Hot In Cleveland s04e18 Episode Script

The Fixer

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Sorry I'm late.
What did I miss? Oh, we were just telling sad, bloated Melanie that Alec was right to break up with her.
What? That's a horrible thing to say! You're gonna make her cry.
That's the plan.
I haven't been able to cry since Alec and I broke up, and I feel like it's all bottled up inside me.
If I could just get one good cry, maybe I could get over him.
Got it.
Has anyone mentioned that he's probably banging some hot 20-something already? I said twins.
Well, the movie's in ten minutes.
Everyone says you can't watch The Diary - without bursting into tears.
- Oh, yes.
The Diary is the movie The Notebook goes to see when it wants to feel sad.
After all the artsy-fartsy cinema Elka and I have had to sit through in our theory of film class, we could use a little mindless entertainment.
no chess games with death.
And only good-looking people get naked.
You know what, you guys? I'm really not up for a movie.
You go, I'm gonna stay here and finish my wine.
- I'll pay the check.
- Oh, honey, are you sure? No, don't try to be nice.
It only makes it harder.
Well, bye, Mel.
Sorry you're so hideous.
And unlovable.
Have fun dying alone.
Nothing.
Bourbon and branch.
Empty just like my life.
You okay? I'm sorry.
It's just that there's no nut in my peanut.
That's a bummer, but easily remedied.
Oh, why bother? I didn't even want the damn peanut! I just want Alec.
Hey, don't cry.
No, no, this is really good.
This is the first time I've been able to cry since I broke up with my boyfriend.
- Alec? - Oh, my God, you know him? No, you you just never mind.
Look, I'm here, so you want to talk about it? So much.
But just talk.
'Cause I never want to be with another man.
Never, ever, ever again! Oh, no.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, hey, peanut.
Listen, I'm really embarrassed, but I don't remember anything about last night, so I need you to answer one very important question.
Did I eat all these candy bars? No, no, no.
That was me.
Oh, thank God.
- We have sex? - No.
I mean nothing actionable.
What does that mean? Look, you were sad and a little drunk, so I drove you home to make sure you were safe.
And then I laid you down on these sheets, and they are so soft.
What is the thread count on these babies? Forget about the sheets.
What did we do on the sheets? Don't worry, we didn't exchange any fluids.
Well, I spilled a little Sprite on you, but mostly we just cuddled.
Which was nice.
It was so nice.
You're nice.
Yeah, anyway, thank you for taking me home last night, but I do have a doctor's appointment at oh, my God! It's almost 10:00.
- So can you - Oh, I got a meeting at 10:00! Oh, boy! Oh.
Hey, do you have any idea where 68 Cedarcliff Road is? Hey! You didn't see this.
You didn't see this.
Expecting someone? Yes, my secret weapon to get Emmet out of jail.
Danny Doyle.
They call him "The Fixer.
" He's gonna bribe the judge in Emmet's case.
- Victoria! - No, I know! But Emmet's arraignment is tomorrow, and I'm desperate.
Wouldn't you do anything you could - to keep your fiancé out of jail? - Of course.
- Does Emmet know about this? - No.
He wants to do things above board.
But did Honor St.
Raven get off death row by going above board? No! No, her lawyers went to a voodoo high priestess.
A woefully miscast Mary Lou Retton.
Didn't she win the Emmy? Oh.
- Victoria Chase? Danny Doyle.
- Hi.
This is Joy Scroggs.
Let me get one thing straight right off the bat.
I operate completely within the bounds of the law.
I'm not wearing a wire.
Good, let's bribe some judges.
Wait, are you really as good as they say you are? Did John Glenn go to jail for murder? - What murder? - I rest my case! Oh, I didn't realize we had a total stranger in the house.
Melanie, this is Danny Doyle.
He came here to help me with Emmet's case.
I am very pleased to meet you.
Why, yes, we should shake hands, since we're meeting for the very first time.
Don't mind her.
She's going through a breakup.
Yes, poor, old, wrinkled Melanie.
Okay, guys, you can stop.
I cried last night and a little bit a few minutes ago.
Well, I'll just go get those non-sequential hundreds that I so awkwardly got from the bank yesterday.
Oh! And I'm late for class.
I'm a student.
College.
