Home Improvement s03e16 Episode Script

The Colonel

It's also about male improvement.
So, continuing our male improvement series, Al and I are gonna talk about men and their shoes.
That's right.
We'll be delving into shoe repair and shoe shining.
Not to mention shoe trees.
And shoehorns.
( horn) Anyway, here's a pair of wing tips over here that have certainly seen better days.
Now, when you have a shoe this damaged, you wanna take it down to the original leather using rubbing alcohol.
Then for the rough spots, use a little leather dye.
Polish her up, you got a shoe as good as new.
Remember, when you're using shoe polish, use a little bit of water.
It'll make that shine really spectacular.
That's right.
Then you wanna buff it with a cloth diaper.
Make sure you remove the baby first, though.
This will give your shoe a sheen for sure.
You don't shay.
All right, now, Tim, what were to happen if we have a brand-new pair of shoes and the leather is hard and uncomfortable? Ooh, that could be a big problem if you had feet like Al's mom.
Well, for shoes like this, my mother always used Binford's leather softener.
But that turns your new hard shoes into the old soft shoe.
Klaus? ( "The Old Soft Shoe") (hand smacks) (gong sounds) (boing) (nut cracks) (whistle slide) Ah.
Thanks, but enough of that foolishness.
Let's get on with the next part of the shoe repair.
Tim, do you call that a soft shoe? It was a joke, Al.
Anyway Klaus? ( piano) Oh, Don? ( "The Old Soft Shoe") What do you think? Should we put the kids in the middle? All right, Randy, I'm ready to teach you the most important skill in hockey.
No, goaltending.
Are you sure this is gonna help? Positive.
It can't hurt.
Last week you gave up 14 goals.
No, 15 is what you got on your math test.
Give it a rest, guys, OK? Now, this is the Tim Taylor authorized puck chucker.
Move out of the way, please.
Put your mask down.
Remember what I taught you.
This thing shoots at incredible speed.
That thing is incredible.
Good thing he's wearing padding.
(fake laugh) I gotta get the instruction book out.
Once I get the instructions, we'll see how many pucks this hockey-puck chucker can chuck.
If the puck chucker could chuck pucks.
Shouldn't your dad be here? You know the colonel.
If he says he'll be here at 1700 hours, he means 1700 hours sharp.
What time is that again? to teach you military time for 15 years.
Now, listen to this.
You subtract 12 if it's a double-digit number greater than 12.
If it's a single-digit number, it's the actual time.
If it's a double-digit number that's less than or equal to 12, that's also the actual time.
Have you got that? Yeah.
I wish your mom was coming.
At least she speaks civilian.
Me too.
She said she needed a break from Dad.
She wants to have one week where she doesn't have to get up before dawn and raise the flag.
(doorbell rings) Oh, he's here, he's here! (doorbell rings) All right! Hey, Dad.
Daddy! Hello, sweetheart! How's my little girl? Great.
I'm so happy to see you.
Do you still live here? Colonel, good to see you.
I see the Lincoln's running well.
Oh, got me up here all the way from Texas.
I tell you, '61 was a vintage year.
You should've bought one the day they came out.
I would've, sir, but I was six.
That's no excuse.
Hey, we're getting Tool Time on the satellite.
That's what Nana told us.
I don't watch it, but we get it.
Just kidding.
You know I love Tool Time.
Would you like a drink? Water, straight from the tap.
None of that hippy bottled stuff.
Say, did you get the tickets to the guns and knives show? Guns and knives? I thought you wanted to see Guns 'N Roses.
What? It's a joke.
It's a joke.
Ah, you're a great kidder.
Let me put you up in Mark's room.
There are the kids.
(Mark) Grandpa! There's my troops! Attention! At ease.
Ah, hair's getting a little long.
Maybe later we'll all go for crew cuts.
Yeah, right.
What did you say? Um, nothing, sir.
(laughs) Grandpa, what did you bring us? Hey, hey, come on, Mark.
Where are your manners? Hey, what's a grandfather for? I got you guys a special treat.
Let's go show Jeremy.
Hey, watch it with that stuff.
It's sharp.
You bet it's sharp.
That shrapnel was removed from my Forget where it was removed from.
You gave the boys shrapnel? What did you give me? I gave you my daughter.
Yeah, you're right, sir, but I'm kinda tired of playing with that gift.
You know, Tim, about you always calling me "sir" Yeah? I like it.
No, actually I do have something for the both of you.
His-and-her bazookas.
I wrote a book about my experiences in the military.
I got a copy for each of you.
Dad, you wrote a book.
This is great.
