Hoops (2020) s01e03 Episode Script


[Shannon] Zipper was more than a horse.
He was my best friend.
I could tell him things
I couldn't tell anyone else,
and unlike most of my friends,
Zipper could actually keep a secret.
Trust me, if Zipper knew
you were in a threesome in college,
the whole fucking barn would know.
Ben, shut up!
The good news is
I know he's in a better place right now.
[men grunting]
[sighs] His leg broke off!
Oh, no! That's my beloved Zipper.
Be careful!
I think my best memory of Zipper
was 2018, when--
-[man 1] Fuck! I dropped him on his teeth.
[man 2] Well, just pick 'em up
and put 'em back in his mouth.
What are you? A fucking idiot?
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Could you please treat Zipper
with more respect?
Ma'am, it's not like Zipper's
having an open casket.
Who gives a shit?
I give a shit!
I give many shits!
So today, we honor the life
of the one and only Zipper.
There will never
[men grunting]
Goddamn it!
I want you two idiots to go away
and leave Zipper with me.
I'm gonna bury him here on the farm.
Anyway, I miss you, Zipper.
I love you.
Thank you all for coming.
[all gasp]
Same exact thing happened
at my grandma's funeral.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
Hey, yeah ♪
'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
-Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
Hoops! ♪
OK, it's that time of year again
where Principal Lowry sits there
and stares at me
with those weird squirrel eyes of hers.
Just get going, Ben.
And makes me read
the Lenwood Athletics Code of Conduct.
OK, here we go.
"Rule number one:
no alcohol use."
I mean, sure, having a couple of beers
to take the edge off never killed anyone.
Well, except for my Uncle Eddie
and a few close friends.
"Rule number two:
no recreational drug use of any sort."
Unless no one's looking
and you wanna try some.
But no hard stuff.
And stay away from crack cocaine.
Trust me, I've done it thrice.
Very scary drug.
Don't get me wrong,
first two times doing crack,
absolutely sensational drug.
Third time,
just as sensational, if not more.
OK. "Rule number three:
players must maintain a GPA
of at least 2.0."
Now, that should be easy
'cause you guys are nerds.
We're not nerds.
Oh, really? Has anyone here
driven a motorcycle or gotten laid?
Or seen a vagina besides your mom's?
Exactly. You guys are nerds.
It's not bad. You're just nerds.
Last but not least, the final rule:
absolutely, under no circumstances,
and I don't care
how good-looking the fucking thing is,
no sex with animals.
Ben! That's not in there.
There's nothing about animals
in that damn book.
Fine! If Opal says fuck animals,
knock yourselves out.
-Just know that I think it's disgusting.
You should not fuck an animal.
It doesn't have a choice.
[man] Listen, Luigi.
I'll take care of him.
That's why they call me "The Godfather."
Paisan, you wanna go get a calzone?
Man, what a classic.
I mean, it's no Little Man Tate,
but what is?
So what can I do for you, you big giraffe?
[sighs] I got a little situation
with one of those rules.
Don't worry, Matty. I get it.
You smoked crack.
Pretty sensational drug, huh?
If I'm honest,
I did it way more than three times.
And I did what I had to do to get it.
Coach, I'm not talking about drugs, OK?
I've never smoked crack cocaine.
I'm talking about the GPA rule.
Look, I got a midterm on Friday,
and if I don't pass,
I'm not gonna be able to play.
GPA? No problem. What's the class?
-Oh, perfect!
Ethics is easy. Let me show you, Matty.
Say you're walking down the street, OK,
and you see a big bag of cash.
Fuck, yeah. Is it on fire?
Is what on fire?
Why would it be on fire?
No, Matty, you're missing the point.
It's just a bag of cash.
Well, if it's not on fire,
what's the catch?
Drop the fire stuff!
Matty, you see a bag of cash,
and then let's say
you see a big sign that says,
"I'm an old lady. I got nothing.
I lost a bag of cash.
I'm a real sad sack."
Bag of cash. Old lady. Sack of shit.
No one's watching.
What do you do?
I'd take the money, and
And what?
Oh, shit. Did I say "and"? My bad.
So you're gonna take the old lady's money?
It's not like she's a real person, Coach.
She's just a stupid old lady
you created to prove a point.
-I can take her money.
-Fuck me. Jesus Christ. We can fix this.
