Home Improvement s08e28 Episode Script

Backstage Pass

WOMAN: Okay, guys.
Thank you.
Have a good show, everybody.
We became just like a family, because over the years we developed a lot of love here.
A lot of love.
I don't know.
This is kind of a place where I've grown up for the past eight years.
I look at this as my home away from home.
That's exactly the way I remember it.
Okay, this is gonna be a great show.
(ALL LAUGHING) (AUDIENCE CHEERING) TIM: This is where some of the funny stuff happens that you've never seen.
Behind the scenes.
Between the takes.
Oh, I know you're Uncensored.
But wait.
There's more.
NARRATOR: You'll have a front-row seat for the emotional final bows.
And, last but not least, Wilson's face revealed.
All this and more coming up on Home Improvement: Backstage Pass.
For a show like this to be successful, everyone has to have a A role, like on deck.
I was the man that kept the boat on course, straight and narrow, always heading towards the sun.
Let's party! (EXCLAIMING) Honey! Daddy's waiting.
(SCREAMING) Yeah, baby.
Who's your daddy, huh? Get on down here.
Bring the cat.
Puncture him, put him in the microwave.
Well, you gotta put holes in it, otherwise it'll explode.
(SQUEAKILY) Over here.
Come here.
Come here.
MAN: (SQUEAKILY) Come here, snake.
All right.
(GROANING) (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We'd like to order one of those pizzas of yours.
I'll go with the sea squid and the pollen sperm.
After these messages, our double-wild bonus round.
Wow, wow, wow! Tim's acting style is somewhere between De Niro and Larry Storch, with a Yanni-like quality.
Now that we're finished showing you Wilson's metal sculptures "I'm Spartacus.
" "No, I'm Spartacus.
" "No, it's me.
I'm Spartacus.
" "I am Spartacus.
" (LISPING) "No, it's me.
I'm Spartacus, really.
I'm Spartacus.
Ask anybody.
" Real answer.
We don't have a daughter.
That's why we don't have a daughter, we don't have a daughter.
We just don't have a daughter.
We don't have a daughter.
We don't have a daughter.
We don't have a daughter.
We don't have We just do not have a daughter.
Pat and I, in many ways, it was just like a real marriage.
A lot of give and take.
You look real sexy.
I do? Yeah.
You got the legs for this.
Yeah? Hangs long.
I just wish it was shorter.
Even if you parked a brand-new car under a tree filled with hungry pigeons, you know, I'll call Triple A (LAUGHING) Even if you park a new car under Even if you do something as crazy as park a new car under a tree filled with just-fed Even if you do something as crazy as parking your car under a tree filled with birds, I am not And you didn't look at me once like that tonight.
Thanks a lot, Tim! Happy anniversary! Chicks.
We shared some very, very private moments.
You don't want to be the only one with an incredibly desirable woman.
You ripped your pants.
Especially when you laugh and that part of your body moves up and down I'm like a second father to the boys, you know? I used to bounce them on my knee, you know, wipe their noses He really taught us all the important things in life.
Grunting, burping Proper spit technique.
How to hock a loogie.
We'd play games.
He would read us stories.
He would sew us little outfits.
Ha! I'm gonna miss that.
You know, I hate living in this house! I mean, thanks to you guys, I'm stuck in a basement with my geeky brother, I've got no privacy, I've got no hospitality, and I'm saying the frikkin line wrong, so I'm gonna go back.
Oh, yeah? Well, I got a new article for your title.
No, I don't.
I have a new title for your article.
How was the PTA meeting? (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST) Great.
The metal-shop teacher and I heckled the principal the whole time.
No, I think having the birthday party two weeks before the real thing (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) For the boys' benefit, because they're young actors, I would blow a line.
It makes them more comfortable.
We'll go straight to the horse's mouth.
I didn't say anything.
That'll help.
This helps.
Growing up as a kid, all you want is a little discipline.
Tim never really gave us that.
(WOMAN SPEAKING) (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) Tim, he has some other methods of release.
You know, he really is a fabulous dancer.
I don't know who the hell ever said that, 'cause it's not true.
He's just in denial about it.
Do it now Yeah, hey Do it Play that funky music white boy Play that funky music right Play that funky music white boy Big jazz hands.
Lay down that boogie and play that funky music till you die Till you die Oh till you die We're not highly paid, but we're skilled.
We're not even that skilled.
NARRATOR: Still to come on Home Improvement: Backstage Pass.
Al and Wilson reminisce about their days with Tim.
Actually, I think the fence thing was Tim's idea.
NARRATOR: The cast and their emotional final farewells.
TIM: As much fun as it was to watch, it was to do.
NARRATOR: And you'll finally come face to face with Wilson.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Wilson and I were very close.
It was like father-son, brothers But there was something that always came between us, and I couldn't put I can't put my finger on it.
Something always was there.
It was a fence, Tim.
Yes! Two men separated only by wood.
It was comfortable.
It was easy.
It flowed.
You can't allow a challenge to make you forget what the point of the whole scene is about.
(STUTTERING) No See, it was believed that the bride's penetrating glance could make you remember the darn line.
Wilson's a loser.
I never liked the fence.
I mean, I think it was a shame to hide his face.
He had a very delicate philtrum.
