Home Improvement s07e06 Episode Script

The Niece

Put down that shade.
I don't want Wilson to know about the surprise party.
You won't believe who just RSVP'd.
Albert Einsteirs nephew, Corky.
- Corky Einstein? - Yeah.
He and Wilson went to sleep-away camp together.
Let's not forget the most important guest at this birthday party.
Wilsors niece.
Oh, yeah.
Her too, but the '53 Studebaker she's driving down here.
- That was Wilsors dad's car.
- His mom was gonna sell it.
But I convinced her to give it to Wilson instead.
It's a fabulous idea, I think.
And as his birthday present to Wilson, he's gonna fix it all up.
You know, maybe if I click my heels together, I can get back to Kansas before dinner.
That's a really good idea.
Is Wilsors mom coming? No, no.
She couldn't make it.
She's in Nebraska chasing twisters.
Hey, everybody! I got the photo! Ooh, I can't wait to see this picture of Wilson as a little boy.
There's the Studebaker! Will you not drool over the Studebaker and spend a couple minutes - being polite to Wilsors niece? - All right, I'll wait.
Hi, I'm Willow.
Hi, I'm Jill.
It is so nice to meet you.
Come on in.
Meet the family.
This is, uh No, wait.
Let me guess.
I'm picking up a vibe here.
Brad, Randy, Mark.
And judging by the scent of Pennzoil, you must be Tim.
It's 10-W30 all-weather.
- Can I take your bag? Whatever? - Yeah.
Willow Wilson.
Cool name.
My full name is Willow Branch Leaf Wilson.
But I pruned it back.
Can I get you anything? No, that's all right.
I had a butterscotch rice cake in the car.
Eating in a classic Studebaker? I'll get the crumbs out of there with my car vac.
Wilsors told us so much about you.
He said that you were a German Philosophy major.
It was a great stepping stone to the work I do now.
- What do you do now? - Give massages.
Very cool.
I'll get it.
What exactly is the connection between German Philosophy and massage? Read a little Nietzsche and see how tense you get.
- Ah! - Hold on a minute.
Just a minute.
- Willow, it's, uh It's for you.
- Oh, yeah.
I gave your number to a few people.
Is it David, Felipe or Cameron? Is it David, Felipe or Cameron? OK, OK.
Settle down.
Ugh! I don't want to talk to him.
He's an insensitive egomaniac who refuses to share his feelings.
She won't talk to you because you're a guy.
Hey, Wilson.
Could you help me with the hot rod? Well, the boys can't.
They're being punished.
So's Jill.
Just take a minute.
Please? OK, great.
He'll be here in a couple of minutes! My relationship with Sergei was outwardly passionate but inwardly cold.
I'm sure you've been in relationships like that.
Wilsors coming! Willow, Willow, come! Um, hide out in the garage.
Duck down in the car.
When you pop up, don't block the view of the dashboard.
Hey, Wilson.
Hey, you gotta watch your step because we've had an electrical problem.
How badly was Tim hurt? Surprise! - Gotcha! - Oh, my gosh! Look at all these people! Corky Einstein from bunk seven! I can't believe all of you did this for me! Wilson, you mean so much to me and to everybody in this room.
- Oh, thank you, Jill.
- Hey, Wilson, come with me.
I got a great surprise.
Come on! Come on! - Happy Birthday, Wilson! - Were you surprised? All right, all right! Come here! Come here! Oh, my! It's a '53 Studebaker.
It's a '53 Studebaker Commander.
V8 engine, automatic tranny.
- Tim, this is my father's car.
- Happy birthday, Wilson.
How did you get it here? I drove it.
Surprise, Uncle Wilson.
Willow! Oh, Willow! What a perfect present! We'll knock out the bumps and fix the electrical system.
No, I was talking about my niece.
It has been so long since I've been around family.
It is so good to see you.
It's great to see you too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Let's take a ride in the car! Well, maybe later.
Right now I've gotta catch up with my long lost niece.
What about the long lost car?! Oh, Rolf.
Thank you for taking time out from your psychiatry practice.
- Did you have a good time? - I'm not sure.
I'll go home and analyze myself and get back to you.
My mom and dad were hippies.
They split up right after I was born.
I lived with my mom in Berkeley and then with my dad in Kathmandu.
- I was moving all the time.
- I know what that's like.
My dad was an Army colonel and we were always moving around to bases.
Probably some of the ones my mom tried to shut down.
So where do you live now? I'm staying with friends in Chicago.
But it's just another temporary stop.
I'd love to be able to put down roots somewhere.
You're lucky to be able to have such a nice family.
I bet it feels great to be grounded.
Yeah, especially when Tim's doing electrical work.
All right, guys.
Finished with the dishes.
Who wants to go stare at the Studebaker? - No, thanks.
- Pass.
I think I'd rather do the dishes again.
Excuse me, Jill.
