Home Improvement s05e18 Episode Script

When Harry Kept Delores

- We have a very special Tool Time today.
- Yeah, we do! Making a rare TV appearance, one of the biggest superstars we've had on this show.
I want you to give a warm Tool Time welcome to a 1950 customized Mercury.
Not bad, huh? Actually, this is not our guest today.
Our special guest is the man that owns this car.
- Oh, him.
- Yes.
He happens to be the Country Music Association's "Entertainer of the Year.
" Let's have a big Tool Time welcome for a great singing star and fellow Al, Mr.
Alan Jackson.
That's quite a car.
Who did the customizing for you? - I thought you were taller than that.
- I look bigger on TV.
- Joe Bailon.
- Joe Bailon! He's a classic customizer.
One of the best.
Could get him on the show for us? Tim, Mr.
Jackson is here because he has graciously offered to sing us a song.
- All right.
Sing for me.
- I got a Mercury song, "Mercury Blues.
" You want to see Alan sing "Mercury Blues"? Yeah! # Well, if I had money, I tell you what I'd do # I'd go downtown and buy a Mercury or two # Crazy about a Mercury # Lord, I'm crazy about a Mercury # I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road # Well, a girl I love, stole her from a friend # He got lucky, stole her back again # She heard he had a Mercury # Yeah, she's crazy about a Mercury # I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road # Well, hey, now, Mama, you look so fine # Riding around in your Mercury '49 # Crazy about a Mercury # Yeah, she's crazy about a Mercury # I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road # Well, if I had money, I tell you what I'd do # I'd go downtown and buy a Mercury or two # Crazy about a Mercury # Lord, have mercy I'm crazy about a Mercury # I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road # I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road # Yeah, I'm gonna buy me a Mercury and cruise it up and down the road Ladies and gentlemen, Alan Jackson! How come you're having people over for dinner? I thought you hated that.
It's a social obligation.
Harry and Delores had us for dinner.
So, we're having them.
Then they'll want us again.
And we'll have them.
Then us, then them, and then us again.
It's it's kind of a vicious cycle, actually.
- Can't you do anything to stop the cycle? - Nope.
My generation is doomed.
My only hope is that you young people can finally put an end to this madness.
We'll get right on it right after we patch up that little hole in the ozone layer.
I'll get it.
- Hi, Mark.
- Hi, guys.
See you later.
- Oh, aren't you boys joining us? - Dad said we didn't have to stay.
- Hey, did he mention if I have to? - Very nice, Harry.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Jill.
Can I get you guys something to drink? Yeah.
I can use a drink after a day like today.
- Why? What happened? - I woke up and Delores was next to me.
Well, the view from my side wasn't exactly a Kodak moment.
- Thanks.
- The family well? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Little Jimmy out of that reform school yet? No, but he and his buddies are working on a plan.
- Would you like to sit down? - Sure.
So, what else is new? Well, they cut my hours back at the coffee shop from full-time to one day a week.
Oh, Delores, I'm so sorry.
Of course, they didn't take any hours away from the younger, prettier waitress.
She's 60 years old! They didn't take any of her time because she's nicer than you.
I'm nice! Tim and Jill think I'm nice! Don't you think I'm nice? - Oh, yeah.
So nice.
- Yes.
You give new meaning to the word "nice.
" So, Delores, does this mean that you have to look for a new job now? Yeah.
Of course I wouldn't have to if Harry ran the hardware store more efficiently.
What's wrong with the way I run the hardware store? In a nutshell - everything.
You let your lazy, bum friends hang out and buy nothing.
I should work there.
- I don't want you anywhere near my store.
- I'd whip it in shape and double the profits.
Let me jump in.
Harry's hardware store is not just a place to buy things.
It's also a place where men hang out.
Women don't belong there.
Really, Tim? Where do women belong? A woman's hangout.
Beauty parlor.
Yarn Barn.
If Delores wants to work in the hardware store, I see no reason why she shouldn't.
Thank you for your support, Jill.
Delores, it'll be a cold day in July before you get anywhere near my hardware store! Guess what, Harry.
Summer's coming early this year! Let's eat! Bye, Harry! Bye, Delores! Harry, slow down the car so Delores can get in! - That went well.
- Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
- For what? - For trying to ruin the hardware store.
That's like the last refuge I have on this planet.
I thought that was the bathroom.
Why did you tell her it was a great idea to work in the store? Because I think it is.
What do you do in the hardware store that you can't do when Delores is there? - Guy stuff.
- What kind of guy stuff? - I can't tell you.
It's secret guy stuff.
- Oh! Please.
All you guys do is hang around the store all day and complain about your wives.