And in the right light, it was very attractive.
EARL HINDMAN: Well, I like to think that Wilson was a faceless representation of pure intellect and raw reason.
Or maybe it was just a gimmick.
We're supposed to be in the yard, right? Right.
You can hear people.
I don't hear anything.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) What in the hell is that? What could it be? It sounds like a lot of people, too.
A lot of people, somewhere.
Now, there's a fence here.
And there's a little alley.
And it used to be very quiet little townhouses over there.
There's the park.
The McGerns are here.
There's crowds and crowds of people.
Now wait a minute.
(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Where do you suppose they are? I don't know.
WILSON: What I'd like to know is I wonder who they are.
Richard Karn, great guy.
Overcame all the odds.
Think of one other funny guy that became famous in plaid.
You know, after eight years, Tool Time was like a well-oiled machine.
Many different parts working together in harmony.
Well, that's our show for today.
Al, why don't you tell everybody about the good show coming up? (INDISTINCT CHATTER) That's all she wrote for today.
That's right.
Golly, Al, have you heard about Absolutely free.
Did you say free? Al, have you heard about Absolutely free.
(SPUTTERING) Did you say free? I said free! And that's not all.
If you Al, have you heard about It was a lot of fun.
We were a great team, like Starsky and Hutch.
Or Steve and Eydie, The Ghost and Mrs.
(STUTTERING) And the motorcycle guys, you know, with the tight pants and the tall boots.
Those guys.
You all know my assistant, Al.
(CLINKING) Al, it's a demonstration.
No one can start a fire with these.
Tim? Yes? You're on fire.
Oh, indeed I seem to be, Al.
But look there.
It seems to be out now.
We can continue the demonstration.
We're gonna shoot Al out of a giant glue gun.
I'm looking for a big, juicy porterhouse.
Good choice.
We can't let Heidi go when she's this (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) (CLANGING) My role as the Tool Time girl gave me a unique opportunity to stretch as an actress.
To take one line, seven little words, and to hone them, to make them my own.
Does everybody know what time it is? Does everybody know what time it is? Does You know, not many people get that opportunity.
I was very lucky.
Debbe? One word.
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING) Let's get ready to repair! Hey, sexy.
Great show! Thank you.
Wow! I wish Tim could hear you say that.
I don't think he needs to hear it.
Tim! You'd think with all the money you've pulled down, you could afford the rest of those pantaloonies.
You'd think with the money you pull down, you could afford the rest You know, you'd think with the money you make, you could afford the rest of those I had to say the word "culotte," just once.
NARRATOR: Coming up, the emotional final bows.
I couldn't imagine a better group of people.
NARRATOR: And the moment you've been waiting for.
Wilson's face revealed.
Don't go away.
We'll be right back.
Guys, guys, easy, easy, easy, easy.
Pretty soft hands for a grip.
(CAMERAS CLICKING) Well, working with Tim was like sitting at the kids' table at Thanksgiving, every day.
Well, I can do this 'cause it's the end of the show.
I am a thespian, trapped in a man's body.
I'm comfortable with that.
It has been everything.
Hysterical, fun, a little challenging.
It was fun and exhausting and inspiring.
I've spent more than half my life here, so it's gonna be definitely a change.
Well, it was a lot of fun, even though I can't remember one funny thing that happened.
But I'm gonna miss it.
ANNOUNCER: Debbe Dunning! DEBBE: What I'm gonna miss most about Home Improvement is the laughing.
The everyday guarantee of laughing.
ANNOUNCER: Richard Karn! RICHARD: The routine of it.
It's like all of a sudden you're out of school and it's fall, and, you know, "I should be doing something.
"What is it I'm supposed" Oh, yeah.
ANNOUNCER: Playing Wilson is Earl Hindman! EARL: The camaraderie, the relationship with me and Tim and the whole cast.
ANNOUNCER: Taran Smith! TARAN: It's like having this one huge family that you go and you see every day.
ANNOUNCER: Zachery Ty Bryan! ZACHERY: I'm gonna miss the cast, because we really do get along like a family.
ANNOUNCER: Jill is Patricia Richardson! PATRICIA: It was really fun.
I laughed all the time.
All right, baby.
ANNOUNCER: And playing Tim, Tim Allen! (AUDIENCE CHEERING) TIM: I'm gonna miss the family and crew here at Home Improvement.
Backstage with my best friends.
So who was this Donna? What was she like? Oh, my God, Donna.
(WHISTLING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! She was She was She couldn't hold a candle to Richard, I'll tell you that.
Who was Richard? Big guy I met.
He did horoscopes for Miles Davis.
What did he do for you? He had very soft hands.
You know what? No matter how hard you try to fight against it, you're always your mother's child.
Hey, I got a fun idea.
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Yeah, well, I'm my own wife, and I don't happen to think that When you fight, where do you go? Tim Taylor.
Can I get you anything? You got a cold beer? The cold ones are way in the back.
It'll take me a minute.
He's He's He's getting a beer? He's getting me a beer.
He just always takes a really long time to do this.
Here you go.
Thank you very much.
All right, and here's the pipe cleaners.
Yeah, okay.
How long has that Jell-O been in there? A long time.
I hope you had as much fun as I did.
And that's my final bow.
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