Home Improvement s06e13 Episode Script

The Flirting Game

Hi again, and welcome back to Tool Time.
Where we continue our look at antique tools.
These beautiful, handcrafted, antique tools.
Came from a time when more power meant manpower.
Now, over here, we have two pedal-powered machines.
This happens to be a pedal-powered scroll saw.
Over here is a lathe.
Let me show you how this works.
Take a seat here.
Now, say you're making a table leg.
You're making a table leg.
It's like an exercise bike.
While you're shaping your leg, your leg's getting shaped.
Now, over here we have an old rope-making machine.
You simply turn the crank and three pieces of twine become one piece of rope.
In the time before television, families would sit around the rope machine and watch knots landing.
- Tell us about this, Al.
- Well, this is an old hog oiler.
Now, how does this compare with the one in your mom's house? You see, the way these work is the hog comes up and it rubs against the rollers like so.
And the skin becomes moist.
So, the hog actually looks at this as kind of an "oinkment.
" Well, here's another tool I'm hog-wild about.
This is an antique sausage stuffer.
Very simple.
The casing goes on this end, put your ground-up meat in here, push the plunger down and you got yourself a custom-made kielbasa.
Very few moving parts.
It's a nice, well-made tool.
- That's it for antique tools - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not so fast.
You think we'd end this without me showing the audience how I make my own personal brand of sausage? I prayed.
Well, I got an old Taylor family recipe.
Put the meat in the hopper up here.
I use a lean pork shoulder.
Little bit of garlic, onion, chives.
Then to make it spicy, I go with a little cayenne pepper.
I guarantee spicy.
Jalapeno pepper and a little chili powder.
Sounds like it's gonna be tough on the tummy.
Way ahead of you, Al.
I've got some secret ingredients to help prevent that.
All right.
We go with a little bit of Maalox.
Just a touch.
A little bit of this pink stuff just for a dash of color.
How about that? Just a touch of Gas Be Gone.
Poof! And a little bit of Beano.
A soup‡on of Beano.
And just for safety's sake, I wouldn't eat this stuff near an open flame.
That would Four o'clock is great.
Thank you.
All right! I got that interview for the research job in the Psych department.
Where you work in the basement, no windows, no pay? Yes! God, I hope I get it! I got it.
- Hello.
- Hello.
I'd like to speak to the man or the woman of the house.
I'm the man of the house.
May I ask what you're using to solve your tough cleaning problems? His mother.
What have I told you about talking to solicitors, Brad? You want to be as warm and friendly as possible.
- I'll handle this.
- But, Dad - Brad.
- Uh, I go to Lakeside High.
Stop by sometime.
It's filthy.
It's cold.
Why don't you step inside? Thank you.
Uh, what are you selling? Liquid Wonder, the amazing new multi-purpose dirt destroyer.
Cleans grease, woodwork, patio furniture, mini-blinds and, oh, so much more.
I got a case of Binford cleaner in the garage.
But Liquid Wonder has fast-acting sodium metasilicate.
What is that? The most potent cleaning ingredient the government allows on the market.
God bless America, huh? - I'll take one.
- Just one? Case.
- That will be $40.
- OK.
Thank you so much.
Well, $40 for a case of this cleaner, it's a steal.
It's a steal, all right.
What's that supposed to mean? Tim, that woman flirted with you so you'd buy her product.
You fell for it.
I didn't fall for anything.
I wanted some cleaner and to help my country.
You have a whole garage full of Binford cleaner.
But not like this.
Honey, this is the most powerful cleaning agent approved for use during peacetime.
Would you have bought that if it had been a man? Yes.
As long as it had sodium Metamucil in it.
Um, has Jill Taylor come out of her interview yet? Because, uh, she's giving me a ride home.
I'm running late.
I'm always running late.
I don't know what it is with me.
I'm the receptionist.
I don't care what it is with you.
- Yeah.
- It went well.
They're gonna bring me to meet Matthews.
Well, you're a shoo-in.
You know more about psychology than half of the professors here.
How do you know so much about abnormal behavior? Have you met my husband? If I get this job, not only will I get to work with Dr.
Matthews, but my name will be on a research paper.
I hate to tell you, but your name is also gonna be on a speeding ticket.
Oh, no! I can't believe this.
I have never gotten a ticket.
Good evening, ma'am.
May I please see your driver's license and registration? Oh, yes, sir.
Absolutely, sir.
It's here somewhere.
Let me see.
Uh, glasses, uh, hair brush, coupons, uh - Tic Tac? - Just the license and registration.
