Hot In Cleveland s04e12 Episode Script

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I hope he's not going to play golf today.
I hope she won't get mad if I play golf today.
I hate golf.
What's the deal with it anyway? I could skip it, but, God, I love golf.
And I look good when I golf.
I mean, I'm assuming.
No, I do.
I do.
But if he plays golf, I won't see him all day.
Stupid golf.
Hey, you want to play golf with me today? I'd love to! It's funny.
The last thing I wanted to do was to come to Cleveland.
And now the last thing I want to do is leave.
So what now, my love? Well, my evening's free.
How about we try living happily ever after? Oh.
Wow, Victoria Who knew you could act? Soon the whole world will know.
Well, you know, actually, I have been acting for some time.
Of course, darling.
But this is your first Oscar-worthy scene in a major motion picture.
Emmet, would you mind taking a picture with Flat Stanley? Would you move aside, flat Victoria? Elka's boyfriend Pierre has a grandson who needs pictures of Stanley in different places for his school.
[Chuckles.]
Now, I must get going.
I have a last-day ritual where I learn the names of everyone on the crew, so they think I knew them all the time.
I'll walk you out.
He is so charming.
And handsome.
And he makes Victoria so happy.
I am miserable.
What? What's the matter? Well, the movie's over tomorrow, and I just don't know what's going to happen between Emmet and me.
Why haven't you two talked about it? Because every answer to the question "what's next?" is messy.
And we don't know where his next project is.
We don't know where mine is.
And I don't want to make demands like some whiny female.
[Whining.]
Well, you can't go anywhere.
You live with us.
Exactly, Melanie.
Nobody wants to sound like that.
I just wish that we could keep on shooting this movie forever.
I really don't know how I'm going to get through this last scene without falling apart.
You need moral support? I'll cancel my interview for the internship and come with you to the set.
Oh, no, joy.
You really want that internship.
Well, then I'll cancel my plans with Alec.
Oh, honey, I couldn't ask you to do that.
Well, someone should go with you.
[Grumbling.]
I'll do it.
Wow! [Laughing.]
You are really good at this.
That went, like, a mile.
You should do this professionally.
What, you think? Nah.
Well, maybe.
You know, I have never golfed with a girlfriend before, and I didn't know what to expect.
But, I got to tell you, I'm liking it a lot.
Yeah? So am I.
And you look really hot in your golf clothes.
I mean, like, distractingly hot.
And you look really, really good playing golf.
Oh, I don't know.
Golf's, like, my favorite thing to do.
Well, that and sex.
Have you ever combined them? No.
How would you? Where would you? Seriously, where would you? Hello, Funny Face.
You.
You're here.
I couldn't get on that plane.
It's crazy.
The last thing I wanted to do was to come to Cleveland.
Now the last thing I want to do is to leave.
So what now, my love? Well, my evening is free.
Why don't we try living happily ever after? Guess who just took a shower with Ryan Gosling? Wet Flat Stanley.
And Ryan said that was okay? Well, he didn't say no.
Loudly enough.
We were just running the last scene.
Oh, I like that you two get together in the end.
Do you think it's gonna last? Oh, definitely.
I mean, they're so well-suited.
Even though his work takes him all over the world, I'm sure they'll find a way to work it out.
Don't you think so, Emmet? - I give it three months.
- What? Darling, he's a world-renowned conductor who came to Cleveland and rekindled a romance with his ex-wife.
As soon as the glow wears off, he'll realize it was just one of those things.
- Just one of those things? - Exactly.
We've all been there, haven't we? Hmm? Now you'll have to excuse me.
I have a fitting with head costumer Lori.
Hey, there, key grip Sean.
Well, I guess it's pretty clear what Emmet was trying to tell me, huh? You just replace world-renowned conductor with world-renowned actor.
Either way, there's a woman left behind in Cleveland.
But you're not his ex-wife.
[Crying.]
And now I never will be.
[Giggling.]
Seriously, you are, like, the best girlfriend ever.
I owe you, like, 40 hours in an outlet mall.
Do you mind if we go back to the clubhouse? I just want to freshen up a little bit.
Yeah, sure.
There's a comb in my bag, if you want.
Oh, thanks.
Is this my toothbrush? Yeah, you left it at my place this morning.
So you brought it to me? Figured you might want it.
Am I a great boyfriend or what? I tell you, if Bruce Springsteen is waiting for us at the next tee with a plate of ribs, this'll be the best day of my life.
So, you want to intern with a private detective for college credit.
Yes, I'm majoring in criminology.
And I thought this suits me more than interning with the police.
Who said no to me anyway.
So what does your husband think about all this? I'm not married.
Yeah, I noticed you weren't wearing a ring.
I'm a private Detective.
That's the sort of thing I notice.
Hey, would you look at that! I'm also not wearing a ring.
