Home Improvement s07e04 Episode Script

Pump You Up

Oh! What a day! Huh, Mark? Mark.
Mark! Mark, what are you listening to? "Pus and Boots"? With their new hit single, Smell the Hell.
You gotta be kidding.
Nice lyrics.
"I hate you.
You're garbage.
I'm puking.
You're garbage.
" Which reminds me, you forgot to take out the garbage.
- Hey, everybody.
- Hi.
Hi, guys.
Look at this.
Brad got a letter from the University of North Carolina.
Here's an uplifting tune: I Feel the Fungus.
It's from North Carolina.
This is that scout that was at practice the other day.
He says he's looking at me for a soccer scholarship.
University of North Carolina? That's not in Michigan.
I have a chance at playing for the Tar Heels.
Awesome! - Awesome.
All right! - Yeah.
This is great! Now remember though, you have two more years of school.
Keep that grade-point average up.
That's right.
It's like when those technical schools were romancing me, I didn't want to let my grades go down.
They couldn't go down.
I'm gonna work harder than ever.
I've got something to shoot for.
- Congratulations.
- I'm gonna call Jason.
A scholarship.
Do you know what that would mean? He's gonna get a great education.
Oh, yeah! But with the money we'd save, I could start another hot rod.
Tim, if Brad is lucky enough to get a scholarship, we're not gonna be buying any cars.
We have two more kids times four more years of college.
You do the math.
I married you so I wouldn't have to do the math.
Hello? It's Cathy and Greg.
Oh, no.
Uh oh, you want to get together next Friday? - No, no, no.
- No, we can't.
We're busy.
What are we busy doing? We're, uh, sawing wood.
Dinner, Randy.
We're sawing wood for dinner.
You see, we make a table, then we eat off it.
No, no, no.
We'll let you know when we're free.
- That was close.
- Yeah.
Why are you trying to avoid these people? Cathy Simms and Greg Clark, the most annoying kids at school.
They're like a married couple.
Since they heard we were together, they've been bugging us to double-date.
I think they smell our fear.
Randy, it's not really nice to duck people.
Oh, well, you would know, being one of the all-time great couple-duckers.
- Me? I am not a couple-ducker.
- Oh, come on, Mom! The Goodmans? For a month we couldn't turn on our lights so they wouldn't know we were back from vacation.
We don't know what to do.
We're desperate.
Now, I don't really condone this.
But if you have to avoid somebody, here's what you do.
Whenever they want to get together, be agreeable but vague.
Use phrases like, uh, "after the holidays" or "when things settle down.
" Oh, if you run into them unexpectedly, be sure that you have some emergency you have to deal with.
This family, you don't even have to make that up.
- Thanks.
- Welcome.
- You ready to go to the mall? - Sure.
- Oh, when are you guys gonna be back? - Oh, you know, when things settle down.
Honey, you should've seen Brad at soccer practice.
He was incredible! - I was the bomb! - No, you were the man! - I'm the man! Ooh! - Hey! Ow! Chest bumping.
Something you'd never see two women do.
I'd pay a lot of money to see it though.
Coach Martino seemed pretty excited - about that letter.
- We're all excited about it.
But remember what he said.
They send out 300 letters, but only five kids get the scholarships.
How do I make sure I'm one of those five? Come on.
You gotta work harder than the other 295.
- Pay attention to your trainer.
- I don't have a personal trainer.
You do now.
Drop and give me 20.
Blow it out! Seventeen! Come on! Eighteen! Push it! Nineteen! Good! Twenty.
Lock it up.
Put another plate on.
One more set! Come on! - Dad, another set? I'm kind of tired.
- Tired? Look, we've got a goal.
We've gotta do everything we can.
What do we want? - Scholarship.
- How are we gonna get it? - Hard work.
- I can't hear you! - Hard work! - Can't hear! - Hard work! - I can't hear you! I heard you! Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! - That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo! Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you, Heidi! Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And of course you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
Well, today Al and I join you for our Tool Time salute Oi! My back! to fitness.
And who better to help us out than those lean, mean construction machines from Bay City? The boys from K&B Construction! Bring 'em out! Let's hear it for Rock, Pete and Dwayne! Hey! Hey, buddy! - All right! - How are you, buddy? All right.
- It's good to see you.
- Always great to be here, Timmy.
All right.
What do you guys do to stay in shape? Well, not as much as you might think, Tim.
Pete's idea of a workout is the old one-armed doughnut curl.
Is, um, fitness a big deal at K&B Construction? Ah, it's job one, Timmy.
According to researchers at K&B R and D, being in shape can help prevent injuries at the workplace.
The only way I can prevent injuries in our workplace is if Tim calls in sick.
That's a good one, Al! You know, Tim, studies have shown that hammering or any repetitive movement with the hand can cause carpal tunnel syndrome.
To prevent this, my exercise program goes something like this.
