Hot In Cleveland s03e13 Episode Script

Tangled Web

Now what? Last time on "Hot in Cleveland" I got back together with my ex-husband and my ex-parrot.
Hello, bitch.
I got lucky with a handsome stranger.
I missed seeing the guy who stood me up at the altar.
Nobody knows they're the same guy.
Doughnuts! You're a saint.
I ate them all.
You bitch! That was too strong.
I--I just really wanted a doughnut.
I just really wanted a doughnut.
He repeats everything I say.
They're emergency doughnuts.
I was up all night, obsessing about Kyle.
Joy's pathetic.
She'll die alone.
Where does he get this stuff? I texted Kyle, explaining why I didn't show up last night and he texted back, "Maybe it's for the best.
" What could that possibly mean? That he thinks it's for the best.
But he said "maybe".
"Maybe it's for the best," which means, "maybe it wasn't.
" And until I figure that out, I have no idea what to write back.
I'm sure you'll think of the right thing to say.
Joy will screw it up.
That's one bird's opinion.
Good morning.
Guess why I am in men's clothes.
You went naked to see a guy, you slept with him, and you borrowed his clothes.
Well in my mind, it didn't sound so cheap.
But in my defense, I did not sleep with the man I got naked for.
I slept with another man.
That sounded even sluttier.
But we did click.
Well, if you're just getting in, you must have clicked more than once.
I got back together with Max.
Elka, that's wonderful! Congratulations.
Joy, how did it go with Kyle? I just ate 12 doughnuts.
You bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm still mad.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Good morning.
Hag alert, hag alert.
Oh, shut your seed hole.
What are you doing here? I thought you were going to South America with Clark.
Oh, I was.
And it was so exciting.
I was actually falling for him again.
But then he accused me of bringing too much luggage and I said, "well that was never a problem" for Ginger from Gilligan's Island.
" And then he wanted to know, "where is this island?" And I said, "well nobody knew, that was the whole point.
" And then, long story short, he left me.
Oh, Victoria, I'm sorry.
Well, thank you.
But as is customary after a breakup, I have revenged myself.
I have stolen one of Clark's rare spiders whose poisonous venom instantly paralyzes you for a few hours.
Why would you take that? Because it also tightens a woman's skin.
Why, just now, I accidentally brushed a fang while milking her and see? Oh, it's as soft as a baby's bottom.
Tut-tut-tut, as a baby's poison bottom.
Here, go ahead and poke it.
I can't feel a thing.
Oh, to not feel anything.
I want that spider to bite me.
Well, interestingly, uh, the chances of that happening have gone up significantly in the last half hour.
Don't you dare say a spider's loose.
There's a spider loose.
Well, I didn't say it.
Elka, Max's lake house is beautiful.
We should get our house fumigated more often.
Oh, please, I'm still in mourning.
We left that magical spider behind to die before its-- its contributions to skin care could be fully exploited.
Oh, it's Casey.
He's almost here.
Thanks, you guys, for letting me invite him.
I wish Max could be here.
Without a man there's nothing to do up here but drink.
Ah, there's the magic word.
Let's dump these groceries and pick some boyfriends out of the liquor cabinet.
Ooh, I think that's Casey.
Oh, I can't wait for you to meet him.
There's a spider loose.
You need a new catchphrase, Barry.
Eat me.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Is it possible you've gotten sexier in the last five hours? - Why thank you.
- Hi, I'm Victoria.
- Hi, I'm-- - Kyle! - Joy? - Yes, it's me.
Oh, my God, it's really you.
This is Kyle, the Kyle.
Uh, well, uh, but I'm not going by Kyle any more.
I go by my initials, K.
I'll say.
How did you find me? Uh, well, it's a--it's a--it's a funny--it's a funny-- it's a funny story.
I--I got a hold of him and-- and brought him up here to surprise you.
Right, yeah.
It--it's really not so funny "ha ha" as it is funny, uh Well, here we are.
- And who's that? - That must be Casey, right? Uh, my new boyfriend's name is Casey, which is funny 'cause Casey and K.
are easily confused.
So we better call you "Kyle.
" Good, 'cause we wouldn't want things to be confusing.
Hi, have you heard the Good Tidings? Yes, you're here.
My new boyfriend, Casey.
I certainly call that good tidings.
I'm not really sure what's happening.
What's happening is you must be starving.
So let's get you in the kitchen Baby.
The Rapture is rapidly approaching.
Oh, you and those double-entendres.
You see why I'm crazy about him? Oh, hello ma'am, have you heard the good news? I think I'm looking at it.