Who told? Gotta be some doughnuts in here someplace.
- Hey, Benny! I found it! - Great.
You freeloaders! You got five minutes to buy something.
Otherwise, you're out on your fat rumps! Brings a soft, gentle quality to the hardware store.
Being around her is depressing.
I have half a mind to go out and look for a job.
How do you think I feel? I'm part owner, and she makes me feel like a stock boy.
Hey, stocky boy! Run across the street and get me some hot tea.
Yeah, "stocky boy.
" Remember how she likes it - two sugars and a big lump of arsenic.
- Hey, guys.
- Guess your day's going better than ours.
Guess again.
The Mustang's in the shop.
I'm driving Jill's Nomad.
I hate driving her car.
I get in there no gas, hasn't been washed in months.
Cookie crumbs in the front seat.
Why can't she take care of a car? Could it be that she's a tad busy going to school, raising three kids and making sure you have a nice house to come home to? Could be.
This is unbelievable! Something's wrong with this country if you can't walk in a hardware store and complain about your wife! I can't find anything back there! Delores insisted on filing the clamps alphabetically.
- You gotta do that by size.
- She thinks size doesn't matter.
Lucky for you.
Now, see? That's the kind of joke we can't tell anymore with Delores around here.
- Do something about your wife.
- What do you expect me to do? Stand up to her.
You faced the enemy in Nam, didn't you? Yeah, well, they were only trying to kill me, not run my life.
- Come on, you can do it! - You can do it.
Harry! Harry! Harry! Harry Hey! Hey! Why don't you Neanderthals take the pep rally back to the cave? No retreat, no surrender.
Delores, I want to talk to you! Oh, really? What about? About you taking a hike.
I don't want you working in my hardware store anymore! - Why? Because your friends don't like it? - It's not that we don't like it - Why are you getting in our business? - Because you're in my business! - Good point.
- No one asked you.
Also a good point.
Harry, you've gotta decide who comes first - your stupid friends or me.
When you put it that way, my stupid friends! All right, Harry.
Keep your hardware store.
I'm outta here, and I'm not coming back.
- Is that a promise? - Yeah.
And I'll promise you another thing.
When you get home tonight, I'm not gonna be there either! Wait a minute.
Delores, hold on Harry, come on.
Aren't you gonna go after her? I think she's serious about leaving you.
One can only hope.
Man, is it great having the hardware store back.
What a relief.
I was this close to looking at the want ads.
Hey, guys.
Talk to Harry? Is he here? No.
He overslept.
Said it was the first time in 25 years he didn't have Delores's face to shock him awake.
Guys, this means they really split up.
He must feel terrible.
# Oh, what a beautiful morning # Oh, what a beautiful day # I've got a beautiful feeling Hi, guys.
Hey, how are you doing here? Oh, man! I feel like a million bucks! Yeah, Harry's pain's really overwhelming him.
Hey, Benny.
Look what I got you.
Your favorite - doughnuts with sprinkles.
All right! Thanks, Harry.
- Harry, you sure you feel all right? - I feel great.
In fact, I'm in such a good mood, I'm gonna give you half off on that saber saw.
Aw, hell! Just take it.
Harry Um Harry, you've been married 25 years, man.
You gotta feel a little bad about this.
Huh? Yeah, you're right, Tim.
I I do feel bad that it didn't happen 24 years ago! - Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
This is so nice.
It's a thank-you note from Delores for having them over for dinner.
- Why is it only from Delores? - Because men hate to write these.
You get a thank-you note from a man, you know his wife is dead.
We're guys.
How come you make us write thank-you notes? Because I'm trying to change the world one boy at a time.
- We'll be sure to send you a thank-you.
- Hmm.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Got a thank-you note from Delores.
- That'll be the last one from her.
Stopped by the hardware store.
They are splitting up.
- Oh, no.
That's awful.
- You wouldn't know that talking to Harry.
He's acting like this is the greatest thing that happened to him.
- He is? - Yeah.
You know what? I'm not buying it.
They argue a lot, yes.
He loves her.
Deep down this guy is hurting.
- Oh, my God! - What happened? Did you just hear yourself? You had an insight! - Me? - Yes.
And it was incredibly sensitive.
Instead of taking Harry's behavior at face value, you looked deeper and saw his inner pain.
I didn't mean to.
I swear to God I didn't mean to do that.
- You know what's happening, don't you? - No.
You're evolving.
No, I'm not! And you take that back! - It's true.
You are.
- Now, now, now.
You're just saying that because you want to believe that you married a deep guy.
- No, I don't.
- Yes! You're just trying to prove that you married somebody different than your father.
Wow! What? That was an even more profound insight than the one that you had about Harry! I can't stop myself.
