Home Improvement s05e25 Episode Script

Alarmed By Burglars

- Hi! - Hi there.
Did you get my spaghetti made? I have to make it to that potluck Oh, my God! What is that? That is the Binford 6100 Commercial Vacu-Hood.
The residential version only has a one-horsepower blower motor.
This bad boy has ten horsepower.
What do you think? - Impressive.
- Thanks.
Take it down.
- You don't even know what you have here.
- I asked you for a simple little exhaust fan.
Well, this simple little exhaust fan will suck Take it down.
You want stinky air? I live with it in the bedroom.
I can live with it in the kitchen.
- What was that? - Uh Just just testing it out.
Where's my spaghetti? I have to take it to Ypsilanti! It's probably already there.
Oh, man! Hey.
You know my parents don't like you coming here when I'm studying.
Just thought you'd like to know - big party at Lisa Beldon's on Saturday night.
I can't go.
I have to study for history finals all weekend.
Not necessarily.
You're talking to someone that can get you a preview copy of that test.
- Really? - It's my final exam clearance sale.
Everything must go.
The deals are insane.
- What if my parents find out? - The parents never find out.
I deliver late at night and slip it under the door.
Hey, Brad.
Some of that spaghetti got all the way across the street into Doc Johnson's Buick.
- Hi, Mr.
- Hello, Jason.
Brad, we talked about Jason coming over.
I didn't come to see Brad.
Came to see you! - Is that a fact, Jason? - Yeah.
I just wanted to ask your advice on power tools.
I'm thinking of buying my first one.
Really? What kind? - A seven-and-a-quarter-inch circular saw.
- Really? Yeah.
Something with a combination blade.
All right! That's good for crosscutting and rip-cutting.
But you want to get yourself a fine-tooth finish blade for precise cuts.
- Stainless steel? - I'd go with the carbide tip.
Thank you.
Well, I gotta get home and watch today's Tool Time I tape 'em all.
Don't be such a stranger around here, Jason.
Boy, oh, boy.
I love that kid.
- There's a policeman in Wilson's yard.
- I see.
I hope everything's all right.
Stay here, please.
- Wilson, what happened? - Well, Tim, I'm afraid I had a break-in.
- Are you all right? - I'm shook up.
Luckily I wasn't here when it happened.
This is Officer Guidry.
Officer, this is my neighbor, Tim Taylor.
- How are you doing? - Oh, yeah.
I've seen your show.
- It's always nice to meet a fan.
- Who said I was a fan? Boy! I cannot believe this happened.
They took some of my most valued possessions.
- What'd they get? A TV? Stereo? - No, no, no.
Much worse than that.
Number one, they took my cheek extender from Fiji.
Number two, they took my stuffed cow's hoof.
But the thing that really makes me feel violated is they took my African mucous cup.
They always take the good stuff.
How am I gonna write this up? I mean, what's an African mucous cup worth? Well, not much here in Detroit.
But in Africa you can get six goats and a virgin.
- Hey, Marty.
Hey, Harry.
- Hey, Tim.
- Benny.
- Hey, Tim.
Just how I love my coffee - poured by somebody else.
Thank you, Ben.
- Hi, Tim.
- Hey, Al.
Hey, guys.
Hear the news? Wilson was robbed today.
- Really? - Oh, no! - Is he all right? - Well, you know, physically, yeah.
I hope they didn't get his mucous cup.
What the hell is a mucous cup? It's an earthenware goblet from Africa that's used as a spittoon for excess phlegm.
You sure seem to know a lot about a mucous cup.
Were you on the crime scene eleven or so this morning? Yeah, Al.
Everybody knows you always dreamed of owning a complete set of mucous-ware.
No matter how much I covet a mucous cup, I would never steal one.
Hey, Tim.
Didn't Wilson have a security system or something? I don't think so.
I have the best security system in the world - I own nothing of value.
Hey, I got an even better one.
My wife Delores.
Burglar takes a look at her with no makeup, he's scared straight.
- You know, I don't have a security system.
- Huh.
Hey! Maybe it's time the Tool Man had his own security system.
Oh, boy! I've been waiting for this day a long time.
All right, all right, all right.
- Tim buying an alarm system? Ka-ching.
- Yeah.
This is gonna be good.
The Tim Taylor High-Security Compound.
It's gonna be the only home with first-strike capability.
What do you got? A surveillance camera with ultrasensitive microphones.
- Let me have a dozen.
- All right.
