Home Improvement s07e14 Episode Script

Tim 'The Landlord' Taylor

- Hi, Mom.
- Hi.
Wow! You're home late from work.
I stayed at the mall and did some shopping.
You guys have no idea how lucky you are.
When I was your age, the closest thing to a mall was a Walgreers with a FotoMat in the parking lot.
Man, between that and black-and-white TV, your life was a living hell! - So, what's in the bag? - Oh, that's my old shirt.
Check out the new one I bought.
You've never seen anything like it.
Actually, I think I have.
Oh, man! - Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi, sweetie.
Evening Evening, Humpty, Dumpty.
I guess you're wondering why we're both wearing this.
I was wondering why anyone would wear that shirt.
Do you remember that investment property? Oh, the house on, uh, Grant or Shadeland? Shadeland, right.
They came down $2,000.
I, um, I think they're ready to sell.
Do you think it's wise to tie up your money in a rental property? The price is right.
We're gonna fix it up, rent it out, then Why are we discussing our financial choices with you kids? Two kids dressed like a pair of lava lamps.
- You want to take a look one more time? - That's a good idea.
- Get the dishes, set the table.
- What's for dinner? Whatever Randy decides to make.
Hey, think pork.
If that's the school uniform, I am not going to high school.
Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Thank you, Heidi.
For those of you who just joined us, My wife and I bought this rental property as an investment.
We're gonna show you some tips and an economical way to make this a makeover.
Nothing brightens a room better than fresh paint.
First thing We've just taken a tour of the kitchen where we're gonna have to retile.
A lot of nice stuff in that kitchen.
I can't believe how beautiful that vintage stove is.
Oh, you're just excited.
He found a 40-year-old French fry in that stove.
- Let's inspect the living room.
- Right.
And after that, Tim is gonna take a look at the den while I figure out what to do in the bathroom.
You're just now figuring that out? No.
But I figured out why we're doing this show on renovation.
Once again, Tim gets all his work done for free.
Wow! Mr.
I'm just here to do good work, OK? Any renter's gonna love these.
A fabulous addition to any home.
Don't you think? This is a tool show, not the Please Rent My House channel.
Snippy today, isn't he? I think someone didn't get their hot links this morning.
These glass doorknobs are in great shape.
I think they're a little loose.
My wife and I are gonna go in a different direction.
- Upgrade them with brass fixtures.
- No! You can't get rid of these.
This is part of the house's charm.
I love these doorknobs.
Well, don't get too attached to them.
They'll turn on you.
Next to fresh paint, replacing carpet is the quick way to update your place.
I don't think so, Heidi.
Why re-carpet when the floors are a beautiful peg and groove? - Ooh! - A big plus for any renter.
You know, Al, I think you might be right.
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Jill.
- My business partner, my wife Jill.
- You taping? I don't have makeup on! Oh, you look fine.
You look fine, honey.
I'm gonna put the shower curtain in the bathroom, all right? That's a beautiful pattern for a shower curtain, a big plus for any bathroom.
Once we get this fixed up, any renter's gonna love this house.
Yes, they will.
In fact, I'll take it.
Thanks, Al.
We'll be right back after these messages from Binford.
OK, let's move to the den.
Get that set up.
I'm trying to rent this place.
Don't joke around, OK? I'm not joking.
I really would like to rent this.
- What? - Oh, my God.
You'd be the perfect renter.
Do you want Al living right around the corner from us? We can carpool! Hey! You're not helping your case, Al.
I've been wanting to get out of that bachelor apartment for years! I would love living here! Al is clean.
He's quiet.
He'd be the perfect tenant.
I was Tenant of the Month - What do you think? - Please? Don't beg, you look like those circus poodles.
I don't know.
Well, why not? Oh, yes! All right! Oh, I'm gonna love living here! Look, I'll even have a coat closet! Well, congratulations, Al.
Oh! And with that big back yard, I'll finally be able to get a dog.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No pets.
But, boy, this is gonna be a nice place for mother to visit.
Like I said no pets.
I'm gonna pick up Samantha.
We're going to the movies.
Hey, um, Randy and Lauren are going to the movies, too.
Can you take them? Hey, Randy! What are you doing? We agreed this was my shirt night.
Before Samantha told me this was her favorite shirt.
Lauren said this was her favorite shirt.
I don't want a girlfriend if I'm gonna have to wear that shirt.
Mark, it's not the clothes that matter.
You'll be rejected based on who you are.
Brad, it's his turn to wear the shirt.
It's only fair.
I've only got a year to wear this shirt before I grow out of it.
He's got the rest of his life.
Yeah? And you have the rest of your life to learn math.
Hey, hey, hey! That is enough, guys! We're just gonna flip a coin.
Whoever loses takes the shirt back to the store.
- Mark, give me a quarter.
- You know, I'm gonna need that back.
All right, Brad.
You're the oldest so you pick.
- Tails.
- Heads it is.
