Home Improvement s02e24 Episode Script

Birth Of A Hot Rod

OK, all right, all right.
The moment has arrived.
Here we go.
See if we can start this thing.
All right? Clear? Everybody? Yeah, yeah, yeah! Come on! Come on! Daah.
Listen to that baby purr.
- Dad what did we do wrong? - I don't know.
Could be ignition, could be distributor, could be spark plugs.
Could be you.
Ease up, wing nut.
Clean up some of these tools.
I'm gonna take a break and think about this.
Tim! Come on in.
I can't.
The doorknob's still broken and you didn't fix it.
It's not broken.
Lift it up to the right.
Now, left, left.
Up left.
Pull it a little bit and twist down on it.
You gotta push a little, push a little bit with it.
- You said "pull.
" - It's not brok Well, now you broke it.
You promised me you were gonna fix that thing.
- I got my belt out, I'm half-done.
- That's you, Tim.
You're always half-done.
- We had three kids, didn't we? - We planned on six.
Hey, where are you going with the doorknob? You gotta - Oh.
You want to go outside? Here.
- You are so pathetic.
Look, look.
This is you doing household repairs.
You got a tool belt on, put a little more beef in that grunt.
All right.
Jill asked me to fix that doorknob, but before I do any actual work, I'd better stop and think about it for a couple of hours.
Enough thinking.
Now Gotta run to the hardware store and buy hundreds of dollars' worth of tools I don't need.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There's no such thing as a tool I don't need.
OK, Jill.
I bought my new tools.
I can't believe you bought another tool you don't need.
But, before I work, I gotta clear my head.
Boy, Tim, I don't think I've ever wanted you more.
Well, what do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? - Hey, gimme that! - No! - I want it! - Shut up! Give it back! Hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to work on the engine out here.
What's going on? Dad, tell Mark to keep his grubby hands out of the Cocoa Busters.
Mark! But I want the 3-D baseball cards.
- 3-D? I'll get 'em out of there.
- Dad, they're not in there.
You have to eat eight boxes and send in the proofs-of-purchase.
For a normal family that would pose a problem, but we're Taylors.
Let's pig out.
Open those hoods.
Very classy.
And the good news is, hon, they got 2% of our daily minimum requirement of riboflavin.
Can't get enough of that.
Did you fix this burner over here on the stove yet, honey? - I was just working on the gas line.
- Oh.
Hey, Dad, I just hooked up the gas line to the hot rod.
- The hot rod? - Yeah.
Get your brothers, get upstairs, get ready for school.
Tim! - I just haven't finished it yet.
- You haven't started.
What about the ice dispenser? - It's fine.
- Yeah.
It doesn't make ice, doesn't dispense.
You're not doing it right.
You ease it in there.
Two little taps here.
I see.
So, to fill the glass, I just have to do that, like, what, 60 or 70 times? There's a little sprocket missing.
I'll get it at the hardware store this afternoon.
After I finish the motor.
- Tim, you know what your problem is? - I think it's ignition.
Your problem is if a job isn't fun, or you can't power it up, you're not interested in doing it.
Honey, I've been trying to get this thing going for 18 months.
I know, you've been spending every spare moment.
I think the time is near.
This beast is ready to roar.
So is this one.
I tell you what.
I am going to fix the stove and I will fix the ice dispenser.
- You are so cute.
- What? You don't think I can do it? No, I have a lot of faith.
Lot of faith in a woman who uses tool terms like "whatchamacallit," "thingamajig" and my personal favorite, "doohickey.
" OK.
I tell you what.
You don't want me to do the jobs? When are you going to fix the ice dispenser? Soon.
- When are you gonna fix the burner? - Soon.
- When, Tim? When? - Soon, Jill, soon.
So, what? You're just gonna wait until the burner backs up and the whole house explodes? We've survived explosions before, huh? Hi, welcome to Tool Time Boy, this is one of our favorite weeks of the year.
Right, Al? That's right, Tim.
It's our annual Lawn Care Week, right here on Tool Time And, you know, you're judged by the lawn you keep.