You need a master pad to tie that system together.
- Get that.
- And get those infrared motion sensors.
- They're over here.
- 144 of those.
A gross, make it.
- Don't forget the siren.
- Get me a couple sirens.
I'll pull the big truck around front.
We'll load up.
Where are the keys? This will be the biggest thing you've done, bigger than the hood vent in the kitchen.
Oh, way bigger! Whoa, whoa.
Why did you bring that up? - Wait a minute.
What's wrong? - Jill made me take that thing out.
And I promised her I wouldn't go overboard in any other installations.
What are you saying, Tim? I'm saying it's probably a better idea to just go with a basic unit.
The chances of that happening! Guys, I'm serious.
I'm serious.
I think it's time the Tool Man just scaled back a bit.
Yeah, right.
That would be like Babe Ruth bunting.
Raquel Welch wearing a parka.
Benny picking up a check.
It would be like my mother going to a buffet and only having a salad.
Did I say that? - Hi.
- Aah! Aah! - Why were we yelling? - I'm sorry.
I'm just a little jumpy.
Wilson got robbed.
That's why I bought an alarm for the house.
- You did? - Yes.
But you'd be proud of me.
I got a base-down, stripped unit.
Bottom-of-the-line, very simple.
- Bottom-of-the-line? - Bottom-of-the-line.
Almost an empty box.
- What are you, crazy? - What? Do you care nothing about your family? - What? - Well, the kids are alone all the time now.
Mark is terrified.
You come home with this toy? - Do you want something bigger? - Yes! Yes! - I want something much, much bigger! - Well, uh Am I in the right house? Look, if this can happen to Wilson, it can happen to us! I want floodlights, surveillance cameras, uh, uh, uh panic buttons, uh, uh, the works, everything! You know, I am getting very excited.
I hope this isn't just a big tease.
I am not teasing you.
I am turning you loose to buy the biggest, most powerful security system that money can buy.
Ohh I will even allow you to do a Tool Time remote in the house.
I have never loved you as much as I do at this moment.
Be back in a while.
If I was to buy the answers to the test, how much would it cost? For you? 30 bucks.
Did I say thir? I meant 20.
- All right.
I guess that's a deal.
- Now, remember Under the door around midnight.
Everybody this way.
Why don't you bring it on down in the family room? Over there by the fireplace.
- Come on in.
Let's go.
Keep it moving.
- OK.
That's good.
All right.
Hey, Jase.
How's that new saw? Saw? Oh, just fine.
Very sharp.
You guys have to get out of the room.
We're doing a Tool Time here.
You're doing an actual Tool Time right here in the house? - I bet you'd like to watch.
- I wish I could.
But finals are starting Monday.
And that's always a very hectic time for me.
Keep your nose to the grindstone.
I will.
And if I ever buy a grindstone, I assure you it'll be a Binford.
Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Welcome to a very special Tool Time live from the home of our star, Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo-hoo! Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
We're gonna show you how to install a high-tech, super-charged security system.
That's right.
The first thing is to determine what areas of your home are most vulnerable to a break-in.
But since the only thing Al can break into is a sweat we've invited a reformed burglar to help us out.
I'd like to welcome on the show, Sammy "the Snake" Nash.
- Welcome, Sammy.
- Thanks.
It's a pleasure to be in your home.
You have some beautiful things in here.
- And I'd like to keep them in here.
- I'm not into that anymore.
Because I understand your parole officer watches the show every night.
All right.
Well, Sammy, where would you like to begin? With the obvious, Al.
The front door.
I'll step outside.
You lock it up.
And we'll see just how secure it is.
I think the old Samster's in for a little surprise.
That's a solid oak door.
I installed a rim-proof, jimmy-proof lock, which I call pretty much impenetrable.
Pretty much.
Unless you're foolish enough not to use the deadbolt.
Then someone could open it with a credit card.
Well, good way to wreck your credit card.
Actually, I wrecked yours.
All right.
Hmm Let's step out into the backyard and see if there are any vulnerable places out there.
You've watched us install one of the most advanced security systems.
Next, pick a secret password and provide that to your security company.
Pick a word that's easy to remember, perhaps has a special meaning for you, like the name of a pet or a loved one.
For instance, I picked "saber saw.
" Perhaps now you'd like to choose a word that our viewing audience hasn't heard.
And for all you criminals out there, it might not be another tool.
It might be a car.
- See you next time on Tool Time - Bye now.
OK, let's move it out.