You lose.
Hey, and, uh, while you're up there, you might want to rethink the pants.
Oh, finally I can get some work done.
Arert you forgetting something? I love you.
I know.
I know.
There was a long line at that photocopy place.
- I got the documents for our tenant.
- Wait, this is what you had copied? Uh-huh.
You're making Al sign, what is this, an 18-page lease? It's a business venture, honey.
I'm doing this to protect us and to protect Al.
Oh, I see.
You are protecting your best friend by asking for references? You'll notice I gave him a glowing one.
According to this sworn statement here, his apartment manager says that he once neglected to clean out a lint trap.
I had to grill that old lady six hours to get her to rat him out.
I can't believe it! You asked for Al's credit history? You got it.
Look back here.
at Cheese World.
Ah, here it is! Captain Jerky's Meat-Curing Kit.
Hey, Tim.
It's open.
Hey, Al.
The place looks great.
I brought over your signed copy of the lease.
Without a forklift? I can't believe you had me sign an 18-page lease.
You know, my last lease was two pages.
Don't you trust me? Al, of course I trust you.
I got one little addendum I want you to sign, though, right here.
There you go.
A "no gravy in the bedroom" clause? As long as I'm here, anything else you need? As a matter of fact, there is.
You know what? The, uh, the sink in the kitchen here is leaking.
And this window up here seems to be a little bit stuck.
Just get a washer for the faucet and put some silicone on there.
Here you go.
Well, you see, I'm the tenant.
And repairs would be the landlord's responsibility.
Come on.
Tenant, landlord let's not get hung up on the labels, buddy.
Well, you want to go by the book, I'm going by the book.
And according to section 12, paragraph seven, uh, you "are responsible for all repairs or I have someone do it and take it out of the rent.
" Buddy, buddy, buddy Close examination of the spirit of this lease will inform you that that's a sign for renters that are not handy.
You are very good with your hands.
Speaking of which, here you go.
Right there.
All right.
I will sign your addendum.
Date it.
Now you fix my house.
Come on.
You wouldn't be ashamed to have someone else repair stuff you could do? Not in the least.
- You really want me fixing this? - You wouldn't be my first choice.
But I'll be right here behind you watching every move you make, "buddy!" Tim, you're using the wrong wrench on that faucet.
You ask me to fix your house.
Now you don't trust me to do it right? I didn't trust you before I asked you.
Thanks to your credit checks, they don't trust me at Cheese World anymore.
Al, would you hand me the WD-40, please? Sorry, landlord.
No can do.
According to Public Act Number 42 of 1917, that's not the tenant's responsibility.
OK, what is the tenant's responsibility? I believe it's to pay the rent and not eat gravy in the bedroom.
Al, are you gonna eat that apple the entire time I'm fixing the doorknob? No.
At the rate you're going, I'll be able to fit in two pears and a plum.
After you've fixed this door, I want you to take a look at the, uh, chimney here.
Al, I don't have time for this.
A lot of this stuff you could do.
You're right.
And for $200 an hour, I would love to.
You'd charge me for this? I'm just exercising my tenant's rights.
This really isn't working out.
Maybe you should find some other place to live.
What? Are you throwing me out? - No.
- Good.
Because you can't evict me.
- Oh, yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
- Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.
I'll sue you.
I have an ironclad lease! That won't hold up in a court of law.
I know.
I wrote it.
I don't believe this! You told Al that you want to evict him? That's right.
Because he's the tenant from hell all of a sudden.
He's chasing me around the house making me do everything by the law.
Well What about you? I mean, you've done everything to him short of running fingerprints on him.
No! You did not! It may have been a computer error, but I think he's wanted in Texas on mail fraud charges.
Oh, Tim! I mean, it took him all his courage, you know, to get out of that cramped apartment.
Then kick him out on the street.
How could you do that to poor Al? Poor Al, my foot.
How about poor me? He wants to sue me.
And that bonehead would probably take this right to the Supreme Court.
You won't stand a chance.
Sandra Day O'Connor's gonna love Al.
Gidget? Have you thought about any of the ramifications of this? I mean, you two work together.
What's gonna happen to your friendship? That will be for the courts to decide, honey.
You're not going to work this out? No.
Because even if I did, I run the risk of Al forcing me to snake out his toilets.
And that's a risk I'm not willing to take.
If you're not gonna talk to him, then I'm gonna do it for you.
Oh, good.
Good luck.
Go over there and talk, you'll end up sucking asbestos out of his attic.
Wilson, if you need firewood, I got plenty here.
You don't have to chop down your house.
No, no, no, Tim.
I'm just knocking down some icicles.
One of my favorite things, right up there with spreading steer manure on a hot summer day.
I'd rather spread steer manure than be Al's landlord.
Really? I would've thought Al would've been the perfect tenant.
That's why I gave him such an enthusiastic reference.
Maybe I went a little bit overboard.
You're the only one that quoted Shakespeare on a rental application.