Okay, listen up.
Your name is Casey.
We met last night, and now you're my boyfriend.
Is this a cult? The high master warned us about cults.
Oh, no, no, I promise this isn't a cult, no.
You just have to follow my orders exactly, and can't leave.
Look, Joy, uh I owe you a-- a long overdue apology and, uh, more importantly, an explanation.
Actually, I'm still overwhelmed by the surprise.
I don't think I'm ready to do that just yet.
Oh, thank God.
I mean When you're ready.
I still don't get it.
Okay, that guy out there was "A love at first sight" thing for me last night.
But it turns out he's the guy that left my friend my friend Joy at the altar.
Before you tell Joy, you might wanna soften it with a joke.
Like, uh It seems there was an assaulted peanut-- oh, crap, I told it wrong.
I'm not gonna tell her.
Nobody is ever and it's all gonna turn out just fine.
This is a disaster.
How could you not know that Casey was Kyle? Sweet greatness in the sky, it's Victoria Chase.
Last night when I met him-- In a minute.
Are you a fan? I used to rush through my wood-chopping chores so I wouldn't miss a second of Edge of Tomorrow.
Oh, what a Powerful story.
Okay, listen up.
This is what we're gonna do.
This nice religious person-- - Heavenly Witness, ma'am.
- Super is going to spend the night and be my boyfriend, Casey.
Uh, I'm sorry.
I am so confused.
I should ask a higher power.
What would you do, Victoria Chase? I would do it.
Then I'm in.
I can help you with those, Melanie.
No, no, that's okay.
You stay here with Joy.
Casey will help me.
Casey! Uh, I'm Casey.
All through dinner, I was holding this in, but I'm just gonna say it.
I am so mad at you.
I know.
But not for what you think I'm mad at you for.
I'm mad because I can't get mad at you.
For 25 years I've been carrying around all this anger, and now all I can think about is how good you look.
Couldn't you be bald and fat? Well, I've had two desserts, give it time.
I just have so many mixed emotions about you Although it's kind of obvious how you feel about me.
It is? I mean, a guy wouldn't drive all the way up here to see a girl unless he really cared about her.
I guess that's true.
And I guess she wouldn't let him stay unless she felt a little something too.
I'm sorry, what was that? Good night, all.
Casey, I'll show you to your room.
I can handle it, Victoria.
Well, if you get lost in the night, I can handle it right next door.
Well, I guess we should turn in too.
Me up there.
All alone.
You, here on the couch, equally alone.
Well, buona notte.
I think I might be getting a little company tonight.
Oh, wouldn't it be great if I had what you have with Casey? Oh, yeah, good ol-- Casey! That's me! - Good night.
- Good night.
Just think, tonight I'm going to have strong sex with Victoria Chase.
Just don't get caught.
Oh, before I leave, I need to mentally prepare myself.
Have you ever seen Victoria Chase naked? Uh, yeah, but she was covered in mud at a spa.
Oh, to be a worm in that mud.
Please just go.
Strong sex with Victoria Chase.
Kyle, you came-- Go away.
There's no heat in my room.
I need some place to put my cold, ancient feet.
Sadly, I've fallen for that line before.
Come in.
But if Kyle shows up, you're out of here.
I'll take those odds.
Kyle, get out of my bed! I--I--I just wanna talk to you.
Oh, yeah, and kiss you And have sex with you.
No, you've already turned me into some slutty high-school girl who's cheating with her best friend's boyfriend.
Well, if you're trying to turn me off, it's not working.
No, stop being cute and funny.
Oh, come on, I didn't hit you that hard.
No, no.
Something just bit me.
And they're getting so smooth and youthful.
Oh, my God, Victoria's spider.
Guys, you have to help me.
Kyle's in my room, stiff as a board.
Well, what a coincidence.
Your spider bit him.
He's paralyzed.
My spider-- she's here? Yes, we have to get Kyle out of my room.
It'll crush Joy if she finds him in there.
So I'm gonna keep a lookout for her and then you guys drag him down to the sofa.
Well, why can't I keep a lookout and you drag? Because you're stronger than I am.
Look at your toned arms.
Oh, these arms are for show.
The only things they carry are lesser actors through big scenes.
You know, between this and jail and the zoo, we sure sleep together a lot.
That thought is scarier than this book.
You idiot, don't go in there.
Called it.
Oh, you deserve to have your brains eaten.
Oh, I hate this book.
Then why don't you stop reading it? It's bad for me, but I'm attracted to it.
Remind you of anybody? Point taken.
But I don't know if Kyle is good or bad for me.
