Home Movie: The Princess Bride (2020) s01e04 Episode Script
Chapter Four: Battle Of The Wits
1
[LAUGHING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[SWORDS CLACKING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, you're using
Bonetti's defense against me.
I thought it fitting,
considering the rocky terrain.
Oh, but you expect me
to use Capo Ferro, huh?
Naturally. I find Thibault
cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?
♪
That is true.
Unless your enemy has
studied their Agrippa.
Which I have.
♪
You're wonderful.
Thank you. I've
worked hard to become so.
I admit it. You're better than I am.
- Then why are you smiling?
- Because I know something you don't.
And what is that?
I'm not left-handed.
♪
- You are amazing.
- I ought to be after 20 years.
Then there's something
I ought to tell you.
Tell me.
I'm not left-handed either. [GRUNTS]
♪
[GRUNTING]
Who are you?
No one of consequence.
I gotta know.
Get used to disappointment.
Okay.
♪
[GROANS]
Just kill me quickly.
I would as soon destroy
a stained-glass window
as an artist like yourself.
However, since I can't have
you follow me around either
[GRUNTS]
Please understand I hold
you in the highest respect.
[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]
Inconceivable!
All right, give her to me.
Catch up with us quickly.
What do I do?
Y you finish him.
Finish him your way.
Oh, my way.
Which way is my way?
Pick up one of those rocks.
In a few minutes, the man in
black will come around the bend.
When you see his face, the
moment you see his face,
you smash it with the rock!
Get it together! Let's go.
My way is not very sportsmanlike.
♪
[CLATTERING]
Did that on purpose.
- I didn't have to miss.
- So what happens now?
We face each other, as God intended.
Sportsmanlike.
No tricks, no weapons.
Frankly, I think the odds are
slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Not my fault I'm the
biggest and the strongest.
What do I do?
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Look, are you just fiddling
around with me or what?
I want you to feel
as if you're doing well.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
- You're quick.
- It's a good thing, too.
Why do you wear a mask?
Oh no, I just think
they're terribly comfortable.
I think everyone will be
wearing them in the future.
[FEZZIK GROANS]
I just figured out why
you give me so much trouble.
- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS]
And why is that, do you think?
It's been so long since
I fought just one person.
I specialize in groups.
Battling gangs for local charities.
That type of thing.
Why should that make such a difference?
You use different moves when
you're fighting half a dozen people
than when you just
have to worry about one.
I don't envy the headache
you'll have when you awake.
In the meantime, rest well
and dream of large women.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
There was a mighty duel.
Two masters.
The battle raged all over.
Who won? How did it end?
The loser
went off alone.
The winner followed these
footsteps towards Guilder.
- Should we track them both?
- The loser is nothing.
Only the princess matters.
This is clearly all set up
by the warriors of Guilder.
We must be ready for
whatever lies ahead.
Could it be a trap?
I always think
everything could be a trap.
It's why I'm still alive.
[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
So, it is down to you
and it is down to me.
If you wish her dead, by all
means keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.
You're trying to kidnap
what I've rightfully stolen.
Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
There can be no arrangement
and you're killing her.
If there can be no arrangement,
then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so. I can't
compete with you physically
and you're no match for my brains.
You're that smart?
Have you heard of
Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Yes.
- Morons.
- Really?
In that case, I challenge
you to a battle of wits.
For the princess?
To the death?
I accept. [LAUGHS]
Then pour the wine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Inhale this, but do not touch.
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell
is called iocane powder.
It is odorless, tasteless,
dissolves completely in water,
and is one of the more
deadly poisons known to man.
Hmm.
♪
[CHUCKLES]
Now, where is the poison?
The battle of wits has begun.
It ends when you choose
and we both drink.
And we will find out who
is right and who is dead.
Well, it's all so simple.
All I need do is divine
from what I know of you.
Are you the sort of man that would
put the poison into his own goblet
or his enemy's?
Now, a clever man would put
the poison into his own goblet
knowing that only a great fool
would take what was given to him.
So I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But I'm not a great fool.
