Hot In Cleveland s03e08 Episode Script

God and Football

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Hi! Melanie Moretti, columnist for woman's day.
Good game, everybody.
Good game? They lost by 20 points.
Yes, but they were very good about sharing the ball with the other team.
Those are fumbles.
- Oh, wow.
- Who's that? Jimmy Armstrong.
He doesn't have much upstairs, but he's got plenty down below.
He's Cleveland's kicker.
What did you think I meant? Yo, Jimmy.
She wants to interview you.
Oh, hey.
Sure thing.
Hi, Melanie Moretti.
Woman's day.
I'm writing an article about doing things outside your comfort zone.
And I'm Uncomfortable in a football locker room with a lot of naked men.
I'm comfortable with it.
Are you a writer too? No, no, next week is her birthday, and this is my gift to her.
Oh, happy birthday, ma'am.
Oh, thank you.
I'm gonna be 90.
Can ISqueeze your chest? Okay, yeah.
So you're Cleveland's kicker.
Yeah, which is funny because my name is Jimmy Armstrong.
Being the kicker, you think it would be Legstrong.
- I was gonna say kickguy.
- Yours works too.
I'm gonna go browsing.
that you just broke the team record for points scored.
Yeah, would you like to see the ball that I kicked to break the record? Sure, love to.
Rusty, throw me that ball.
Whoa, duck! Whoa! Ahh! Your name is Melanie.
The year is 2011.
- 2012.
- 2012.
Why are you talking to me like that? She thinks the blow to your head has given you amnesia.
Despite everything I've said to the contrary.
Well, it happened to me three times on edge of tomorrow.
So I think I know what I'm talking about.
I went to Harvard medical school.
I won a daytime Emmy.
Well, since she's already here, isn't there something else that she can have done that's covered by insurance? Maybe some botox or I don't know, a chemical peel? Hey, maybe chemical peels all around.
Well, we did just get a new CT medical scanner.
It gives a complete physical in just five minutes.
I've been dying to give that baby a spin.
Not me.
I've never had a physical.
Never had a physical? That's crazy.
You might have something wrong they can give you pills for that I can sneak into your bathroom and steal.
I'm afraid of what they might find.
And unlike you, I don't like being poked and prodded by strangers.
- Don't be a 90-year-old baby.
I'll do it with you.
Knock, knock! I know I knocked outside, but I like saying "knock, knock" in case some of you didn't hear me.
It's kind of my thing.
Oh, my God.
Jimmy Armstrong? What are you doing here? This woman is a friend of mine.
I wanna make sure she's getting the best medical care possible.
She will be now.
Well, Jimmy, you know Elka, and these are my roommates joy and Victoria.
SoYou okay? Yeah, but why did you tell me to duck if the ball was coming at me low? Oh, because when a duck is in danger, it flies up and away.
I was kinda hoping you'd do that.
SoDuck means jump up? Or fly, yeah.
Hey, so you wanna go grab some dinner tonight? - Me? - Yeah.
- I'd love to.
- Awesome.
All right, hey.
Can somebody call the valet, have them bring my Porsche around? Uh, this hospital doesn't have a valet.
Oh, no.
That poor guy thinks he's a valet.
Oh, my God.
A professional football player just asked me out at my age.
It's the magic of Cleveland, ladies.
In L.
, the cut-off age for dating a professional athlete is 25.
Well, 29 if you're willing to date a bowler.
- Was that Jimmy Armstrong? - Yes.
And I'm going on a date with him.
Oh, my God! You are gonna be the envy of every woman in Cleveland.
You're lucky you're not on life support.
I'd kick that plug right out.
Oh, I came in here for a reason.
Oh, there's been a terrible accident.
A carny had too much to drink at the circus and fired the human cannonball right into a car full of clowns.
There've been many serious injuries and we're looking for type AB negative blood.
Oh, Victoria, you have AB negative blood.
No, I don't believe I do anymore.
Oh, do something selfless for once.
I don't like the word selfless.
It implies that afterwards, there will be less self.
But it feels good to do something nice without thinking of any Kudos.
Kudos, you say.
This room for hero blood donors, is it big enough for a camera crew? Ladies, I have your CT scan results.
You could use a little more calcium, but for a woman your age, you're in fine shape.
What about me? You? You're the healthiest person I've ever seen.
Whatever you're doing, you keep doing it, Elka.
What? No, no, wait! No, I'm not Elka.
