Home Improvement s04e25 Episode Script

Wilson's Girlfriend

Welcome back to Bachelor Week right here on Tool Time.
If you remember, yesterday Tim showed us how to shave in the car when you're running behind.
Today, it's Al's turn, with a look at the rough-and-tumble world of Ironing.
Now, ironing used to be a woman's domain.
But not these days.
Because they won't do it for us anymore.
More importantly, a man should know how to do his own ironing.
Now, I think of an iron as just another tool.
You can even hang it from your tool belt.
But you don't want to plug it in, 'cause there are certain things you don't want ironed.
Historically, men have been ironing for ages.
The first irons were made of iron heated by fire.
This iron here was developed to be heated by coal.
Then came the nine irons, your tire irons, and my personal favorite, your Jeremy Irons.
He's so wonderful.
All right.
Let's get to ironing technique.
I like to start with the sleeve and move on to the body of the shirt.
Marv, if you want to come in here.
I also like to start with a light spray from my mist button.
Let me show you how the pros do it.
I'm talking about the European tailors, Chinese tailors, Hong Kong tailors.
Tim Taylors.
We use the old gravity-feed professional iron.
(grunts) I like a little starch in my shirt, so I'll starch her up.
Actually, Tim, too much starch can irritate the skin.
Too much Al can irritate Tim.
If you iron like Al, it'll take forever.
European way, professional way, do it quick.
Steam going there.
And there you go.
(Brad) My life is over.
Randy, I've got a pimple.
I don't see anything.
It's one of those under-the-skin ones.
It's gonna come out tomorrow.
Well, maybe we can throw it a coming-out party.
Invite all the other pimples in the neighborhood.
Randy, you don't understand.
Tomorrow night's my date with Jessica Lutz.
What am I gonna do? Send her fries and a chocolate bar, hope she breaks out too.
Hey, guys.
Hi, Dad.
I got a pimple on my nose, and I got a date with Jessica Lutz.
Come on.
If she's a real woman, she's not gonna notice a little zit on your nose.
She's a 14-year-old girl.
You're in trouble.
Big, big trouble.
What works for me is a hot compress, you bring the zit to the surface, you pop it, ding dong, the zit is dead.
Cool! Come on, Randy, let's go soak my pimple.
Brad, I'm looking for a hobby, but that's not it.
Hi, sweetie.
Hey, baby.
You're a little late.
I took my teacher Judith out for coffee.
Great move! That'll guarantee you a C, but if you want the A, you gotta give cash.
That's not why I'm doing it.
I really like her.
That's great.
Anyway, I'm doing the hot rod.
I got the dash panel up.
Wanna take a look at it? I just hate knowing that Judith's going home to an empty house, though.
A wonderful woman like that should not be alone.
You know who would be perfect for her? Wilson.
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, no! You keep your filthy little mitts off Wilson Admit it, I'm on a roll.
I'm the one who set up Al and Ilene.
You could have set Al up with a mop with a wig on, he would've been happy.
As a matter of fact, I think you did.
They went to Chicago.
He had a great time with her.
Wilson is lonely.
I think he likes being alone.
Besides, you just can't set Wilson up with some woman off the street.
She's not just some woman off the street.
She's faced incredible adversity.
Her husband left her alone with two children and no money when she was She still managed to get a Ph.
Like that's hard to do.
What exactly is your problem here? What exactly do you know about this woman? Ph.
, a couple of kids - what about the important things? What kind of car does she drive? I don't know.
Some sort of station wagon.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no! I dated a station wagon once.
It was a nightmare.
Tim, I'm setting her up with Wilson, not with you.
Well, if she's lonely, have her get her own Wilson.
Aha! I see what's going on here.
You're afraid that if Wilson spends time with Judith, he's not gonna have any time for you.
If they got married and went on a honeymoon, who would I talk to? It could be a very difficult week for me.
Well, that's true, because then we'd have to talk, and that would be a very difficult week for me.
Hey, Wilson.
Well, hi-ho, neighborette.
What are you doing? Well, I'm hanging replicas of ancient clay bells from Crete.
They're supposed to attract friendly spirits.
What do you know? Here I am.
(chuckles) You know, I know we're supposed to go over to your house for dinner tomorrow night, but I was wondering if you'd like to come over to ours instead.
Well, I do appreciate the invite, but I've already made the koftas for my Malai Kofta curry.
I just wanted to introduce you to this professor that I really like.
Well, I have a cornucopia of koftas.
Why doesn't the good professor come over to my place? That would be great! You are really gonna like her, Wilson.
Her? Yeah.
She is incredible.
She's funny, and smart, extremely attractive, and extremely available.
Jill, this wouldn't by any chance be a setup, would it? A setup? No.
No, no, no.
Definitely not a setup.
Well, I guess it'd be OK, as long as there's no pressure.
