Home Improvement s05e16 Episode Script

The Vasectomy One

Welcome back to "Gadget Corner.
" Next, we have an air-powered appliance mover.
This is a very useful device.
I have one of these myself.
It's a way to move furniture without scratching the floor or hurting your back.
The panels are attached to a blower unit.
Marv, close in here.
I'll show you these.
The air is forced into these aluminum air beams.
Which creates enough air pressure to lift weights of up to 700 pounds.
Which is how Al moves his mom room to room.
Can we just Can we just demonstrate this, please? You just sling the unit over your shoulder and turn it on and move your refrigerator effortlessly.
- Wow! - Hey! That is very useful.
You can see how useful this is, but it only will raise it about an inch and a quarter.
What happens if you have to move it up a step? Well, then you would do it the old- fashioned way - by the sweat of your brow.
Let me show you how I'll do it.
Heidi, my slightly tweaked furniture mover, please.
- Here you go, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
With the few modifications I've made on this, I'll now be able to lift that thing about a foot and a half.
Help me out here.
All right! Thank you, Heidi.
Just switch her on.
There you go.
Lift it Oh! Ohh! Hey, Brad, guess what I got.
The girls' "best and worst" list.
- I can't believe you got that.
- What is it? The girls in high school pass around this list of what they like about guys, like best hair, best eyes, best personality And guess who has best butt.
No way.
Let me see.
Look all you want.
Not your butt, idiot.
The list.
I can't believe I'm not on here.
How could I lose "best eyebrows" to Joey Pagoonis? He only has one.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Mom.
Why are you standing like that? Just appreciating a work of art.
- Are the kids getting weirder? - They've moved way past weird.
They're into that frightening category now.
Wait until I tell you about what I found out at school today.
You know my friend Patty? That woman you like 'cause she's older than you? Get a load of this.
She's pregnant.
- That's great.
- Patty doesn't think so.
She's 43 years old.
She's got teenagers.
She was thrilled to be back at school, and now everything's gonna change.
Well, maybe Patty and Mr.
Patty should have used some precautions.
They were using precautions.
The same kind we use.
Oh, no.
I wouldn't want to find myself in that boat.
I wouldn't want to find myself in that harbor.
Tim we're pretty much in agreement that our family is complete, right? No more frightening weirdos.
- Are you sure? - Positive.
Maybe we should think about some more definitive action, something permanent.
Separate bedrooms? Tim That's great.
You want a more permanent solution, you have my total support.
Honey, I'm talking about you getting a vasectomy.
You you you've lost my support.
I thought you meant tube-tying.
Well, I am talking about tube-tying, except it's your tubes.
You can back up that clip ship right now.
Honey, it is much safer for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.
Says who? The Wives with Knives Club? Look, if I do this, I have to check into the hospital, go under general anesthetic and have surgery.
But a man has a vasectomy right there in the doctor's office.
It's much less invasive.
Let me tell you something.
Any time you're dealing with the downtown area it's pretty darn invasive.
My gynecologist gave me the name of a very good urologist.
Can we just go talk to this Dr.
Kaplan? Why are we slamming the door on having more kids, anyway? A minute ago you weren't crazy about the ones we have.
You called them frightening.
I said it in a very positive light.
I love those little guys.
Hey, kids, get down here! Daddy wants to tell you how much he loves you! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Marty.
- Hey, Benny.
- Hey, Marty.
Nice sweater.
That reminds me of something - when one of the kids spit up after eating a whole box of crayons.
That's very funny.
Who dresses you? Your wife? She didn't dress me.
She just bought it and made me wear it.
You are getting very henpecked, Martin.
Speaking of "pecked," I heard about your little visit with the urologist tomorrow.
Marty, that's not public information, OK? - What's the matter? Are you sick? - No.
- Huh? - Mm-mm.
It's your prostate, right? Mine's as big as a Florida grapefruit.
- No.
Jill's making Tim get a vasectomy.
- Marty! - A vasectomy? - Wow.
Oh, my God! Jill's getting you fixed? I'm not getting a vasectomy.
I'm just talking about it.
Yeah, well, all I know is I'd never let Nancy let me get clipped.
You know? I mean, who'd want someone coming at you with a set of these? That's not what they use! Then what does the vet use to cut them off? What? You don't go to a vet - you go to a doctor.
They don't cut anything off.
They just tie something off inside.
I would still never get a vasectomy.
Well, why would you need one? Yeah, well, all I know is once you have that happen, you're you're a changed man.
You are not.
It doesn't change you at all.
Tell that to my dog.
We had Boomer neutered.
He was a changed animal.
All he does now is he just runs around in circles all day and chews on my slippers.
- He always did that.
- Yeah.
But now he does it and he's got this real sad look on his face.
