Home Improvement s07e18 Episode Script

Futile Attraction

And welcome back to our Tool Time salute Ohhhhhh! to golf.
Let's get to it.
We have a very special guest for you.
That's right.
He's number eight in all-time earnings on the PGA tour.
He's in town at the Golf Expo.
Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Payne Stewart.
Thanks for making time to be on the show.
You know You'd think with the kind of cash you're pulling down, you could afford the rest of those trousers.
Tim, when you're in the public eye, you have to have a trademark.
With me, it's knickers.
With you, it's burns and abrasions.
Well, Mr.
Stewart, first things first.
How does one go about choosing the right driver? - Well, it depends on your ability.
- OK.
- Now, what's your handicap, Al? - Tim.
Actually, it's 16.
Then along with a few lessons, you'll want a driver like this.
- With an expanded sweet spot.
- All right.
Tim, what's your handicap? Payne, Payne, Payne What's a handicap? I think golf is more of a Zen-like, jujitsu type of thing.
His handicap is 35.
You guys think you're so good? Why don't we take a shot at my golf simulator and have a driving contest? Klaus! Now, the way that this machine works is there are sensors in the pad which measure the velocity and the striking angle of the club.
The vector and the velocity is then measured Al, shut up and shoot the thing, will you? Vector velocities.
Ninety-five yards.
Nice shot, miss.
All right, Payne.
Let's see what you got.
See what we can come up with here.
Two hundred-ninety-one yards.
Nice drive.
That was a great drive.
Well, I guess this contest is over.
Not so fast.
Heidi, why don't we bring out my driver? - Here you are, Tim.
- Thank you, Heidi.
- And what would this be? - I know what this is.
This is a special driver designed for senior citizens to get more distance.
They don't even have to swing it because it's got 25 caliber charge in it.
Not anymore.
I bored it out to a 44 magnum.
- That's cheating.
- Welcome to my world.
Stand back, guys.
All right.
Fire in the hole.
You the man.
Where are you going in that shirt? Well, it's happy hour at The Tiki Hut.
You gotta get there by five o'clock, or the pupu platter is picked clean.
Do you actually meet women there? Or just go there to pig out on pupu? Well, I haven't met anyone yet.
But I'm forming a social network of people with similar interests.
People who eat dinner off toothpicks in the middle of the afternoon.
It's a lot of fun.
Why don't you join me for a drink? I'd like to.
You know how I love fresh pupu.
But Jill's got the flu and I'm stopping by the pharmacy to pick up medication.
Anything you suggest? These days I'm strictly homeopathic.
No wonder you're not meeting any women.
If that's how you feel, fine.
Goodnight, Al.
Goodnight, Tim.
- Heidi, is anything wrong? - No, nothing.
Are you sure? Well, actually, Scott and I have separated.
He moved out a couple weeks ago.
Heidi, I'm so sorry.
Why didn't you say something about this before? Because I didn't want to bring my personal problems to work.
Why not? Because you said, "Don't ever bring your personal problems to work.
" Since when do you listen to me? Since you said, "I had better start listening to you.
" Nice going, Mr.
I might need a little time off from the show.
- Take as much as you need.
- Thanks.
I gotta go drop off Amy at Scott's.
He's got her this week.
We can't leave Heidi alone when she's this upset.
Take her to the Tiki Hut.
Well, nothing raises one's spirits like a fistful of pot stickers.
She doesn't need food.
She needs a shoulder to cry on, OK? Well, I'm not exactly an expert on relationships, Tim.
But you're a good friend and you're a good listener.
Come on, do it for Heidi.
- Do it for the show.
- For the show? If she's too upset to come back, you'll have to squeeze into one of the skirts.
- Here you go, Mom.
- Oh, thank you, sweetie.
What are you doing with all these mail-order catalogs? Now that I'm sick, I finally have time to look through them.
You gotta see this.
"The World's Best Earwax Removal System".
And if you act now, they'll toss in "The World's Best Bunion Scraper".
All right, off we go.
We're going to the mall to pick up some CD's.
You know what? I'll go with you.
Wait a minute.
You don't have to go anywhere.
I've got a music catalog that'll save you money.
Look at this.
Fifteen CD's for a penny.
Well, it sounds great.
But who's Pat Boone? - We'll be home before dinner.
- OK.
- Hey, guys.
- Hello, Dad.
Well, honey, how are you feeling? How do I look? That's what I thought.
- Help is on the way.
Look what I got.
- Oh.
I got antihistamines.
I got decongestants, analgesics.
I got daytime decongestant.
I've got nighttime decongestant.
You take two of everything here and that flu'll be out of your system in an hour.
If I take two of everything here, I'll be dead in an hour.