Absolutely none.
Although you might wanna wear those gray slacks and that blue sweater that brings out the color of blue in your eyes.
And you should puff up your hair, 'cause you get that hat-head thing.
Thanks, Dad.
Because of your hot compress idea, my zit is the size of a tomato.
I knew it'd bring the blood to the surface.
I didn't think it'd make a permanent home there.
Little kids are gonna come up to me and think that I'm a clown.
Come on, Brad, get over it.
They're not gonna do that.
Just in case, maybe you should practice making those little balloon animals.
This is a nightmare.
I'm going out with Jessica in a half an hour.
This problem needs a woman's touch.
Brad? Wake up to makeup.
No, no.
I am not wearing makeup.
If I were you, I'd be open to suggestions.
(Wilson) Welcome, Taylors! My, my, my, what a lovely bromeliad.
(Tim) Wilson, I'm sorry Jill roped you into this.
I did not rope him into this.
He's excited.
Aren't you excited? Well, actually, I'm quite nervous.
I haven't really dated in 20 years.
Well, I can give you some pointers.
Oh, great.
This from the man who, on our first date, brought me a bouquet of spark plugs.
No, really, Wilson.
When you're dating a woman, they like to hear stories that tell how sensitive you are.
I knocked Jill out with this one where I saved a little kitty-cat drowning in a river.
Remember that? You said it was an old lady.
Kitty-cat, old lady.
You married me, didn't you? Don't listen to him.
Just be yourself.
You know, tell her about all that interesting stuff that you do.
Well, maybe I could tell her of the time I was in India and danced naked while my body was pierced by the swords of Siva.
Then again, you don't want to reveal too much on your first date.
(gong and panpipe doorbell) OK, I'll get it.
(Wilson groans) Oh, my.
Are you OK? Actually, I'm experiencing extreme diaphoresis.
I'm sweating like a pig.
Thank you.
Judith, this is my husband, Tim.
Hello, Judith.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
How's Jill at school? Does she listen to and follow directions? Work and play well with others? Yes, but she gets a little rambunctious during nap time.
You should see her at home.
Whoa! And this is Wilson.
Well, nice to meet you.
You too.
Jill has told me so much about you.
It's all been great.
Well, I am flattered.
The only thing she didn't tell me was your last name.
It's Wilson.
I thought that was your first name.
Wilson is my first name.
Well It's not that unusual.
I'm actually Tim Tim.
This is Jill Jill.
Sorry sorry.
Would you like some white wine? Yes, please.
I'll give you a hand.
This is a very interesting house, Wilson.
Or should I call you "Wilson"? Judith, in addition to being my professor, mentor, friend, is also a renowned author.
Oh, hardly renowned.
My book sold about four copies.
Two of which were to my children.
I wrote a book once.
How To Maintain Your Bench Grinder.
That sold no copies.
Well, it was probably more exciting than my book.
It was called The Psychophysiological Indices of Amorous Connections Among Termites of the Southwest.
How did you know that? Because I have read it.
It is wonderful! I mean, it's practically the Bible for anyone interested in the mating pattern of insects.
All two of you.
You see, I am quite the devotee of what I humorously term "insexuality.
" (Judith laughs) I can't believe you actually read my book.
I've got it right here.
I'll show you.
We'll have to talk some insects over dinner.
'Cause usually over here we eat insects for dinner.
(Wilson) Here it is.
You even dog-eared the pages.
Now it's my turn to be flattered.
(chuckles) I gotta start a dating service.
You made me love you I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it You made me want you And all the time you knew it You know you really knew it You're darn right (sings) I knew it Well, hi-ho, Tim.
Hi, there, Wilson.
I haven't seen much of you in the last couple of weeks.
Well, I've been spending a lot of time with Judith.
As a matter of fact, I'm sculpting her bust right now.
So things are going pretty good, huh? Oh, they are incredible.
As the Japanese would say, Judith has become my aijin.
I don't follow.
Well, as they'd say in Tanzania, Judith has become my rafiki yangu mpenzi.
In America, near Detroit, what would they say? They'd say I am crazy about her.
You know, Tim, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to make dinner tonight.
I promised Judith something romantic.
Like oysters? No, I'm making haggis.
It's a sheep's stomach served dumpling-style.
Hey! Hi, sweetie.
Great news.
Wilson is making Judith's breasts out of clay.
What? You were right about them.
He's crazy about her.
Oh, no.
What do you mean, "Oh, no"? This is what you wanted.
I've just been talking to Judith.
She's having serious doubts about the relationship.
Oh, no.
Judith says that Wilson has a problem with intimacy.
Oh! So he can't Oh.
Oh, God.
Oh! Oh! Well Oh, honey! I mean, I would have never known.
He wouldn't talk about something like that.
No wonder he's got all this Probably an old war injury or something, huh? Not that kind of intimacy! I'm talking about emotional intimacy.
