Home Improvement s03e12 Episode Script

'Twas the Blight Before Christmas

Welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant - Al "Thinks He's Getting A Christmas Bonus" Borland.
Well, as you all can see, it's yule time on Tool Time.
Before we get into our project today, we have a special feature for you.
That's right, Tim.
Binford stocking stuffers.
There's nothing that says "Peace on Earth" better than a Binford power tool.
(grunts) Yeah.
Doesn't Al just jingle your bell sometimes? Heidi, the stocking stuffers, please.
( "Deck the Halls") Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
Now, stocking stuffers usually (music continues) generally have Klaus! Whoo-hoo! (music stops) Thank you.
Stocking stuffers sometimes are difficult to pick out for men.
But Binford has made it easy this year with stuff like this.
The new Binford mini propane torch.
Huh? Stand back.
Stand back.
It's small, but portable enough you can fit it in a pocket.
Whoa! Wouldn't put it in there, though.
You can remove facial hair with it.
You can do a little soldering on the house, melt glass tubing, or if your wife's out, melt her earrings down and make handy fishing lures out of them.
Also, we have the Binford 6100 digital torque wrench.
It'll be the torque of the town this Christmas.
That's right.
They'll also be torquing about the new Binford fiberoptic flexible flashlight.
As odd as it seems, this is actually a great gift for guys.
This thing can find auto parts strewn around the garage, look in dirty pipes or any dark, dusty area you have.
In one ear, out the other.
Just like your job, Al.
In one day, out the other.
Now, finally, for the man without a vice, a vise.
(whistles) The Binford Bench Buddy 2000.
It's got a swiveling base, serrated steel jaws and a clamping capacity of seven and one-half inches.
(to "Jingle Bells") Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho Actually, Tim, the Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho Ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho-ho, ho-ho-ho The bench vise is too big to be a stocking stuffer.
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho, are you ever right.
If you want to stuff that into a stocking, you need a special stocking, like this one.
Like one of Al's mom's thermal hunting socks.
Don't let her in here.
(thundering footsteps) It's your mom, Al.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? (Jill) You are gonna be the cutest little choirboy in the whole service.
You don't think I look geeky? No.
You look Christmassy.
If this were Veterans Day, you'd look geeky.
Jill, you won't believe what Doc Johnson's doing.
Oh, hi, Mark.
Nice robe.
What's the "N" mean? "Naked under this robe and no one can tell.
" Hey, show a little respect.
You're talking to the "N" in "Noel.
" I still think I look geeky.
You look very handsome.
Now, let's get this thing off before your brothers come home and see you.
There we go.
Jill, What would you say if I told you that Doc Johnson has dancing elves up on his roof? I'd say he'd better get those elf traps out right away.
I'm talking about the neighborhood decorating contest.
I hate to say it, but I think I might lose.
You've lost nine years in a row.
I'd think you'd be used to it by now.
This year, I had a really good feeling about winning.
It's odd.
Every decoration I put up, Doc Johnson's put up before me.
Ah, it's just a coincidence.
Coincidence? I went to put a plastic Santa up there today (laughs) and guess what old Doc Johnson's got up on his roof.
Chimney? A plastic Santa.
Gosh, I wonder what made him think of using a Santa Claus as a decoration at Christmas.
(groans) I'll tell you what else he's got up there.
My seven swans a-swimming and my six geese a-laying.
And a tool man in a nut tree Hey, Brad.
Guys, guess what.
Tom Wheeler's family invited me to go skiing at Boyd Mountain.
All right! Boyd Mountain! I love it up there.
Tobogganing, skiing, fractures, sprains, broken bones, laying at the bottom of the hill in a stretcher Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
When are you going? That's kinda what I need to talk to you about.
Well, it better not be this weekend.
We're running a Tool Time marathon.
of Tim and Al high jinks.
It's also Christmas.
It's also Christmas.
Well, it is this weekend.
Brad! But, Mom, it's perfect.
I don't have school, and I can take your presents with me and open them there.
Do you feel the love in this room? Do you? Brad, the family is always together at Christmas.
We open our stockings together, we talk to the relatives on the phone You have your new saxophone.
You could play along while we sing carols.
And I'm gonna make Nana's special oyster pecan stuffing.
Ugh! Do you suppose there's room for one more skier in that car? Mark is singing in the choir.
Come on.
The Wheelers will ask you to go skiing some other time.
But, Mom, I don't wanna go another time.
It's gonna be great skiing conditions.
A lot of kids from school are gonna be there.
Honey, I can tell this is important to you, but this family is always together at Christmas.
Even when your father fell down the chimney, we were together.
We were in the emergency room, but we were together.
So you're saying I can't go? No way.
Dad! No, no, no, no.
Come on, it's Christmas.
A special time.
Your mom's right.
It's not gonna be a special time for me.
So much for a merry Christmas.
(Tim) Jingle bells, shotgun shells Granny's on the run Oh, what fun Hi-dee-ho-ho-ho-ho, good neighbor.
