Home Improvement s04e18 Episode Script

A House Divided

Anybody home? Tim? Under here.
I picked up my application to graduate school.
You know what? I have to write an essay on why I think I'd make a good psychologist.
Well, that's easy.
Tell them you're the kind of person that will give people advice whether they want it or not.
Thank you so What are you doing? I just put a little attachment on your garbage disposal.
Don't touch that! It's working fine.
It's working fine if you want to grind up normal stuff, which it doesn't do that well anyway, but I got a vision.
I'm talking about real stuff - whole corn on the cob with the husk included.
Avocado pits? Heck, avocado trees ought to go down this thing.
Other tool guys ask, "Why?" This tool man asks, "Why not?" This tool man's wife asks, "Why me?" I'll show you why, you.
Just in case you need extra power.
(motor revving) (motor roaring) Thank you.
Hey, Al, I wish you'd stop cleaning, you know.
You're a partner, not a janitor.
I know, but I don't mind.
See, I feel a tidy hardware store is a successful hardware store.
Isn't that your philosophy? In a nutshell.
Hey, Harry.
Hey, Timmy! Hi, Al.
Hey, Tim.
How are you? Pretty good, buddy.
All right.
All right.
So what can I do for you? I need a spark plug for my garbage disposal.
You put a gas engine in your disposal? You got a problem with that? Are you gonna race it against the other disposals? Benny.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Tim, how you doing? Benny, how are you? Hi, Al.
Can you guys loan me a space heater? What for? The furnace in my new residence has a gas leak.
I don't have the means to get it fixed.
What kind of dump are you living in now? For your edification, it's an eight-room house.
One room, I'm not sure what it is.
It's got a lot of books in it.
The bathroom.
You can't afford an eight-room house.
True, but my beloved aunt is in Florida for a few months.
And while the aunt's away, the nephew will stay.
My guess is he won't pay.
And I'm covered till May.
Hey, a leaky gas valve can be very dangerous.
That's right, Benny.
It really is.
It was shut off weeks ago, the gas.
So that means you don't have any hot water? That means you can't take a shower? Not to worry.
I boil the water on my hot plate and give myself a nightly sponge bath.
Makes you glad you're not a sponge, huh? Wait a minute.
We could help him out.
Why don't we take a Tool Time crew over there and fix the furnace for that heating and cooling special we're doing on the show? That's a good idea.
And, Tim, you yourself would do the repairs? Yeah.
Forget it.
It's free.
I'm in.
Ha ha ha.
Um, we can schedule this Monday morning early.
You gotta be there about 6am.
Monday's no good for me.
I got my Gamblers Anonymous meeting.
Well, how about Tuesday? Also no good.
I'm going to the track.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time.
That's right.
Binford Tools is on location with Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Thank you, Heidi.
I'm Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
We're here on location at the Barony home.
Our project today is fixing a gas furnace.
If we have time, maybe we'll fix this broken windowpane, maybe put on some new gutters, maybe some new shutters.
Maybe we'll do a TV show.
Maybe we'll call it Tool Time.
Maybe I'll be the host and you'll be the humorless assistant.
But first we should get to our leaky gas valve in the furnace.
With any kind of gas leak, you wanna make sure you shut the gas off to the home.
The gas has been turned off on this house.
Heidi here will show you how that was done.
You're gonna take your crescent wrench and you're gonna turn the valve a quarter turn, so that the wrench is perpendicular to your pipe.
Thank you, Heidi.
You're welcome, Tim.
Now, let's go take a peek at our leak.
Watch your step, buddy.
Speaking of peeks, aren't those drawers a little tight on you, Al? Oh! Oh! Well, here we are in the basement.
Good observation, Al.
Maybe tomorrow you can tell the people what that big room upstairs is with the stove in it.
Oh, gosh, I'll tell you! All right.
Fixing that leaky valve involves taking the plate off this old furnace here.
Sometimes these old furnaces are tough, you know.
You gotta Oh, boy! When they're old like this, you gotta really (grunts) Yeah, right.
After I loosened it for you.
Marv, if you get down here, we'll find that gas valve.
In these old ones, they're way back and they're hard to see 'cause sometimes they're right there in front of you.
There's that pesky little devil, right there.
Now, the first thing we wanna do is loosen up the flexible connector with a 7/8 inch wrench.
All right.
Then you wanna loosen the module control wires, here.
Then you wanna loosen up Al with a stiff martini.
Simply unscrew the old gas valve like that.
Now we're ready for the new one.
