Home Improvement s03e20 Episode Script

It Was The Best Of Tims, It Was The Worst Of Tims

All right.
I'm gonna show you how to do a reversal from the down position.
I'm gonna pin you in about three seconds.
That's real fair, Dad.
You weigh like a ton more than me.
A ton? OK, if that's not fair, why don't I just take on all three of you? All right! Come on, you bunch of little girls.
You lose! Yeah, but not the second round! No! Dad, it smells under here! Seriously! It's the Tim Taylor half-smelly-nelson! Yeah, Dad.
Your pits are the pits! Hi, guys.
I see he's got you in that half-smelly-nelson.
How'd you know? He perfected it on me.
Boys, aren't you supposed to be doing homework? I was until Dad called us down to wrestle.
Tim You won't wrestle with me anymore, iguana woman.
Come on.
Hey, just put the groceries away, ape man.
(grunts) Bite-size pretzels bite-size quiche.
Bite-size pizza.
Who's coming over, the Bite-size family? I told you, I'm giving a baby shower for Linda from work.
Her husband's the crook? He's not a crook.
He's a cook.
We went to his restaurant.
That's right.
I paid the bill.
He's a crook.
Anyway, it's at 2:00 on Saturday, and a lot of people from work are gonna be there.
You mean a lot of people people or a lot of women people? Women people.
They're just like men people, only they have longer hair, and they're smarter.
Bunch of women at a baby shower, yakking about stretch marks, bloating, labor pains I wanna discuss labor pains, I'll talk to a union man.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Why don't you pop your head in and say hi for a second? I really want you to meet my women friends from work.
Can't this Saturday.
Why not? I'm busy on Saturday.
We're doing that Tool Time till 2:00.
And I told the boys I'd rush back here and take them to the demolition derby at four.
Well, there's two hours in between there.
Well, then I go upstairs.
To do what? Upstairs stuff.
What do you think? Could we put the kids in the middle? Does everybody know what time it is? (all) Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you, everybody, and welcome to Tool Time.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you, Heidi.
Poor little Al's out sick today.
But don't have a flannel meltdown.
He's gonna be helping us out by phone.
Heidi, my Al phone, please.
Here you go, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
He's looking pretty sprightly, isn't he? Al, you there? Ahchoo! Use a tissue, fella.
Come on! I would like the audience to know that I used a hanky.
This is the first time you've been out sick, isn't it? Which is amazing, considering all the injuries you've inflicted on me.
Put your hand down, Tim.
Anyway, today we continue our week-long salute (drain gurgling) to plumbing.
And joining us today is master plumber Felix Myman.
Let's give him a big Tool Time welcome.
Good to have you aboard, Felix.
Nice to be here, Tim.
Felix and I go way back, right? That's right.
I've been to your house for all of your plumbing disasters.
The water heater, the dishwasher, Jill's bathtub I think we get the point.
Anyway, we'll try to get (Al snorts and snickers) Being a master plumber, Felix is experienced with all sorts of bathroom problems - sinks, showers Speaking of showers, what do you think of baby showers? I'm against them.
I think babies should take baths.
No, it's a different sort of shower.
It's like when women get together and yap about what to do when their water breaks.
With any kind of water breakage, you wanna call a licensed plumber.
The first segment of our plumbing show will start in the bathroom, where all the action takes place, right on the throne.
We're talking about a sweaty toilet.
Heidi, my sweaty toilet, please.
Here you are, Tim.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome.
Now, what is a sweaty toilet? Is it a toilet that's just overstressed from too many seat-ups? Oh! Oh! Oh! I don't think so, Tim.
Actually, Tim, this problem occurs when the cold water in the tank cools the porcelain, and the warm, moist air condenses on the sides.
Well said, Felix.
I'm glad there's somebody there who knows what he's talking about.
I'm usually the one that has to step in and tell Tim Talk to you later, Al.
(dial tone) OK, Felix.
What do we do about a sweaty toilet? You can install a tempering valve to mix the hot and cold water before it enters the tank.
But that's for professional installation only.
For that, hire a licensed plumber like Felix.
For the do-it-yourselfer, you can just cement foam liners inside the tank.
You'll wanna drain the water from the tank first and use an epoxy resin cement, which will take a couple of hours to dry.
Yeah, but, Felix, when you gotta go, you got to go.
That's why I recommend Binford's ultra-fast-drying urethane adhesive.
I'm not sure you wanna use that kind of glue.
