Home Improvement s05e03 Episode Script

Her Cheatin' Mind

Welcome to "Gadget Corner.
" We'll show you products to make you go, "Wow," and your wife go: "How are we gonna pay for this stuff?!" Actually, Tim, today's products are something any woman would love to have in her home.
And to demonstrate that for us is Tool Time's very own gadget expert, June Palmer.
Always nice to have you here, June.
Really? How come I haven't been on the show for four years? Budget problems.
But we got it worked out.
- Al's gonna take a cut in pay.
- My pay couldn't get any lower.
So, June, what have you got for us today? Well, first up we have a "Suck-A-Bug.
" Four years and the best you can come up with is "Suck-A-Bug"? It's an easy way to get rid of those annoying pests.
I see you have a bug over here.
You just turn it on - And bye-bye, buggie! - Hey! That's pretty cool, actually.
Rechargable, one-piece styrene.
I like that, Al.
Look at that! No more pests.
This device down here? What's that supposed to do? Dad, we want to sit in for a couple of hands.
I don't want you guys exposed to a man's poker night.
In other words, you don't want us to see you lose.
- I don't always lose, you know! - When was the last time you won? Four years ago when he had that gadget lady on.
Don't you guys have some homework? On your way upstairs let my buddies in, please? Hey, girls! Hey, Tim! - Hey, Harry, Benny, Al.
How you doin'? - Hey, Tim! How'd you get Jill to let us play poker here tonight? She has her book discussion group.
Book discussion group? Sounds interesting.
- What are they discussing? - My guess would be books.
I thought maybe you took an interest in something that was important to your wife.
- Why? - Yeah.
Who cares? It's a wonder you guys have long-term relationships with women.
No, it's a wonder we have a long-term relationship with you.
- Hi, Marty.
- Hi, Marty.
That must be Chris! I'll get it! - Who's Chris? - Some woman in Jill's psych class who's driving her to the book discussion group.
Hey, I like brainy chicks.
You think she'd date me? Guys, this is Chris.
On second thought, I don't need a date that bad.
- And this is my husband, Tim.
- How you doin'? - Hi.
- I've heard a lot about you.
Obviously more than I heard about you.
Can I talk to my wife in private? Excuse us.
Yeah, just That guy is a guy.
You know, now that I look at him, I think you're right.
- I'll see you later.
- You never told me Chris was a guy.
Yes, I did.
We talked about this the other day at the hardware store.
You were with me at the hardware store? Honey, Chris and I are just friends.
There's nothing to worry about, OK? - See you later.
- OK, bye.
Don't take all his money.
Nice to meet you, Chris.
All right, guys, let's play some poker.
- OK, first jack deals.
- Tim, I gotta hand it to you.
You're the only guy I know that lets his wife date.
She's not going on date, all right? I wish my wife would date.
Call me "old-fashioned," but I'd never let my wife go out on a date.
She's not going out on a date, all right? Everybody ante up.
She's going to a book discussion group with a friend.
I'm sure it's purely platonic.
Have you guys heard of a platonic relationship? Yeah.
I got one with my wife.
I've had many relationships with women who were just friends.
Yeah, but not by your choice.
Seven Stud, high-low.
Tim, it doesn't bother you that Jill just walked out of here with that guy? Will you let it go, Marty? She said he's a friend, that's what he is.
A friend.
OK? Yeah, just like she was with that guy helpin' her with her resume.
Oh, yeah, the guy that hit on her right in your own house.
She wasn't interested in that guy, OK? Besides he was better looking than monkey boy.
I thought Chris was a nice-looking man.
Maybe you want to date him.
First stakes.
- A buck.
- Yeah, I'm in.
The most gorgeous women always end up with the ugliest guy.
Yeah, look at you, Marty.
Your wife's a knockout.
You saying I'm ugly? Tim, you think I'm ugly? You got some nice features.
But overall, you're a pretty forgettable guy, really.
- Can we play cards, please? - Good idea, Tim.
Keep your mind off your marriage problems.
- I don't have "marriage problems.
" - I beg to differ.
Another dollar.
You know, if a woman like Nancy could go for a dog like Marty - Now I'm a dog? - then Jill could go for a guy like Chris.
You guys are probably right.
She's having an affair, and then just to top it off she brings him here to meet me and my friends.
She's real shrewd.
I'll give her that.
Buck and a buck better.
Al, you find me attractive, don't ya? Tim? Why do you keep lookin' at your watch? No reason.
- How long ago was Jill due home? - 64 minutes.
Look, I'm sorry, we were just giving you a hard time.
Don't worry.
I'm not worried, Marty.
I want you to know whatever happens I'm here for you.
Thanks, Marty.
Well, I gotta go now.