I need to go call the airport about my flight to Chicago.
- I'll be right back.
- OK.
Oh, great punch.
Great presents.
Great party.
Oh, Jill, it was so hard to say goodbye.
Well, maybe you shouldn't say goodbye to everybody.
- What do you mean? - I was just talking to Willow, and she really wants to set down roots somewhere.
And I know this guy who lives alone and could probably use some company.
Well, I don't think she and Al would get along together.
Honey, I'm talking about you.
Well, nothing would make me happier than to have Willow move in with me.
Why would a vibrant young woman want to live with her middle-aged uncle? Wilson, you are not some old fogy.
You're fun and you're family to her.
Well, I got a flight first thing in the morning.
You mind taking me to the airport, Uncle Wilson? Well, not at all, unless you'd like to stay in Detroit for a while with me? Wow! That's really nice.
I don't know what to say.
"Yes" would be good.
I've got tons of space.
I could clear out my Tiki room.
The Tiki room.
That is a great room.
And the parrot that lives in there now just doesn't appreciate it.
I should warn you I'm not the easiest person to live with.
I keep very odd hours and I'm a little eccentric.
So is the parrot.
Well, I'd be willing if you would.
What do you say? - Tell Polly to pack her bags! - Yeah! Let's go for a ride in the Studebaker.
I can't talk about the Studebaker.
Willow's moving in, and I've got to get her settled.
Willow's moving in? It took a lot of work to get the Studebaker here.
He wants to spend time with his niece? Tim, I know it sounds ridiculous, but to some people, family is more important than cars.
Well, immediate family, sure.
But Willow is just his brother's daughter.
The Studebaker is his father's car.
You should be happy for Wilson.
He's finally got some family in his life.
Oh, finally? What am I, smoked chub? Where did he get the idea he needed family anyway? Jill, Uncle Wilson said it was you who suggested that I stay with him.
I just wanted to thank you.
So it was you all along.
That's really hitting me below the belt, I'll tell you that right now.
Welcome back to Tool Time and our special guest, classic car collector, George "Sparky" Anderson.
Now, Sparky, you've been restoring automobiles for 30 years.
How are classic cars different from modern cars? They're older, Al.
I mean, you gotta be at least 25 years old to be a classic car.
Right, Tim? - Right.
- And they don't have the features: Cruise control, anti-lock breaks, uh, air bags.
They drive like trucks, sometimes get worse mileage - and harder on the environment.
- Why would anyone want a classic car? Because they're cool! - I mean, these aren't just vehicles.
- No.
These are works of art.
I mean, Tim, what would you rather own, - a Buick or a Botticelli? - A Buick.
It's hard to get Italian parts.
You're right, Tim.
You're right.
Uh, in order to demonstrate, I brought along a video that shows some of my favorite classic automobiles.
Heidi, the video monitor, please.
- Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
Let's take a look.
Oh, look at that beauty.
'48 Olds coupe.
Four thousand pounds of Detroit steel - storming down the street.
- Boy! Reminds me of Al's mom looking for a smorgasbord, huh? If I was to buy a classic car, you know what it would be? - What, Al? - An "Al-fa Romeo.
" Moving right along here, um That's a '55 Chevy Bel Air, isn't it? Oh, look at that grill.
She almost looks like she's smiling at you.
The first time I was in the back seat of one of those, I was smiling.
You were with a girl.
No, I was just happy to be in the back seat.
- Hm.
- I was kidding about the Alfa Romeo.
- I know.
- I'd really like a Cadillac Al-Dorado.
Or maybe an Al-Camino.
How about a Mercedes 280 S-Al? - Let's move on to the next car.
- Let me ask you a question.
Let's say a guy bends over backwards to give a guy a '53 Studebaker Commander.
- Oh, I love that car.
- Good design.
It is.
And that same guy offered to restore it for the first guy.
- I love that guy.
- That's right.
And then the second guy has a distant relative show up.
Let's say a niece.
Who are you spending time with, the niece or the car? - Please, Tim! Isn't it obvious? - It is to me.
But tell the audience.
I'd spend time with the niece.
Nothing more important than family, right? Yes, exactly my point.
Of course it was.
We'll be back with more questions after these messages.
Binford is proud to welcome our new sponsor, Saginaw Cheese.
Cheese, it's good! - What smells? - It's Brad.
What have you been doing, rolling around in carpet freshener? It's my new scent: patchouli.
I happen to know Willow likes it.
I'm gonna ask her to go to the coffeehouse.
Better ask for a table outside.
So, what makes you think she's gonna want to go to a coffeehouse with you? Because after a guy like Sergei, she's gonna want a man that makes her feel secure and centered.
Like a high school junior who reeks? Maybe I should wash this stuff off.
I'm starting to feel a little dizzy.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey.
Ah, thanks for vacuuming.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
There's a guy on Tool Time that shares your point of view.
That all watermelons should be seedless? No.