He stood you up at the altar.
And I still don't know why Because I'm afraid to ask.
I don't want to hear all the reasons I was unlovable.
I just want him to want me again.
And this guy just wants to smear a little brains on a cracker.
Everybody has their dreams.
I'm sorry about this, and I'm sorry about Victoria dropping you on the stairs.
I told you these arms were for show.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Can I keep Casey? Yes, have strong sex with Casey.
Let's do it right here.
Uh, guys? I'm still alive.
Oh, uh, he's right.
We should probably go to our room but not empty-handed.
A bottle of wine? Amen.
Uh, excuse me? Could you help prop me up on my pillows, please? Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna die, am I? I doubt it, but if you do, after what you did to Joy, you'd probably deserve it.
You know, people tend to get what they deserve.
Oh, something bit me.
There's a spider loose.
Yeah, Barry, we got that.
- Barry, are you okay? - Clark.
Victoria! Uh, Clarkit isn't what it looks like.
Strong sex with Victoria Chase.
How did you find me? Tracking chip in Barry.
And to think I came back for you.
Oh, look, Clark, um, this man is not my lover.
I don't even find her attractive.
All right, that is not necessary information.
She is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I will fight any man who tries to take her from me.
Well, then you'll have to fight me.
OhUh Well I might have to do a bit of stretching first.
Clark, you don't have to fight anyone.
Look at you, sounding all jealous and sexy.
Oh, Victoria, give me a hug.
Uh, a little help with the arms.
Wait a minute.
You're paralyzed.
No, I'm not.
- You stole my spider! - No, I didn't.
Then stand up.
I don't feel like it.
You selfish, spider-stealing she-demon! Don't you talk to the woman I love that way.
What do you mean, "the woman you love"? Could somebody get the woman they love off of me? What is going on out here? Oh boy.
Your boyfriend just said he's in love with Victoria.
I'm not her boyfriend.
Well, of course not, now that I know you're in love with Victoria! How could you?! Okay, that's done, good night, everybody.
All right, what's going on? Everyone seems to know except me.
Joy-- I've got this.
Joy, these two peanuts went on a salty-- Crap, that's not right either.
Would somebody please just tell me? Okay, but it's gonna hurt, so I'm gonna tell it fast, like pulling off a band-aid.
Last night I met Kyle, but I thought he was Casey, not K.
, and he came up here to see me, not you, and as soon as I found out who he was, I didn't wanna have anything to do with him.
- I'm so, so, so sorry.
- Me too.
The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you Again.
And I'm only on top of him because we both got bit by my spider.
Now could someone please move me into a more dignified position? - I'll do it.
- I'll do it.
No, I've got her.
- I've got her.
- No, I've got her.
Give her to me! She's mine.
- Legs together, please.
- Yeah.
I just don't understand.
Why did you agree to meet me on top of the tower? Well, I was in a confused and desperate place, and when you got in touch with me, I thought, "maybe it's a sign.
" So I called off my marriage and I--I came to see you.
You left someone else at the altar? I can't help it.
I panic.
I thought maybe if we reconnected, you could fix me.
And then when you weren't there and I met Melanie, I thought maybe this was a sign and she could fix me.
I know a vet who could fix you.
How many times have you done this? Oh four.
Five if you include Joy.
So, for the past 25 years, you've just been jumping from woman to woman, hoping the next one will solve all your problems? I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic.
You're not a romantic, you're pathetic.
Joy, I'm sorry.
Are you kidding? This is fantastic.
All these years, I thought it was me, but it's you! You're a selfish, emotionally stunted bastard.
Yes, you get it.
You can fix me.
We can put the mistakes of our past behind us now that we're finally getting closure.
Oh, Kyle, I have waited so long to hear that.
I want you out of this house right now.
Because you know what the best kind of closure is? - Door closure.
- What, it's over? You heard me.
Door closure.
But I still can't move.
Well, as soon as you can, we're going right back to this position because I just came up with that door closure line, and I obviously really like it.
- There's a spider loose.
- Oh, shut up.
- Shut up.
- Oh, quit imitating me.
- Quit imitating me.
- Barry is an idiot.
Nice try, hag.
Oh, I still feel terrible about this.
- I hope I didn't hurt you.
- Oh, thank you.
But I'm not hurt at all.
Ow, something just bit me.
- Oh, Victoria's spider.
- My spider? My spider? Oh, my God, look at her face.
What? You look 19.
I'll get the Antivenin.
- Wait! - Don't you dare! Just brush my hair and prop me up in front of the nearest fire station.