Take that belt.
You guys move it.
Get it back to the studio so we can get it wrapped up.
- See you in the morning.
- All right, buddy.
- We're all set.
- Great.
Show me how it works.
Now, this is the downstairs panel.
You can operate the entire system from this panel alone on simple 21 buttons.
- 21 buttons.
- That's right.
21 buttons, 18 zones.
That's right.
It's very simple.
If you want to leave the house and set the system in gear, you press "arm-command" "36824-star-7.
" OK? All right now, if you're in the house during the day and you do not want the motion sensors on, which is a great idea - "arm-command-A3423423.
" Simple, yeah? "Star-bypass-pound-6.
" Are you with me so far? I lost you after you said, "This is the downstairs panel.
" Once you use it, you'll find this very easy to use.
What if the motion sensors are on, but I want to go downstairs to get something to eat? Um Well, you can't.
- I can't? What am I supposed to do? - What are you supposed to do? Oh.
Keep a ham by the bed.
I've almost got this.
Before going to sleep at night, I press "arm-command-5863," "perimeter-instant-2-star-4.
" Oh, OK.
" I think I could use one of those mucous cups.
- I'll never be able to work this.
- You'll get it.
There's one last security measure we gotta do before bed.
What? I'll have to frisk you.
What's the password? "Please.
" Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - There's someone downstairs! - Uh, uh - Stay here.
I'll go down there.
I'll get him.
- Here, wait! Take this.
What am I gonna do - style him to death? Who's down there? Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! - Dad! - Brad! What are you doing down here? This thing's going crazy.
I can't turn it off.
Honey, it's OK.
It's just Brad.
" Look at that! Boy, that was loud.
Why are you hugging yourself? It it just feels right.
Everybody go back to bed.
The alarm won't go back on.
All right.
Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Get away from the house! The police are on their way! Tim! Don't panic! Oh, good God! How much longer must I endure this madness? Bells and whistles and little men popping up at all hours of the night? I am so sorry.
I don't want to upset you.
You're the only neighbor speaking to us.
Well, I am about one siren blast away from going over to the other side.
I'm about ready to join you.
How could you let Tim put in such a ridiculous alarm system? Well, it was actually my idea.
- Your idea? - Yeah.
After you got robbed, I got scared.
I started imaging horrible things happening to the family.
Crazy people lurking behind every door, scaring the kids, taking all our stuff.
You thought that, with a state-of-the-art alarm system, you'd no longer be afraid.
Well, yeah.
But now all I'm afraid of is setting off this insane system! Well, Jill, I wouldn't worry about it.
As the physicist Edward Teller told me over borscht at the Russian Tea Room, total security has never been available to anyone.
To expect it is unrealistic.
To imagine that it can exist is an invite to disaster.
Well, this week would qualify as a complete disaster.
I wish we could scale this thing back.
But I can't ask him to do that after he's put all this effort into it.
Why don't you present him with a petition signed by all his neighbors who are sleep-deprived? Wilson, you know nobody in this neighborhood ever signs anything.
Well, Jill, there's always a first time.
All right, all right.
I think I've got the inside sensors figured out.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Hey.
What do you got? A petition from all the neighbors angry about your security system.
Joe Paduro? That guy lives, like, four blocks away.
Well, I think he's still angry about being hit by the spaghetti.
Tim, we gotta talk about scaling this thing back.
You know, this was partly your idea.
I'll figure it out as soon as I can get these motion detectors Hey! Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Last week we showed you how to install a state-of-the-art security system.
Today we'll show you how to install a more modest system.
And for people whose neighbors signed a huge petition.
We eliminated 17 or 18 zones and went with a much smaller control panel.
Now we have only one security camera situated over the front door.
There you go.
See that picture? Very nice.
That's my son Brad with a good friend, Jason.
Jason just bought his first circular saw.
- You want your money back? - I decided not to cheat on the test - Why not? - Well.
first of all it's wrong And if my parents caught me.
they'd kill me They'd never catch on specially your dad He still thinks I bought a saw and that I tape Tool Time I mean Well, you don't have to tape Tool Time now, Jason, because you're on it live.
And I'll be sending this tape to your folks.
Did I mention I'm an orphan, sir? I think I love you no mo One more time.
"I love you more at this moment than ever.
" Something like that.
"I've never loved you as much as I do at this moment!" Here we go.
You're you're doing a Tool Time right here in this house? Oh, yeah.
Whew! Wow.
That would be your line.
Would it?
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