Be sure to consult a physician before starting a strenuous exercise program.
Rock, what do you do to stay in shape? Well, during lunch breaks, I teach Jazzercise.
That doesn't sound too manly, Rock.
We do it 80 stories up on a steel girder.
Well, that'll put wind in your leotard.
Speaking of leotards, it's time to introduce our guest, a professional bodybuilder.
Not just a professional, a three-time world champion.
Here at Cobo Hall at the fitness show.
Heidi, my bodybuilder, please.
Miss Cory Everson! Ah, it's very good to have you on the show.
- Thank you.
- Cory's here to show us how - to prevent injuries at work.
- Yes.
One of the leading injuries in the workplace is injury to the low back, because you're using improper mechanics.
Proper body mechanics.
Use your legs to lift, not your back.
And never rotate and torque your spine.
That's what happened.
There's some men that probably don't think women can lift the iron with the men, you know? I'm not one of them.
But just for the sake of argument, do you want to go mano to womano? You want to compete against me? - Yeah.
- You do know I'm a professional? I could've gone pro.
I wanted to keep my eligibility open for the Olympics.
Gluing a Board to Your Head? I remember that! Yeah! Do you guys wonder why it's been three years since I've had you on the show? - Let's get to it.
- Tim, she looks pretty strong.
I think she could bench press us.
And, by the way, anytime.
OK, let's try a nice light weight.
Let's say 130 pounds.
- OK, looks good to me.
- Use your legs.
Come on, Timbo.
Oh! - Yeah! - All right, Timmy! Your turn, Cory.
- What was that? - What was what? Maybe you're not as strong as you thought.
Just hold on a second.
I just need a better grip.
Maybe you need the help of a big strong man? Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah! You shaved two seconds off your last try.
Now some ball-handling.
All right? Use your eyes.
Use your eyes.
Come on.
- Yeah, yeah! - Brad, it's Friday night.
Wouldrt you rather be out having fun? No, Mom.
Can't have fun.
Dad says I need work on my ball control.
I'm gonna keep doing it so I can score more goals.
This kid's gonna be a superstar, right, honey? - I guess so.
- I can't hear you! Tim, come inside.
I want to talk to you for a minute.
- Don't slow down.
I'll be right back.
- All right.
Don't you think you're being a little hard on him? He loves this stuff.
Keep your knees up! Soccer has been fun.
I don't want you working him to death and turning it into a chore.
This is the difference between you and me.
You look at the glass, you say it's half empty.
I look at the glass and I say it's broken.
Hi, sweetie.
Mom, can you open this can? My nails are still wet.
Why did you paint your nails black? Why did you paint yours pink? Oh, OK.
I get it.
I get it.
You're trying to express yourself.
It's just part of growing up.
I think it's really cool.
Yeah, in fact, you know what? I think they look great.
God help me! - Hi, guys.
How's it going? - Hey, Mrs.
The couple we've been avoiding cornered us after school.
We got a double-date with Cathy and Greg tonight.
What happened to the excuses I gave you? Shot down one by one.
I should've asked Dad how he ducks people.
He doesn't have to worry about it.
He's the one people are ducking.
Sorry I'm late.
Got hung up at work.
We can catch the second half of the game.
- OK, I'm ready.
- Look what I had made.
- "Goal Brad Goal.
" - Hey.
If your kid's a winner, you gotta flaunt it.
- What are you doing home? - Coach kicked me off the team.
Why did the coach kick you off the team? - I told him off when he benched me.
- Why did he bench you? More importantly, who are you to tell your coach off? Mom, we were up six to nothing thanks to me.
Then our coach gets this idea he should put in the crappy players.
- The crappy players? - I'm just trying to build up my stats.
I had three goals and it wasrt half-time.
I don't care if you had three Three goals at half-time? I don't care if you had 600 goals.
The coach runs the team, Brad.
The coach wouldn't have a team without me.
Me, me, me, me, me! When did you become the center of your own universe? Why don't you ask your shirt? Shirts don't talk.
Dad, we've worked so hard for this.
You gotta talk some sense into my coach.
No way your father's going in to talk.
- I'll talk to his coach.
- Thank you.
I'll tell him my kid was wrong.
He deserves to be kicked off the team.
- Now you're bailing.
- No.
Don't start this.
- I see how it is.
- Hold on.
I thought we were in this together.
You know what? I was wrong.
What is with him? Where did he get the idea I'd approve of him disobeying coach? I don't know.
Maybe it had something to do with "Brad, you're awesome.
" "Brad, you're the bomb.
" "I can't hear you!" Oh! You're blaming this on me? I'm not just blaming you.
I blame every man who thinks sports are the only thing that matters.
I blame the press for writing about winners.
The networks for making every game seem like life and death.
I blame the advertisers who only care about selling beer and $200 sneakers.
You're a rather angry woman, aren't you? Seventeen, 18, 19 Easy there, neighbor.