If Schwarzkopf can do it, any bum can.
You know, I thought, you know, since you work at the magazine, you could read it and if you like it, you might pass it along to some of your friends in publishing.
Oh, Dad, I'm so excited.
I can't wait to read it.
And I can't wait to have you tell me what you thought of it.
Now, what time's dinner? That's 11pm.
We eat late.
Are you enjoying it? A lot of facts.
Yeah, it's so detailed.
Tremendous detail.
And it's not flowery.
Oh, no flowers here.
No, just page after page of detail.
Can't go wrong with details.
It's boring, isn't it? It's mind-numbing.
I thought this was gonna be more of a story, but there's nothing in there but tactics and military strategy.
What are we going to tell him? Tell him the truth.
Oh, sure.
You know my dad.
He hears bad news, he hits the roof, then he sulks, then he doesn't wanna talk about it anymore, and then the whole thing remains unresolved.
He can take it.
He's a tough guy.
He gives shrapnel as gifts.
No way.
I cannot ever tell him.
Why not? When I do something you don't like, you don't hold back on me.
(laughing) I've held back lots of things from you, Tim.
Back the truth trolley up here a little bit.
What kind of things don't you let me know? Oh, where shall I start? With one.
You know that green suit you bought? That wasn't green.
That was more of a pistachio.
You said it was stunning.
What was stunning was that you could walk into a store and actually walk out with that suit.
We got the machine up and running.
You're gonna operate it from back here.
Remember what I told you.
All right.
I'll give you the pointers now.
The most important thing about being a goalie is that these things hurt! Sorry, Dad.
A good goalie is always prepared, all right? Hey.
Hey! Hey! I saw where you're aiming that thing.
All right, stand in.
Dad, I can't.
We ran out of pucks.
I need to reload.
All right, reload.
Dad, when is Grandpa getting up? Uh, let's see.
He went to bed at 2300 hours.
He wanted nine hours of sleep.
That's 3200 minus 12.
You add that up.
Uh Remember, when Dad comes down and asks how we liked the book, we tell him that we loved it.
If you wanna lie to your dad, that's your business.
I don't wanna lie.
That's just how we do things in my family.
Would it make you feel better if I told him the truth? Oh, honey, that is so sweet.
I should be the one to tell him, though.
But since I can't Jill Well Jill, listen to me.
Look, what if I get the ball rolling and you just jump in when you feel comfortable? That might work.
Sure it will.
I'll tell him how I feel about it, and then you just back me up.
But you have to promise to be tactful.
Have I ever been anything but tactful? Good morning.
(Tim) Morning.
Daddy, how'd you sleep? Oh, great.
But I'm starting to grow out of Mark's bed.
Coffee? Oh, I'd love some.
So, did you read my book? I'll get the coffee.
Yes, we did read the book.
So what did you think of it, honey? Would you like eggs or waffles? Eggs.
There's a lot of good stuff in there.
Oh, yeah, a lot.
It's a tad bit wordy.
You know, in a good way.
A writer's supposed to use words.
What do you want - pictures? Could've helped it a little.
What was so odd - you have a book, and there's no people in it.
This is a book about policy and objectives and how to win a war.
You don't wanna clutter that up with a lot of people.
Good point.
Writing a book about war, you don't wanna talk about people.
What are you trying to tell me, Tim - that you had mixed feelings about my book? I wouldn't say that.
You wouldn't know good literature if it bit you in the butt.
Well, honey, I I think I've gotten that ball rolling about as far as it's gonna go.
Why don't you jump in and tell your dad what you thought of the book? Honey? Jill? Loved it.
It's the best book I ever read.
So, can I get you something else? Would you like a slice of coffeecake? Sure.
Just use the knife you stuck in my back.
Can't believe you sold me out.
Tim, you're overreacting.
What I know is that I tell the truth and I come out like the bad guy.
How can you be so selfish? What? This whole thing is between me and my father, and all you care about is how you come off? What? I think you could be a little more supportive in a situation like this.
Supportive about Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I-I appreciate you defending me, but he's entitled to his opinion.
Thank you.
Even though we both know he's wrong.
Let's face it, Tim, you have no taste.
Tim has wonderful taste.
Oh, yeah? Remember that green suit he wore to your sister's wedding? It wasn't green, it was avocado, almost melon.
So, uh, when are you going to bring my book to your publisher? Well, you know, Dad, I think that, um, she's kinda busy right now.
She's out of town, in fact.
Well, who's the number two in command? We'll speak to him instead.
Oh, Dad, he's not gonna want to talk to me.
He doesn't even know I work there.