You would have counted on it
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
- You've made your decision then?
- Not remotely!
Because iocane comes from
Australia as everyone knows,
and Australia is entirely
peopled with criminals.
And criminals are used to
people not trusting them
as you are not trusted by me.
So I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going!
- Where was I?
- Australia.
Yes, Australia!
And you would have suspected
that I knew of the powder's origin
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
- You're just stalling now.
- You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?
You've beaten my giant,
which must mean that
you're exceptionally strong.
So you could put the
poison in your own goblet
counting on your strength to save you.
But you also bested my Spaniard
which means you must have studied,
and in studying, you
learned that man is mortal
so you would have put the poison as
far away from yourself as possible
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me
into giving something away.
- It won't work.
- It has worked!
You've given everything away.
I know where the poison is.
- Then make your choice.
- I will!
And I choose what in
the world can that be?
What? Where?
I don't see anything.
Oh, I I could have
sworn I saw something.
Oh, well, no matter.
[CHUCKLING]
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute
But first, let's drink.
You from your glass and me from mine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed
wrong. That's what's so funny!
I switched glasses when
your back was turned.
[LAUGHING] You fool!
You fell victim to one
of the classic blunders,
the most well-known is this:
never get involved
in a land war in Asia.
But only slightly less
well-known is this:
never go in against a Sicilian
when death is on the line!
[LAUGHING]
[COUGHING]
[GROANS]
And to think, all that time it
was your cup that was poisoned.
I poisoned both the glasses.
I spent the last few years developing
an immunity to iocane powder.
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK: She's
alive. Or she was an hour ago.
If she is otherwise when I find
her, I shall be very put out.
[IMITATING HORSE'S HOOVES CLOPPING]
- Bugle, cue the bugle.
- [BUGLE PLAYS FANFARE POORLY]
Try again.
[LAUGHING]
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[SWORDS CLACKING]
[GRUNTING]
Oh, you're using
Bonetti's defense against me.
I thought it fitting,
considering the rocky terrain.
Oh, but you expect me
to use Capo Ferro, huh?
Naturally. I find Thibault
cancels out Capo Ferro, don't you?
♪
That is true.
Unless your enemy has
studied their Agrippa.
Which I have.
♪
You're wonderful.
Thank you. I've
worked hard to become so.
I admit it. You're better than I am.
- Then why are you smiling?
- Because I know something you don't.
And what is that?
I'm not left-handed.
♪
- You are amazing.
- I ought to be after 20 years.
Then there's something
I ought to tell you.
Tell me.
I'm not left-handed either. [GRUNTS]
♪
[GRUNTING]
Who are you?
No one of consequence.
I gotta know.
Get used to disappointment.
Okay.
♪
[GROANS]
Just kill me quickly.
I would as soon destroy
a stained-glass window
as an artist like yourself.
However, since I can't have
you follow me around either
[GRUNTS]
Please understand I hold
you in the highest respect.
[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]
Inconceivable!
All right, give her to me.
Catch up with us quickly.
What do I do?
Y you finish him.
Finish him your way.
Oh, my way.
Which way is my way?
Pick up one of those rocks.
In a few minutes, the man in
black will come around the bend.
When you see his face, the
moment you see his face,
you smash it with the rock!
Get it together! Let's go.
My way is not very sportsmanlike.
♪
[CLATTERING]
Did that on purpose.
- I didn't have to miss.
- So what happens now?
We face each other, as God intended.
Sportsmanlike.
No tricks, no weapons.
Frankly, I think the odds are
slightly in your favor at hand fighting.
Not my fault I'm the
biggest and the strongest.
What do I do?
[GRUNTS, GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
[GROANING]
Look, are you just fiddling
around with me or what?
I want you to feel
as if you're doing well.
[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]
- You're quick.
- It's a good thing, too.
Why do you wear a mask?
Oh no, I just think
they're terribly comfortable.
I think everyone will be
wearing them in the future.
[FEZZIK GROANS]
I just figured out why
you give me so much trouble.
- [GROANS]
- [GRUNTS]
And why is that, do you think?