Guys, we want people driving by our house and going: "Hey.
There's a nice lawn.
A real man lives there.
" But the women don't seem to care.
They just drop their ThighMasters and go: "Hey, get out there and cut the grass, will ya?" 'Cause women don't understand.
We do not "cut the grass.
" We mow the lawn.
We feed it, we pamper it, we nurture it.
We caress it.
It's a piece of sod.
You're not on shore leave, fella.
Well, as you can see, we have several types of grass here for you to consider.
- Bermuda.
- Beautiful for shade.
- Kentucky bluegrass.
- Thick and robust.
And regular fescue.
Do you suppose if this grass had an emergency, it'd call "Fescue, 911?" My guess would be "no.
" Why don't we tell the folks what we have coming up on Lawn Care Week.
Well, Tim, tomorrow, we'll be doing our salute to clippers.
On Wednesday, we'll be doing our salute to sprinklers.
But today, we're doing our salute to fertilizer.
We salute cow dung today, because it's a major component in all fertilizers.
And cow dung helps keep your lawn healthy and vibrant.
- Al? Take over, I'll be right back.
- Uh, that's right, folks.
So, as you can see, we have many different types of fertilizer for you and I'm sure your local nursery will be able to help you choose the fertilizer for your particular needs.
Or you can cut out the middleman, Al, and go right to the source.
"Open and close the shutter by twisting the air shutter screw.
" Well, how am I supposed to open and shut it if I don't know what it is? This can't be the air shutter thing here because there's no screw in it.
I'm home, guys.
Think I got the right parts for the rod.
What are you doing? I got tired of nagging you to fix it so I'm gonna fix it myself.
Honey, you don't know what you're doing.
You're making a mess.
- You're gonna wreck this thing.
- Nag, nag, nag.
Dad, you stink.
Light a match, huh? It's not me, wise guy, we did a little salute to fertilizer on Tool Time I got to ride a cow.
Why? Was the pig in the shop? Maybe it was in for its 20,000-oink checkup.
Or it was having its porking brake fixed.
Is there a two-drink minimum in here? Honey, go on upstairs and wash up, 'cause at 6:00 on TV they're showing Porky and Bess - Thanks.
- Later.
What is this? I made a tool belt.
No, no, no.
A man's tools do not sit next to frills and flowers.
- Do you see any frills on this apron? - What is that? - A flower.
- Great.
Can I borrow that? I'd like to take that down to a construction site.
"Hey, Tim, I love the frills and flowers on that belt.
" "You know, those tulips really bring out the blue in your eyes.
" This would have been a real simple project, now you screwed up, it'll take me three times as long.
Cry me a river! If you'd fixed this in the first place, we wouldn't have this problem, would we? So, it's my fault that you screwed it up? Hey, this is no more screwed up than it was before you didn't fix it.
I really want to argue with that, but I have no idea what you just said to me.
- I'm gonna just call a repairman.
- Don't call a repairman.
I'll fix it.
- I am calling a repairman.
- Jill I'm going to request a big tall hunk with tight jeans and the sleeves torn off his T-shirt.
Don't bother.
After dinner, I'll get all buffed up, put on my tool belt, rip off my sleeves and you and I can play "Buck and Betsy fix the stove.
" So, are Buck and Betsy gonna fix the ice dispenser too? There's nothing wrong with the ice dispenser.
Set the glass, ease it in.
Hit it.
How's it going, Gus? Just fine.
I'll be done with the stove in a jiffy.
Then I'll get the ice dispenser.
Ice! I'll have ice.
Little frozen cubes of water.
- I've waited so long.
Thank you, Gus.
- My pleasure.
I could clean out these ignition holes in the burner if you have a pipe cleaner.
Yeah, I got some in the garage.
I'll be right back.
- Honey, I'm home.
- Hi! - So, how was your day? - Fine, thanks for asking.
Jill, the mustache is different.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
You're even funny without Al.
I see you met Gus.
Here you go.
Gus is almost finished repairing the stove.
You hired a repairman.
I did.
I hope my work gets the Tim Taylor seal of approval.
