Hot In Cleveland s03e23 Episode Script

When You Open a Door

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Why are you watching the last episode of Edge Of Tomorrow? Ah-ha! You said you never watched it.
You said it was terrible.
No, I watched it.
I said you were terrible.
It's the third anniversary of the cancellation of the show.
So we watch it with Victoria to cheer her up.
It's the one day of the year I reserve to really think about myself.
Now watch.
Lady Natalie.
Tess Montgomery.
Judge Thorndike.
I always expected one of you to betray me.
But not all three.
You're ruined, Honor St.
Pack your bags and leave Primrose Valley.
Like many of the harlots before you, you will not be missed, my dear.
Why all this cruelty? As you well know, our relationship never recovered from your little affair with Luis The sexy Latin pool boy.
I haven't been a sexy Latin pool boy for 15 years.
I am a sexy Latin lawyer.
That's it! I'm leaving.
But you haven't heard the last of Honor St.
Raven! Oh, my God.
How tragic is it that I will never know what was waiting for Honor St.
Raven on the other side of that door? I'll tell you what's tragic.
They've stopped making my favorite lipstick color.
- Oh, man! - Unbelievable they did that.
I've been wearing "Prohibition Pink" for 75 years.
I know what'll cheer you up.
Let's watch the last episode again.
Only this time with my voice-over commentary.
- Is that on the DVD? - No, I'll just do it now.
Wait, I'm getting a vision of the future.
Oh, it's me Puncturing my own eardrums.
You know though, it's too bad they didn't bring it back online as webisodes.
Like they tried to do with All My Children.
I'll do it.
I'll star in new webisodes of Edge Of Tomorrow.
Victoria, you're doing that thing where you accept parts in shows that don't exist.
No, but it can.
I mean, fans have obsessed for years about what was behind that door.
Now all I need to do is to get Apryl Sinclaire, the show's creator, on board.
She'll never do it.
Oh, they couldn't stand each other.
They fought all the time about who was responsible for Honor St.
Which is ridiculous.
I mean, sure she created the character and wrote her lines, but it was my acting that brought her to life.
Now Apryl was a horrid pig about it but I always took the high road.
But weren't your last words to Apryl, "I hate you and I hope you die.
" Well, in Hollywood that's practically "Aloha.
" It means both "hello" and "good-bye.
" Victoria Chase.
- Hugh Fletcher? - Why are you here? I should ask you the same thing.
And I will.
Why are you here? The day after our show ended, I took all of my money and I made a little film called Twilight.
That's amazing! And then the real Twilight came out.
And I was sued for copyright infringement and I lost everything.
So now I'm working as Apryl Sinclaire's butler.
Well, this room is exactly like our old set.
Oh, if I pull open a drawer, will Dr.
Tess Montgomery's dialog be written in it? And yet, that bubblehead got all the meaty scenes and I was relegated to providing exposition and reminding others of what the plot points were! Well, to be honest, I never really paid attention to what the other people on the show were saying.
Well, well, well.
Look what the cat drug in.
Apryl Sinclaire, my old friend.
This is an awkward moment.
The two of you haven't seen each other in three years.
And you did not depart on the best of terms.
I should exit.
I fear we started off on the wrong foot.
I actually came here to bury the hatchet and move forward.
Not until you say that Honor St.
Raven was based on me.
I'll gladly say those words.
Honor St.
Raven was based on me.
I don't want to have this fight.
Neither do I.
- I'm Honor St.
- Honor St.
Raven is me.
- I'm her.
- Fine.
She's me.
And now that that's settled, uh, let's talk about why I'm here.
How would you like to help me bring back Edge Of Tomorrow? - You mean on TV? - Not exactly.
Webisodes? Like All My Children? Not exactly.
I've talked to some marketing people who want to do it as an app.
An app? The news station where I work has agreed to recreate the set, and with product placement, we can pay for the whole thing.
So what do you say? Hugh! I have standing orders to have the bags ready should anybody show the slightest bit of interest in resurrecting the show.
To sum up She'll do it.
After our long flight from Los Angeles, we have arrived in Cleveland.
Well, Victoria, this is so exciting.
You're bringing your show back.
My show.
Apryl is correct, my show.
And we have our first sponsor.
The good people at 3 Musketeers.
We just have to make sure that a major character is seen eating a 3 Musketeers bar or is named "3 Musketeers bar.
" I'm sorry but it always takes me out of a show when I see a product displayed so boldly.