It's been so long since
I fought just one person.
I specialize in groups.
Battling gangs for local charities.
That type of thing.
Why should that make such a difference?
You use different moves when
you're fighting half a dozen people
than when you just
have to worry about one.
I don't envy the headache
you'll have when you awake.
In the meantime, rest well
and dream of large women.
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
There was a mighty duel.
Two masters.
The battle raged all over.
Who won? How did it end?
The loser
went off alone.
The winner followed these
footsteps towards Guilder.
- Should we track them both?
- The loser is nothing.
Only the princess matters.
This is clearly all set up
by the warriors of Guilder.
We must be ready for
whatever lies ahead.
Could it be a trap?
I always think
everything could be a trap.
It's why I'm still alive.
[STIRRING MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
So, it is down to you
and it is down to me.
If you wish her dead, by all
means keep moving forward.
Let me explain.
There's nothing to explain.
You're trying to kidnap
what I've rightfully stolen.
Perhaps an arrangement can be reached.
There can be no arrangement
and you're killing her.
If there can be no arrangement,
then we are at an impasse.
I'm afraid so. I can't
compete with you physically
and you're no match for my brains.
You're that smart?
Have you heard of
Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
Yes.
- Morons.
- Really?
In that case, I challenge
you to a battle of wits.
For the princess?
To the death?
I accept. [LAUGHS]
Then pour the wine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
♪
Inhale this, but do not touch.
I smell nothing.
What you do not smell
is called iocane powder.
It is odorless, tasteless,
dissolves completely in water,
and is one of the more
deadly poisons known to man.
Hmm.
♪
[CHUCKLES]
Now, where is the poison?
The battle of wits has begun.
It ends when you choose
and we both drink.
And we will find out who
is right and who is dead.
Well, it's all so simple.
All I need do is divine
from what I know of you.
Are you the sort of man that would
put the poison into his own goblet
or his enemy's?
Now, a clever man would put
the poison into his own goblet
knowing that only a great fool
would take what was given to him.
So I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
But I'm not a great fool.
You would have counted on it
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
- You've made your decision then?
- Not remotely!
Because iocane comes from
Australia as everyone knows,
and Australia is entirely
peopled with criminals.
And criminals are used to
people not trusting them
as you are not trusted by me.
So I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of you.
Truly you have a dizzying intellect.
Wait till I get going!
- Where was I?
- Australia.
Yes, Australia!
And you would have suspected
that I knew of the powder's origin
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me.
- You're just stalling now.
- You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?
You've beaten my giant,
which must mean that
you're exceptionally strong.
So you could put the
poison in your own goblet
counting on your strength to save you.
But you also bested my Spaniard
which means you must have studied,
and in studying, you
learned that man is mortal
so you would have put the poison as
far away from yourself as possible
so I can clearly not choose
the wine in front of me!
You're trying to trick me
into giving something away.
- It won't work.
- It has worked!
You've given everything away.
I know where the poison is.
- Then make your choice.
- I will!
And I choose what in
the world can that be?
What? Where?
I don't see anything.
Oh, I I could have
sworn I saw something.
Oh, well, no matter.
[CHUCKLING]
What's so funny?
I'll tell you in a minute
But first, let's drink.
You from your glass and me from mine.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
You guessed wrong.
You only think I guessed
wrong. That's what's so funny!
I switched glasses when
your back was turned.
[LAUGHING] You fool!
You fell victim to one
of the classic blunders,
the most well-known is this:
never get involved
in a land war in Asia.
But only slightly less
well-known is this:
never go in against a Sicilian
when death is on the line!
[LAUGHING]
[COUGHING]
[GROANS]
And to think, all that time it
was your cup that was poisoned.
I poisoned both the glasses.
I spent the last few years developing
an immunity to iocane powder.
PRINCE HUMPERDINCK: She's
alive. Or she was an hour ago.
If she is otherwise when I find
her, I shall be very put out.
[IMITATING HORSE'S HOOVES CLOPPING]
- Bugle, cue the bugle.
- [BUGLE PLAYS FANFARE POORLY]
Try again.