You might end up herniating your nucleus pulposus and end up with articulopathy.
- What? - A pain in your butt.
Is your yoga class over, Wilson? Yeah.
Thought I might continue on with weight training.
You know, firm and toned.
Why don't you try covered and hidden? Yah! So where's Brad? I thought you were training him.
I was.
He got kicked off the soccer team for mouthing off at the coach.
I wonder if I'm putting too much pressure on him.
You know, Tim, my father and I went through the same thing together.
- You played soccer? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
You know, I was quite a prodigy, but my father used to pressure me to practice five hours a day.
And that pressure brought on one of the darkest days of my life.
Tim, at the Saint Patrick's Day Parade, I showboated.
Without shame, I drowned out the entire All-City Leprechaun Choir.
- That reminds me of the time - Tim, we're talking about me.
My father realized that his badgering was partly the cause of my behavior.
- What did he do about it? - Well, he lightened up.
Said, "Do your best.
If you're not the greatest bagpipe player in the world, it's OK.
" Oh, Tim, I felt so much better.
I sat right down.
I wrote a letter of apology to each and every leprechaun.
Did you have to write really, really tiny? No, Tim.
I didn't.
Up against the wall, punk.
And spread 'em! Very funny, Dad.
Turn that thing off for a minute.
I want to talk to you.
- There's nothing to talk about.
- Yeah, there is.
I want to talk about teamwork.
Um, you know Barry Sanders, one of the greatest running backs alive.
Not much without his offensive line.
Michael Andretti, great driver.
Not much without his pit crew.
Michael Jordan Bad example.
Um I know what you're trying to say.
It's too late.
I'm off the team.
Listen for a minute.
The reason I wanted the scholarship so bad for you is because you have great athletic ability.
You know, I never played sports when I was your age.
Yeah, I know.
Grandma says you stunk.
It wasrt because I stunk.
I wasrt interested in sports.
Said you couldn't catch a ball to save your life.
- It wasrt because - Two left feet.
Let me tell you something about Grandma.
Grandma, great! What a role model! Threw like a girl all the time! And oh, oh, oh! It was always passed-down clothes for me! You try playing football in tap shoes! Try that! Dad! Dad! - Let's forget about Grandma! - Yeah.
Her cube steak and stewed tomato dinner Going out to football games I couldn't even think, I had so much gas! OK.
The reason I wanted you to do this is because you're good at soccer.
I wanted you to realize your potential.
- That's what I want.
- But none of that will happen unless you show good judgment and respect for other people.
- So I guess I blew it.
- No.
We both blew it.
I got too excited about this scholarship and I put too much pressure on you.
- So what do we do now? - What do we do now? - I say we talk to your coach.
- What if he doesn't take me back? I think he will.
You gotta apologize.
I do a little explaining.
Huh? - Thanks, Dad.
- You bet.
If it doesn't work out, I know a guy that can set you up with a bagpipe scholarship.
It's just really great that you guys finally found the time to get together - with Greg and me.
- You're not an easy couple to pin down.
And yet you managed to catch us.
So how's your double-date going? Remember how I told you Cathy and Greg were the most annoying people in school? - Uh-huh.
- They're the most annoying on Earth.
Cathy and I can't wait to go bowling with you guys.
I have a 180 average.
- Oh, Greg.
You're so showy.
- I'm not showy.
She always brings this up.
- I do not.
- Please! Last Thursday night with Dan and Irene? What was that? You know what? Don't start with me.
- You started with me.
- This is a nightmare.
Well, look at the bright side.
The bowling alley closes in five-and-a-half hours.
- Let's go bowling! - This is it.
We're sunk.
So I'm ready to go bowling.
How about you guys? You're coming with us? Oh, I always go on all of Randy's dates.
A boy needs his mother.
- That's right.
- Lauren, you're OK with this? Yeah, I think it's great.
You know, on really special occasions, his grandmother comes too.
Just me and my women.
- I realized I can't go bowling.
- You can't? - I forgot my shoe inserts.
- Oh! - We should do this another time.
- Yeah.
Sometime after the holidays.
- When things settle down.
- I'll call you.
- OK.
- OK.
- Bye-bye.
- It was nice to meet you.
I don't think you'll have to worry about ducking Cathy and Greg anymore.
Thank you, Mrs.
You know, you are so much cooler than my parents.
- I am? - Yeah.
They have this thing about lying.
They think it's wrong.
That's why I love my mom.
Three, four! One, two, three, four! One, two, three, four! Hammer, hammer, hammer, hammer! And a Jack, jack, jack.
Jack, jack, jack.
Saw, saw, saw, saw! And one, two, three, four! One, two, three, four! Rivetdance! Huh! Lord of the Rivets! Huh! And one and two and three and four and five and six and seven, eight! One and two and three and four and five and six and seven, huh! Whoo!
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