Home Improvement s08e20 Episode Script


Well, I'm ready for the big hockey game.
You can't wear that shirt.
It's all stained.
Mom, these happen to be the soda stains from the '97 Stanley Cup finals.
That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
With one possible exception.
JILL: What are those? Blood stains? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, that's when Yzerman bounced a puck off of Dad's chin.
But if anybody deserves to get hit tonight, it's gotta be Wilson.
It's his birthday.
Remember that.
That's right, yeah.
Oh, no.
I didn't get him anything.
I forgot all about it.
Don't worry.
We're taking him to the hockey game.
And I got him something.
A little jersey.
Look at this.
Not bad, eh? No, no, no, no.
It's too nice and clean.
You're gonna have to rub some nachos on it.
Nachos aren't right.
Mustard would look good with this.
And for Wilson, maybe a Grey Poupon.
All right, Dad.
I'm gonna go warm up the car.
Hey, don't forget the octopi, all right? What do you think I am? An idiot? I thought they wouldn't let you bring those in there anymore.
The real fan always finds a way.
See you, Dad.
Where are you going? Out with Jenny Curtis for pizza.
I think I got a shot at being her boyfriend.
Jenny Curtis.
Is she in your film club? That really pretty one that's president of the honor society? Yup.
And she's actually thinking about dating a guy like me.
What does that mean? "A guy like you.
" Well, you know, fairly smart, average-looking, but kind of geeky.
Your basic five.
You are not a five! You're great-looking, funny, smart, and you're a ten.
Mom, I don't want to be a ten.
Jenny thinks all tens are pig-headed jerks.
I'm better off being a five.
So you're trying to be geeky, but not too geeky? It's a fine line.
Don't want to forget this.
Hey, smell my finger.
WILSON: Oh, Tim, these are great seats.
What a wonderful birthday present! Happy birthday, Wilson.
How old are you now? Counting all my lives, That doesn't include the years I was frozen.
Yeah, lucky me, I sit behind a human giraffe.
Brad, I'd be glad to switch with you.
Yeah, will you, please? All right, come on, hurry up.
There's gonna be a face-off, you guys.
All right.
Did you know that hockey originated with the Iroquois Indians? Their original term for the game was "hoghee.
" The Iroquois, huh? What did they use for a puck? Buffalo chips? No.
In the Iroquois version, they used actual human skulls.
Really? No! You know, another interesting fact about hockey Did you realize the first professional team was organized in Houghton, Michigan, in 1903? Don't know.
Don't care.
Time to meet my little friend! (WHOOPING) Hey, what idiot just threw this? It was an accident.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, oh, it's okay.
It's probably my fault for having my head there.
Hey, hey, yo, yo, yo.
Game's this way.
That's the end of the first period.
So it's time for our very special surprise giveaway.
All right! Well, you seem very excited about this contest.
Forget the contest.
It's time for the Zamboni.
And the winning seat is section 12, row 8, seat 22.
It's you.
Holy Mother Hubbard, it is me! We got a winner here, everybody! Wait, wait a second.
Tim, this should be your prize.
You bought the ticket.
I bought the ticket for your birthday.
It's all yours.
Well, it should be Brad's.
He gave me his seat.
Dad, the man's got a point.
No, whosever butt Whosever butt is in the seat wins the prize, period.
Well, I've got an idea.
Let's go halvsies.
Halvsies? Men don't go halvsies.
Men don't even say "halvsies.
" Would the winner come with me, please? TIM: Right here.
Pardon me, pardon me, pardon me.
Man, I can't believe this! Oh, be happy for him.
You wouldn't want the prize anyway.
Last game they gave away a year's supply of pudding.
I like pudding.
ANNOUNCER: This is the biggest giveaway in the history of Joe Louis Arena.
He's up on the screen.
Wilson Wilson, as the one millionth visitor this season, Bay City Motors would like to present you with this check for $10,000! Ten thousand dollars.