I know what I'm doing here, OK? Just wait till it's tacky Tim, I'd be careful.
That's instant glue you're using.
It's not like instant instant.
(phone ringing) Would you get that for me? Oh, sure.
Hello? Oh, hi, Al.
What does he want? He wants to know if you've got your hands glued to the toilet yet.
Come on! (all) Aw! I love these bootees.
They're darling.
Anybody ready for cake? (all) Ohh! I'll help you.
Hi, sweetie.
When did you get home? I'm not home.
Jill, is that your husband? Tell 'em I'm your Latin lover Miguel, and I don't speak English.
Yes, it is my husband.
Come and say hi.
iHola! Come and say hi and don't act stupid.
This is my husband Tim.
(all) Hi.
Hi, everybody.
Welcome to our house.
Um Shower power! So, I finally get to meet "The Tool Man.
" Yeah.
You know, I watch your show all the time.
Really? Yeah.
Who are you? Nora.
I loved the one on squeaky floors.
"A squeak, a creak or a Ohhh!" A lot of people liked that show.
Two letters have already poured in.
Jill, I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I think Tim is even more handsome in person than he is on television.
Well Excuse me.
I don't mind.
You are? Eve.
Can I get you a cold drink, some dip or a condominium? And - I'm just taking a shot - you must be the guest of honor.
I'm Linda.
Can you join us, Tim? Oh I'm not a big baby-shower guy.
I'm a big baby guy.
I hope my husband turns out to be a big baby guy.
He's really nervous right now.
I'll take these.
Thank you.
Guys are generally nervous about babies.
You women do all the work, and then we have to sit back and think, "Will I be a good father to him? Will he relate to me?" Or even worse, what if he turns out to be a she? Then I have to protect she from all the he's.
You sound like you've given this a lot of thought.
We had three boys.
They were babies once, and they were really cool babies.
I think men have a lot in common with babies.
We both get real cranky if we don't get fed on time.
We like to take naps in the afternoon.
And I don't know a guy in the world that doesn't like a good game of peek-a-boo.
(women) Ohh! This is a lot of fun.
I wish I could stay around.
Have a nice shower and have fun here.
What a doll.
Jill, you are so lucky.
That is exactly the kind of man I've been looking for.
He is fabulous.
He is fabulous.
Who was that? This was a great shower, Jill.
Thank you so much.
You're welcome.
Here, I'll do that.
I've put all your gifts in the trunk.
Where'd you get that bib with the trough? It'd be perfect for ball games.
"That last beer was a little too much for me.
" I'm gonna take the boys on an educational trip.
Museum? Library? Actually, demolition derby.
Vroom-bam! He is so funny.
You must laugh all the time.
All the time.
Thanks again.
You be well.
Here you go, here you go.
Thanks, Mom.
Yes! See you later, honey.
You! Wait.
What? You were incredible at that shower.
You were funny and charming and sexy.
All the women wanted to be married to you.
I wanted to be married to them, too.
Maybe we could work out some kind of time-share arrangement.
You know, sometimes I just forget what an amazing hunk of man you are.
Well, I'd love to stick around and give you a little reminder, but the boys need me.
I need you.
(car horn honks) Ah! Demolition derby sexy wife.
Demolition derby ooh, sexy wife.
Could you hold that thought till about 10:00 tonight? This thought here? That would that would be the one.
(car horn honks) Hurry back, mister.
Every time I see two heaps slam into one another tonight, I'll be thinking about us.
Honey, what a demolition derby.
I wish you'd been there.
We were so close to the action, you could taste the exhaust.
I'm glad you're back.
Where are the boys? They're in their rooms.
Proud of those little guys.
They each had one of those Randy let out a burp so loud, one of the drivers thought he blew a tire.
I always knew that that boy was special.
(whistles) Are you looking good.
Let me get out of these cruddy clothes.
Don't take too long.
I won't.
What a great night with the boys, though.
A lot of good food Oh! Ah! Ohh! I got some double-cheese nachos sitting right here.
(burps) Ohh! Tim! Got a little gas ball moving, moving (burps) Ah! This is real attractive.
So where were we? It's kinda hard to remember.
This'll refresh your memory.
(stifles burp) Sorry.
I'm sorry.
Mark was right.
You shouldn't have double onions on those chili dogs.
Hello Where are you going? I've had enough.
I thought we were gonna, you know Are you insane? You were drooling all over me when I left.
Yeah, well, that was a different guy.