But wow, these things are really good! Joy, you'll be happy to know that Hector Cruz-- The sexy Latin lawyer.
Has agreed to do the show just because of you.
Oh, please.
I did his eyebrows on the show a few times.
He flirted with me, but besides his being married, he's just not my type.
But he's not married any more.
Hot damn, I am so gonna tap that.
Me too.
What? It's just as likely.
Okay, everybody, let's go.
You're a writer, so you'll be my writing staff.
As soon as you let go of my face, okay.
And you can do hair and makeup! I know I can.
It's my job.
Grab my face, you'll pull back a stump.
Okay, if I'm the writer, I do have a few questions.
How many actors are coming back? Only the ones from the last scene.
It's all we could afford.
Well, then who's on the other side of the door? Ooh, we didn't think about that.
Well, as we all know, everyone on the show had an evil twin.
My character had two evil twins.
As I do in real life.
If we're gonna continue the series, how do we explain that all the other characters disappeared? We can't just say an atom bomb went off.
Wait, I've got it.
An atom bomb went off.
Oh, no.
It's from Elizabeth Meadow.
The upper crust British Lady Natalie.
She got a better offer.
She's playing a corpse on Psych.
Cable's delightful mystery comedy.
Okay, now what are we gonna do? We have to find an actress to play this part at the last minute.
Perhaps, my dear, I can be of assistance.
Well as you all can see, Victoria's news station did an excellent job in recreating our set.
With a few exceptions.
Uh, some of the windows and doors don't work.
But it'll do.
And we have two new sponsors.
Bed, Bath & Beyond and then at some point someone has to say "Happy Birthday, Nana," from Ed and Denise Milch.
Yeah, that'll be easy to fit in.
Victoria! I am so excited! Oh, you haven't changed a bit.
I'm not Victoria.
- Jessica, I'm Victoria.
- Oh! Victoria! - You haven't changed a bit.
- Oh-ho-ho.
And Apryl You haven't changed a bit.
Jessica, hi, are you all right? Oh, I got lasik surgery.
On my eyes.
I don't think it turned out so good.
Even though I went to a really good eye dentist.
So you may have to write my lines a little bigger inside the drawers.
Joy! Where are you, my sweet? It's Hector.
He's here.
You're as beautiful as ever.
I recognize you as well.
Yes, I am no longer a slave to the gym.
I got rid of my trainer.
What'd he do, eat him? - What about your hair? - It was a weave.
I got behind on my payments.
What hasn't thinned Is my desire for you.
Ay dios mio, I could take you right now! Out for a burger.
Okay, everyone, get in costume.
- Rehearsal in ten.
- I'll be back in five.
All I have to do is take off my shirt.
Am I right, ladies? Oh, Hector, you haven't changed a bit.
Let me get this straight.
We're still gonna go through with this, despite several obvious potential disasters.
All right.
From Honor's line and action.
Lady Natalie.
Tess Montgomery.
Judge Thorndike.
I always expected one of you to betray me.
But not all three.
Victoria, Honor St.
Raven cries after that line.
Honor St.
Raven would do no such thing because Honor St.
Raven, me, would never give these people the satisfaction of crying in front of them.
Okay, what if honor says "I won't give you" "the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
"Instead I will take satisfaction "from this classic light and fluffy whipped nougat - Powerful.
- Good stuff.
Yeah, it just came to me.
In a text from our sponsor.
Okay, places everyone.
Let's start with Jessica's line.
You're ruined, Honor St.
Pack your bags and leave Primrose Valley.
Like the many harlots before you, you will not be missed, my dear.
What's with the straw? I'm conserving my lipstick.
So FYI, no kissing scenes.
Sorry, Hugh.
Okay, from Honor's line and action.
Why all this cruelty? As you well know Our relationship has never recovered from your little Affair with Luis The sexy Latin pool boy.
I haven't been a sexy Latin pool boy in 15 years.
I'm a sexy Latin lawyer.
What do we do? Well, we could do what you did with actresses that got pregnant on your show.
I haven't been a sexy Latin pool boy in 15 years.
I'm a sexy Latin lawyer, who likes his women like he likes his laundry-- fresh, folded.
- I'll work on that line.
- Mm.
Let's go to Victoria at the door.
Well, that's it.
I'm leaving.
And you haven't heard the last of Honor St.
Raven! Oh, my God.
It's Made in China! Other drawer, honey! It's Senator Jason Von Klauss! My twin brother, whom I haven't spoken to in 20 years.