That's a lot of pudding.
How'd it go with Jenny? Terrible.
Edward Meany was at the pizza place.
I think Jenny's interested in him.
How come? Well, he used to be a good-looking ten.
But now he got glasses and started a ham radio club.
He's a five.
I'm dead.
Hello, guys.
How was the game? Well, the Wings lost.
But Wilson won.
The biggest fan giveaway ever.
Ten thousand dollars.
Wilson won $10,000? That's unbelievable.
You know what's unbelievable? I paid for the ticket.
Want to know what's more unbelievable, is that I gave him my seat.
He's just gonna keep all that money? Yeah.
Because Dad told him that guys don't split stuff.
It's when I thought the prize was pudding! I enjoy pudding.
Look, guys, you know Wilson needs the money.
He hasn't painted his house in years.
And he needs a new roof.
And a new furnace.
Maybe a new hat.
I bet he spends that money on something stupid like books.
Well, hi-ho, Taylors.
Well, Tim, I walked into my house and I had a huge epiphany.
After all that cotton candy, it was bound to catch up with you.
I was looking at all my gardening magazines and I came up with a great idea of how to spend my excess wealth.
Unless, of course, you've reconsidered.
You want to split? As a matter of fact, I No.
Happy birthday, Wilson.
Oh, Jill.
Make a wish.
Oh, thank you.
Yay! Oh, oh, oh, thank you.
So what are you gonna do with all this money? Well, I've decided, instead of buying my plants, I'm gonna grow my own.
You're gonna grow your own? Brad, you can't go over there anymore.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not those kind of plants.
All my life I've dreamed of building a greenhouse and now this money puts me over the top.
That's a great idea.
That is a great idea.
You know why? Why? We're looking for a spring project on Tool Time.
We could help you design it and build it.
Tim, that would be fantastic! Wait.
You're gonna spend all that money on a greenhouse? Yes, indeedy.
I can grow anything I want.
Can you grow pudding? Does everybody know what time it is? Tool Time! Tool Time! That's right! Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! (ALL CHEERING) Thank you, everybody.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
And of course, you all know my assistant, Al "The Bad Seed" Borland.
Thank you.
Well, today we're talking about one of the greatest pleasures in my life, horticulture.
You know, that's legal in Nevada, baby.
I'm talking about gardening.
I'm sure you are.
Today we're gonna show you how to put up a beautiful garden greenhouse in your yard.
And for that we have a special guest today who's embarking on just such a project.
He's a good friend and neighbor of mine, Wilson Wilson.
Heidi, my neighbor, please.
Hidey-ho, Tim.
Well, let's get started.
Now, the first step in building a greenhouse is to determine site, size and materials.
The site will be Wilson's backyard.
What I've selected for him is this pre-fab It's got redwood.
It's got fiberglass panels.
And it'll fit snug up against his house.
Well, this is very nice, Tim.
But I still prefer my original idea of this Victorian style.
Well, we already went over that backstage.
It's just not good for the site.
It's a little too frou-frou.
Tim, it's so pretty.
I rest my case.
Well, it's more than pretty.
Look at this.
It's all steel, real glass windows, wooden frames.
How big is that gonna be, Wilson? It's just too big.
But, Tim, I'm gonna need a lot of space.
I'll be growing plants and vegetables from all my travels around the world.
Chinese rhododendron, Italian bellflowers.
As nice as the design is, it would just take up your entire backyard, Wilson.
But who needs a backyard when you're swimming in Japanese gingkoes? How true! But your neighbor has to look at this ugly thing though, huh? Maybe Wilson could plant some decorative ivy.
Mother's always been partial to vines.
That's because she swings from them.
Folks, whenever you take on a construction project of this size, you want to consult your neighbor.
But Tim, you have never consulted me at Christmas time when you put an entire amusement park on your roof.
Those Christmas decorations that he speaks of are seasonal.