I'm joy.
Oh, I must've mixed things up.
- You're Elka? - Yes.
You're a medical miracle.
You could live forever.
Forever? That's fantastic.
What a wonderful 90th birthday present.
Hey, what about me? Well, I looked a chart and thought you were 90.
Do I need to spell it out? So what should I do? Go red for women.
It's from the American Heart Association.
Just a few small changes could make a big difference.
Quit smoking, limit fatty foods, salt, and alcohol.
Well, at least I can still have sex.
Well, with your brittle bones, I'd be careful.
The average Cleveland man could snap you like a twig.
They're ready for you in the O.
Oh, good.
Send in the clowns.
Don't bother.
They're here.
Okay, you might still be a little woozy, so try not to get up too quickly.
What? You're done? But the news crew isn't here yet.
Do it again.
No, you need to get your blood sugar back up.
Have a cookie.
- Is it fat free? - No.
No, thank you.
- Glass of orange juice? - Is it vodka free? - Yes.
- No, thank you.
What is that? It's a television crew.
I'm in here! Where am I? Did I die? What is is this heaven? A spotlight.
All on me.
Oh, this is heaven.
But if I'm in heaven then Where is God? Welcome, my child.
- Elka, you're God? - Yes.
That's not the nose I gave you.
The nose you gave me would only have let me play character parts.
I can't believe that I got into heaven.
I've broken, like, a million commandments.
Coveted everything.
I have pledged thousands to PBS and never paid.
I just wanted to hear them say my name on TV.
Quiet, there's been a mistake.
I meant to summon Victoria principal Not Victoria chase.
Oh, stupid auto correct.
So I'm not supposed to be in heaven? No.
Walk away from the light.
Well, am I ever supposed to be in heaven? Walk away from the light.
Can I just ask you one thing? Who do I have to sleep with to win an Oscar? It certainly wasn't Quentin Tarantino.
I wish I could take that back.
Cut the light.
Wrong Victoria.
Quentin Tarantino.
Original nose.
Mel? Joy? I'm not dead? No, darling, you just had a bad fall.
The only one dying around here is me.
And in more good news I'm immortal.
You are? But where is your cloud and your heavenly iPad? Oh, you know what? The doctor said you might be disoriented.
So I'm gonna go tell him you're awake, okay? And I'm gonna smoke my last cigarette.
Hey, you told us you quit years ago.
I tell you a lot of things.
Why are you staring at me? I just had the craziest dream.
I mean, I must've just knocked myself silly because I dreamt that you were God.
I am God.
Oh, cut it out.
Come on.
If you're God, then what am I think right now? You're wishing you were more famous.
Anybody could've guess that.
Could anybody have known about your original nose? You mean the chase family beak? That is my deepest, darkest secret.
Really? Not sleeping with Quentin Tarantino? You know that too? You couldn't know that unless you were All right, does anyone else know that you're God? Only you.
And you can't tell anybody orLo, your thighs will grow immense.
And your Emmy will turn to dust.
But why are you revealing yourself to me now? Because you're so brilliant and talented.
That makes sense.
And because I want you to change your ways.
You need to be kind and generous.
And do charitable works.
That's not so bad.
Without alerting the media.
You're a vengeful God.
Joy! I'm so proud of you.
Look at that heart-healthy meal.
Heart disease is the number one killer of women.
Heart disease is the number one killer of me.
Many women don't personalize the risk.
Look at you with new fun things to say.
Don't patronize me! I'm in a hideous mood.
This morning, I drank tea made from a nicotine patch.
Where's Victoria? She said she and Elka were going to a soup kitchen.
What? That doesn't make sense.
Stop yelling at me! I'm doing the best I can! All right, all right.
They're at a soup kitchen.
Boy, Victoria must've hit her head a lot harder than we thought, huh? Ooh! Google alert.
Oh, wait till you see this.
Please let it be a study that says alcohol and tobacco are the new broccoli.
No, it's a picture of me and Jimmy on Cleveland.
"Jimmy Armstrong in the VIP section of the velvet tango room with unidentified brunette arm candy.
" I've never been called arm candy! In L.
, at best, I was a sensible arm snack.
And it really doesn't bother you that he's not that bright.
Bup, bup, bup.
He's very interesting.
He's not interesting.
He's famous.
You're looking at him through fame goggles, when in reality, he is about as dumb and stupid as this milk.
Oh, why can't 2% be the alcohol content? Knock, knock! It's his thing.