What's happening to me? You're becoming insightful.
Oh, no.
Don't fight it, Tim.
Come over to our side.
Oh, no.
You and your kind have done enough damage already.
- Hi, Wilson.
- Well, hidy-ho, good neighbor.
I was just on my way over there to wish you and Jill a happy Terminalia Day.
- Happy Terminalia Day? - Mm-hmm.
- What's this one all about? - Ah, Terminalia Day.
This is a Roman festival where neighbors bond with each other in order to promote the spirit of community.
How do they do that? Well, traditionally, they slaughter a suckling pig and then they splatter their fences with its blood.
Well, I've slaughtered a marriage this week.
Bring on the pig! - Trouble with you and Jill? - No.
Trouble with Harry and Delores.
You're telling me that Delores and Harry may bid each other a not-so-fond adieu.
This has nothing to do with a bowl of hot cheese.
I gathered that, Tim.
This is about a couple that shouldn't split up.
He's singing about it.
But I know differently.
I know somewhere this guy still loves her.
I know that! Tim, that is so insightful.
Don't start with me.
Just give me some advice on how I can help my friend Harry.
- Well, have you tried talking to him? - Yes, I've tried talking to him.
I've been to the store.
But he acts like nothing's going on.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Tim, I'm reminded of the French author, Andre Gide, who wrote: "It is not by plugging away at a difficulty that one can overcome it.
Often it's by working on the difficulty next to it.
" Ah! I did not know that.
If you're having trouble getting through to Harry, why don't you try to approach Delores? - Oh, talk to Delores.
- Mm-hmm.
I could do that.
Or shove my head in a bench grinder.
I'll be right with you.
- What do you want? - I want to talk about Harry.
Sorry, that's not on the menu.
What's it gonna be? - Ever since you left, Harry's not himself.
- I'm heartbroken.
Now, just order something and leave me a big tip.
I'll have eggs.
He really misses you.
- Scrambled or fried? - Scrambled.
He's a mess.
- How do you know? - The way he's been acting.
He's moping around, huh? Well, in a singingdancingmoping kind of way.
He's singing and dancing now that I'm gone? I know that sounds bad.
But covering because he really misses you.
Of course he misses me.
What's not to miss? - Miss, could I get a little more coffee? - When I'm good and ready! I might have said things that made the situation worse.
I hate to see a good marriage go bad.
What does a good marriage have to do with me and Harry? I know Harry still loves you.
I can tell by the twinkle in your eye that you love him.
It's pinkeye.
You want toast? No.
If Harry misses me so much, why doesn't he come down here and tell me himself? You know how stubborn he can be.
- Uh, what about my coffee? - What? Your legs broken? - Is that decaf? - Is that what you want? - Yes.
- Then that's what it is.
When you end your shift, why don't you go to the store and talk to him? - I don't know.
- I've known Harry a long time.
I've never known him to go a day without bad-mouthing you.
That's supposed to make me want him back? Yes, it is.
'Cause that's the real Harry.
You know he doesn't mean any of that stuff.
This happy Harry is putting on a show and unfortunately it's a musical.
- So, you think he's really miserable, huh? - Yeah, I do.
Well, maybe when my shift is over, I'll go talk to him.
Well why don't you go now? I'll cover for you.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I mean, there's nothing to it.
Just pick up the orders and give them to the customers.
- OK.
- And make sure to smile.
People don't like a sourpuss.
You know, Tim, I never realized you were such a sensitive guy.
Yeah, me neither.
I've had a very bad week.
- It's 8:30.
You must be exhausted.
- Oh, boy! You bet I am.
I had no idea Delores's shift was 12 hours.
- So, are she and Harry back together? - Mm-hmm.
I explained to her how Harry was feeling, she went down to the store to talk to him, and they're gonna work things out.
Tim, I I can't tell you how impressed I am by the emotional depth that I've seen in you lately.
You know, I've always had this sneaky, yet slightly disturbing, suspicion that there actually might be something to me.
I knew it all along.
I might be hiding my depth because I'm afraid it might separate me from the shallow people I'm most comfortable with.
Who are you talking about? You find this threatening, intimidating, don't you? Well, just get used to it.
Because I'm finding the deeper I go, the more riches I discover.
Tim You know, you can go too far with this.
I think you should keep your insights to just one a month.
I don't think I can do that.
Oh, come on.
Bring me back my old Tim.
Grunt for me.
I'll give it a shot.
ar I don't think that's It's not happening, honey.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah! He's back.
Uh, excuse me.
She forgot my doughnut.
Really? No one finished that one.
OK You must be the pancakes, and you're the fruit.
Hey! I don't go for that sort of thing!
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