However, before we put this in, we want to seal the valve at both the gas inlet and outlet.
And for that we need a special compound known as plumber's dope.
Tim, where's the plumber's dope? (silly voice) It's right here.
Ha ha ha ha! Sorry I'm late.
Hi, Al.
Sorry I'm late.
I thought the basement was upstairs.
Ha ha ha.
All right.
Well, once you've applied the plumber's dope, we'll put on our new gas valve, and we're ready to reconnect the wiring.
All right.
We've reconnected the wiring.
Now all we have to do is reconnect Al.
We've reconnected Al.
Now let's see if the furnace is working.
For that, let's go to Heidi and the gas cam.
Heidi? My gas, please.
There you go, Tim.
All right.
We bypassed the thermostat upstairs with this little switch here.
Flick her on.
See if she goes.
All ready to go.
Now just put the panel back on.
Now, if you still have a problem, there's many possibilities that These old furnaces sometimes are tough.
They put Well, that's all the time we have for today's show.
Catch us next time when we do our salute "Hey, you big lug! You left the seat up again.
" (both) to toilets.
Hey, that was a really great show, Al.
Thank you, Heidi.
You know, on these location Tool Times, I feel the audience really gets to see the real Al.
If you don't zip up your fly, the real Al's gonna make a personal appearance.
Finish those doughnuts in a hurry, all right? The truck's almost packed up.
No problem.
All right.
Uh, excuse me.
I'm from across the street.
You're on that show, Tool Time, aren't you? Yes, we are.
You know, you're just as attractive in real life.
Thank you.
I try to stay fit.
I was talking to her.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
So, uh, what brings you to the neighborhood? Oh, we just fixed the leak in Mrs.
Barony's furnace.
Oh, good.
What about the leak in the stove? Well, we're, uh uh The stove? That's why she shut off the gas before she left for Florida.
Benny! Did your aunt happen to mention that there's also a gas leak in the stove? Maybe.
It's hard to understand her when she's not wearing her teeth.
You realize there's the possibility that gas has been leaking into this house for the last half hour? The slightest spark could cause combustion.
Take it easy.
I disconnected all the electrical appliances like you told me.
Except that lamp over there.
But don't worry.
It's the kind that only goes on when you clap.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
(all scream) Let me guess.
There was another leak? The stove.
Benny! (all shout) Everybody, shut up! I'll have to get back to you.
Guys! Hey, there's no doughnuts.
And you didn't buy any more? Did it ever occur to you that I might not have time to fulfill all your snacking needs because there might be something more important going on in my life? Yeah, right.
I'm trying to finish my application to graduate school.
I thought you were already in graduate school.
(both) Me too.
I can't believe you guys.
I've been taking undergraduate courses since September.
You have no idea what I've been doing in school? Well, your teacher didn't send home any notes.
We assumed everything was fine.
Look, if you're not gonna care about my life, would you just not care about my life quietly for a few days? You got it, Mom.
That's just how I see it, all right? I don't care what you say.
You blew up my house.
I didn't blow up your house.
Who clapped? I've clapped a million times.
It's probably the one thing I've done that hasn't caused an explosion.
Till now.
Hey, guys, can you keep it down, please? (Tim) Yeah, yeah.
Come on, Benny.
Hiya, roomie.
I beg your pardon? Didn't I tell you I was gonna tell her? Tim blew up my house.
Need I say more? I didn't blow up your house.
I didn't blow up his house.
There was a gas leak at his aunt's house.
We tried to fix it, and there was an explosion.
Oh, Benny, I'm so sorry.
So I said until we figure out what we should do, he should stay here.
Don't worry.
Tim said he's gonna fix up the house better than new.
And I won't be an imposition.
You won't even know I'm here.
Exactly how long won't we know that you're here? A couple of days.
(Benny) Funiculà, funiculì, funiculà 'Ncoppa, jammo jà, funiculì Funiculà Well, either Benny's singing, or there's a sick cow in this house.
How come we're not eating eggs? Benny ate 'em.
Or bacon? Benny.
Toast? Benny.
Who ties up the phone, puts the dark laundry in with our whites, sleeps all day, watches TV all night? Benny.
Who do we want out of the house? (all) Benny! I don't know.
I kinda like having Uncle Benny around.
"Uncle" Benny? Yeah.
He says when I'm 12, he's gonna take me to Vegas and get me comped.
Why did his house have to blow up? Ask Mr.
I didn't blow up the house.
Tim, you gotta find him another place to stay.
I've tried to find him another place to stay.
Harry won't take him.