There's only one teacher at this school
who won't pass a basketball player.
Please, whatever you do,
don't tell me you have Lonnie Seymour.
Fucking Lonnie. Fucking asshole prick.
[Ben] Oh, look who it is. Lonnie, my man.
Fancy meetin' you here.
In my classroom?
[laughs] That's classic Lonnie.
I miss this.
Why don't we hang out more?
Oh, well, I don't know,
because you're a selfish person,
and I don't like you?
Look, I know why you're here,
and I'm not passing Matty.
He needs to prove
that he understands ethics, OK?
Look, Lonnie,
Matty's the most ethical kid I know.
The other day
we were walking down the street,
and he found a bag full of money,
not on fire,
and this kid looks at me and says,
"Coach, let's return it to the old lady."
I feel like this didn't happen.
Goddamn it, Lonnie. Just pass him!
Matty needs to earn his grade
or prove to me
that he has a basic understanding
of ethics, or he fails my class.
-End of discussion, OK?
-[door slams]
[Ben] Oh, you're a real righteous
piece of shit, Lonnie.
And the next thing you know,
Ben's trying to make me seem
like the principal that loves bestiality.
All right, ladies. I'm out of here.
It's 7:30.
Stay and drink with us.
[sighs] I think I'm gonna head over
to Billy's Saloon
and get a few cocktails there.
Barry, that don't make no sense.
Why would you go to another bar
when you can drink here for free?
Honestly, this joint just isn't as fun
as it used to be.
Maybe you just need
to liven up the vibe in here a lil'.
Get some entertainment.
Like long-form improv?
I can get my old team together,
Cookies n' Cream.
-[Barry] Pass, pass! Please, no.
-Oh, no.
Look, it would be great
to fire up the old stage again, I guess.
Opal also used to sing,
and that she's actually good at.
Music's not a bad idea.
Opal, would you sing here for 30 bucks
and ten percent off soft drinks?
Fifteen percent, and we got a deal ♪
Damn! But ten percent.
Fine, but free refills ♪
Uh, no.
I overreached by quite a bit ♪
And now I have to settle ♪
With the offer
That was originally presented ♪
[whistle blows]
All right. Bring it in. Bring it in.
We got a lot to cover.
I'm not gonna lie.
There might be times you wanna quit,
but are you quitters?
[all] No!
Are you lazy?
[all] No!
Are you gonna give your all
to help Matty pass his ethics midterm
because he's failing?
-[all] Wait a second.
-That's an awkward transition.
Listen, Matty came to me to fix a problem.
Let that be a lesson to you all.
Any problem you have, come to Coach.
My pediatrician says
I need to go on a diet
because I have the risk factors
for diabetes.
First of all,
you shouldn't see a pediatrician anymore.
You should see a real doctor.
You got pubes and titties.
Second of all, you're a fat fuck.
Eat less sugar.
Thank you, sir.
I get pretty bad anxiety, Coach.
Sometimes I feel like people hate me.
That's not anxiety. People do hate you.
And I get it. You're hateable, Isaac.
Next question.
None of the guys at this school
are looking for a relationship.
They're fucking idiots.
Well, that's a good thing.
You're in high school, Scott.
There should be a line of boys
waiting to eat your ass.
Look at me, solving problems
like I'm fucking Oprah,
eatin' cauliflower pizza.
Now onto the only problem
I actually care about: Matty's problem.
How do we get him to pass?
Maybe Matty could just study.
No way. This kid has no chance
of passing the exam.
He's truthfully one of the dumbest people
I've ever met.
Coach, you know I'm here, right?
Of course I do!
That's why I was telling you
the story of my friend
Natty the dumbass
who is a kid.
[laughing] Oh, man!
I would hate to be
that Natty motherfucker.
He sounds so stupid!
[laughs] He really is.
Good thing your name
is completely different.
Oh, Benjamin.
What an unpleasant non-surprise.
All right. Let's cut the shit.
How much is it gonna take
to bribe an ethics teacher?
There's no amount of money.
There's gotta be a number.
There always is.
-All right, fine. Five billion dollars.
-I knew there was a number.
There you go.
Connie, get in here, and give this man
a five-billion-dollar blow job.
Wow, it's crazy being back here.
I haven't been back here
since I was valedictorian.
That took a killer blow job too.
Connie, focus.