This freakin' thing is a nightmare! Have you lost your mind? Well, we'll find that out right after these words from Binford.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING) Wilson, you can't build this in your backyard.
There's codes.
You gotta get building permits.
Actually, as long as he leaves a 5-foot easement between your properties, getting a variance should be okay.
I work part-time for the zoning commission.
How would you like to make that full-time? I can't let you build this thing in your backyard.
Tim, I do not need your permission.
And I don't like the attitude.
And I don't think we need to hear about it.
We're back on the air, guys.
Well, maybe you are.
But I am not.
WILSON: Hello and goodbye! You can't leave in the middle of the show.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Hey, welcome back, everybody.
Good to have you here.
Our guest had to leave quite suddenly.
So right now Al, why don't you tell us your favorite part of gardening? Well, I'd have to say it's getting down and dirty with my hoe.
(BURPS) Mom, when's dinner? I'm starving.
Oh, it'll just be a few minutes.
How's it going? Great.
Edward got contact lenses and a new haircut.
He's really looking good now.
Mark, is there something we need to talk about? No! No.
Edward's back to being a ten, so Jenny doesn't like him anymore.
And tomorrow night, she's coming over to study with me.
Maybe you should wear that new cool shirt I got you.
What, are you crazy? That would make me a seven.
Hi, sweetie.
I made my hamburger casserole for dinner tonight.
We got bigger problems than that.
Did you watch Tool Time today? Working on the thesis.
Wilson wouldn't go with our design.
Instead, he wants to build some 32-foot Victorian monstrosity in his yard.
I swear the guy's gone construction-crazy.
It's funny how you recognize the symptoms in others.
You know, I don't think you'll find it all that humorous when our yard is invaded by Italian Harvey Wallbangers and Japanese Pinkos.
So now you're worried about what he's planting? Not just that.
What about the riffraff that a big greenhouse is gonna attract? What riffraff? Botanist.
Hello! If you're so worried about this, why don't you just go outside and talk to Wilson? I tried to talk to him at work and he just ran off the set.
Well, you know, it's Wilson's property.
Ultimately, if he wants to build this thing, I don't think there's much you can do about it.
Oh, really? I tell you one thing, when I jumpstart this brain, I can do anything.
So 100 years from now, Wilson's got trouble.
I'm really glad you decided to study with me.
I love history.
Why don't you quiz me? Okay.
Who won the Battle of the Bulge? Oprah.
The Allies defeated the Germans in Belgium.
You're right.
You're very smart.
Well, I'm not that smart.
Well, you know, on a scale of one to ten, I'm about a five.
I love a five.
Is it hot in here? Did you want to take a break? Go sit outside? It's cold out here.
You want to go back inside? No.
I'm okay.
I wonder how they kept warm during World War II? You know, interesting you should say that, because their uniforms were actually made out of a heavy-duty wool.
WILSON: Tim! What? Jenny, I'm sorry.
I'd better go.
Goodbye, five, hello, two.
Dad, I just stuck my nose in Jenny's eye.
Chicks dig that.
Tim, what in the Sam Hill are those lights all about? What lights? Those blinding towers of halogen.
Oh, those.
I just got them from work.
I'm trying a new security-lighting system.
You know darn well they'll screw up my botany experiments.
Will they? Constant light causes photoperiodism.
My plants need to flower properly! Do they? I cannot believe you are being so petty about this greenhouse.
The design was bogus and overdone.
Even that Even that drawing was a joke.
The drawing was a joke? Yes! No, no, no, Tim.
You, those ridiculous lights, that is the joke! Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
But this is my yard and I can put up any lights I want.
And this is my property.
I'll put up a ten-foot aluminum wall.
It will reflect the light back at you.
There are zoning laws, you know! Then I'll get a variance.
Then I'll get a variance to make my lights even higher and brighter.
Well, then I'll get another variance to make my wall even higher.
Well, I guess we got a lot of work to do! Fine! Fine! Hello! Is anybody home? (SCREAMS) What the? TIM: I guess they work, huh? Tim? I'm over here.