Uh, I'll have a Tic Tac.
Ma'am, I clocked you at 75 miles an hour.
The maximum speed limit is 65.
I understand, officer.
I am so sorry.
I never speed.
It's just I was so excited about this job interview I just came from.
If I get this, my name will be on a research paper on the effects of adolescent anti-social behavior on inner-family dynamics.
But I guess you've heard that story a thousand times.
Just tonight.
Officer, um, I know this isn't standard procedure, but could you possibly find it in your heart to just let me off with a warning? Officer, I will never speed again.
You think you can really be more careful from now on? I promise.
Well, I guess I can make an exception and let you off just this once.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much! Don't mention it to anybody.
Oh, no.
Good night.
Boy, was that lucky! Luck had nothing to do with it.
He would have let you off with a dead body in the back.
What are you talking about? I am talking about that incredible job of flirting - you just pulled off on that cop.
- I was not flirting.
Oh, you weren't flirting? What was the hair flip thing about? - My hair was in my face.
- Oh, really? What about you flashed your butt to get your license? - What about that? - I was just reaching for my purse.
And how about when you gave him those helpless little-girl eyes? "Officer, I'll never speed again.
" Oh, my God! You're right.
I was flirting.
You were brilliant.
I can't believe I did that! I just had this argument with Tim about how disgusting it is when women manipulate men that way.
- God, I hate myself.
- Well, I hate you too.
I tried to flirt my way out of a ticket once.
I got another one for indecent exposure.
I don't want to talk about it.
- Why do we have to clean all day? - Because I like a clean house.
Because you got suckered into buying Lemon-scented water with sodium meta-silverfish in it.
Now, come on.
Clean the garage.
- Good evening again.
- Officer? I hate to disturb you, Mrs.
Taylor, but I walked off with your driver's license and registration.
Oh! Thank you.
Wait, officer.
Um, I've been thinking a lot about what happened today, and I'm really angry at myself for what I did.
Then you won't speed the next time.
No, wait, wait.
Um, I know this is unusual.
But I would feel a lot better if you would just go ahead and give me that speeding ticket.
Sorry, ma'am.
If I give you a ticket, then I'll have to give a ticket to everybody who wanted one.
- There is an explanation.
- I'm dying to hear it, you know? To the untrained ear, this is gonna sound ridiculous, but it sounded like you were begging a Michigan state trooper to give you a speeding ticket.
I wasn't begging.
I was just asking for what is rightfully mine.
I was speeding and he let me off with a warning.
Ah! So you invited him over here in the hopes that he reconsider.
He was bringing me back my driver's license.
Huh? There's some part of the picture missing here.
OK, Tim, I flirted to get out of a ticket.
Really? Really.
I'm worse than the the Liquid Wonder woman.
No, no.
She was flirting to sell cleaner.
Your flirting brought down the entire criminal justice system.
- Congratulations! - Tim, it was entirely subconscious.
- I'm ashamed of what I did.
- Don't be ashamed of it.
You give the guy a wink and you keep our insurance rates down.
- I wish I could do that.
- What are you talking about? If I had great legs, I could drive as fast as I wanted to.
You are entirely missing the point! The point is if I were a sexy woman, my life would be a lot easier.
And mine would be a lot more screwed up.
Hidy-ho, neighborette.
May I ask why you thrash your trash? I flirted to get out of a traffic ticket today.
I sunk to the level of that saleswoman who sold Tim a whole case of useless cleaner.
Oh, you mean Liquid Wonder? I bought a whole case myself.
From the Liquid Wonder tramp? Well, that is no way to talk about Cathy.
Oh, Wilson.
Well, Jill, unfortunately, everybody, at some time or another, is susceptible to the wiles of the opposite sex.
Well, I come from the old school of feminism.
I don't want to be wily.
I wasn't even aware I was flirting with that cop.
For all I know, I may have been doing it in that job interview I had.
Unfortunately, in many societies, women are at a disadvantage, so that subconsciously, or consciously, they flirt in order to level the playing field.
In other words, you guys own the stadium, and we're the pom-pom girls.
Well, I didn't make the rules.
I'm just on the winning team.
The whole thing stinks.
Well, I know who would agree with you.
Charlotte Whitten, the Canadian feminist.
She said that whatever women do, they have to do twice as well as men in order to be thought half as good.
I don't mind working twice as hard.
It's these stupid games I don't want to have to play.
And I'm not gonna let myself do it anymore.
You men are so lucky you don't have to do that stuff.
- Well, sometimes we do it anyway.
- Ah, not you, Wilson.
