway? Well, he should have his teeny little head caught in a trap and cheese dribbling out the side of his mouth.
Well Hello? He hung up on me.
That is so rude.
- Hi, Mom.
- Oh.
Hi, honey.
How are you? Not so good.
Jennifer dumped me.
I know.
Randy told me.
I'm sorry, Brad, but I knew Mom would understand.
You must be pretty bummed, huh? Is there anything I can do for you? - Could you get some milk and cookies? - Yeah.
So, Brad you wanna talk about Jennifer? I don't think I can.
I bet seeing her in class makes it hard to think.
Boy, are you right.
I'll get it.
Brad, I know how hard this must be, but you're gonna meet lots of other girls, and I guarantee you you could find somebody a whole lot better than Jennifer! Hi! We were just talking about you.
Do you want some cookies? - No, I just need to talk to Bradley.
- Oh.
That's good.
That's good.
Randy, come and get some milk.
Come on.
- This isn't a good time.
- This won't take long.
Here's your math book.
Good luck finding someone else to do your homework.
Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer.
I'm really sad we're not going out anymore.
Then why did you say you'd only go out with me if I let you copy my homework? Goodbye, Bradley.
Bradley Michael Taylor.
Is that true? Have you been copying her homework? Mom, could we not talk about this now? I'm very sad.
Oh, shut up! This blast is for you, Woody! Tim! Stop it! Hey, hey, hey! I got rid of the woodpecker.
Right now he's checkin' into the Walter Lantz Clinic.
- You know what Brad has been doing? - What? - Copying Jennifer's math homework.
- All right! That's "No!" Well, it's hard.
I can't do it.
I'm just stupid.
The only stupid thing you did was try to cheat.
Getting caught wasn't too bright either.
You can go upstairs now.
Brad, you can't go through life havin' other people do your work for you.
What about Al? He does your work for you.
Don't push me, fella.
We're just really disappointed in you.
We thought that you knew better than that.
Well, it's your fault.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
Couple weeks ago you guys were so excited when I brought home that B.
I felt I had to keep on getting good grades to make you happy.
I was just trying to be a good son.
You are grounded for a week.
Why do I have to learn how to multiply compound fractions? I'm never gonna use them.
- You use 'em every day.
- When? When I go to the grocery store and I buy a pound and a half of cheese.
- Yeah, but you're not multiplying anything.
- Well, you didn't let me finish.
Why don't you finish that? Well, I buy a pound and a half of cheese and then I multiply that by a gallon and a half of milk.
But why would you do that? Because Because I'm making cheese milk.
Now go get your math book.
We are going to teach you how to multiply compound fractions.
Couldn't we just punish him? Send him in his room without his cheese milk? Get over there.
Sit down.
All right, can you get some paper out? And I got pencils.
And open up the book to the chapter on compound fractions.
Ooh! Nice, crisp pages.
Just like new.
OK, look.
Where is it? Here we go.
Here we go.
"Multiply the denominator and the whole number, then add the product to the numerator.
The sum will be the new numerator.
" "Repeat the process with the second compound fraction, then multiply the numerators and the denominators.
" "Convert the product to a compound fraction.
" Go ahead, Brad.
- Go ahead and what? - Well, you should go ahead OK, we're gonna help you with this for the first time.
All right? So, Tim, you do that.
Why not? All right, everybody.
Let's do this first problem.
"Multiply three and five eighths, times six and three nineteenths.
" What?! Well, it said it said, uh "Multiply the denominator.
" And the denominator was what, again? - The bottom number.
- The bottom number.
The bottom number.
Why don't they just call it "the bottom number"? "The denominator" sounds like a Schwarzenegger movie, doesn't it? I'm the Denominator.
I'll give your leg a compound fraction.
Cut it out.
Cut it out.
I'm pretty sure it means that they want us to multiply that number and that one.
The woodpecker's back.
Oh, please.
Will you forget about the woodpecker? - He's gonna wreck the roof.
- We're supposed to be helping Brad here.
All right, all right, all right.
All right.
Eight times three.
Eight times three.
Eight times three is 23.
- Hi-ho, neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
My, my, my.
That's an awfully big water pistol.
Trying to get rid of that woodpecker up there on the roof.
Why don't you try an owl? The owl is the natural enemy of the woodpecker.
That's just what I need up there - an owl.
Then it wouldn't be "tap-tap-tap," it'd be "tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo, tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo, tap-tap-tap, whoo-whoo-whoo.
" Well, it worked for Motown.
Actually, you don't need a real owl.
A wooden owl will do the trick.
I'll try it.
I tried everything else.
I see your son Brad is assiduously poring over his academic tomes.