What happened to the man who was debonair and attractive and oozing charm? That's me.
I'm him.
No, you're the guy that burps and oozes something, but it isn't charm.
You were charming the pants off those women today.
Why don't you do that with me anymore? I was just trying to make a good impression.
It really ticks me off that just because we're married, everybody else gets the best part of you, and I just get the rest.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back the trolley up here a minute.
It's not like I get the best o' Jill.
That morning breath could take the paint off my hot rod.
And how about this little ratty robe? Like that says, "Come and take me, big fella.
" The point is that tonight, I really tried.
When was the last time that you put on something like this for me? I put that on, I'd be arrested, honey.
Come on.
All I wanted was one night of romance, and you turn it into a big argument.
So let's not argue.
I, for one, am still in the mood.
I'm taking a wild shot that you're not.
Ohh! Drat, drat, drat, drat, drat.
Problem, Wilson? Well, Tim, I am attempting to balance an egg, but it's not easy.
But if it falls, it's overeasy.
(chuckles) You are quite the yolkster.
Actually, Tim, some people believe that an egg will stand on its end during the vernal equinox.
The vernal what-nox? The vernal equinox, Tim.
It signifies the first day of spring, it's when the sun is directly over the equator and gravitational pull is at its strongest.
That's probably what's affecting Jill.
What'd you do this time, Tim? I didn't do anything.
She's bent out of shape because I'm too charming.
You are quite the dazzler.
I don't see why that would upset Jill, though.
She thinks I'm only charming for other people and not her.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
I think she wants things to be like they were when we first met.
But I like the way things are now.
I like not always having to impress the other person or get dressed up.
So you would tend to agree with J.
Priestley, who said that, "Marriage is like an endless visit in your worst clothes.
" (chuckles) That guy really knew about marriage.
And divorce, too.
He was married three times.
Oh, no! Three mother-in-laws.
(clucks) (laughs) When Jill and I first got married, in order win her, I really had to pour on the charm.
Then she wanted to see through the charm and see if I really loved her.
And now that she knows I really love her, she wants the charm back.
Well, Tim, maybe after 15 years of marriage, making an effort to be more charming has more meaning.
It's too bad.
I like being comfortable in my own house.
If I've got a little gas, I don't want to have to run out to the backyard.
I don't want that, either.
Jill? Hi.
I was laying under the hot rod, and I got to thinking about you.
Really? Usually you're laying with me and get to thinking about the hot rod.
I think you're right.
I don't really work on charming you like I used to.
Well, that's true.
I don't think you wore coveralls to bed until the fifth anniversary.
I just don't wanna be one of those priests that drops eggs on his three wives.
What? Sometimes in a marriage, you can get too comfortable.
Well, we're both getting lazy.
I guess after 15 years and three kids, it's kinda natural.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I don't wanna get so lazy that we stop trying.
Me neither.
Do you remember when I asked you to marry me? I was so nervous, my hands were as sweaty as toilets.
Why were you nervous? I was afraid you'd say no and I'd have to spend the rest of my life without you.
I knew I couldn't return that ring.
You still make me laugh.
That's good.
It's the best 15 years I've ever had.
Got a little gift for you.
Stay right there.
Oh You still have some charm left.
I still have some tricks up my sleeve.
Whoa! Bond.
James Bond.
( "The Way You Look Tonight") I wish that I had a beautiful gown on underneath my robe.
What do you have on under there? Nothing.
That's better than any gown.
Are Mom and Dad up yet? No.
And quit bugging us! It's late.
When are they gonna get up? Don't you know anything? Whenever Mom and Dad have a fight, Dad apologizes, and then, the next morning, they sleep late.
I don't think they're sleeping.
You don't? Why not? Because I heard them jumping up and down on their bed.
Oh Well, you know, they're probably just having one of their, um somersault contests.
It's a lot like the Olympics.
Sounds like fun.
Why don't they ask us to play? Trust me, Mark.
You don't wanna play.
Hi, Mom.
Hi, Dad.
Hi, sweetie.
What a great day.
Yeah, what a great day.
Brad and Randy told me what you were doing upstairs.
They did? Yeah.
Having one of those somersault contests.
Who won? Your mom won.
She always wins.
You did win, didn't you? Twice.
(grunts) Does everybody know what time it is? OK, there's a little thing we do here.
We yell "Tool Time.
" It sounds like you've given this a lot of thought.
Well, we had three three babies When the boys were babies, and I You know Men are actually a lot like babies.

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