This blow job is for all the marbles.
It's like the Super Bowl for hookers.
Actually, the Super Bowl is
the Super Bowl for hookers.
Out! Get out, OK?
Oh, my God! What would dear Opal say
if she saw this is in my classroom?
"Dear Opal"?
Benjamin, you are bribing me
with oral pleasure,
and that is not gonna work!
"Oral pleasure"?
Who calls it "oral pleasure"?
I did not give "oral pleasure" for crack.
Matty's taking that test, OK?
I think that went well.
Ben, what is she doin' here?
-This is a school.
-It's not what it looks like.
She's a hooker.
No offense, Connie.
None taken, Opal.
Hey, I have a hunch
that Lonnie has a thing for you.
So maybe you do me a favor,
go out with him.
Tell him to pass a certain seven-footer
on a certain team.
What? No way, Ben!
I'm not gonna let you just pimp me out.
You get used to it.
I'm performing at Barry's tonight.
I'd be there, but the circus is in town,
and those acrobats love doing crazy shit.
OK, bye for now.
You're performing at my dad's restaurant?
It'd be nice if you could try
and make it out and support me.
I'd love to, Opal, but I don't want to.
Also, if you're not gonna
give it up to Lonnie,
then I gotta find another way
to help Matty pass.
Well, Ben, you weren't the best student.
You got through high school.
How'd you do it?
[mysterious music plays]
We gotta cheat. It's the only way.
So how are the kids cheating these days?
Lasers? Robots? Voodoo?
Coach, cheating is unethical.
Sounds like someone wants to take a lap.
[Marcus] Yay! Cardio!
So how the fuck do you guys cheat?
Usually, we just look over the shoulder
of the smartest kid in class.
OK, that's easy.
Matty, who's the smartest kid
in your class?
[under breath] Daba, daba, daba
Andrew Phillips.
OK, so if this Andrew kid
is as smart as you say,
he's probably a nerd
and won't let you cheat over his shoulder.
So we're gonna have to beat it out of him.
And this might get a little ugly,
but we have to do it.
Oh, that'll be real easy, Coach.
He has advanced Hodgkin's.
Advanced Hodgkin's?
-[tires screech]
-You guys are sick.
Regular Hodgkin's,
I can kick his ass, sure.
But advanced? No fucking way!
I'm not a monster.
I'm starting to get worried, Kirk.
These songs are raw.
They're from the heart.
What if people don't like it?
If they're from the heart,
then people will like it.
You're right.
This is how I feel,
and I have to let it out.
Yeah! All right. Let's get out
of this kitchen-slash-dressing room
-and go make some magic.
Thanks, Kirk. You're always there for me.
I mean, just this one time,
but it was nice.
Let's hang out more.
I would love that.
OK. Also, just a heads-up.
When you're singing, I'm gonna be doing
bits of improv and fill-ins and--
No, no, no!
Don't do no improv now.
But I like to keep it fresh
and improvisational--
No, don't! I don't wanna hear this!
This is just from the heart.
Don't be messing with my shit.
This ain't Cookies n' Cream, motherfucker.
Sorry, Opal.
[rock music playing]
Ooh, definitely a cooler vibe in here.
Shannon, hearing some great music
will get your mind off Zipper.
I mean, it must be tough
to have your horse get run over and die.
Uh, I mean die and get run over.
Oh, sorry. I'm beatin' a dead horse.
Oh, no, I didn't!
Welcome to the return
of "Barry's After Dark."
It's like Barry's during the day,
but it's at night,
and the drinks are twice as much.
And now I'd like to welcome to the stage
Opal and the Night Owl.
-[drum kicks in]
-Sing your truth, girl.
I need a man ♪
Who knows how to knit ♪
Who gets on his knees ♪
Fulfills my needs ♪
And licks on my clit ♪
[all gasp]
Oh, shit.
She's singing from the heart.
I thought I told her not to do that.
Guys, you look up to me
and rely on me to come up with solutions.
But I gotta be honest,
I'm all out of ideas.
Fucking Lonnie!
[boy] The problem is
he doesn't respect you.
Yeah, you're right, horse.
He doesn't respect me.
[boy] Actually, I said it.
I'm the guy in the back.
Oh, I see. The ass is talking.
Is this you?
Do you face the back?
[boy] No, I'm in the back,
but I face forward.