And why's that, Marty? Because if I'm more than 15 minutes late, Nancy thinks I'm havin' an affair.
Good night, Marty.
- Mark, what are you doin' up? - I was looking for Mom.
Is she home from her date yet? She's not on a date! I'm sorry.
You got a problem with your homework? - Good night, Dad.
- Hold on! Why don't you guys think I can help with the homework? Tell me what you've got.
What's the problem? - I have to define a pronoun.
- Pronoun? That's easy.
Pronoun is a noun that gets paid what an amateur noun would do for free.
I'll just wait for Mom.
Honey, what are you still doin' up? I needed help with my homework.
I have to define a pronoun.
OK, a pronoun is a word that takes the place of a noun.
Like, if you were to say, "It's between you and me.
" "It", "you" and "me" would all be pronouns.
Both definitions are considered acceptable.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Will you please go to bed? Whoa, what a mess! I'll help you clean up.
It's a little late, must've been a long book.
No, the book club ended at ten, but Chris and I have been sitting out in his car talking.
- In front of this house in his car talking? - Is there something wrong with that? You shouldn't be hanging out with single guys.
Especially in a romantic spot like a car! Tim, we were just sitting out in the Camaro talking.
It's no big deal.
I don't care Camaro? What year? I don't know! Tim, there is nothing going on between Chris and me.
We're just friends.
Honey, these days men and women cannot be just friends.
Really? - What about you and Heidi? - Heidi? She's not my friend, she's a co-worker.
To me, Heidi's just Al with less facial hair and a better physique.
Right, I get 'em mixed up myself.
The point is, I wouldn't be sittin' in Heidi's Camaro.
- And if I did, I'd know what year it was.
- Tim, this is a ridiculous conversation.
If you had a female friend who shared your interests, I would not get crazy.
Is that a fact? If I hung out with a beautiful woman that knew about big-block 454s, you'd trust me? - Yeah, I would.
- Now you tell me.
Wilson, what are you doin' up? Well, Tim, I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd come out and squeeze my apples.
It's none of my business, but shouldn't you be doin' that in private? No.
No, no, no, no, no.
Tim, I'm squeezing my apples to see if they're ready to make cider.
- Oh! - Firm finger indentations on the surface of the fruit tells me that the apple is ripe.
Ah! You can tell just by touching.
Speaking of touching do you think it's possible for a man and woman to be friends without it turning physical? - I most certainly do.
- Gotta respect your opinion.
Even though you are outside squeezing your own apples.
You see, many women feel that the most important ingredient in a fulfilled relationship is meaningful conversation.
In the words of the French novelist, Alain Le Sage, "The pleasure of talking is the inextinguishable passion of a woman.
" Which is why we call them the opposite sex: we like sex and they like the opposite.
For a woman, intellectual stimulation with a man can be the strongest bond of all.
That deep connection allows her to think of him as her soul mate.
That's pretty heavy stuff.
Oh, if you're the one who found your soul mate, it certainly is.
You're telling me a guy can make a woman a soul mate by talking to her? It depends on how good the talk is.
Sittin' in the Camaro, talkin' Could be hour and a half It'd have to be a hell of a lot better than that.
- Hey, little buddy.
How was practice? - Fine.
Where have you been? I've been waiting for 20 minutes.
Buckle up.
I had to stop by the bookstore.
Sorry, Dad.
I got hit in the head with the puck.
- I just thought you said "bookstore"! Ha! - I did say bookstore.
Your mom's book discussion group is stopping by the house next week and I'm gonna read the book they're reading.
Why? To prove I'm just as interested in reading as the next guy.
Is the next guy also reading in Dolby Stereo? There's no better way to read a classic than in a classic car.
Pop that thing in.
"Madame Bovary " By Gustave Flaubert A brilliant psychological portrait which searingly depicts a woman's mind in search of transcendence Fast-forward it.
Fast-forward it.
Innocent maidens with tears on their cheeks were kissing turtle doves through the bars of a Gothic cage Fast-forward! Fast-forward! - Little pieces of embroidery - Turn it over! Maybe the other side is better.
Got my favorite tea, Earl Grey.
And since we're reading a French book - voila, French pastries.
- Eclairs? - Of course.
- My favorite! - Hi, everybody! This is my husband, Tim.
- Oh, I already know Chris.
- Nice to see you again, Tim.
And this is Sharon, Jane and Carol.
- Hi.
- Nice to meet you.
"You" is a pronoun, you know.
Ah, tea! Nice cup of tea.
I'm a big tea guy myself.
- You like Earl Grey? - Don't know the guy, Chris.
Jill, you didn't tell us you had such a witty husband.
I didn't know.
- So, don't you have a poker game tonight? - I thought I'd blow it off tonight.
- What? - In the hopes of joining the book group.