And I refuse to be in the same room with him! Unh! Geez! Uh, that's one of the doors that doesn't work.
It's Senator Jason Von Klauss! I have shocking news.
Terrorists have set off an atomic bomb.
Everyone else in Primrose Valley have gone To the great beyond.
And all we have left are these few items from the great Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Only one thing would surprise me more.
If you were to say "Happy Birthday, Nana, from Ed and Denise Milch.
" I can't believe it, everyone is gone.
Once again, the stage directions say "cry.
" And once again, Honor St.
Raven would not cry.
Which I know because I am Honor St.
No, I am Honor St.
Raven! You're just a puppet that butchers my lines.
I'm gonna pull the plug on this disaster.
Yeah! Yeah, go ahead and give up.
That's what you do best.
God, if you had any guts at all, then our show would still be on the air! You don't know what you're talking about.
I hate you and I hope you die! Oh, very mature.
I hate you and I hope you die.
No, guys, don't go now! The next scene is gold! And we have to pay for lunch if we don't mention the taco truck.
Well, I'm leaving.
Thanks for wasting my time.
- Thanks for ruining my career.
- I gave you your career.
And then you took it away.
If you had stood up to the network, Edge Of Tomorrow wouldn't have been cancelled.
But you just gave up without a fight.
And I am not letting you go back to L.
Until you admit that I'm right.
- You're right.
- Wow.
You really don't know how to put up much of a fight, do you? Yes, I could have kept the show on the air.
But only if I killed off Honor St.
That's what was waiting for you on the other side of that door-- a bullet.
Well, so what? I've been killed off five or six times.
I always come back.
Once I even had to perform brain surgery on myself while being held hostage in a submarine.
No, this would have been a real death.
You see, the network wanted the show to revolve around A younger character.
Younger? Yes.
- Wow.
- I know.
But should we really be eavesdropping? You're right, let's go.
I even wrote her death scene but I couldn't go through with it.
I loved Honor St.
Raven too much.
So you cancelled the show to keep her alive.
- Yes.
- I see.
Uh, if you wouldn't mind telling me, what were my dying words? Well, I don't remember them exactly.
Oh, that's okay.
I wouldn't have done them exactly.
You apologized to anyone you may have wronged.
And then you whispered, "Honor St.
Raven is no more.
" "Honor St.
Raven, never more.
" And I haven't written a word since.
We really shouldn't be spying on them like this.
I know.
We should go.
- Thank you.
- For what? For creating Honor, protecting her, and loving her as much as I did.
Because she was you.
- She was both of us.
- Maybe a little more me.
But probably not.
Feels like she's really dead now.
Maybe I can finally say good-bye and mourn her loss.
Me too.
And maybe we can finally both move on.
I don't really think there's any more moving on for me.
That show was the last chapter of my life.
I couldn't help overhearing.
Because I was eavesdropping.
Apryl Let me be the next chapter in your life.
Will you marry me? What? As you don't know, because I have never told you I've always been in love with you.
And I you.
- Of course I'll marry you.
- Ooh.
To recap, she said "yes.
" Yes! Aw! Have you been eavesdropping this entire time? How terribly rude! Well, I for one am going to look at Honor St.
Raven's death as a new beginning.
If Cheers hadn't ended, we wouldn't have had Becker.
In which I played a woman who Becker found stuffy.
Elka, if you want to save your lipstick, you shouldn't blot your lips.
I didn't.
That's my color.
It's a weird lip print.
Ah, that is mine.
And it's not a lip print.
Please don't tell us what it is.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's nothing bad.
It's just lipstick I use for my pecs.
So that my nipples pop on camera.
Yeah, that's burned in there.
Do you have more of it? Sadly it's been discontinued.
This is my last tube.
- How much? - No, no, no.
Not money.
Elka, you can't trade me for lipstick.
Oh, please, you've given it up for less than that.
What do you say, Joy? Give me a chance.
Well, maybe I was being unfair.
You seem like a nice person and I've had a really tough year.
There are a few guys I really liked, but none of them worked out the way I wanted.
I'm kind of at a crossroads in my life.
You know, typical Virgo.
Excuse me.
Are you one of those women who talks about stuff? Yeah, I talk about stuff.
I just got divorced from someone who Wanted to talk about stuff.
And, well, it's It's not what I want right now.
Good-bye, Joy.
You're life really is sad.
I'm sad? You're putting nipple stick on your lips.
I'm loving it!