And a merry Christmas to you, too, Wilson.
Well, Tim, I see the holidays find you among friends.
This is for the roof display.
These are the three wise tool guys.
They come from so far, yet seem strangely familiar.
Yes, don't they? Mm-hmm.
Halloween's over.
You can put away the witch's broom.
Tim, this is not a witch's broom.
This is a julenek.
A what-a-nek? A julenek.
It's a Scandinavian Christmas tradition.
Families bind sheaves of grain to a long spruce pole, and that provides nourishment for the sparrows in the winter.
I wish I could bind up Doc Johnson and twist his little julenek.
Tim, that's hardly the Christmas spirit.
I know.
I really thought I could beat him this year at the Christmas display, but he's always seems to be one step ahead of me.
You know, so I see.
He just put three wise men up on his roof, too.
What? Where? Over there.
How does that guy keep beating me to the punch? Well, maybe the good doctor's got ESP.
Now, what does having a cable sports channel have to do with this? No, I'm talking about extrasensory perception.
The ability to read someone else's mind.
Really? Mm-hmm.
Maybe he should try reading this.
( saxophone played badly) Lemme guess.
Brad's practicing on the saxophone, or there's an elephant giving birth upstairs.
Brad's so depressed about not going on the skiing trip, he's trying to play the blues.
I should be playing the blues.
Hey, Randy.
I went to put the three wise tool guys up on the roof, and guess who's already got 'em up.
Doc Johnson.
I swear to God he's got this house bugged.
Excuse me? How else is he getting this information? Wait a minute.
You might be right.
What's up, Doc? No, not tonight.
You-know-who's gonna be here.
Do you actually think that's funny? Yes.
Honey, he's stealing all my lighting ideas.
Tim, you really think Doc Johnson has nothing better to do than spy on you? He's a retired proctologist.
Spying on us is a lot more fun than what he used to do.
What is that? It's Rudolf's nose.
I don't even wanna see the rest of him.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is it? I think I know where Doc Johnson's been getting his information.
Me too.
I think it's your mom.
She's a double agent.
He's been getting his information from me.
Wait a minute.
Say that again.
Well, you see, I was talking to Doc Johnson's granddaughter, Lauren, and I kind of mentioned a few things.
I can't believe you'd do that.
You know there's no secret more important than a family's lighting strategy.
She's really cute.
She kept pumping me for information.
No matter how hard I tried to resist, I couldn't.
Been there.
She smile at you like this? If she'd smiled at me like that, I would've thrown up.
( grunts "Jingle Bells") Hey, boys! Come on, we're gonna be late.
Brad, you're not dressed for church! I know.
I'm not going.
If he's not going, I'm not going.
And if they're not, I'm not.
You are all going.
You two, you go out and wait in the car, all right? Brad, what do you mean you're not going? Well, if I can't go skiing, I don't see why I have to go to church.
Because God said, "Come and worship," not, "Go and slalom.
" Honey, you can't stay home.
Mark's gonna sing tonight.
So? So get up and get dressed for church.
Be down in five minutes.
Because Mom wants the whole stupid family to be together? If that's your attitude, stay home.
Don't let him off that easy.
If he's gonna be obnoxious, I'd just as soon he didn't ruin Christmas Eve for us.
You've already ruined it for me.
Well, I am so sorry.
Stay in your room.
No sneaking downstairs to watch that Tool Time marathon.
( organist plays "The First Noel") Oh, the Taylors! Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
You look wonderful.
Merry Christmas.
Thank you, Tim.
Same to you.
Tim, I've never seen you at church without your earplug.
No football game on tonight? That was one Sunday, all right, Reverend.
I-I-I pray during halftime.
Yeah, I remember that prayer.
"O heavenly Father, please let the Lions kick butt.
" Mark, maybe you should change into your robe.
Do I have to? I look like a geek.
Oh, honey, you look great.
For a geek.
(Tim) Randy.
(Jill) No, no, no, no, no.
Reverend, the lights look a little dim on the tree.
I could boost the power, get some lights for the service.
No, thank you, Tim.
I don't think tonight is the night to test our new sprinkler system.
Where's Brad this evening? Oh, boy He's not feeling well.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Well, maybe we'll see all the Taylors together next Christmas.
"Not feeling well"? You lied in church on Christmas Eve? Watch out for lightning bolts.
God doesn't like that stuff.
At least I'm not begging the Almighty for two touchdowns and a field goal.
Merry Christmas.
Hi, Al.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Here, scooch over.
Don't crowd.
I'll take a pew behind you.
Most people use the bathroom, Al.
Where's Ilene? She had an orthodontic emergency at the junior-high Christmas play.
Joseph and Mary got their braces stuck together.
I hope she gets here in time to see Mark.
I just saw him down the hall in his his little robe.
Boy, you know, I always wanted to be the letter "N.
" That's impossible, Al.