Think it'll take the whole hour? - So, how was work today? - Not so good.
- Heidi's marriage is in trouble.
- What? - Yeah.
She and Scott are separated.
- Oh, my God.
That's terrible.
Apparently, it hasn't been good for quite a while.
Oh, no.
I have to call her.
She probably wants a woman to talk to.
It's all taken care of.
She's having dinner with Al.
That's a good question.
The show's about to begin.
Enjoy yourselves.
- Heidi? - Hi, Tim.
I thought you needed time off.
I did, too.
But then I had dinner with Al.
- He put everything in perspective.
- You and Scott getting back together? I don't know.
But I've made it over this first hurdle.
Al really helped me get in touch with my rage.
No one brings out rage better than Al.
- Good morning, Tim.
- Hi, Al.
I don't know what you talked about with Heidi.
But it did a lot of good.
Well, last night was pretty incredible for me, too, you know.
We talked about everything from the weather to intimate details of her life.
Forget the weather.
How about the other stuff? Well, basically, you know, after Amy was born, Heidi didn't feel very sexual.
Scott wasrt understanding and that turned Heidi off to sex even more.
- So they're not uh - No.
Not for a while.
But before the baby, Oh, my God! What? What? Well, I've already said too much.
I don't want to betray Heidi's confidence.
- I can respect that.
- OK.
Now, I could guess some things.
If I'm real close, you could just nod.
Everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor and Al "The most sensitive guy in the world" Borland! Woo-hoo! Good morning.
Good morning.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
Something's different.
Let me guess.
You did something with your hair, didn't you? It's a sinus mask.
OK? But if it doesn't work, it's totally returnable.
I'd love to be the second owner of that thing.
Before you waste more money, Al's got a bunch of homoerotic remedies.
Why don't I call him? Speaking of work, how's Heidi doing? Very well, thanks to Al.
And he's really taking care of her problems.
Heidi must be grateful to have a friend like Al.
Stay in the shower, Al.
I got it.
Good morning.
Borland residence.
Uh, wrong number.
- Who was it? - It sounded like one of the Muppets.
Is something wrong? Heidi just answered the phone at Al's house at 7:30 in the morning.
She must've spent the night there.
Now I feel sick.
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
I've got this image of Al and Heidi.
Get out of my head! Get out of my head! Heidi did not sleep with Al.
First of all, she's a married woman.
And second of all, she, she wouldn't go for a guy like Al.
Her husband is tall and handsome.
I mean, he spends more time at the gym than Al does at Hickory Farms.
Honey, I'm not saying that it happened.
But I could understand how a woman like Heidi could fall for a guy like Al.
In what universe? Women like Heidi have had the gorgeous hunks.
The second time around, they want somebody less exciting, more dependable.
Me I went for number two first.
You don't understand.
You do not understand.
Al is like a dependable four-door Rambler and Heidi like a twelve-cylinder Ferrari.
They don't belong in the same garage.
And yet she parked overnight there.
Nothing happened! But I won't rest until I find out what's going on.
Oh, Tim.
Look, even if they were parked in the same garage, you are not their mechanic.
You're just being petty.
Oh, I'm being petty? Yeah.
Why should you be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman? - Hi, Al.
- Hey.
Hey, would you help me put my tool belt on? I just touched up my nails.
- Okey-dokey.
- Thank you.
- Hey.
- Yeah? I just want to tell you how wonderful it's been for me these past few days.
Well, it's been pretty incredible for me, too.
You're really a special lady.
You have a good show.
- You, too.
- OK.
- Morning, Tim.
- Is it? Hey! How are you doing, buddy? Good.
You know, I, uh, called your house this morning and Heidi answered the phone.
- So, you're Kermit? - Maybe.
Well, anyway, Jill and I got to talking and we were thinking that maybe you and Heidi were What? You know.
Even though I told her that a Rambler couldn't jump-start a Ferrari.
But, you know So you're saying it would be impossible for Heidi to be interested in Al? No.
I don't believe it.
But other people are talking.
Well, those other people can think what they want.
But, uh, would those other people be right or would they be wrong? Well, Tim, are you asking me to talk about my personal life at work? Yes.
I think it's about time we opened up and shared our experiences.
I, uh, I actually have something I'd like to share.
Let it go.
Don't hold anything back.
The truth is, Heidi and I Yeah? Yeah? are entitled to our privacy.
There's 40 bucks well spent.
Hey, this happens to be the world's best tissue disposer.
It shreds, decontaminates, and deodorizes.
I wonder if it would work on your meatloaf.
I'll be back in about an hour.
All right? Where are you going? I'm gonna go over to Al's house and do some repairs.
- Dad, it's ten o'clock at night.
- I'm a conscientious landlord, son.