Oh, it's true.
Whenever I want that special book from Shirley the librarian, I roguishly flash my baby blues and eloquently quote the Greek philosophers.
I disgust myself, but I always get the book.
Well, we finally managed to use up all the Liquid Wonder.
One more bottle.
- Wow, Mom.
You look nice.
- Thank you.
Who died? I'm not going to a funeral.
I have my interview with Dr.
I'm trying to look serious and professional.
Hey, guys.
I'm taking Whoa, mama! - What? - Guys, go finish cleaning the garage.
- Can't.
We're out of Liquid Wonder.
- Use the Binford crap.
I've never seen you in that suit.
You look hot.
I don't look hot.
I look serious and professional.
Come on, baby.
Spin for daddy.
What is the matter with you? This is not sexy.
- I am almost completely covered up.
- That's what's sexy about it.
It gets me thinking about what you got covered up.
Well, maybe I should just wear, you know, a longer skirt.
Even sexier.
Mystery of the unknown.
I could wear my burgundy pantsuit.
That's conservative.
Nothing turns a man on more than conservative.
Remember what a fan I used to be of Barbara Bush? You are unbelievable! I should just go to this interview in my ratty old bathrobe and a shower cap.
The blue one with the ducks on it? Yeah! Hello.
Um, I'm Jill Taylor.
I have an appointment with Dr.
Oh, he's just finishing with the other candidate.
It shouldn't be long.
Thank you.
Thanks for coming in, Brenda.
I enjoyed meeting you.
And I'll be making my decision later today.
Thanks, Dr.
I know I can do a great job for you.
- Mrs.
Taylor? - Oh, Jill.
Call me Jill.
I'll be with you in just a minute, Jill.
I need to return a quick phone call.
Do you know anything about that woman? I know that she has a 4.
0 average and a skirt that's five inches too short.
What are you doing? I'm cashing in my pom-poms for the keys to the stadium.
Jill? Hi.
I'm just gonna need a few more minutes here.
- Dr.
- Back to our old look, are we? Yes, we are.
You know, I wavered for a minute there.
But, um, the truth is I object to women who flaunt their sexuality to get something.
I know because I have been one of those women at least three times this week.
I'm not sure I follow.
Look, I don't want to get this job based on how well I flirt.
I have worked too hard for that.
I have excellent grades, top skills in data analysis and research.
I have led three study groups.
There is not a professor that wouldn't give me a reference.
- Jill - If I get this job, I want it to be based on merit and not on this.
What makes you so sure I'm not gonna base this on merit? Well, I don't know that.
I mean, I'm not, you know, absolutely sure.
OK, here's the deal.
This all started when my husband bought this Wonder Cleaning stuff from this sexy saleswoman.
She was doing that hair flip thing.
And then I got stopped for speeding.
And I did the hair flip thing.
Then I saw Brenda.
She's doing the hair flip, so Jill, this may shock you, but there are men who hire women based on qualifications and not on how well they flirt.
And you would be one of those men.
It is so nice to meet you.
I knew the moment I saw you you would be a man of great character and wisdom.
And I don't hire based on flattery either.
No, of course not! So, even though I thought I blew it, he gave me the job based on my qualifications.
I'm very proud of you.
And here is to the new job.
Thank you.
So I hope you learned something from all of this.
Yes yes, of course.
What did you learn? Isn't it enough that I learned something? Do I have to explain it? You should've learned that a woman doesn't have to flirt to get what she wants.
She can move ahead in her life with talent, honesty and determination, and hard work, and Are you listening to anything I'm saying? Hm? I'm sorry.
But that bun is driving me crazy.
- The bun? - And that granny get-up.
Hoo-haw! Oh, no! No, no, no, no! Good evening, sir.
Good evening.
It's downright balmy for January, isn't it, officer? May I see your license and registration? Of course.
Yes, of course.
They're in my jeans.
They're kind of tight, though.
Sir, I clocked you going 50 miles per hour.
The maximum speed is 35.
I'm afraid I'll have to give you a ticket.
Hold on a minute.
You know I'm, um I'm terribly sorry.
And if you gave me a warning, you know, I I promise I'd never do it again.
Sorry, sir.
The law is the law.
But I'm sure you have the power to make an exception.
Sir, get out of the vehicle.
I'm going to administer a sobriety test.
Your garage is full of Binford cleaner.
But this cleaner has the most powerful cleaning agent approved for your You have a whole ga garage full of Binford cleaner.
Yeah, but not like this, honey.
This is the most powerful cleaning solvent that, uh
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