Home Improvement s07e09 Episode Script


Oh, man.
All right.
Thank you, Heidi.
Thank you.
I think it's done.
Well! I guess that finishes up our cooking portion of our salute to a mars Thanksgiving.
A point to ponder when you baste the turkey in cognac, you want to keep the bird away from the open flame.
Otherwise your Butterball will become a fireball.
Pretty obvious, isn't it? Now it's time to look at some of the things we men should be thankful for.
And this, of course, would be number one: women.
Our mothers, our co-workers, our family members, our sisters.
They deserve a lot of appreciation.
- Wow.
Thank you, Tim.
- You're welcome.
Now, get lost.
It's a mars segment.
OK, Al.
Well, you're sort of a man.
What are you thankful for? Well, Tim, I'm thankful for the tool I carry with me always.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Al! It's a family show! I'm talking about my Swiss Army knife.
I would feel naked without it.
I'm talking about the gizmos and gadgets and thingamajigs - that make a mars life won'thwhile.
- I hear you, brother.
How many times have you found yourself at the beach or a tailgate party and you're longing for a zesty blended beverage? Not a problem anymore with this model of American ingenuity.
All it takes is one rip This next gadget's on the top of my list of favorites.
You may be thinking I'm wearing usual coveralls, but you're wrong.
I'm sporting the practical and very fashionable vacu-suit.
That's right, from the Binford winter collection.
You've got to say "très chic" when you look at Al right now.
The point of this is, why lug around a heavy vacuum cleaner? - We can add the vacuum to the man.
- Right.
- Just add a hose to Al - Mm-hmm.
Not there, Tim! He's got a built-in compressor and motor.
Flip him on and watch Al suck.
Uh, Tim Tim, I think we have a problem! Turn it off! Turn it off, Tim! Turn it off, Tim! Ah! Tim! Wilson, I thought that you and Willow were going to Ann Arbor for Thanksgiving.
We're gonna leave as soon as I finish making my feng shui home protection tool.
How does that work? Well, Jill, the horizontal flute is the guardian of hopes and desires.
And the two angled flutes radiate peace throughout the house and the universe.
- What do the red tassels do? - They scare away squirrels.
What are the holiday plans for the Taylors this year? Well, my mom is gonna be with my sister in Texas.
Tim's mom is gonna be with his brother, Jeff, so it's just the five of us.
I thought maybe I'd get up early and try out some new recipes.
- Why new recipes? - Everybody hates my cooking, so I thought I might as well make it interesting for me.
- Oh, hi.
How's it going, Jill? - Hey, Willow.
Oh, that's a great looking turkey.
Actually, it's 100 percent soybean.
It's called a "soy-key".
I am so looking forward to Thanksgiving.
It's the first time in years that the whole Wilson clan has all been together.
- Uncle Wilbur.
- Aunt Willemina.
- Cousin Wilford.
- Uncle Willard.
- Grandma Wilma.
- And Bob.
- Bob? - He's the black sheep.
Well, every family has to have a troublemaker.
No, no, no.
Bob is a very nice sheep.
He just gets cranky at shearing time.
Hey, Bradley.
I got great news.
You pumped so much air into Al, he's bigger than his mom.
No, that would be quite impossible.
Get this.
Clay Ford, the owner of the Lions, is a big Tool Time fan.
He's offered us the use of a luxury box for the Thanksgiving game.
Our own private box? That is so cool.
Yeah, there's just one annoying detail.
And there she is.
- Hi.
- Hi.
What do you think about a soy turkey? Hey, I'm up for anything.
You know what I believe, that no matter what you eat or where you eat it, Thanksgiving is great as long as we're all together.
We are not gonna spend Thanksgiving at a car show.
Don't be ridiculous.
Now, listen.
We've been offered a luxury box at the Silverdome.
We can enjoy an incredible Thanksgiving dinner in the privacy of our own room.
You're saying you'd rather spend the day in a football stadium being served Thanksgiving meal by total strangers? - Yes.
- Hot damn! I'm sleeping in.
All right.
Check out the view.
This is really beautiful.
- Yeah, if you like disgusting opulence.
- And I do.
I don't believe it.
There is a TV in the bathroom.
So you won't miss a minute of the excitement.
Or in your case, 45 minutes.
Hello, Taylor family.
Welcome to box 12.
I'm Ted, your personal Silverdome liaison and I've got hats.
Oh, thank you.
I'm Jill Taylor.
And that's Randy, Mark and Brad and my husband, Tim Taylor.
Hey, it's "The Tool Man.
" "Oh! Oh!" Good to meet you, Ted.
Um, you look awful familiar.
Have we met before? No.
Perhaps you've met one of my brothers.
Ned or Fred? Wait a minute.
One brother works at the airport in Alpena.
And the other brother at a gas station in the middle of nowhere.
I met 'em.
I hope they didn't give you any trouble.
They've always been pretty ornery.
One time they held me down and packed my nose with candy corn.