The same landlord who said, "Al, do you really need heat in February?" What are you gonna fix with these binoculars? That is such an insulting question I'm not even gonna answer it.
You have sunk this low.
You're gonna go spy on poor Al.
I just don't want him hurt.
I'm gonna need those back.
Forget about it.
You're not going there.
There's nothing wrong with being curious.
You are not curious; you're obsessed.
I'm not obsessed.
Last night you cried out their names in your sleep.
And after that I just cried.
It's torture having this image filling up my brain.
Especially with space at such a premium.
Something smells good out here, Wilson.
What are you doing? I'm boiling up some sap for the Michigan Maple Festival.
Speaking of saps, wait till you hear what Al's been doing.
You don't have to tell me.
I've heard all about it.
What? What Al told me is in strictest confidence.
- Well, you know, Wilson - Mm-hm? I could get you a riding mower from Binford.
Sixteen-horse rear-bagger for cost plus ten.
Sorry, neighbor.
I can't be bought.
Why would Al tell you and not me? Well, maybe because I didn't search his locker for long brown hairs.
Which, according to the lab, either belonged to a collie or Al's mother.
Tim, why are you so interested in Al and Heidi's personal life? I don't know.
I've never cared about Al's personal life before.
And I've never asked Heidi about hers.
But you put the two of them together There's that image again.
Tim, have you ever heard of the term "cognitive dissonance?" You know I'm not into politics.
Cognitive dissonance is when pieces of our lives no longer make sense.
Beliefs we always held true seem to be false so we reorder our way of thinking.
Are you saying a Rambler could hook bumpers with a Ferrari? It's very possible.
No, no.
If what you say is true then everything I believe is false.
- Now, Tim.
That's not necessarily - Let me go with this for a minute.
OK? This means that maybe cars aren't the most important thing in the world.
- Ohh - No, wait a minute.
Opera's more manly than football? - Neighbor - Al's mother is thin? Tim, it's not easy to change one's perceptions.
But it can be very healthy.
Some people might say it's a growth experience.
OK, Wilson.
How far does this go? How do I really know you are who I think you are? - How do I know you're who I think? - How do I know you said that? - How do I know you heard? - How do I know you're here? Who else would have the time to come out and listen to this silly conversation? Hey, Al.
Can I talk to you for a minute? I don't think so.
I'm not gonna feed your appetite for lurid gossip and tawdry innuendo.
And, by the way, I installed an alarm on my locker.
I shouldn't have gotten involved in your personal life.
From now on, your business is your business, all right? Well, I appreciate that.
If there's any other part of my life you want to talk about, I'm an open book.
I'm not much of a reader.
- Have a good show.
- OK.
- Good morning, Al.
- How are ya? - Oh, I feel so great this morning.
- Oh, I feel pretty great myself.
How about Sorentino's for dinner tonight? All week long it's "Fettuccine Madness"! - I'm afraid I can't make it.
- Why not? Well, thanks to the things you said, I saw Scott last night.
And we're gonna get back together.
Isn't that great? Oh, that's so great! Yes, that's Good for you! - Thanks.
I got you a something.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I wanted to.
- Oh, thank you.
I also want to thank you for letting me sleep on your hide-a-bed.
Well, now I call it the Heidi-bed.
Oh, it's The Tiki Hut Cookbook! - Do you like it? - I love this! Now I can make pupu at home.
Hey, Al.
Thank you for everything.
Oh, well Uh, Heidi Uh can I just talk to you about one thing? Sure.
What? Well, after that night you stayed at my house, Tim got this crazy idea that, that you and I might have How do I say this? - Slept together.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that's it.
And he thought that was impossible because he doesn't think a beautiful woman like you could ever be interested in, in a guy like me.
Oh, is that so? Well, let me tell you something, Al.
If I werert married, you're exactly the type of guy I'd be looking for.
Thank you.
I wish, I wish Tim could hear you say that.
You know, I don't think Tim really needs to hear anything.
- Howdy, Wilson.
- Hidy-ho.
Not hidy-ho.
Let's talk Heidi-Al.
Tim, are you still obsessing about that? Well, I wasrt until today when I saw Heidi kissing Al.
And no peck on the cheek.
She just drove it home.
- Tim.
- Yeah? Get a hobby.
I think you're right about what you said yesterday.
Nothing's right with me.
I think I am suffering from communist discotheque.
Tim, can we chat about this tomorrow? I am a little busy.
Wilson, where do you keep a copy of Lady Chatterley's Lover? I gotta get some new friends.
You'd think with all the money you pull down you could afford the rest of those pantaloonies You'd think with the money you make I have I have I have I have to say the word "culottes" just once.
You don't want to be the only one with a desirable woman.

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