That spending time with one's niece is as important as spending time with one's classic car.
Well, duh.
Wilson is having such a good time with Willow being here.
They've been going to museums and poetry readings.
Last night they went to the Estonian Comedy Festival.
They're famous for their comedy over there.
I am Yergi.
Welcome to the show.
I stayed at hotel so small my goat slept standing up.
But I kid! No.
Willow, she's just like the daughter that Wilson never had.
It's the best that happened to him.
He's in his yard.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
There's no rush to fix up that Studebaker.
I'm ready whenever he's ready.
Hey, Wilson.
He's getting his costume for the Renaissance Faire we're going to.
- Hi, Willow.
That sounds like fun.
- Yeah.
So did the Ethiopian puppet show and karaoke night at the VFW.
I've been to the VFW thing with him.
Nothing quite like two retired admirals singing Muskrat Love.
Well, maybe next time, you can go in my place.
I'm, um, going back to Chicago tomorrow.
What's Wilson think about that? He doesn't know yet.
I figured I'd wait till after the Renaissance Faire to tell him.
I'm afraid bad news might affect his jousting.
What happened? You guys were having so much fun together.
We were at first.
But now I'm feeling smothered.
He wants to be with me every minute of every day.
It's It's too much for me.
Have you tried talking to him? It wouldn't do any good.
The men in my family are very controlling.
It doesn't seem right to just skip out on the guy, though.
I don't think I have a choice.
I believe it's the Bhagavad Gita that says, "A bird can only soar if the sky has no bounds.
" Oh, yeah.
I can see it.
You can understand how being so confined invalidates me, how it negates the very core of my being.
Oh, yes.
Oh, yeah.
- The heart goes with - See? - See, you do understand.
- Oh, yeah.
Why can't Uncle Wilson be like you? You take in everything.
And then with a wise knowing grunt, you convey your empathy.
Well, it's just something I do naturally If only every man was as evolved as you.
It's unfortunate, isn't it? Yes.
Hey, you're not gonna believe this.
I'm evolved.
And, um, Willow is gonna leave.
Oh, my God! She's leaving? Wilson is gonna be crushed.
I tried to talk her out of it.
All she did was quote from In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida.
- What did you say? - I tried to Hidy, hither and yon, good neighbors.
How fare ye this glorious eve? How fare we? We fare fine.
How fare ye? I've got an hour before the Renaissance Faire.
How would you like to show me the Studebaker? Oh, great idea! I've always said that there's nothing better for companionship than a car.
When have you ever said that? Tim, why don't you take Wilson in the garage and show him how fulfilling his life will be now that he's sharing it with an automobile? - Ah, got ya.
- Yeah.
Come hither.
We will repair to my repair shop.
Verily, sire.
Lead on, MacTim.
There she is.
With this Studebaker by your side, you'll never be lonely.
When we get it all fixed up, Willow and I can go on trips together.
Well, you could, but this particular model of Studebaker runs a lot better with just one person in it.
You know, Tim, you and Jill have been acting strangely.
Something very odd is going on around here.
You know, a lot of guys couldn't get away with that codpiece look.
But on you? Fantastic.
There's something you're trying to tell me.
What is it? - None of my business.
Talk to Willow.
- Willow? She's she's she's kind of unappy.
- That's all there is? - She feels like you're smothering her.
- That's it? - I think she wants to leave.
Leave? Hi.
How do you like my costume? Going as Mrs.
I've never seen a lovelier Bible printer's wife.
Uncle Wilson, what's wrong? Tim, did you say something to him? I didn't mean to.
He was He was fiddling with his codpiece and it just popped out.
Let me rephrase that.
What I I'm sorry, Uncle Wilson.
I, um I don't know how to put this.
- There's this quote from Joseph Conrad.
- The fat guy who played Cannon.
No, the novelist.
He said, "We live as we dream alone.
" Yes.
And as the French essayist Montaigne said, "In solitude alone can man know true freedom.
" You know what's interesting? When you speak real slow like that, French sounds a lot like English.
So so you understand what I'm saying? Yes, I do.
And, Willow, even though I want you to live your own life, - there's something that I have to say.
- What's that? I really want you to consider the words of the Bible: "He who is alone and falleth" "hath not another to help him up.
" Ecclesiastes.
"Everybody loves somebody sometime.
" Martin-comma-Dean.
Willow, I'm sorry I smothered you.
But I'm just kind of new at this family thing.
So am I.
I'm just not used to this much attention.
Willow, I'd like you to stay.
Maybe we should give this another chance.
And if, uh, you need any advice, I'm right over the fence.
You know, Tim's a very wise man.
Oh, yes.
I know.
Let's say you're working on your classic car in your garage.
You're hot and sweaty and you need instant refreshment.
- What do you reach for? - Cheese! - Oh, but not just any cheese! - Saginaw Cheese! Cheese, it's good!
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