So, you're saying objectively that the person at fault is the lessee as opposed to the lessor.
More or less.
Well, so what happened? We're just disagreeing over the lease.
So, I'm I'm gonna have to evict him.
Well, Tim, I'm shocked that you would evict your best friend.
I'm more shocked that you would make him sign a lease.
I'm new at the landlord thing.
I'm trying to do everything businesslike.
Tim, let me ask, if I was renting from you, would you make me sign a lease? Well yeah.
Probably let you skip the the fingerprinting and the blood samples.
Tim, a landlord doesn't have to do that.
They don't have to do that.
When I do something new, I like to go at it full strength! Like the time you brought home the riding mower.
I didn't have to put 120 horsepower in that thing.
I did 'cause there's nothing better than adding More power.
There's a difference between powering up a lawnmower and lording it over your best friend.
You know, Henry Adams the historian said, "A friend in power is a friend lost.
" I might've got a bit crazy on that.
Twenty-one clauses and that thorough investigation.
Well, what did you gain from that? Well, I lost my first tenant, my best friend.
I've got a huge photocopy bill.
But they carved a head of me up there at Cheese World.
They set it out.
- Hi, Al.
- Hi, Jill.
Can I come in? It's your house.
You can do whatever you want to.
I brought you a housewarming gift.
Why would you do that? Your husband is trying to evict me.
Well, I think he's totally out of line.
You really think that? Oh, I'm so glad you think that! Thank you! Oh! And that is why I'm going to fight him to the death on this.
You know, he may have his money and his his big-city lawyers, but I have the sword of justice on my side.
Jerky? No.
No, thank you.
Al, this doesn't have to end up in the courts.
I mean, you and Tim just have to come to your senses.
Tim? The man who has federal marshals hounding me about some mail fraud rap? Well, we all know that Tim has a tendency to go overboard.
Well, when he goes overboard with me he turns the whole ship upside-down.
And I'm left holding onto my dinghy.
Well, it's just you know, he he takes advantage of me.
- I know.
- It makes me so mad! - I just I sink to his level! - OK.
What do you mean by that? Well, I First, Tim makes me sign this ridiculous lease.
And then when I ask him to abide by the lease and fix some things around the house, he resists.
And that you know, I retaliate by by finding more things for him to fix.
- Well, that's understandable.
- It gets worse than that.
Because once he fixed everything, I I started breaking new things on purpose.
- You broke things? - Yeah.
That's sick.
It's also really, really funny.
You know, I've done similar things to him for different reasons.
- You have? - This one time, I was really overwhelmed with schoolwork.
He kept pestering me about remodeling a bathroom or something.
So, I snuck out to the garage and I I squirted some motor oil under the engine of his Mustang.
It kept him out of my hair for days.
That's brilliant! This other time, I painted chicken pox on Mark's face so I wouldn't have to go to a tractor pull.
This is a side of you I never knew existed! - Yeah.
I'm devious.
- Yeah, you are.
You're very devious.
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
You guys are laughing over this lease? I've been giving a lot of thought about this landlordltenant thing.
And we gotta work this out.
- You think so? - Yeah.
I don't want you out Well, you guys obviously have to talk.
- No, we don't.
I was done.
I'm done.
- Bye! - That was it.
I don't have to talk.
- Oh, no, no.
She's right.
We have some issues we have to discuss.
I say we just let bygones be bygones and start over.
- How about that? - Oh, no.
It goes much deeper than that, you know? This affects the very fabric of our relationship.
This is like talking to Jill with a beard.
Now, Tim, I You know, I have some things to admit.
I have been childish and petty and unreasonable throughout all of this.
- I have a confession.
- Good.
You're absolutely right.
Well, obviously, you're not ready to talk about these things.
Well, what the hey, you know? You made the gesture and came over here.
And I admitted I was petty and childish.
And you made the gesture and came over here.
And - And see you, Al.
- Apology accepted.
Uh, the truth is, Al, you know me.
When I start something new, I tend to go a little crazy.
It always affects the people closest to me first.
And the truth is you're a responsible guy.
And you can you can live here without the lease.
- Uh - Al, don't say another word.
Without the lease.
Forget about it.
The lease is gone.
See you later.
Well, thank you, Tim.
That was actually my life insurance policy.
Well, here it is.
The new shirt.
Congratulations, Brad.
I I know I have never seen anything like that.
Now, you're not gonna go out and buy one of these.
Oh, you actually paid money for that? Looks like you peeled it off a dead clown.
Look who I brought home for dinner, everybody.
- Ah! - Hi, Jill.
Hey, Mark.
- Hey, Al.
- Ooh, nice shirt.
- You like it? I just got it.
- Yeah.
Well, me too! All right! Forget about it.
You don't need this lease.
No, no, no, no, no There we go.
He may have his money and his big-city lawyers, but I have the sword of justice in my side.
- Is it in your side? - It's right here.

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