Anyway Being a private detective, it's not all that glamorous.
Mostly you're on surveillance for hours, sitting in a cold car, trying to get evidence that some guy's being unfaithful.
I've been doing that since I was 12.
Well, we'll be working together a lot.
So rule number one You can't fall in love with me.
That won't be a problem.
Good.
'Cause we'll be working a lot of late nights.
Maybe we'll share something.
Maybe a tube of Pringles.
Our hands may accidentally touch.
Still not a problem.
Good to know, good to know.
But I ought to warn you, I'm thinking about working out, maybe eating better.
You know, maybe getting down to a 36 waist.
Would you find that provocative? Not particularly.
Excellent, excellent.
You know what? I'm gonna start you out with a test case.
This one happens to involve my dad.
He's been giving money to some woman, and I don't know why.
I was tailing her, but she lost me.
But I did manage to get this picture.
So if you want to work here, you find out who this woman is and where she lives.
That's Elka Ostrovsky.
And she lives at 68 Cedarcliff Road.
Wow, you're good.
I know Elka's been up to something for months-- large wads of cash, mysterious trips with her friends-- but she won't admit to anything.
We need to set up hidden surveillance cameras outside her place to find out what's going on.
What? Well, I'm not sure about that.
I need to talk to my friends about this.
No, you can't.
I mean, once you're on a case, you can't discuss it with anyone.
It's unprofessional.
And it's my second rule.
Next to not falling in love with me.
- Which I won't.
- Because you mustn't.
- So, I shan't.
- Because you can't.
- But I don't.
- Because you daren't.
What? Joy, this is exactly the sort of heated banter that's gonna make it hard for us not to break all the rules.
Pringle? Okay, places for rehearsal.
So, what's next for you after we wrap this picture, Sir Emmet? Well, I'm fielding a few offers.
I had my fun here, but I'm ready to move on.
New places, new faces.
We're ready for your entrance, Victoria! And Action.
Hello, Funny Face.
[Disappointed.]
Oh, you.
You're here.
I couldn't get on that plane.
It's funny.
The last thing I wanted to do was to come to Cleveland.
Now the last thing I want to do is leave.
Oh, go ahead and leave.
Who wants you? Darling, I don't think that's the right line.
And it's coming off a little hostile.
Well, hostile is better than phony.
At least I didn't wait until the last day to learn the names of the crew.
Even you, Larry.
- It's Gary.
- Close enough.
It was embarrassing and unprofessional, but I just couldn't get through that scene.
Well, how did you leave it with Emmet? He came by my trailer, and I pretended I wasn't there.
That's really mature.
Yeah, the great thing about love is it makes you feel like a teenager.
Bad thing about love is it makes you act like one.
I mean, I have a thing Which I hope isn't a thing, but it might be a thing.
Oh, Melanie, you worry too much.
It's probably not a thing.
I left my toothbrush at Alec's, - and he returned it.
- Oh.
That's a thing.
He's afraid you're a space invader.
All I did was leave a toothbrush.
You know how men think.
First it's a toothbrush, then your lipstick, then it spreads out of the bathroom, and you need a drawer.
Then one day, you blurt out, "Can there be one weekend where we're not watching football?" And bam! He's antiquing with his balls in your purse.
I left my girdle at Pierre's once.
Did he give it back? He claims he never found it.
But, somehow, he squeezed himself into those new leather pants.
Well, putting that image aside, leave your toothbrush at Alec's again and see what happens.
Joy, you are brilliant and deceitful.
You're gonna make a good P.
I.
Oh, I'm just an intern.
It's not like I'm hot on somebody's trail.
[Laughs.]
Changing subjects-- Elka, what have you been up to lately? Stuff.
Well, surely you can say more than that.
Stuff it.
Oh, God, he knows what I'm doing.
He knows I'm gonna leave this toothbrush.
How could he not know? He's not an idiot.
Front, front, front.
Back, back, back.
Okay, toothbrush.
Your mission is to hold your ground.
Just know that you won't be doing it alone.
Hey, look where we are.
It's our sex hole.
There's got to be a better name for it than that.
No, I like that one.
Hey, do you have a tee? Look at you, with the golf terms.
Last time we played, you called it "a little wooden nail thingy.
" Yeah, there's a whole bunch in my bag.
What's this? That is a present.
I was gonna give it to you later.
A toiletry kit.
With my toothbrush.
And my lipstick.
And there's room for toothpaste, deodorant, a razor.
I figured you could keep that in your car, nights you stay with me.
Maybe we should get another one Put it under that pine tree back there, huh? We need to talk about our relationship.
Do we have to? - You think I'm a space invader.
- A what? I leave a toothbrush in your bathroom, and it bugs you so much that you return it to me.
Twice.
It makes me question where this relationship is headed.