Kids can be so cruel.
This was last Christmas.
By the way, Tim, I've been authorized to give you a tour of the Silverdome's nerve center.
Home of our state-of-the-art electrical and plumbing system.
- Somebody pinch me! - You can watch the game on the monitors and I'll have you back at halftime for dinner with your family.
- Thank you, Ted.
- I'll be up to get you in a while.
- All right.
- Thank you.
Would you look at all this food? Do you know how many needy families it could have fed on Thanksgiving? Ooh.
Crab puffs.
Sorry I'm late.
I ran into What a chatterbox.
- I'm sorry.
You would be? - Irv Schmayman.
Major television producer.
- And you are? - Tim Taylor, major television star.
- Taylor.
- Yeah.
Never heard of you.
Well, maybe you have the wrong booth.
Box 12.
The Lions front office set me up.
Didrt you say this booth was just gonna be for our family? Hey, we are all in the entertainment family.
All part of the business I like to call, "Show.
" Well, Irv, this is my wife, Jill and these are my boys, Randy, Brad and Mark.
Irv Schmayman.
Hollywood legend.
Here's my card.
Pass it around, kid.
Well, so much for our family Thanksgiving.
Honey, it's just one Schmayman.
Girls? These are my personal assistants, Jenny and Cindy.
They're going to be joining us for Thanksgiving.
Now I've got something to be thankful for.
- All right, Lions won! - The game just started.
No, they won the coin toss.
The holiday season always reminds me of my Helen Reddy special, Reddy or Not, It's Christmas.
It was a ratings volcano.
Are you guys gonna watch the game or chat? Whoa, relax, Timski.
I've got friends at the network.
I'll get you a tape.
Excuse me.
Taylor? Are you ready to explore the bowels of the Silverdome? Let me loose.
Tim, can I speak to you for a moment? He'll be right there.
You cannot leave us alone with the Schmayman, Jill, Jill, Jill.
Thanksgiving is about compassion.
It's about reaching out to others.
It's about being there for other people.
Gotta go.
These are the transformers and all the breakers.
I love spending time down here.
Who wouldn't? The place is so homey.
If you like this, wait till you see our control room.
That's where we operate all of the Silverdome's lights and our 2,000 toilets.
Wait a minute.
Two thousand toilets? Is there a button you can press to flush them all at once? No, but I'll bring it up at the next board meeting.
You're a thinker.
I like that.
So, finally, I tell the network, "You've got a great idea.
But the show needs a twist.
You want funny? Make the nun fly.
" If your father doesn't get back soon I'm gonna have to kill him.
Dad or Schmayman? Whoever's closest.
I've been so blessed.
I have this superhuman feel for what's funny.
Pants are funny.
Pork is funny.
Fish are funny.
I think I might vomit.
Vomit, big funny.
Ted, I can't thank you enough.
If I can put a smile on "The Tool Mars" face, my dream has come true.
- You really mean that? - No, I'm just being a good host.
Before you go back to your family, I have one more surprise for you.
I don't think my heart can take it.
Let me guess.
An autographed copy of the building permit.
Hey, I'm a liaison.
I'm not God.
Smile, "Tool Man".
You're on Jumbo Vision.
- No, no.
The big screen? - Yeah.
This is cool.
That is one beautiful turkey.
I pitched a series to CBS about a talking turkey.
They told me to stuff it.
Hello! Is this thing on? This is a nightmare.
Hey, look.
Dad's on Jumbo Vision.
On Jumbo Vision, our special guest, Tim "The Tool Man" Look at that.
The contrast on these monitors is bad.
Let me work on this.
No, Tim.
Don't touch anything! I'm in the business, Ted.
I know how to work these things.
This is specially made for the Silverdome Oh, my God.
Dad just ruined Thanksgiving for 80,000 people.
- I'm gonna grab a yam.
- That's not a yam, Irv.
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain seated.
The lights should be back on as soon as someone figures out how to fix them.
How long do you think it'll take to fix this? You better hope it's fast, because every person in this stadium saw what you did.
Some of them were probably in the bathroom.
Those guys will be real happy.
Let "The Tool Man" in there.
I work great under pressure.
Oh, no, you don't.
Sit down and don't touch anything.
The more I think about it, your toilet flushing button idea stunk.
I think I understand why your brothers shoved candy corn up your nose.
Boy, this takes me back.
January, 1994, the earthquake hit and wiped out the power while Tina Turner was staying in my guest house.
So, let me guess.
You went next door and borrowed a flashlight from David Bowie.
You know, Jillsie, we Schmaymans are pretty perceptive people.
and I am picking up a hint of sarcasm on my "Schmaydar.
" Hey, Schmayman.
What can I tell you, huh? - Hey, Rodney.
- I had a hard time finding you.
After they saw my face they turned off all the lights.
Rodney starred in my Christmas special.
I Don't Get No Respect: On Ice.
Oh, and I'll tell you, it was cold.