I don't want to talk about this.
You'd better talk about it now 'cause after you get it done, you're gonna be talking like this.
You can be your own tool girl.
That's real funny, guys.
I think you're all being very insensitive.
A vasectomy is a noble way for a man to take responsibility.
Tim is making a very loving choice.
Shut up, Al.
What do you do, Al? Sit on the can all day reading Ladies Home Journal? Hey, Tim, pass me the potato chips, would ya? - Do I look like a waiter to you? - Forget the chips.
Got any nuts? We should go.
I don't think the doctor will be here.
Honey, it's only been about 30 seconds.
Really? It seems like a lot longer, doesn't it? Harold, get back here! Another happy customer.
Hi, Mr.
and Mrs.
I'm Dr.
I'll be with you in a minute.
Harold! - You brought me here to see a woman? - I didn't know she was a woman.
My gynecologist just said that Dr.
Kaplan was the best urologist in town.
How am I supposed to talk to a woman about what's going on in manland? Manland? Now you got a theme park between your legs? Honey, you don't have to have the surgery done by a woman.
But as long as we're here, we should listen to what she has to say.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
So, what brings you here today? We're interested in a vasectomy.
She's more interested than I am.
That's not uncommon.
But let me assure you, this is a very safe procedure.
It's done right here in the office.
What if I change my mind? In some cases it can be reversed, but you shouldn't count on that as an option.
I mean change my mind about being here, which I think I have.
Tim, Tim, Tim, wait, wait, wait.
Um My husband, I think, is just concerned about how this is gonna affect his performance.
Honey! Let me handle this.
You see, I put on a good show.
I just want to make sure the curtain doesn't come down in the middle of the first act.
This will not in any way affect your sexual function.
- We simply cut off the flow of sperm - Oh, boy.
to prevent it from entering the seminal stream.
So, I'm fishing without bait now.
No bait.
- Tell us what's involved in the procedure.
- Yeah, I'm dying to hear this.
The morning of your appointment, you'll have to shave in the area where I'll be making the incisions.
Shave? Here? - It's just a routine procedure.
- Not in my house it's not.
What do you think? I wake up, brush my teeth and shave ping and pong? Well, you could go to a barber, but it might be a little awkward.
The first thing I do is give you a shot that's a local.
Local, like here in Detroit? - No.
Local like here in your scrotum.
- Oh, boy.
- That does sting for a few seconds.
- You think? Then I make two small cuts, and simply divide and tie up the tubes.
The discomfort is very minimal.
Why don't you tell that to the boys in the basement? You'll be back to normal in a few days.
The only restriction is you can't drive home that day.
What? I can't drive? Forget about it.
What do you mean, "Forget about it"? Honey, honestly, I was really into it up to that point.
The driving thing iced it.
It's just one day! It's bad enough to separate a man from his sperm.
But separate a man from his car? That's inhuman.
Harold, wait up.
Aren't you getting tired of looking at your butt? Surprisingly, no.
Let me tell you something no one's ever gonna tell you in life.
Looks matter and I got 'em.
Just too bad you're sitting on 'em.
- Hi, Brad.
- Hey.
Seriously, aren't my eyebrows better than Joey's? Yeah.
I told you I voted for you.
I can't believe I lost to a guy with a caterpillar over his eyes.
- Hey, Brad, Angela.
- Hey, Randy.
How are you? Great.
You happen to see the latest list? You know, I made "best butt.
" I heard.
Allison Lewis was having a fight with her boyfriend, who has the cutest butt, because he was talking to Tiffany Fink, so she made up this list and instead of putting his butt on it, she picked out the scrawniest butt - yours.
- Maybe I shouldn't have told you that.
- You think? Sorry.
I'm so embarrassed.
Why didn't you tell me he didn't know? - Because - I wouldn't have said anything, because I'm usually careful about what comes out of my mouth.
Tim, didn't you hear one word that doctor said? Yeah, yeah! She wants to take the zip-a-dee out of my doo-dah.
Look, I know how hard it was for you to even talk to that doctor.
But I had hoped that once we left, we could have a rational discussion about it.
We did in the car on the way home.
All you did all the way home was come up with one ridiculous excuse after another.
Not true.
I merely said that, for this sort of thing, it might be better to wait for warmer weather.
I'll knit you a little sweater.
You heard her.
Shots, shaving? You don't understand about the pain down there.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait a minute! I don't understand about the pain down there? I, who had three children ripped from my loins in what is laughingly described as "natural" childbirth? Oh, boy.
Here we go.
The pain of childbirth.
Isn't there a statute of limitations on this? Isn't there a statute of limitations on you being a bonehead? You are unwilling to accept responsibility for what I have accepted total responsibility for since we met! This is not about accepting responsibility.
