Home Improvement s07e20 Episode Script

The Write Stuff

This condominium is part of the estate of the late Mrs.
Wallis Danforth.
Late? Heck, I bet she doesn't even show up.
Tim, Mrs.
Danforth is dead.
That would explain the tardiness then, wouldn't it? - I guess we'll just go on without her.
- That's right.
- As will Mr.
- Tim.
With a swinging bachelor pad, he's gonna have big parties.
What we'll be doing today is we're going to take this wall out so we can increase the flow from the living room into the dining room area.
But before there's construction, there's destruction.
And who would know more about that than you, Tim? I love destruction.
Before you take out any wall, you want to make sure that it's non-load bearing.
Simplest way to do that is check out your blueprints.
This wall is non-load bearing, so we can rip it out.
And the safest, quickest way, is using a claw hammer.
And to handle our debris, we'll be using this trash chute.
It goes directly down to the dumpster below.
Good thing to remember: One square foot of wall equals one cubic foot of debris.
Remember that when reserving a dumpster.
- Thank you "Humpty-Dumpster.
" - All right.
Now, we also have these buckets here for easy cleanup.
Tim, do you have to make such a mess? No, I don't have to, but I want to.
I really, really, want to.
Next, we'll show you how to take out a stud.
Just buy me a meal baby.
We'll do the town together.
I don't think so, Tim.
I'm using a reciprocating saw on these two-by-fours, it doesn't seem to work.
A reason for that, Al, is because these boards are hard and brittle, and maybe some knots in them.
That's why I'm going to use a 30 pound sledge.
Actually, a 20 ounce hammer would do the same thing.
Where would the fun be in that? And I got kinda of a clever idea.
In order to get a solid grip on this, I put some sticky stuff on my gloves.
Same stuff the NFL players use to grab onto the ball.
Got it from my buddies at the Lions.
Well, that "sticky stuff" is against NFL rules.
I mean, I got it from the Chicago Bears.
I know what I'll do next time.
I'll put the sticky stuff on my hands, put the gloves on top, then put another coat.
That way I'll get a firm grip.
Always think safety.
I'll do it right now.
Speaking of safety, it's always a good idea to clean up as you go along.
Tim, this is really heavy.
Let me see it.
Oh, wait, get your hands off of there.
All right look at this.
Use your own momentum, Heidi.
Watch this.
Swing it back, and right out the window.
Look at this.
"Genetic Mutations in the Second Half of the Twentieth Century?" That's ambitious for a high school newspaper.
I'm excited about this one, I've been working on it for two weeks.
You know, you're commitment to quality comes from my side of the family.
What makes you say that? Tool Time.
- Hi, honey.
Hey Randy.
- Hey.
Guess what? I have a surprise for you.
- Oh, I love surprises.
- We're being audited.
- I hate surprises.
- Yep.
They want all of your business receipts from three years ago.
- They do? - Yeah.
These guys are nosy.
Who do they think they are? They're the IRS.
They can take away your possessions, your house, cars No, no no.
I love my country, but no feds are touching my cars.
How are we set with ammo? - Find the receipts.
- This will take forever.
I know.
Hey everybody.
Hi guy.
I talked to my college advisor, she said I need more extracurricular activities.
You can help me and your mom start our own country.
I talked to the editor of the school newspaper about writing articles.
- I didn't know you liked writing.
- I didn't think you knew how to write.
Randy, instead of putting your brother down, you could help him out.
First you want to come up with an idea you're interested in writing about.
I got something you can write about.
How big government bullies the little car guy, huh.
- I'll think of the ideas on my own.
- Good luck.
Randy, haven't you learned that luck has nothing to do with my success? What success? You live with you parents and share a bathroom with Mark.
You live in the basement, with no windows, and a laundry chute.
But it's mine.
All mine.
At the end of my article I will introduce data from the EPA and the DEP.