Then this could be your opportunity to put yourself on the map.
Dad, I couldn't use you to further my career.
Now, we'll go down there first thing tomorrow morning and show them my book.
I can't do that.
Why not? Because I wasn't totally honest with you before.
Daddy, this is really hard for me to say, but the book is is just really not very good.
Then why'd you say you loved it? That's what you wanted to hear.
Don't tell me what I wanted to hear.
I want to hear the truth! Well, I'm telling it to you now.
Fine! You didn't like the book.
I'm gonna get the boys.
We'll be back at 1300 hours.
What time is that? It's 1:00! Why is that so difficult for you to understand? Every private in the army gets it by the end of the first day! Daddy, I'm really sorry that I upset you, but I'm not upset! If I were upset I'd be yelling! I remember now.
The salesman said that suit was a loden heather.
(snoring) Wilson? Huh? (clears throat) Hi-de-ho, neighborette.
What are you doing? Well, I'm just trying to read this extremely lengthy tome that your father gave me.
Why are you doing it out here? It's freezing cold.
Well, I tried reading inside, but I kept falling asleep.
Tim and I tried to talk to him about it today, but he just got real upset.
There are those people that don't respond well to criticism.
Yeah, and some of 'em yell.
You remember that movie Old Yeller? Mm-hmm.
When it came out, we thought it was about Daddy.
That must have been difficult to grow up with.
Yeah, it was.
That's why we had this house policy never to upset him.
I always tried to follow that rule, but today I couldn't.
So, you're feeling that telling him the truth was a mistake? I've always really adored my father.
You know, I don't wanna do anything to hurt that relationship.
You mean the relationship where you don't tell him the truth? Yeah, that would be the one.
I don't know.
I mean, look what happened when I told him the truth.
Maybe I should have just kept my mouth shut.
Well, George Bernard Shaw wouldn't have thought so.
He said we must not stay as we are, doing always what was done last time, or we shall stick in the mud.
Well, I'm stuck in something deep here, Wilson, but it ain't mud.
So, I'm standing there in Korea right on the 38th parallel, when who taps me on the shoulder? General Douglas MacArthur.
Who? Your father never told you about General MacArthur? No, but he told me about General Motors.
Well, this guy was even bigger.
So we're standing there, and what do you think he hands me? An apple? A grenade.
You know how to throw one of these things, son? You grip it in your right hand, you pull the pin with your teeth and you let it fly.
No throwing grenades in the house, Mark.
How'd you know what it was? You kidding? I grew up with fruit ammunition.
Honey, um, would you go upstairs? I wanna talk to Grandpa.
Can I talk to you for a minute, Dad? About what? And don't say the book.
I wish you wouldn't take my criticism personally.
I said I don't wanna talk about the book.
Well, I do.
Where do you get off criticizing me in the first place? What do you know about the military? You see, this is why I didn't wanna tell you.
I knew you would overreact.
You always do.
That's why nobody can ever tell you anything.
What are you talking about? When we were growing up, we weren't allowed to tell you anything that might upset you.
Oh, really? Then why the hell was I upset so much? Dad, you didn't know half of what was going on in that house.
I knew everything.
Oh, you did, did you? OK, did you know that when I was in high school when I said I was going on that all-girl ski weekend, I really went to a peace march in Washington with Tommy Burnett? Tommy the commie? I don't wanna know it.
You see? You wanna be kept in the dark.
Some things are better left unsaid.
Maybe for you, 'cause then you could have the same order at home that you had at the base, but we're not your soldiers.
Damn right.
My soldiers were under control.
Then I'd come home to your mother and you five girls, and I never knew what the hell was going on! Dad I love you so much, and there were a million times that I needed to talk to you, but I felt like I couldn't.
I always thought I was pretty easy to talk to.
Well, you're not.
Well, we're talking now.
Look, honey, I'm sorry I chewed your head off about the book.
I'm sorry I didn't like the book, but I'm glad that I had the guts to tell you the truth.
If you look at it in this light, it's more of a lima bean, isn't it? Hi.
Hey, what are you doing? This thing's too easy for Randy, so I tweaked it up a little bit.
Oh I hate when you say that word "tweak.
" It makes my hackles go up.
I love when your hackles go up.
Where's your dad? It's 20 degrees outside, and he's out there futzing with the Lincoln.
Watch how hard this thing hits the net now.
Randy's gonna be a great goalie.
Watch the top-left corner.
(glass shatters) (colonel) My car! It was Jill! Fine.
You didn't like the book.
I'll go pick up the boys.
We'll be back at 13 hours.

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