It was so cold, it was colder than my wife's handshake on our honeymoon.
- Hello.
- How do you do, baby.
I'm Jill Taylor.
I can't believe it's Rodney Dangerfield.
- What are you doing in Detroit? - Looking for plugs and points.
I was the Grand Marshal at the Great American Parade.
And if they made me the Grand Marshal, how great can America be, you know? Mom? Who's Rodney Dangerfield? Honey, he's a famous comic.
He's hilarious.
What's with the black outfit? Devil worshipers are in box 666.
- You are good.
- Thanks, shorty.
When I was a kid, I was short myself.
I was so short I had to blow my nose through my fly.
Are you this funny at home? Not since my wife's mother moved in.
What a barracuda.
My husband will be sorry he missed you.
Would you consider staying and having Thanksgiving dinner with us? That's very kind of you.
I'd love to.
When I was a kid I had it rough.
We were poor.
How poor were you? How poor? On Thanksgiving my old man showed us a picture of a turkey.
I sat there all day trying to lick the gravy.
Bad news.
If we don't get the lights fixed in 15 minutes, the game is cancelled.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I believe one time I saved some time by wiring around the circuit breaker.
Couldrt that cause the transformer to blow up? If memory serves, yes.
Why don't you go to your family? I'm not gonna walk across the Silverdome.
There might be people out there that want my blood.
I'm aware of that.
Look at all these people.
This is turning into one heck of a party.
What can I say? In the face of tragedy, I host.
Dangerfield, I hope I'm not speaking out of turn, but you seem to have some self-esteem issues.
Oh, you can say that again.
When I was born the doctor smacked my mother.
Rodney, remember our special? You were doing your act, and Aretha Franklin skated out onto the ice.
And she sang that song to me all about respect.
Oh, yeah, I taught that song to you guys.
* R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to me * Sock it to me, sock it to me Sock it to me, sock it to me That's enough "sock it to me", OK? Reminds me of my neighborhood.
My neighborhood is tough.
They said to a kid in school, "What comes after a sentence?" He said, "You make an appeal.
" I just wanted to have a nice Thanksgiving dinner with my family.
Look what happened! Sorry! Wait.
Do that again.
Sorry! No, no, hit the console.
What were you worried about? So long, Charo.
Hey, the lights are back on! Yeah, the players are headed back onto the field.
Hey, listen, I got a massage at my hotel in ten minutes.
Taylor family, can I be frank? This has been the most moving, enjoyable holiday I have ever had.
And that includes Passover with the Tony Curtises.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- God bless you.
I mean it.
Stay well.
Can you believe that this actually happened? Oh, yes, that was unbelievable.
You know, Jenny told me to call her when I'm 21.
Yeah, and Irv wants first look at my next screenplay.
I'm reconsidering my distaste for conspicuous consumption.
Dibs on the last truffle.
Hey, I'm sorry I wrecked your Thanksgiving, OK.
No! You kidding? It was great.
It was the best Thanksgiving ever.
We got to hang out with Rodney Dangerfield.
It was wild.
It was like my neighborhood.
You know, my neighborhood was so wild, when the kids played hopscotch they used real scotch.
Trying to cheer me up is getting pathetic here, OK? Hey, Jill, I forgot to give you my phone number in L.
If you get to L.
, bring the family.
We'll have a barbeque, OK? And you'll meet my doctor, Dr.
Vinnie Boombach.
I saw him last week and asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex.
He told me not if I join in.
Rodney Dangerfield, I'm Tim Taylor.
I'm her husband.
Oh, yeah.
You're the knucklehead who screwed up the lights, huh? If you get to L.
just bring the kids, OK? You take it easy.
I hope I run into you.
When I'm driving! And welcome back to Tool Time.
Today we're going to restore antique picture frames.
Because under an ugly exterior sometimes you can find a true beauty.
That's not the case Oh, never mind.
OK, uh To help us out today we have a very special guest.
The Grand Marshal of the Great American Parade doesn't like me, but evidently, he likes Tool Time.
That's why he's here.
Let's give a warm welcome to Rodney Dangerfield.
Here, honey.
Buy the rest of that dress, will ya? - Over here, Rodney.
- Ooh, could she break up a happy home.
- Great to have you on the show.
- A pleasure.
What are we working on today, boys? We're gonna refinish this frame for a husky picture Al's got.
Speaking of husky, I understand you were a husky kid.
How husky were you? I'm not here to do jokes.
I'm here to help Al with a project.
I hear that you were poor and lived in the projects.
How poor were you? None of your business.
What kind of wood are we using in this frame? - Distressed maple.
- Speaking of distressed, I understand your wife is annoying.
How annoying is she? Not as annoying as you.
How do you work with this guy, huh? It's tough.
I gotta tell ya, I don't get any respect.
You're talking to the original.
'Cause I don't get no respect at all.
I got no sex life.
My wife cut me down to once a month.
I'm lucky.
Two guys I know she cut out completely.

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