Now will that data include the number of people who fall asleep reading the data? I thought you'd take more interest in mutation, seeing as how you are one.
Randy, don't stoop to his level.
Let me.
You're a geek.
Hey everybody.
Sorry I'm late, I got my hand stuck in the soda machine.
Well, since you're the brother of our top reporter, we'll go easy on you.
Everybody, listen up.
This is Brad Taylor.
- Hi Brad.
- Hey.
Have you thought about your article? Yeah.
I wanna do something on sports and stuff.
That'd be great if our paper were called News and Junk.
What specifically did you have in mind? Articles on Lakeside High sports, like the locker room buzz.
We can get workout tips from our athletes, and ask them questions like "Hey yo, so what do you look for in a babe?" So that's my idea.
- And it sounds really cool.
- It has some promise.
Matt, I can work with Brad, and help him come up with something more substantial.
Why don't we let Brad run with his idea? Brad, have your article in by Friday, and we'll see what you come up with.
- OK? - All right, cool, thanks.
Hey, yo.
So, did you ever think I'd be working with you on this newspaper? Hey, no.
Tim, do you have those receipts we talked about? Got them right here, all categorized and alphabetized.
Next time, I'm not letting the government off so easy.
I'm gonna claim all seven dependents.
- Seven? - Three boys, four cars.
You can't count the cars as dependents.
Why not? I buy them things, I feed them, I bathe them.
Guess what? They loved my idea for the paper.
- Hey, good for you.
- Congratulations.
Hey, you and Randy are going to be the next Woodward and Bernstein.
Excuse me? I think Joanne Woodward married Paul Newman.
Is that the spaghetti sauce guy? Not only does he make spaghetti sauce, but salad dressing and popcorn, and, the dude races cars.
Now that's a talented guy.
This is a bill for when you shorted the circuits, how is that an expense? 'Cause I put out the fire with a Binford fire extinguisher.
- Hey guys.
- Hello Randy.
We heard Brad's going to be working on the paper with you? The editor's going to let him write.
But now the real work begins, he's gotta have his article in by Friday.
All right.
See you guys, I'm going to the mall.
Shouldrt you start writing your article? I've already done it.
I did it during Spanish class, it's muy bueno.
You wrote an entire article in 45 minutes? Si Señor.
Hey Brad, do you mind if we look at the article? - No, go ahead.
- OK.
- Thanks.
See ya.
- All right.
I'll be home before dinner.
"Hey Yo.
By Brad Taylor.
" I like the title.
"A locker room survey shows that our baseball team prefers boxers to briefs eight to one.
The one wearing the tightie whities declined to comment.
" That's probably because the strap was cutting his breath off.
This is pure fluff.
"Tennis team's Drew Levin is now dating his doubles partner Debbie Silverman.
" Way to go, Drew.
Mom, they'll never put this in the paper.
Look, it's not a hard-hitting exposé, but I bet the kids will find it fun.
If every paper had reporting like this, we'd have a nation filled with idiots.
This is great.
- Hey Randy.
- Hey.
This weeks paper is out.
That was a really great article.
Thanks, there was more I wanted to say, but I didn't want to hog the front page.
Um, technically, you're not on the front page.
Technically, where am I? You know, I don't think that's really important.
What matters is that you got your message across.
My message is on the page with next weeks lunch menu.
I'm buried under Salisbury steak.
Randy, it's not that big a deal.
It is to me.
What could be so important that it bumps me off the front page.
"Hey yo, look who's got a remedy for jock itch?" - Great article.
- Ah, Gracias.
Randy, I'm sending the paper to everyone I know, what class I should send it? How 'bout low class? Whoa, I sense some hostility.
And why would that be, Brad? Could it be because I spent two weeks writing my article, to have it bumped off the front page with your mindless drivel? Maybe yours got bumped off because mine was better.
Let's see.
Ecosystem on the verge of collapse, or rash in the groin area.
- Hi Guys.
- Know what your problem is? - You're jealous of me.