Thank God it's nothing important.
Whoo! He doesn't share his feelings.
She's spent every day the last two weeks with him, and she doesn't know who he is.
I've spent the last and I don't know who he is.
It doesn't hurt our relationship.
I think she wants something more from the relationship.
She wants to go to the next level.
What is it with you women and the "next level"? What's wrong with the level we're on? Just take the elevator and leave us the heck alone.
Hmm? Every time she asks him about himself, all he does is intellectualize or say something weird.
He always says something weird.
That's what makes Wilson Wilson Wilson.
I think you should talk to him.
No, I'm not - You're the only one that's got a chance of getting through to him.
I'm supposed to go talk to that man about emotions and intimacy? Granted, you're not the obvious choice.
But desperate times call for desperate measures.
If he doesn't open up to her, he is gonna lose her.
(grunting) OK, moving to the next level.
Wilson, you home? I'm in the kitchen, Tim, making my haggis.
(sniffs) You know, that stuff doesn't smell half-bad.
Pretty excited about having Judith over for dinner? Oh, yes, indeed.
You really like her? Oh, yes.
Oh, no.
Tim, is there something you want to tell me? No, there's something Jill wants me to tell you.
Uh Judith is having a problem.
What kind of a problem? Is she all right? Oh, she's fine.
The problem is with you.
I don't understand.
Things were going so well.
We even made plans to go to the Megalesia Festival to commemorate the end of the Punic War.
She She says that - that She told Jill that she doesn't even think she knows you.
That every time she tries to get you to open up you just say something intellectual.
Oh, my, my, my.
I must be displaying the symptomatic behavior of the classic male emotional distancer, precipitating her to overfunction in the relationship, therefore causing deep-seated resentment.
So knock it off.
Tim, I don't take easily to personal or emotional revelation.
No guy does.
Opening up emotionally is just a horrible thing women make us do.
Well, Tim, I'm just not sure that I can do that.
Yes, you can.
Just use the word "feel" more.
You know, like, "I feel hungry.
" "I feel tired.
" "I feel big.
" "I feel small.
" "I feel bloated.
" Tim, I think that Judith and I weren't meant to be.
To be or not to be, that is not the question.
You've got to learn how to open up to this woman, otherwise you're gonna be all by yourself at that milk of magnesia festival.
So, are you enjoying your haggis? It's very tender.
What's in this? That is sheep's liver and other assorted organs.
It's very filling.
These are lovely candles.
Well, thank you.
You know, I've always found it fascinating how a candle burns.
The hot flame moves downward, thus melting the wax, which rises through the wick through capillary action Oh, boy, that was dull.
Wilson, I think we should talk.
I know what you're gonna say, Judith.
I haven't been very open to you.
I don't understand why a man who can talk brilliantly about anything can't tell me about the one thing I really want to know.
Well, my family never really talked much about personal matters.
Especially my father, Wilson Wilson Sr.
What was he like? He was a scientist who didn't put too much stock in emotions.
Must have been very difficult to grow up with a man like that.
It was.
You know, I loved my father.
It always hurt me when he kept me at a distance.
And the last thing I ever wanted was to be like him.
But you're not.
You believe that feelings matter.
I know that, because I see the way you care about mine.
You know, Judith I've never been open with a woman since my wife died.
But I would really like to try with you.
I'd like that too.
Well, maybe we can talk about it tomorrow at the Megalesia Festival.
If you still want to go.
I wouldn't want to celebrate the end of the Punic War with anyone else.
Even though I have absolutely no idea what the Punic War was.
Well, actually, it's fascinating.
It was when Rome saved itself by Oh, who the hell cares? They'll have beer.
You know, Judith, not to bore you with more facts but primitive man believed that the air he breathed had magic powers.
I'm not bored.
And when a man and a woman kissed, it was as if their souls were mingling.
Oh, look, Mark.
It's the sister we've always wanted.
Hello, Bradina.
Laugh all you want.
But I've been going out with Jessica for two weeks, and she hasn't noticed one zit.
Yeah, but that doesn't explain the lipstick and the mascara.
Well, I dumped out all Mom's makeup.
Which do you think covers my zits better? Bashful Beige or Nearly Nude? This is too weird.
(doorbell) I got it! Hi.
Is Brad here? Yeah.
He's in the kitchen, putting on his makeup.
Hey, Brad.
Hey, Jessica! What are you doing here? I, um I just thought maybe we could go to practice together.
Well, um Brad, are you trying to cover up that zit on your chin? Oh, man.
I knew I should have gone with Bashful Beige.
No, I think that Bashful Beige is too dark for you.
You'd look better in Posy Pink.
I think I have that.
All right.
Now, guys, you need to remember to apply it gently and blend thoroughly, because you always want that natural boy-next-door look.
There you go.
Good job.

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