Tim, to participate in this book group you have to have read Madame Bovary Ah, yes! Flaubert's brilliant psychological profile of a woman in search of transcendence.
- I think that's a very astute synopsis.
- I've always been an astute synopsizer.
Oh! Excuse me, sorry.
Tim, I don't think this is a good idea.
I think it's wonderful that you have a husband who shares your interests.
You wouldn't catch my husband here.
You're lucky, Jill.
To synopsize what they're saying - they'd like me part of this group.
- Oh, that's a great idea! - OK, good.
OK, why don't I just sit right in here? Whoa! Still warm! Well, let's plunge in.
I was hooked by chapter one.
Can we fast-forward through chapter one? - Go right to chapter ten.
- Why chapter ten? They introduce a character - Lestiboudois.
Who is Lestiboudois? The village handyman.
What an interesting perspective.
I've never heard anyone discuss Madame Bovary from the point of view of the handyman! That's because he has absolutely no relevance to the story.
Au contraire He was the one that set up all the chairs for the fair.
I kind of see what you're saying.
If Lestiboudois hadn't set up the chairs, Madame Bovary would not have been able to sit next to Rodolphe.
My point exactly.
- What's your feeling on Rodolphe, Tim? - Roldolphe, Tim? I'm not real clear on his character at this point.
You don't remember the main love interest in the story? A sensitive man like Tim was probably more drawn to Leon.
Yes, I was.
And, uh, forgive me, Leon was the one that The man that she connected with on a deeper level.
- Madame Bovary's soul mate.
- Soul mate? Madame Bovary was going to leave her dimwitted husband for him.
I didn't like Leon.
I don't like that.
So the only character you liked was the handyman? No.
I think the hero of this fine novel would have to be the husband.
- He was the quintessential dullard.
- Dullard or mallard, I don't care.
She was married and only her husband should be allowed near Madame's ovaries.
Would anybody like more tea? Well, this was a lot of fun.
Thanks for coming.
- What are we going to read next week? - The Fountainhead Plumbing! I'm in! Oh, Chris, Jill won't be needing a ride next week, I'll take her.
- OK.
I'll see you in class tomorrow, Jill? - Yes, yes.
Thank you.
Goodbye! Bye now! Well, that was quite a display you put on here tonight! Yeah, I really wowed 'em with that intellectual razzmatazz, didn't I? You were checking up on me.
- No, I wasn't! - What did you think was gonna happen? That Chris and I were gonna make passionate love in front of the book club? Would have probably been more exciting.
- You didn't have to do that.
- Yes, I did.
I did this to prove that I could be your soul mate.
- What are you talking about? - Soul mate? The person that can talk about stuff you're passionate about? Well, by that definition your soul mate would be the guy who rotates your tires! Now, now, you leave Murray out of this! This is between you and Chris.
Wait a second.
You think that Chris is my soul mate? Yes, I do.
He can talk about stuff I don't know about.
He's taking your mind and leaving me with your body.
Back the soul train up, here.
You're more interested in my mind than my body.
Hey, no one's more surprised than me.
After all these years, why would you think anybody else could be my soul mate? I don't know.
I was talking to Wilson.
We were talking about what women really want.
And then all I could do was picture myself sitting alone in my yard squeezing my apples.
Tim, Chris and I may have some common interests, but it can't compare to what I have with you.
It can't? I share my life with you.
I share my love with you.
All we have to do is look at one another and we know exactly what - the other person is thinking.
- That's true.
If that's not a soul mate I don't know what is.
So what am I thinking right now? That you read Madame Bovary for nothing.
Painful day.
You are my soul mate.
Believe it? Four jacks again, read 'em and weep.
I guess you guys learned a lesson - don't play with the poker champ.
You must be real proud of yourself, Dad.
Wiping out three kids who've never played poker before.
Well, hustle up and get your piggy banks and bring Daddy his money.
- I'll give you an I.
- I'll need some ID.
- After I finish my homework.
- Need any help? No.
Just got a little book to read.
Tale of Two Cities Don't play a tape! Read the book, will ya, Randy? I got the idea from you.
Well, don't tell your mom you got the idea from me.
Don't worry, Dad.
She's not gonna find out.
"A Tale Of Two Cities.
" by Charles Dickens "It was the best of times.
it was the worst of times " It'll be the worst of times for you if you don't turn this o and read the book! I don't care what your father told you.
Hey, fast-forward past that thing.
Sorry, Dad, I got hit in the head with the puck.
- I thought you said bookstore.
- I did say bookstore.
Your mom's book discussion group is What am I thinking right now? You're thinking that you read Madame Bovary for nothing.
Ohh We are soul mates.
- Thank you.
- We're not done yet.
Come on! I was just getting going here! Working up a little steam.

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