[chuckles] So you're basically just
eating farts all day.
[boy] Yeah, it's not a great job.
[boy 2] It's a great job for me.
But also, I agree with him
about the respect thing.
Guys, I'm getting all turned around here.
Who said that?
The guy farting
or the guy eatin' the farts?
I'm saying you got to intimidate him.
[classic Italian Mafia music plays]
[man screaming on TV]
You see, guys? That's how you do it.
The Godfather made him an offer
that he couldn't refuse.
He put a fucking horse's head in his bed.
So what's your plan?
You're gonna do the same thing to Lonnie?
I mean, how many spare horse's heads
you got laying around?
Matty, you're the strongest kid we've got.
Saw his fucking head off.
I don't know, Coach.
It's kind of freaking me out.
What are you gonna do? Kill him again?
Yeah, he is, man. Horses have nine lives.
-No, that's cats.
-No, man.
I watch the Garfield the Horse cartoon
all the time, motherfucker.
They don't show this part
in The Godfather,
and it's still three fucking hours long.
Ugh! It's hard to cut.
Oh, you wuss. Give me that thing!
A lot of life lessons
baked into this shit right here.
Fuck! Everybody always talks about
how big horses' cocks are,
but they never talk about the spine.
The spine's the impressive part.
Fuck it! We're going to the hardware
store, and we're getting a chainsaw.
[Ben] For the fiftieth time,
I said it might
get some horse blood on it.
Maybe some hair, maybe some bone.
But I can't see into the fucking future,
and I ain't payin' 300 fucking dollars
for a chainsaw
that I'm only gonna use once.
That's a rip-off!
And I said to you, sir,
"It's against the law to accept
a returned chainsaw with blood on it!"
[spits] Then fuck you up your fucking ass.
I'm outta here!
And you know what?
We'll figure out how to get
this fucking horse's head off ourselves.
You lost my business for life,
I'm never spending a penny in here again.
Oh, gumball.
Let me see what I got here.
Oh, fuck! Green.
Fucking green! What luck.
[groans] Three greens!
There's another fucking green,
I'm gonna lose it.
In a funny way.
Four greens!
I don't want green though.
Ah, blue.
You got change for a dollar?
Ah, fuck it. I'm overthinking this.
We needed a horse's head.
Well, we got a horse's head.
[flies buzzing]
Coach, do you think the full horse
will have the same effect
as just the head?
Yes, of course.
Look at this fucking thing!
Lonnie's gonna flip the fuck out,
and he's gonna pass Matty.
[as Marlon Brando]
It's an offer he can't refuse.
Look at me! I'm fucking Marlon Brando now.
I don't know how you got him
to refund the chainsaw,
but well played, you fucking geek.
Listen, I told you
that you cannot outsmart me.
I'm not caving.
If that kid cannot present
an understanding of ethics, he will fail.
One thing you gotta learn about me
is that I never quit
when it comes to my kids.
I'll find something on you.
I'm bulletproof, Ben.
There's nothing you can bribe me with.
I'm not married, and I have no kids.
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you.
The offer that he couldn't refuse
was refused.
But I promised we'd get respect,
and Matty is playing on Saturday.
You have my word on that.
We just have to up the stakes.
So I'm thinking we move from The Godfather
to another classic film
called Leaving Neverland.
What are you talking about, Coach?
We need to make it look like
Lonnie's a bigger creep
than Michael Jackson,
so we'll frame him for child stuff.
It's brilliant.
I call it "Operation: Beat It."
-Uh, I don't know, man.
-I don't know.
Now, are you sure we wanna break into
a teacher's apartment,
or should we tell Coach to F off?
[sighs] I don't know,
but maybe we shouldn't break in,
but we are here, and kicking a door in
has always been on my bucket list.
What else is on your bucket list?
Kicking a tree.
Kicking a wall. Kicking a boat.
[glass smashes]
Coach, we're in.
And we don't need Operation: Beat It.
We've got something bigger.
An ethics teacher who doesn't recycle?
Come on, Scott.
Who gives a shit about recycling?
I don't recycle.
[all gasp]
-You don't recycle?
Can we focus?
Look, I know this planet seems important,
but without solving this,
there's no reason to live.
So I say we focus on this. This problem.
Then if we have time after,
we do the Earth thing. Deal?