Well, let's see what you did.
I adjusted the screws on the gas line, checked the electronic ignition switch and replaced the burner manifold assembly.
Yeah, just what I woulda done.
Wait till all the guys down at the shop hear that Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor needed me to do his household repairs.
You don't really need to spread that around.
Are you kidding? I'm gonna tell everyone I know.
Jill, can I speak to you in the garage just for a moment? Excuse us, Gus.
Excuse us.
How'd you find him? How do you know what kind of quality work he does? What do you know about the guy? That's why I called Al.
He recommended him very highly.
What? You told Al I needed a repairman in my own home? Well, he didn't laugh that long.
He's gonna blab it all over Tool Time What am I supposed to say to my die-hard fans? Put them both in the front seat of the car and tell them the truth.
Taylor, I've g Whoa.
- Are you building this? - Yeah.
Come on, Gus.
Let's go back and get this ice dispenser done now.
Yeah, in a minute, Mrs.
- Are those Harley carbs? - Yeah.
You into rods? - I'm building a Vicky in my backyard.
- No kidding.
Yeah, this is a Chevy 350.
I bored it out to 383.
I got a 400 crank in there.
Isn't that fascinating? Come on, Gus.
Let's go get to work on that freezer now, all right? Yeah, in a minute.
You must be close to getting this started, huh? Actually, I did.
I gapped my plugs different than I was supposed to and I put a new curb on the distributor, but I can't get it turned over right.
- I can't get it turned over right.
- Let me hear it.
Let me hear.
- Really? - Yeah.
You might have your ignition switch wires on backwards.
Wh Yeah.
Never thought of that.
Maybe I do.
- Well, here, I'll give you a hand.
- All right! Gus, Gus, Gus! Gus! No, don't worry, Mrs.
I'm taking you off the clock.
There you go, hon.
- How long you had that Vicky? - Two years.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Hi-ho, Tim.
You know, I just saw a repair truck pull away.
You got problems? No.
Jill called a repairman to fix the stove and the ice dispenser.
Hey, I could've fixed both of them, but I just found out about the ice dispenser.
I thought you had mentioned that faulty ice dispenser to me three weeks ago.
Gee whiz, Wilson, you don't have to jump all over me.
Well, I'm sorry, Tim.
The repairman didn't even fix the stove.
I got him kind of sidetracked on the hot rod.
Lot of good that did.
I still can't start the thing.
- Jill said I was being irresponsible.
- I see.
I'm not irresponsible.
I do a lot of chores around here.
I help raise the kids.
I even cook dinner sometimes.
- You know, I never get credit for that stuff.
- Why should you? Argh! All that stuff you're supposed to do anyway.
Don't sneak up on me, please.
Wilson, I've been trying to get him to fix that stove for three and a half weeks.
That's why I called the repairman.
I was gonna do it, you just didn't give me the time.
Tim, you don't want me to nag you about doing the jobs, you don't want to do the jobs, you don't want me to call a repairman.
What am I supposed to do? Wilson, jump in any time.
I'm here for you, Tim.
But this time you haven't got a leg to stand on.
What is this? Gang up on Tim day? What is it with men, Wilson? You know, they'll spend hours on an engine, putting up a satellite dish, but they won't take five minutes and fix a simple little doorknob.
Well, Jill, I find your question astute and sagacious.
Give it to her, Wilson.
That's a compliment, Tim.
See, Jill, historically, men have been drawn to the jobs that bring them attention and glory, like discovering new lands or winning wars.
Women, however, have been expected to work quietly and steadily to maintain the home.
But that's a long time ago, Wilson.
I mean, times are changing.
Women are working, men are staying at home, both are working.
Roles are reversing.
Trenchant and perspicacious.
Now, that can't possibly be a compliment.
- I'm afraid so, Tim.
- Oh, you did it to me again.
Thank you, Wilson.
A wise man once said, "Every job has one thing in common - it has to be done and it has to be done well.
" - Well, that's kinda nice.
- Who said that? You did.
I used to be a pretty smart fella.
Well, it took a while, but these babies are sharp.