What is this? What are you doing? I'm adding to my arsenal.
Bigger, brighter, better.
This is insane.
When is this idiocy gonna end? When Wilson grows up.
Wilson is your best friend.
If you keep this up, you're gonna lose him.
So I'll get another best friend.
I'll call Al.
Maybe he knows someone who'll be my best friend.
So you think it's gonna be that easy to replace Wilson? You talk to him about everything.
Whenever we have a fight, you go outside.
You start How far did you say this greenhouse was gonna extend? Right over to the fence.
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.
What's that supposed to mean? I get the feeling if Wilson didn't live next-door, I'd be the only one taking out the garbage.
Uh? Come on, honey, we both know why you don't want this greenhouse to happen.
It's ugly.
Tim It's a Victorian monstrosity.
Tim It's too big.
Honey! It fills up the whole yard.
I won't be able to go out and talk to Wilson.
I really like to be able to go out to the fence and talk to my friend Wilson.
You know, he's really good with aluminum.
You gotta give him that, you know? Wilson, you're not gonna need those panels anymore.
Why? You planning an airborne assault? I'm taking down the lights.
You're taking down the lights? Yes.
It's your property.
If you want to, you can load it up with Japanese geishas.
I don't care.
You're tunneling in, aren't you? You know, this isn't about building a greenhouse.
Well, then what's it about, Tim? It's so It would It came all the way to I would not I I really There's It's hard I come out I like coming to the fence.
To articulate the deep feelings you find difficult to communicate to other men.
Yes! You know, Tim, if I build this greenhouse the way I intended, you'd have to come around the house, knock on the door if you wanted to talk.
I could do that.
I could just call you on the phone if I wanted to.
I could get a computer.
We could e-mail.
We could do that.
You want to do that? Nah! Nah! You know, Tim, to tell you the truth, I rather enjoy being able to come out here and extemporaneously converse with you.
Not me.
I just like shooting the breeze.
You know, I know I was being stubborn about this greenhouse, but there was a reason.
I know.
Christmas, '85, I shot the Lamb of God right through your living room window.
Well, what was the reason then? You know, when my wife was alive, we always dreamed of having our own greenhouse where we could grow the plants we saw all over the world.
So you wanted to build this in honor of Katherine? Yeah.
She drew that sketch.
The one I called stupid.
I feel terrible.
I wouldn't I'm sorry.
Why didn't you just tell me this? Well, Tim, sometimes it's difficult for me to talk about my past.
I guess you and I just weren't in the backyard at the right time.
I don't want you to give up building the greenhouse now.
Well, I don't want to give it up, either.
But I'm gonna move it to the side yard.
You don't have enough room over there.
So I'll scale her down.
There's good afternoon sun over there.
I can grow some orchids.
I'd still like to help you build it.
All right! Well, I'd better get these lights down and back.
Tool Time set's kind of dark without them.
You need some help? No, I'll get them Hey! Are any of those reflectors parabolic? Well, yes.
Why? I've got an idea of some fun we can have a little later on tonight.
Hey, good morning, Wilson.
Well, hidey-ho, Tim.
I'm really glad we worked things out.
Yes, indeedy.
Now we can come out here and talk all we want.
Come out here and talk all we want.
(SIGHS) So, Tim, is something on your mind? No, not really.
Maybe you had a quote or an anecdote you want to share? No, not a one.
Well, maybe this situation will remind you of a story or someone you met.
Nothing comes to mind.
No? (YAWNS) Well, all right then.
Just take out the garbage.
I'll go back to grooming my squirrels for St.
Paddy's Day.
Hey, later on, you want to go moon Borland with me? I'm there! Hi-ho, Tim.
Hey, Wilson.
Greetings, Al.
Well, let's get down to it.
Now, the first step in I really wanted to go out to I'd be taking out the garbage all the time.
Uh? Come on, honey.
You both Sorry.

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