How do we know Lonnie isn't gonna
walk in the door any second?
Well, I took care of it.
-[cell phone ringing]
-You've got Lonnie.
[woman] Hey, Mr. Seymour.
[as Opal] Sorry, I mean Lonnie.
That's right. It's Opal, you hunk,
from the Lenwood School you teach at.
I want you to see me perform tonight.
Just make sure you stay
until the very last song
because I'm singing it for you.
-How was that?
-That was unbelievable, DJ.
Do you do others?
I can do your dad. [clears throat]
Son, sit down. There's something
I've always wanted to tell you.
-I love you.
-Ah, you lost it.
He would never say anything like that.
[beat kicks in]
I need a man ♪
To make me feel pretty ♪
To lick on my puss ♪
Grab both his nuts ♪
And suck on my titties ♪
Please stay! Please.
She only sings about her clit
two more times.
In a small town in Kentucky ♪
All I seem to meet ♪
Is a bunch of shrimp-dicked honkeys ♪
I don't know, Kirk.
That was from the heart,
and people didn't love it.
Oh, don't let it get you down.
It wasn't you.
My bass tones were all off.
You're probably right.
You sounded like shit.
Thank you, Opal. I did sound like shit.
Oh, hey. [chuckles]
That was amazing.
And thanks for singing
that last song for me.
That song wasn't for you.
What? Well, then
Why'd you say that when you called?
I didn't call you.
So you don't want me to eat your buttocks
like a hound dog
that just found gravy in the garbage?
Those are just lyrics, honey.
Separate the artist from the art.
All right, buddy.
I think you overstayed your welcome.
I've got bad news ♪
The Barry's After Dark reboot is over.
I like my regulars,
and my regulars don't like this.
Wanna know what's more fun
than trying to relive your past?
Bein' happy with who you are?
No, not at all.
Being idolized.
My regulars love me
because they think I'm better than them,
and that's the most important thing
being better than people.
I guess maybe it's for the best.
I just had my ethics teacher tell me
that he wanted to put his tongue
in my no-no spot.
By the way,
my no-no spot is in my butthole.
[Ben] OK, over here.
Good. Just like that.
Look, I didn't wanna do this,
but Lonnie left me no choice.
Uh, not to be that guy,
but tying up kids and framing a teacher
for child abduction seems insane.
[Ben] I'll tell you what's insane
is how airtight this plan is.
You see,
Matty won't have to take the midterm.
Because there's no teacher to give it.
'Cause Lonnie's in jail
for child abduction.
It's a win-win.
Seems like a win-lose really badly
for Lonnie.
OK, look. No one is happy about this.
Then why are you smiling?
'Cause I smile when I'm conflicted.
I don't know, Coach. I mean,
I don't know if we should be doing this.
It's just gotten too fucked up.
Maybe I'll just take the test
and see what happens.
Matty, you'll never pass.
You got dog brains.
You're lovable and loyal,
but you're this close
to chasing cars all day.
Coach, I think you're getting me mixed up
with Natty again.
Matty, you're saying no to Coach's plan?
Yeah. I'm out.
It's not right to ruin this guy's life
for my own benefit.
This is wrong.
[slow clap]
Looks like someone
just passed his ethics midterm.
[slow clap continues]
Oh, I get it.
Wait. What's happening?
This was your midterm.
All you had to do was prove that you
were ethical by saying no to Coach.
So this whole time,
you and Lonnie were just testing me?
Yup, totally.
I, for sure,
100 percent knew what was happening.
No, no. Ignore your coach's clapping.
He didn't know a thing. He's a moron.
It was the perfect setup.
If you put a stop
to any of his unethical plans, you'd pass.
Wow! [chuckles]
Hot damn, I can't believe I got an "A."
What? Oh, no, no.
At most, a "D."
You did many unethical things
before you drew the line.
The only thing I can't figure out
is how you tricked me into making a fool
of myself in front of Principal Lowry.
Don't be so hard on yourself,
you ethical stud.
Well, DJ just failed his ethics midterm.
[sighs] Coach, now I can't play.
That'll help us.
Do we still have time
to do the Earth thing?
Huh? Ah, the Earth will be fine.
Scott, fuck off.
My home is in Kentucky ♪
And that is where I'll die ♪
I hope it's soon ♪
'Cause I presume ♪
It's all a waste of time ♪
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