Why, you could cut a lamb so close, it'd have to join the Hair Club for Sheep.
"I'm not just a sheep, I'm also the president.
" I don't know, Tim.
That was pretty baa-d.
Actually though, when you do sharpen these at home, it gives you a great deal of satisfaction, but it also takes an awful lot of hard work.
That's true.
Which brings us to the Tool Time tip of the day.
Every job has one thing in common.
It must be done, and it must be done well.
- You know who said that, don't you? - Yes, I do.
I told you that last year.
- You did not.
- Yes, I did.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes, I did.
- Did not.
- Did too.
- Not.
- Did.
Remember, a real man finishes any job he starts.
Even if it may be tedious or have no glory.
Right, Al? That's true, Tim.
Took me almost a half hour to sharpen these so you could come out, file them for ten seconds and take the credit.
We have a very special guest here on Tool Time And I expect a very big Tool Time welcome for hedge-clipping specialist Jim Lester.
Let's give it up.
- Good to have you here, Jim.
- Good to be here, Tim.
- Al.
- Jim.
Thank you, Lisa.
You're welcome, Tim.
Anyway, Jim's gonna share some trade secrets of hedge clipping.
- Right, Jim? - That's right, Tim.
Now, I always use a string as a guide to give the hedge a nice straight line.
That's good advice.
Good advice.
And for that particular job, Jim would be using the Binford SHD 6500 hedge clippers.
That's super-heavy-duty.
You know, there's a lot of creative ways to trim your hedges.
And Jim has been nice enough to bring out some examples of his very nice work.
Now, Tim, these are called topiaries.
Each one takes hundreds of man-hours to shape and cultivate, and up to five years to grow.
Five years? I guess that's why they say: It's a long way to Topiary It's a long way to go, go, go I understand that you Wh? Excuse me.
I must be allergic to something in here.
Thanks, Al.
So, I understand you do a lot of this trimming by hand.
- Yes, I do.
And with pruning shears.
- Want me to trim a little bit for you? You'd better not.
It takes a lot of experience.
But I'll demonstrate some shaping on the elephant with my pruning shears.
And - There you have it.
- Hey.
Very very interesting, Jim, and I really appreciate you being here.
And we'll be right back after these messages from Binford Tools.
How you doing, hon? What we have here is a Binford series Z, dual spring action, circulating, rotating doorknob.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! This bad boy can turn to the left, turn to the right and open without falling off.
- Good job.
Good job.
- Nice going, Mom.
- Thank you, I did it all myself.
- She did it pretty well, Dad.
She did.
Maintaining a home is teamwork.
I help your mom, she helps me.
That's how we get the chores done.
Did you get the ice dispenser fixed? I not only fixed it, I made an improvement.
Boys, stand back.
Tim, this is my vacuum cleaner hose.
Not right now.
I cleaned it out and now it's Tim Taylor's party tube.
Puffy, Muffy.
Can I freshen that drink? And maybe my young son wants to get a drink at the couch.
Go long, Brad.
Yes! Brad and I regapped the plugs, fixed the ignition.
I'm ready to start the engine.
What's the matter, honey? Aren't you gonna start it? - I got goose bumps.
- You want me to start it? No, no, no.
I just want to savor the moment.
You know, this idea started in my head, and piece by piece, the parts started to roll in.
For the engine or your head? No, no, no.
Carburetors, from Cleveland.
Fuel pump, Tulsa.
Distributor, Akron.
- Crankshaft, somewhere in - Tim.
Start the car.
So much for savoring the moment with my loved ones.
It's time to bring the sleeping beast to life.
- Yeah! - Yes! Yeah! - Hi, I'm Gus.
- Hey, Gus.
Tim Taylor.
- Can I get you anything? - You got a cold beer? Cold ones are way in the back.
It'll take me a minute.
He's - He's getting a beer? - He's getting me a beer.
He always takes a really long time to do this.
- Here you go.
- Thank you very much.
- And here's the pipe cleaners.
- Yeah.
- How long has that Jell-O been in there? - A long time.

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