He just laughed at me and hung up the phone.
I even called some sisters.
They hung up on me.
His own sisters won't take him in? No, no, no.
I'm talking about the sisters at the Perpetual Mercy Mission.
(hums) (Tim) Morning, Benny.
Hey, Tim, I hope you don't mind.
I borrowed your bathrobe.
That's my bathrobe.
I should've known.
It feels so soft against my body.
I'll put it back.
Keep it.
( dance music) Oh! Neighbor, are you OK? Oh, yeah.
I think I'll recover.
I just saw something no human being should look at.
Benny Barony doing pelvic thrusts.
I hope for his sake he doesn't get stuck in that position.
How would you like to have a roommate for a little while? Oh, no, Tim.
These days I prefer the solitary lifestyle.
He's great.
You'd love Benny.
After his 12 square meals a day, he's happy as a clam.
Well, you seem to be in quite a hurry to unload your crony Barony.
He's driving my family crazy.
But how do you kick a good friend out? Mm-hmm.
Especially after you blew up his house.
I didn't blow up the man's house.
When does he move back in? It'll take Al and I a couple of weeks to fix that house.
I got a problem.
You know, you wouldn't have a problem if you were an African buffalo weaver.
No kidding.
I'd be in Africa weaving a buffalo.
No, no, no, Tim.
See, buffalo weavers are birds who nest communally.
Then when the nest is damaged, instead of one bird spending months trying to fix it, eight to ten birds working together can rebuild it in no time.
I've just gotta find a sparrow that spackles, a duck that can dry-wall, and use some plaster of parrots.
No, what I'm saying is maybe you should try to find some birds of your own feather.
Oh-ho-ho! It'd be tough finding a duck who knew how to dry-wall.
And who can afford a union duck? Their bill is enormous.
Come on, hustle up! Come on! Come on! Come on! Dad, why did we have to get up at five in the morning? Because we're gonna do a little building today.
Wilson and Heidi on wiring, Al and Harry, dry-wall and carpeting, you guys are painting, and Mom and I on windows.
Why do I have to go? Think about it.
The faster we get Benny into his house, the faster we get him out of our house.
OK, everybody.
Move it.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Come on.
Hyah! Hyah! All right, move it.
Move it.
Comfy, Benny? I could use a throw pillow.
Hey, Wilson.
Hi-ho, Tim.
Having fun, guys? Oh, it's a dream come true.
of fixing a house that you barbecued.
I didn't blow up this house.
( "Funiculì Funiculà" by Luigi Denza) Well, I got Benny a place to stay, and maybe a new project house for Tool Time.
Oh, I am so tired.
I think my feet are just gonna fall off.
I'll rub 'em when we get home.
They've been in work boots for 18 hours.
I'll spray them for you.
You know, this has been fun today, working together.
Yeah, it has.
I don't think that this whole day we had one argument with all this fixing and building.
That's 'cause we're like sparrows that can spackle from Buffalo.
What? What's important is that we're good at this.
We should get a contractor's license, and go on the road and do odd jobs for people.
We'd be together Perfect.
Seven days a week.
Oh, my! (chuckles) Sharing our innermost feelings.
Help me.
(laughs) Hey, Benny.
Hey, guys.
I just want to thank you for everything you did.
You're welcome, buddy.
Even though I'm not too crazy about the paint job.
Can I impose upon you for a second coat? Honey? Mmm.
Bye, Benny.
Maybe just a different color? Funiculà (motor revving) (motor whirring) I didn't blow up your house.
I didn't blow up his house.
I didn't blow up the man's house.
I didn't blow up your house.
I didn't blow up his house.
I didn't blow up his house.
Come on, I didn't blow up your house.
Who clapped? (all scream) Come on, you guys.
Dinner's hot.
(Mark) What did you get? Everybody's favorite - Polish food.
Oh All right, I love Polish food.
I went down to Hamtramick Stan's.
You were supposed to get pizza.
Anybody can get pizza.
You didn't.
That's 'cause on the way to get the pizza, I heard the call for kielbasa.
You know, the last time you ate Polish food, you were up half the night.
And in the bathroom the other half.
That's because I made a pig out of myself.
This time, I didn't order so much.
These things look great.
Oh these are great.
Brad, you oughta try the duck blood soup.
It's all right, Dad.
For lunch, I had a chicken gut sandwich.
I hope you're not gonna stuff yourself again.
Once you get started on golabkis, it's hard to put the brakes on.
It's not the brakes I'm worried about, it's your full tank of gas.

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