This is about me being neutered and chewing on my slippers.
Who said anything about you being neutered? - Certain experts I talked to.
- Harry and Benny? Where did they get their degrees? University of I'm An Idiot? Well, they may be idiots, but they think exactly like I do.
- Oh, is that you, neighbor? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hi, Wilson.
What are you doing? I'm gathering some twigs for my terrarium.
It's mating time for my new spiders.
It's a little-known fact, but the male spider's sex organ is located at the end of one of its legs.
Better keep that spider away from Jill.
He won't have a leg to stand on.
I'm not sure I follow.
She wants, um she wants me to have a vasectomy.
Ah, I follow.
I know a lot of guys get them.
I'm not one of those guys.
I don't want anybody messing you know with the, you know.
Well, Tim, it's perfectly natural for a man to be proud of his virility.
It gives him a sense of power to be able to pass down his genes.
I like power in my genes.
In fact, in many cultures, a man is measured by his ability to procreate.
In the Zulu tribe of KwaZulu-Natal, the more children a man has, the higher his status.
I don't want to have more children.
I just like knowing that I can.
When Jill first told me she was pregnant, I never felt more like a man.
Well, that's perfectly understandable.
I knew a guy would understand.
I also understand there are lots of other things that make you a man.
Such as? Well, the way you live your life, take care of your kids your commitment to Jill.
So I should get a vasectomy? Oh, Tim, I can't tell you what to do.
I do know if I had a vasectomy, I would not feel like any less of a man.
Well, if you had one, neither would I.
Hey, Tim.
What are you doing here? Did you guys come up with another vasectomy joke? Uh, actually we came up with 12.
But that's not why I'm here.
I, uh I came by to apologize for the other day.
We were a little rough on you.
Hey, no kidding.
- Harry, I can take a joke, OK? - Yeah.
You know, Tim, lots of guys have had vasectomies, and they're just as manly as they ever were.
Oh, yeah? You name one.
- Me.
- Wha? Yeah.
I had one five years ago.
Really? At least we know it doesn't make your voice get any higher.
Actually, it did.
If you got a vasectomy, why didn't you say something the other day? Oh, in front of those jerks? Look how they went after you.
I can't believe you had a vasectomy.
Delores wanted to have her tubes tied, and she was really scared about the operation.
You know, she's been through childbirth four times, and I've been to Nam.
I've been shot, stabbed, kicked, bit, mortared, bombed.
I figured, hey, what's a snip or two? You know, this is amazing.
Really amazing.
You know a guy all your life and you don't know what's going on under his pants.
You know, just between you and me, there's nothing to it.
You feel the same as you did before.
The only difference is your sex life.
- What happens to it? - Any time, any place.
Any time, any place.
- You got it.
- So this helped your relationship? Well, nothing could help our relationship.
But our sex life is a lot better.
This morning I was getting ready to go to work, and Delores came in with curlers in her hair, and nothing else Harry, you've helped enough.
I'd love to stay, but I promised my mom I'd be home by 5:30.
and if I'm late, she'll lecture me and she goes on and on and on.
You can't get a word in edgewise.
I don't know if you know any people like that.
- Just one.
- See ya.
- Bye.
- Hi.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Whoo! - Smells good.
What are we eating? - Takeout.
Ah, my favorite.
- I think I'm ready to talk.
- About? About what you want to talk about that I didn't want to talk about.
- The vasectomy? - Yup.
I think the trouble I'm having is that even though I don't want any more children, the thought that I can't would kind of make me feel like Less of a man.
That would be it.
Tim, if I had my tubes tied, would you see me as less of a woman? - No.
- Why should it be any different for you? And why would it be any different for me? If you did this, not only would you be protecting me from surgery, but you'd be making a real commitment to me and our relationship.
In my eyes, that makes you more of a man.
I want to be more of a man.
- What do you think? - I think I have more questions.
Such as what? Do they make a home kit so I can do it right here in the garage? I don't think so.
- Could this be your birthday present? - Absolutely, yeah.
For once, I wouldn't have to stand in line and return it.
And while I'm preparing for this, will you go out and find me a very, very mild aftershave? - Yeah, I'll work on that.
- Gotta be careful about slapping it on, too.
- We're going to the park.
- We'll be back in a bit.
- OK, dinner's at six.
- All right.
We'll be here.
All right.
Honey I don't know if this vasectomy was such a good idea.
Sure it was.
Anywhere, any time.
- Kitchen counter? - No, no, no.
The attic.
That was too dusty.
Maybe we should try someplace we haven't been in a while.
- The bedroom! - Bedroom! Um While I'm preparing for this, will you go out and find me a very mild aftershave? I'd work on it, yes.
Remind me not to use toilet paper if I nick myself.

Previous EpisodeNext Episode