- Please, what would I be jealous about? That people like my article better, or maybe people just like me better.
- Brad.
- Jill.
I'm more popular, more athletic, and it looks like I'm a better writer.
You are such a deluded egomaniac.
You're the one that's deluded.
You think people want to read your boring crap.
- Knock it off! - Guys, guys, guys, stop! What is the problem here? The problem is your older should be writing an article called Hey Duh.
Hey, I'm taller than you too! Good comeback, Brad.
Oh well.
It's good to know they're both getting along real well at the paper.
Well, look.
Hey Yo is on the front page.
Oh, Great.
Randy's article is way back here by the Look, they make Salisbury steak the same way I do.
Oh man, Randy must just feel awful about this.
Why? Because his mom cooks like a cafeteria lady? Brad stole the spotlight, we're going to have to help them out.
Honey, no.
I grew up with four brothers.
The last thing these two need is their parents interfering.
I know it's better to let them work this out on their own, but I'm their mommy, and they're being so mean to each other.
- Their mommy? - Well.
- Do you think they'll work this out.
- Yes, yes.
My brothers and I fought all the time, we always worked through it.
And after the cast came off and Jeff got used to his glass eye, we were best friends.
Of all the people that they could have audited, why'd they pick us? Seems pretty obvious they go after the major celebrities.
Mind if I put Brad's article up on the refrigerator? No, I think that's so sweet that you're so proud of him.
Actually, I'm doing it to annoy Randy.
See, the more they fight, the less they rag on me.
You guys know where Randy is? I need to talk to him.
Talking is good.
That's a good idea.
Hey idiot.
Why didn't you tell me Samantha called? Oh, well I'd figured she'd call you back seeing as how you're popular and tall.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Shut up! You know what my next article's gonna be? Hey Yo, guess who beat the crap out of his brother.
I have a new title.
Guess who beat the crap his pea-brain brother.
- So what are you trying to say? - Tim, do something.
I'll handle this.
Boys! Take it outside.
- All right, let's go.
- All right.
Look, you go talk to one of them, I'll talk to the other.
Let them take care of this themselves.
Maybe you're right.
Maybe I'm underreacting.
Guys, guys, guys.
Come on.
Split up.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on, guys.
Stay out here, I want to talk to you, all right? - You all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.
Look, I want to tell you a story about when I was 14.
- Oh God, not the flute story again.
- It's not the flute story, OK.
Now, this is a story about my mother.
She bought me my very first tuba.
Oh, this is the flute story! It's a good story.
I know, but I can't sit through it again.
You know how much I hate it when you guys fight.
Then you should be telling your flute story to Mr Hey Yo Yo.
I wouldn't interfere if you guys worked this out.
What's the big deal if we don't? The big deal is that Brad's going away to college in a year.
And you only have so much time left, that you could hang out together, you should take advantage.
That would work, if we could stand the sight of each other.
I don't believe that's true, I don't think you do either.
I do.
- What's going on with you? - I don't want to talk about it.
Look, all brothers fight, OK.
When I was a kid, I got in a fight with Uncle Steve.
I borrowed his 56 Chevy without permission.
- Dad, what's your point? - I drove it into Corton Lake.
Oh man, I bet when Uncle Steve beat you up, it hurt.
He roughed me up a little bit.
This fight put a big distance between us, it really hurt our relationship.
Well, Uncle Steve's a lot bigger.
I mean he's got those huge arms.
What I'm saying is, this fight can hurt your relationship with your brother.
Well yeah, I bet Uncle Steve whooped your butt.
He didn't whoop my butt.
As a matter of fact, if he were here right now, I'd whoop his butt.
He's bigger and softer now.
I'd grab Mr Porkbelly by the flab and go Who's the kid now, huh?! Dad.
Dad! - In a minute.
I tell you - Dad! What?! I know what you're trying to say.