His what? Oh, yeah, he's studying.
Hey, Wilson, do you know how to multiply compound fractions? 'Course I do, Tim.
I love mathematics.
It's one of the building blocks of thought.
Nothing teaches order and discipline better.
You know what Galileo Galilei said.
Yeah, sure.
1601, Florence.
"Why do both of my names sound the same?" No, he said, "The universe is written in the language of mathematics.
" "Its characters are triangles, circles, other geometric figures.
" "Without mathematics, one wanders about in a dark labyrinth.
" Labyrinth? Let's just say a maze.
I know I am.
- I want Brad to be a good student.
- Mm-hm.
So I told him that multiplying compound fractions is a real important part of that.
But, you know, between you and me, it's kinda useless information.
Well, I don't know about that, Tim.
There was a time when I thought my extensive research into ancient tribal cultures, obscure scientific data, the thoughts of great philosophers, would never come in handy.
Then you moved in.
For the filigree work around the edges, I used the Binford scroll saw.
- Nice job, Al.
- Thank you, Tim.
You can also see how nicely it displays my mother's teacup collection.
And, as a little surprise for you, Al, here's part of your mother's D-cup collection.
Oh! Why don't we tell 'em what we're doin' next.
Uh, OK, well, uh Next, we're going to be demonstrating how to lay a new floor, but first, we need to calculate just how much hardwood we'll be needing.
And for that, we'll be using mathematics.
The language of the universe.
And that's according to Ernest and Julio Galileo.
I bet you didn't know that, did you, Al? - I don't think anyone did, Tim.
- That's right.
Our project floor here is about eight feet by four feet.
To get the square footage, you want to multiply those two numbers.
And, since I walk the mathematical walk and talk the mathematical talk, I know that's 32 square feet.
Actually, Tim, the exact measurements are eight and a half by four and a third.
What are you gettin' at, Al? Well, Tim, since you walk the mathematical walk, you need to multiply those two numbers, o human abacus.
Well, I'd love to, my stout little assistant, but we're outta time.
So we'll just have to round it off to 32 square Whatever, Al.
In order to get a new floor, we gotta lift off the old floor.
That's right.
And for that, we can use a simple, basic, scraper.
But that wouldn't be any fun.
Let's use the Dry Ice method.
You just put Dry Ice down there, it lifts the asphalt tiles right up.
Actually, Tim Uh Using Dry Ice, you'd need an awful lot of Dry Ice for that to work.
For once, Al, you're totally correct.
So what we'll do is, we'll be using the the simple, basic, scraper.
And you can pick this up at just about any hardware store We'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
What are you doing to Mark's toy helicopter? - Mark, what have we added? - More power.
Now it's a heat-seekin', beak-tweakin', shark-faced pecker wrecker.
What about the wooden owl you put up there to scare it away? That little woodpecker did that? That little woodpecker, as you call it, has a pretty bad attitude.
Mark, get the rest of my gear, upstairs on the landing, will you, please? Wow! Darn right wow, huh? - Hey, hey! How'd your test go? - Great.
I got a C.
That's good.
And, you know, the best thing is that you did this all yourself.
Remember, math teaches us discipline and order.
Without math, mankind just walks around in a dark maze with a Labrador.
- Getting a dog? - No.
Am I not being clear here? If you need help with schoolwork, why don't you come to us.
Well, it's OK, 'cause now I know how to multiply compound fractions.
Yeah? How'd he learn how to do compound fractions? - It was easy.
I taught him.
- And who taught you? Seventh-grade math - I just taught myself.
And, Mom, I forgot.
I was talking to Jennifer today.
Jennifer? Keep up, Tim.
They got back together.
What'd she want? Well, she said if you need any more help with compound fractions, call her tonight.
He means, you know, if she needs help.
'Cause after I mastered it, I called her just to check, to see if it was all right, so she started askin' me some questions You're pathetic.
You know that? - Here, Dad.
Here's your stuff.
- All right.
So, do you think this thing is gonna be safe? This is gonna be great.
You guys stay in the safety of the hangar while Captain Bob goes out and takes care of that woodpecker.
I think I should just call the hospital and see if they're serving a soup you like.
Ha-har! There we go.
There we go.
Up, up, up.
Yes! Yes! Oh, tail rotor.
Tail rotor.
Pitch - it's this one.
Tilt the rotor.
Tilt the ro Tilt No.
Where do you think you're going, fella? Yoo-hoo.
Whoo-hoo! Aah! No.
They broke up.
They did? Why? What happened? I don't know.
Well, she must have dumped him or he wouldn't be so depressed.
Yeah, that's it.
You know how sensitive Brad is.
I wasn't supposed to laugh at that.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode