Hot In Cleveland s03e11 Episode Script

I'm with the Band

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Rock and roll history will be made in Cleveland this week when sexy rocker Johnny Revere reunites with his band mate, Drago, shown here during their Unfortunately, one week into simpatico, Johnny and Drago broke up due to creative differences.
They hate each other.
But now the two rockers have agreed to put aside their differences to perform a We Are The World type song promoting the idea that everyone should just stop yelling at each other and get along.
It's called Cool Aid: A time to chill.
And I'll have exclusive access to the story behind the story because I happen to know the lucky lady dating Johnny Revere.
That's right, the Ohio part of America.
It's me.
Hey, what are you doing? Oh, just chilling glasses.
Johnny likes his martini cold and his Victoria hot.
This Cool Aid thing has an amazing lineup of musicians.
Oh, my God.
David Gates is gonna be there? - Who? - David Gates from Bread.
Oh, I must have listened to The Best of Bread a million times in high school.
You went to high school in an elevator? Bread is not elevator music.
It's soft rock.
There's a difference.
Oh, sure.
Soft rock isn't all up in your face like elevator music.
I'm coming with you to the recording session.
I want David Gates to sign my guitar.
I'm coming too.
Maybe someone will discover me.
I still dream of becoming a professional singer.
And I dream about CC Sabathia coming back to the Indians.
Neither one of 'em's gonna happen.
Seriously.
I'm better than Verena.
Stupid Mariah Carey wannabe.
- Well, doesn't Verena have, like, a six-octave range? If computers can digitally take out a rib for a photo shoot, they can do anything.
I told you that in confidence.
Oh, that must be Johnny.
Do you want us to stall him while you get ready? No, that's what's so great about our relationship now.
We can just be ourselves.
Guess who's hot for teacher.
I Oh, I was expecting someone else.
Would you like to buy some chocolate? Do you really think that I could eat candy and fit into an outfit like this? Why are you dressed like that? Well, I just got home from school, and, uh, haven't had a chance to put on my play clothes yet.
Oh, and there's my playmate now.
- Hi, Victoria.
- Hi, Johnny.
I had a "hot for teacher" line, but now that seems wildly inappropriate.
Uh, we need to talk.
Uh-oh.
Sounds like you're gonna need some chocolate.
Well, Natalya and I have been seeing each other for six months.
How old is she? That's not important.
Oh, my God.
How young is she? That's more than half my height.
So, uh, how did you meet? She's a backup singer in my band.
Oh.
Okay, so it's nothing.
No, it would be like me sleeping with an extra, like "cop #1" or "hunky trucker.
" You don't understand.
Of course I understand.
You and I have an open relationship.
What you do on the road or what I do on the set of the Lifetime Original Movie Truck Stop Waitress: The Alison McClaney Story has nothing to do with us.
I'm gonna ask her to marry me.
A backup singer? Well, she repeats everything I say.
It's very affirming.
All right, please, just no-- no jokes right now.
I'm kind of reeling here.
Okay, I'm sorry.
What you and I have is incredible.
But all you want is a weekend here and a night there.
I know, that's what makes it so exciting.
Yeah, and-- and this outfit you're wearing isn't making this any easier.
But I need more than that.
Natalya wants to be there every day.
I mean, I asked you to marry me, and you turned me down.
Well, of course.
I can't go on the road and--and travel around with you in a bus and--and stay in motels and--and all that loud music.
I mean, that is a young woman's game.
Oh.
I'm devastated.
Look at me.
I'm actually eating chocolate.
And it's the lowest form of chocolate.
Fundraiser chocolate.
Honey.
I'm so sorry.
I know it hurts.
You know, even though Johnny wasn't always there, I thought he'd always be there.
He was like my safety net.
Maybe knowing you had a safety net was holding you back from finding someone wonderful.
That's just something people who don't have safety nets say.
That's true.
You know what? This is crazy.
No more wallowing.
I have got to move on.
Bravo, Victoria.
And the best way to do that is to get revenge.
I always "bravo" too soon.
I know.
I need to go to Johnny's recording tomorrow with a new boyfriend, someone who trumps rock star.
How about George Clooney? - Ooh, that's good.
- Mm-hmm.
But does movie star beat rock star? Yes, that's the only problem with choosing George Clooney.
Look, it has to be someone who will really make Johnny mad-- as mad at you as he is with Drago.
That's it! Drago! Oh, that is gonna kill Johnny to see me with him.
Guess who's hot for teacher.
It's chaos out here.
I was totally like And good news! Got so excited, out of the blue Knee socks.
Oh, my gosh.
Of course I'll be your girlfriend.
Look, I'm sorry.
I don't know where the hell Drago is.
Oh, I'm sure he had a good excuse.
Perhaps he was out late last night with some beautiful woman.
A woman whose identity could be surprising and potentially disturbing to you.
I'm here! I'm here! History to be made.
Where's Johnny Revere? I'm Johnny, you idiot.
Whoa! Gee! Whoa, time is cruel.
Just craggy.
I got these bags carrying your drunken ass, like I'm about to do right now.
Okay, guys, guys.
Let's do this thing.
Welcome, everybody.
A time to chill is a song to promote peace and brotherhood in these contentious times.
The world needs If we could all just get I mean, take I mean, that's what it's all about.
Right? Well said, Drago.
Anyway, I can't think of a better project to bring us back together.
And speaking of together, I know that America would be very interested to know that you have a new girlfriend who's young enough to be your granddaughter.
So it's not creepy at all.
And--and Drago, uh, I hear that you have a new special someone in your life.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Shout it from the rooftops.
Viselnub.
I'll just give everyone out there in TV land a hint.
It's me.
What? That's what I said.
Viselnub.
- Uh, Vic-to-ria.
Viselnub.
- Vic-- - Visel-- - toria.
- Nub.
- Victoria.
- Viselnub.
Oh, isn't he adorable? Okay, Frank, that's enough.
I think we got it.
Look, Victoria.
You don't have to pretend to like this jerk just to get back at me.
I'm not pretending.
No, he and I have had a thing for each other for years.
Number one in me spank bank.
And you in mine, my love.
Who in this room do you think has the most valuable hair? Put those away.
Are you insane? But I need a lock of celebrity hair to auction off for my animal shelter.
I-- Ohh, Bieber! The mother lode.
Any sign of David Gates from Bread? I don't know what he looks like.
Well, probably the same as he did, only 30 years older.
I don't know what he looked like then.
Seriously? Baby, I'm-a want you? "I wanna make it with you?" David Gates from Bread is famous.
If you have to add the band he played with when you say his name, he's not famous.
Nobody ever says "Sting from The Police.
" I'm sorry, ma'am.
Mr.
Bieber's busy.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm Justin's grandmother.
His grandmother's 45.
Okay, I'll level with you.
I need a lock of his hair for my animal shelter.
Do you know how many charities want a piece of Mr.
Bieber? Ugh.
I didn't think I'd have to do this, but check out these puppies.
Please don't, ma'am.
Well, I mean-- I mean, these are the puppies you'd be saving.
Cupcake and-- and Frosting.
Ooh, doo-doo woo-doo-woo-dee.
Ooh, headset man.
Do you know if David Gates is here? Uh, yeah, he's in the control room.
Oh, my God.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Who's David Gates? He's the president of the Minivan council.
They're sponsoring this whole thing.
- 'Scuse me.
Hi.
- Hello.
You're David Gates from-- I--you're David Gates.
Call me Dave.
- I'm Melanie.
- Mm-hmm.
I think it's so great that you're doing this.
Do you think maybe you'd sign my guitar? Well, I'm not really much of a musician.
Oh, stop! Don't listen to the haters.
That's, uh, one of those non-electric ones.
Yeah.
Oh, could you write, "To Melanie: I wanna make it with you"? Sure.
You're a beautiful woman, Melanie.
Thank you.
I'd like to see you in one of my minivans.
Oh! Well, in my fantasy, it's a Porsche.
But okay.
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Thank you so much.
Um, could I ask for one more thing? I mean, you probably get asked this all the time, but can I give you a kiss? Does the Toyota Sienna have 12 cup holders? Does it? Hell, yeah.
Hello what's up I love those boots How's it going? Well, I couldn't get any Bieber hair.
That chick runs fast.
Well, my plan's not working either.
Neither is mine.
I've yet to be discovered, even though I'm singing in everyone's face and being all cute and "adorkable.
" How come that works for Zooey Deschanel? - "Adorkable" is like short shorts-- ridiculous after 30.
But back to me.
Johnny's not buying that Drago and I are together.
He just needs to see it with his own eyes.
If the billion-dollar porn industry has taught us anything, it's that men are visual.
And when a pizza is delivered, the topping is always sausage.
Ooh, look at these oranges.
So high in vitamin-- "C" Verena, right? Sorry, dude.
I really don't have time to sign autographs right now.
Actually, I was hoping for an interview.
I'm Opal with the BBC World Service.
Oh! I love the BBC.
Um, I'm sorry, what did you say your name was? Opal.
Opal Winfrey.
No relation.
Would you care to demonstrate your six-octave range? A lot of people think it's a trick done in the studio.
Not me, but credible sources.
I would, but I'm resting my voice.
Well, you heard it here first.
She can't do it.
This is Opal Winfrey with the-- Now, hang on a minute.
United United United United Yeah.
I counted four.
Oh, Drago.
You naughty boy.
There's a room full of people next door.
Victoria! People can hear you.
The mic is on.
I know.
I turned it on so Johnny could hear.
Unfortunately, Drago passed out, like, five minutes ago.
I've had to play both parts.
What are you smiling about? I made out with David Gates in this very room.
Johnny's coming! Quick, put Drago back on top of me.
Now what? Hide, hide! Oh, yes.
Yes, Drago.
Oh, Viselnub.
Viselnub, oh, you're so hot, Viselnub.
Oh! Oh! Yes, yes.
Well, did it work? Was he jealous? I don't know.
I couldn't see anything.
I was under the mixing board.
I'm up! Did we shag? Was I good? Two girls.
Was I in a sandwich? Not in a sandwich? United Didn't quite get there, did you? Oh, no.
Vo--gone.
Vo--duh-- What? What are you saying? She says she can't sing.
Are you guys ready to rock? Huh? But first, let's thank our sponsor, the Minivan Ad council, and their president of marketing and strat planning, David Gates.
Oh, my God.
I take it you made out with the wrong guy? See, this is why you say, "David Gates from Bread.
" Quick announcement.
Verena had to cancel due to throat problems.
No! I'm here.
Verena's here.
I'm Verena.
Great.
We all know that's Joy, right? And cue playback.
Try to stay in tune, you brain-dead freak.
Didn't need brains to shag your girlfriend.
Too many people raising their voice the world is so divided and isn't it time we all made a choice to sing as friends united uni-- Cut! Stop the playback.
You keep your hands off Victoria, you limey bastard.
Oh, it's working.
Oh, bloody hell, wanker.
She's not your Viselnub.
She is my veezelnub.
Uh, Victoria.
And I'm taking her back.
There's no take-backs, you selfish pissant! You kicked me out of the band! You left the band.
Wandered off in Amsterdam.
You and Keith Richard, living in that windmill.
Oh.
You can turn it off.
They're not talking about me any more.
I'm gonna take a five.
Don't touch anything.
Oh, well, now I gotta touch something.
Well, your revenge plan worked.
Bravo.
Oh, I got much more than revenge.
I got my safety net back.
And now Johnny and I can go back to the way things were, you know.
I mean, I know that he wanted someone who'd be there all the time, but, you know, when you love someone, you have to make sacrifices.
I'd certainly do that for him.
Although, uh Clearly, I didn't on this occasion.
I I didn't even think of him at all.
God, this was a terrible plan.
Again, I "bravo" too soon.
So, Melanie, m'lady.
When this is all over, are we still going to Chili's? Listen, David Gates from Marketing.
I thought you were David Gates from Bread.
I wish! Huge Bread fan.
I'm a loafer for life.
Really? Are you a Bread Head? Does the Toyota Sienna have 12 cup holders? I'm confused.
I just want you to have what you need, which is someone who'll be there for you every day, and that's just not me.
So you need to go back to Natalya.
You did all that to get me back, and now you don't want me? We both know it's for the best.
Wow.
So this is really it for us? I guess so.
But you'll always be in my spank bank.
Do you even know what that is? No.
Good.
You know, I'm gonna write a song about you.
Course, I won't be able to play it in concert 'cause the fans just want to hear all the old stuff.
Good-bye, Johnny.
What was I thinking? Natalya's not better for me.
She's 22.
She never even dialed a phone.
What was I thinking, doing something unselfish? Yeah.
That's not the woman I love.
Having you 20% of the time is better than having any other woman all of the time.
Aww.
Actually, when you add up the days, it's--it's really not even 20%, just Oh, shut up.
This is I can't believe it.
Viselnub's back with Johnny.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Especially for somebody famous like you.
You are famous, aren't you? Yes, very.
But it still hurts.
Oh, of course it does.
Come here.
Oh.