Why does it have to go anywhere? I like it where it is.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
Good.
You're up.
Okay, but see, the thing is sometimes there's not nothing wrong with that.
Why are you getting so wound up over a toothbrush? It's not about a toothbrush.
It's about what the toothbrush symbolizes.
You know, I guess there are just two kinds of people.
The ones who like a relationship to be moving forward, and the ones who Like it to stay in one place.
Melanie, if you're asking if I want our relationship to move forward right now, I got to be honest-- I'm not ready for that.
Oh, okay.
Then, um Maybe we should take a break for a while.
Is that what you want? I think it is.
[Sniffles.]
I'd offer you a tissue right now, but it's in the travel case I got you, so That's what I figured.
Oh, honey, it's all gonna be okay.
No.
What if I made the biggest mistake of my life? I shouldn't have pushed him.
Isn't going slow better than not going at all? Oh, I'm sorry, Melanie.
It's horrible what you're going through.
But I'm going to learn from your awful, awful mistake.
When I see Emmet on the set tomorrow, I am not going to bring up our relationship at all.
I'm just going to do the scene and come home with my dignity and a bottle of vodka and watch them both slip away.
You are clear on the concept of private investigation? I know, but I have to be honest.
The three of us are a package deal.
But if you break this rule, what's to stop you from breaking the rule about falling in love with me? I'll stop at just this rule.
Any sign of Elka on surveillance yet? No.
The subject is still laying low.
I feel weird about this.
I mean, Elka has never done anything really wrong.
Melanie, a year ago she was arrested for housing stolen jewels for the mob.
Yeah, well, there was that.
And if we had known about that ahead of time, we could have kept her out of trouble.
Which is what we're trying to do now.
For college credit.
At least this has kept my mind off Alec.
No, it hasn't.
I wonder what he's thinking right now.
Hey, you're a man, right? Well, I'm glad someone noticed.
My take--you spooked him.
I'd be surprised if you ever heard from him again.
[Phone chimes.]
Oh! It's Alec.
I'm surprised.
Hello, Funny Face.
You.
You're here.
The text you got from Gary to meet him on the set actually came from me.
So the text was just a pretext.
Sit with me.
What happened today? Well, you said it wasn't gonna work out with Harry and Sylvia, and clearly you're Harry and I'm Sylvia.
Well, it's true, I don't think it's gonna work out for Harry and Sylvia.
But they're Woody Allen characters.
They're neurotic, self-centered, vain, dramatic.
When are you gonna get to the part where they're not like us? Victoria, of course you and I are gonna work out.
I love you.
Oh, and I love you.
But what's next? We've never discussed it.
Well, I assumed we would when the movie wrapped.
But something's come up, so let's discuss it now.
I've been offered the villain in the new James Bond movie.
Three months shooting in Morocco.
Come with me.
Something's happening.
You feel it too? On the screen.
That's Elka.
And that's my dad.
Okay.
Something's up.
But just give me a couple of days to investigate before you do anything.
Okay oh, God, look at this! Looks a little like a zombie movie.
Yeah.
Night Of The Assisted Living Dead.
You're funny.
Which changes nothing.
So what's with all the secrecy? Your text said you wanted to talk.
Well, I thought if I texted I wanted to show you something in my bathroom, I might creep you out.
Okay.
Open.
[Gasps.]
Oh, Alec.
This is so sweet.
Well, good.
That's what I was going for.
And no travel kit.
This all stays right here.
Where did you get all this? Well, I just went to the store and I said, "load me up on lady stuff.
" "Olay Facial/Hair Removal Duo.
" Mm.
You trying to tell me something? I told the woman at the store you were Italian.
I guess she made assumptions.
I'll throw that away.
No, no, I'll throw it away.
Later.
So what changed your mind? Well, after the golf course, I came home and every room in this house reminded me of you.
And I thought to myself, why am I trying to keep her stuff out of here? She's already here and I like it.
A key? I decided that I'm the kind of person that wants to move forward.
Move in with me? Congratulations, you guys.
I can't believe I'm moving in with Alec.
And I'm going to Morocco with Emmet.
All I know is you're leaving me here, alone with Elka.
I'm gonna miss you guys.
But this is all good, right? I mean, we came to Cleveland to reinvent ourselves, and we did.
Imagine we hadn't crashed here and our flight had taken us straight to Paris.
We would have eaten a lot of fatty French food, bought a lot of discount Chanel, and then flown back to our empty lives in L.
A.
[All inhale, exhale.]
All: Discount Chanel.
I'll grab another bottle.
Elka, what are you doing? Nothing.
What's in there? Nothing! I know you're up to something.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, so that's what you've been selling.
And you've been hiding them all along is this old-fashioned microwave thing.
It's an oven.
The one place you knew we'd never look.
Okay, you got me.
Now what are you gonna do?