The song specifically says "no Al.
" No Al, no Al No Al, no Shh.
Al Well, where's Bradley? He's spending Christmas Eve alone in his room sulking.
It's his way of rebelling.
Oh, yeah, well I remember my first Christmas rebellion.
I was so mad.
My parents went out and bought an artificial tree.
The whole Christmas I refused to sing "O Tannenbaum.
" Oh, my.
You were a bad, bad Borland.
You all right? Yeah, I'm OK.
It was a long time ago.
I mean, are you OK? No.
Mark's singing.
It's Christmas.
I want the whole family to be together.
Why'd you make Brad stay home? I'd have loved to drag him here against his will.
That's a great vision for Christmas - the four of us singing hymns, you with Brad in a headlock.
It just doesn't seem like Christmas without us all being together.
Excuse me.
Where are you going? Off to the little boys' room to take a pew.
Jeez, Dad, what are you doing here? I came home to get you.
My question is, what are you doing with the skis? Uh, I I was gonna donate 'em to the needy.
Yeah, that's just what they need down there at the mission.
Food and skis.
Look, Dad, I explained it all in the note.
Well, it better be a good one.
"Went skiing.
" Your mom and I specifically said you don't go skiing, and you were gonna disobey us.
I wasn't disobeying you.
You said I couldn't go with the Wheelers, and I'm not.
Well, how are you gonna get there? Hitchhike.
Hitchhike? Sit down over here.
All I wanted to do was be with my friends.
A lot of people I like are gonna be down there.
Christmas is not about being with people you like! It's about being with your family.
Dad, it's just one Christmas.
It's not that big a deal.
Well, it is to your mom and to me and to me.
I can't believe you'd be this selfish.
Listen to me.
Um In a couple years, you'll be 18.
You'll be off to college or a good trade school.
And we won't see you.
But, Dad, I'll come home.
You'll come a couple Christmases.
But then you'll get married, and I'll never see you.
Your mom's family lives in Texas, mine's in Colorado.
We never see them for holidays.
You don't know how many Christmases we have together.
I won't be around forever.
What do you mean? Face the facts.
You've seen the stunts I pull on Tool Time.
I can't keep dodging the bullet.
I gotta get back to church and see your brother sing.
You can sit here and think about what a merry Christmas you've made this.
Well, I checked in every stall in the bathroom - men's and women's.
Boy, was Mrs.
Lindsay surprised.
I wonder where he is.
Maybe he decided to go home and set up his Christmas lights.
You really think he'd rather set up the lights than hear Mark sing? What was I thinking? Who's Leon? Maybe Leon was born in the manger next door.
(pitch pipe blows) The first Noel The angels did say Was to certain poor shepherds In fields as they lay In fields where they Where've you been? I-I went home and I I was hoping to have a little surprise for you, and, um Hi, Mom.
Brad! Scooch over.
Oh, honey.
I'm so glad you came.
If you're so glad, how come you're crying? I get a little emotional around the holidays.
I see I'm not the only one.
Oh, no.
This isn't emotion.
It's Al.
He's not wearing any deodorant.
I don't think so, Tim.
Noel, Noel Noel, Noel Born is the king Of Israel Noel, Noel Noel, Noel Born is the king Of Israel Hey, guys, come on.
Hurry up.
The contest's about to start.
Gee! I don't know, Tim.
There's an awful lot of lights here.
We'll have to take out a mortgage to pay the electric bill.
All right, Dad.
Let her rip.
No, wait a minute.
I think we should say a prayer first.
Please, Lord, don't let our house blow up.
Wait, get back.
All right, guys.
Cross your fingers.
Ready? (all gasp) (Tim laughs) (Jill) Looks wonderful.
(Randy) Awesome.
(Brad) Cool.
(Mark) Wow.
(Wilson) Oh, oh, oh, Tim, that is a lovely use of neon.
Reminds me of the Christmas I spent in Las Vegas.
(Tim) You really like it, Wilson? You've reached the apex of your Christmas decorating career.
I hope I can convince those stupid judges of that.
There's only one judge.
Just one? Mm-hmm.
And it's me.
Did I say stupid? I meant stupendous.
(laughs) If you're the judge, we've kinda got a leg up on the competition.
Well, I don't know.
Doc Johnson's display is very effective.
Plus, I used to be a patient of his.
Huh? Brad, you put Blitzen's light in Rudolf's nose.
Tim, does one bulb make that big a difference? Yes.
I'm a perfectionist.
Wilson, hold off the judging till I get this finished.
Be careful up there.
It's slippery.
Don't worry, honey.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
Hey, Dad, be careful if the light bulb is wet.
It'll be fine.
(electricity arcing) Well, good golly, Taylors, I think you won the contest.
I did not realize there was a full-size electric Tim on the roof.
(Brad) Hey, Dad, we're coming up! Hurry! Happy holidays! Happy holidays! ( all grunt "Jingle Bells")
Previous EpisodeNext Episode