Hey, why didn't you come out? I yelled "honk, honk" from the car.
Wow, that was so much fun.
I mean, people just go crazy around you.
When was the last time you paid for a meal? When was the last time you paid for anything? Well, I haven't carried a wallet since '98.
Oh, is that the year you got drafted? No, it's the year I lost my wallet.
You know what? Uh, Melanie, I been thinking.
- Really? - Yeah.
To make the playoffs this year, we have to win our final four games.
Problem is we only have one game left to play.
Yes, I can see how that would be a problem.
But um, there's always next year.
Actually, I don't even wanna play the next game.
This is it for me.
I'm done.
round number.
No, no.
No, no, no.
No, you have to at least finish out the season.
You know what? You're right.
I could at least finish out the last game.
What's the worst thing that could happen? Jimmy, I feel awful for talking you into playing.
The good news is now we get to spend more time together as regular people.
Oh, yeah, that is good news.
What are you doing here, Victoria? Oh, you know, God's work.
So you wanna go back to the SpongeBob marathon? Sure! Why not? Ooh, or we could talk about, after we die, whether we'd rather come back as a shrimp or a clam.
I think my answer may surprise you.
How come nobody told me Jimmy is dumb? And the fame goggles are off.
Fame is a false idol.
What is going on here? You're volunteering.
- You're helping the needy.
- And.
Is that your natural hair color? It's the color God gave me.
Oh, you've gotta be kidding me.
In your living will, it says "do not resuscitate" if your roots start to show.
So she really is dowdy? I just thought ever since I stopped drinking, everyone looks terrible.
- I don't look bad.
- O-kay.
Okay, what am I gonna do about Jimmy? I have to break up with him but it's my fault he got hurt.
What you need is some little tramp to seduce him so you can dump him guilt free.
Joy, that's a great idea.
I can walk in, catch you in bed with him, break up, and everybody's hands are clean.
Did you just call me a tramp? No, I think you said it.
Please? Oh, fine.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, no, no, no.
Mel, isn't what you're asking joy to do a sin? Well, isn't it? I don't think so.
Well, then neither do I.
Hello, Jimmy.
You're look very - Are you okay? - Yeah.
I just gave up smoking, and I'm still bringing up a lot of phlegm.
I mean I want to get to know you better, Jimmy.
Oh, okay, that sounds good.
Uh, why don't you come over here, help me find what's out of place in this picture? I've already found one.
I mean, what is a snowman doing in a pumpkin patch? Oh, Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy.
The only thing wrong with this picture is that I'm not with you.
Well, why would we be in a pumpkin patch? I'm talking about the bigger picture.
All I see is you and me and a bed.
And there's some medical equipment.
And a TV.
I'm not listing things in the room, you idiot! I'm trying to seduce you! Joy, what are you doing in bed with my boyfriend? Joy, why aren't you in bed with my boyfriend? And I I just don't think it's gonna work out with us.
But I should've just told you that instead of doing that silly stunt with joy.
Melanie, I just want you to be happy.
And if that means we should break up, then so be it.
Aw, don't look so sad.
You'll find somebody new.
Once you get out of this hospital and your leg gets rehabilitated Oh, hey, you wanna be my new girlfriend? Of course! Who wouldn't? She wouldn't.
What are you, stupid? Very funny, joy.
Thank you all for a wonderful birthday week.
Oh, Melanie, thank you for the brown's locker room.
And joy, thank you for the champagne.
It's my favorite.
Enjoy it in good health.
That's it! We're having an intervention.
Joy, you have to start drinking again.
Like life, you're very hard to take without alcohol.
Hello, old friend.
Give up something else.
I mean, just cut back on everything else.
Oh, she's right.
From God's lips to your ears.
Elka, told us this morning that she had you convinced she was God.
Oh, no.
You know the joke's on all of you because I knew all along.
Wait, wait.
How did you know all my secrets? You were mumbling in your sleep at the hospital.
So you put me through all of that just for a joke? Yes! No.
You couldn't even give blood without a camera crew.
I just thought it was time somebody gave you a push in the right direction.
Well, you may not be totally wrong.
I mean, helping others really wasn't so bad.
It made meFeel good about myself in a new and different way.
You know, I might still keep on doing it.
But like joy Only in moderation.
I am going to light the candles.
To Elka.
You may not be God, but you are certainly divine.
If I were God, my birthday wish would come true.
What are you still doing here?