But if you think I'm gonna talk to Randy, you can forget it, I would hate to think a newspaper article would come between you.
Yeah, well why don't you go tell that to Mutant Boy.
And I don't like you calling him names.
You just called Uncle Steve Mr Porkbelly.
Well, that's a term of affection, you know, because I like bacon.
- Well hidy-ho, Taylor-teen.
- Oh hey, Wilson.
Shouldrt you put those newspapers in the recycling bin? Nah, thanks to Hey Yo, this paper is definitely trash.
Oh, I take it you didn't like Brad's article.
Did you read it? Yes, he gave a copy of it to me a few moments ago.
I'm surprised he didn't frame it for you.
Well actually, he did.
I've worked two years at that paper trying to produce quality journalism.
Then Brad waltzes in and steals your thunder.
It's not so much that he stole my thunder, it's what he stole it with.
Jock itch.
You got it.
Randy, let me ask you something.
If Brad had written a brilliant article, would you feel any differently? I might be a bit jealous, but at least I would've respected it.
Despite what anyone may think of Brad's article, it doesn't diminish yours.
You know, Robert Kennedy once said: Each time a man stands up for an ideal, he sends forth a tiny ripple of hope.
I'd like to believe that, but how do I keep pouring my heart into my writing if people are more interested in who's scratching where.
You know Randy, once I was a young columnist for the Wichita Star, then I got bumped from my feature column by this hot-shot named Walter Winchell.
- Walter Winchell? - The God of Gossip, The Earl of Innuendo, The Duke of - Wilson, I get it.
- No, I've got one more.
The Baron of Baloney.
What were you gonna say? I was so outraged by being upstaged by Winchell, I wanted to quit.
And then suddenly, I realized, if more people buy the paper to read Winchell, more people are gonna read mine.
So maybe Hey Yo can do for me what Winchell did for you? Absolutely.
Because of him, the readership doubled for my column, Rock Beat.
- You wrote about Rock and Roll? - No, no, no, no, no.
Here's your research, Brad.
Cheerleader Jenny Morrison is doing some major padding.
A baton twirler has actually seen Jenny wad the tissues.
- Nah, I'm not gonna print that.
- Why not? Because this is Hey Yo, I have standards.
Brad, you printed the names of the guys who don't shower after gym class.
Yeah, you're just mad because your name was on the list.
Hey Brad? Yeah, if you need the computer, I'm almost off.
Nah, it's all right.
- Listen, I wanted to talk to you.
- About what? Well, I just re-read your article, and I took some shots at it that werert fair.
And you liked it? Well, I thought there was some good things in it.
You know, I didn't know our mascot was allergic to cats.
You know, you're kinda like a modern day Walter Winchell.
The donut guy? OK.
So, what are you planning on writing about next? I haven't really thought about it.
Still coming down from my last article.
Yeah, it was pretty intense.
You actually read it? Yeah, I read it.
I didn't really understand what I was reading, but, I can definitely tell you are a talented writer.
Maybe one day we can combine our talents and write something together.
Hey Yo, did you see what Ralph Nader wore to the latest EPA conference? Well if he's got jock itch, we've got a story.
This auditor is in for a big surprise.
After adding together all the receipts, we overpayed, we're getting a refund.
Hello speedboat.
Uh, three dollars and seventeen cents.
- Hello sunblock.
- Yeah.
You know, as long as we're in this tax mode, I think we should finish this years taxes, and mail them in early.
Why would we want to do that? Because, every year we wait until five minutes before midnight on April 15th, and then you get in the car and drive your face drenched with sweat.
Please don't take that away from me.
Welcome back to Tool Time on location.
Thank you, Heidi.
We're back on Well I'm using a reciprocating saw on these two by fours but it does You all right there, Heidi? I talked to my college advisor, she said I need more extracurricular activities.
You can start by helping your mom and me Well, I have a new article for your title.
No I don't, I have a new title for your article.
You're overreacting, let them deal with it themselves.

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