Sort of reinventing myself.
Nobody cares.
Good-bye.
I have to see you again, Melanie.
No.
Last night was last night.
Women never say no to me.
- Really? - I date prostitutes.
So if they did, they really wouldn't be doing their job.
You date prostitutes? As a matter of fact, when I saw you at the bar I assumed that You thought I was a prostitute? Well, you were making a meal of those peanuts and drinking other people's wine.
I knew you weren't upper management.
But now I think you're something else entirely.
You're a real lady.
I passed out drunk and woke up with a total stranger.
That's how my mom met my dad.
By the way, they can't wait to meet you.
Yeah not gonna happen.
Good luck with whatever it is you two are doing.
Okay, here's your money.
Go and do your magic.
Change of plans.
I don't want the money.
- I want Melanie.
- What? You have to get her to go out with me.
Oh, well, she's not really dating anyone right now.
She's sort of going through a bad breakup.
Make it happen, or our whole deal's off.
Okay.
I'll go ask her.
You know, I can pretty much guarantee that I could get Joy to go out with you.
Melanie.
Where's Melanie? She went to the doctor's.
Shoot.
Melanie, I need to speak to you, about Danny.
Yes, he is cute.
Good news! It's a date.
Tonight, here, she's gonna cook for you.
- What is she making? - Why? 'Cause some foods make me gassy.
- I'll let her know.
- Okay.
I only give out one "A" per semester, and that goes to the student film that nauseates me the least.
- I have an idea.
- So, nothing cute, and for God's sakes, nothing with animals.
I have no ideas.
No flowers opening slowly, all right? I know what a vagina looks like.
It looks like years of alimony.
I'm out too.
Dr.
Dubin is still in delivery.
Do you want to reschedule or see one of the other doctors? Oh, another doctor is fine.
So just in for your annual checkup? Yes.
Although I did sleep with someone last night, but he said we didn't do anything.
On the other hand, he's kind of sleazy, and he usually sleeps with prostitutes but I really don't think we did anything.
So it might be something to be noted.
Or not.
Actually, don't put any of that down.
Why are you writing? Just notes for the doctor.
Now, let's get your weight.
Do we have to? Because I drank, like, a gallon of wine last night.
Can't you just put down what I was last year? Why are you still writing? Oh, let's see.
Just put that down! The doctor will be right in.
Shoot.
Melanie? So in 1939, German SS officers commandeered your family's home in Krakow.
You must have been terrified.
Yes.
But I was one of the lucky ones.
I said good-bye to the animals on the farm, and fled Poland that very night.
And, cut! That was beautiful, Elka.
My film's got everything those Oscar-winners have craggy-looking old people talking about Nazis.
I'm a shoo-in to get that "A.
" Not so fast.
I want to interview you for my film.
Really? But my story can't possibly be as interesting as yours.
Oh, don't put yourself down, Joy.
That's my job.
Hey, guys, guess what.
I have a date with my gynecologist.
They're called appointments, dear.
We've all been there, Melanie.
So desperate for a man's touch you make an appointment you don't even need.
No, I've never done that.
Nor have I.
No, this is a real date.
Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up, and he needed me to take off my spanx so he could use it as a tourniquet, and I thought, at the time, that's the most embarrassing way possible to meet a guy? Well, same guy, more embarrassing way.
You didn't let him examine you.
No, no, no, no.
And I know I said I wasn't gonna start dating yet, but You know what? Maybe this is just what I need to get over Alec.
You know the old saying.
When God closes a door, he opens a window? No.
The best way to get over a man is to get under another one.
Wait, wait.
Wasn't this the guy who said he'd call you and never did? Yes, but that's because he got back together with his girlfriend.
And then he didn't want to call just to say he wasn't gonna call, but now they've broken up, so we can be two miserable peas in a pod together.
I'm excited! - Oh, there you are, Melanie.
- Guess what.
- I have a date tomorrow night.
- Perfect! So what you need is a practice date tonight.
What? Yes, I can get you a date with Danny Doyle.
Tonight at 8:00? Done and done.
I'm not following.
Yeah, I met him last night at the bar, we spent the night together, we didn't do anything, and now he thinks he's in love with me.
Up to speed.
I can't date him.
He dates prostitutes.
And he spilled Sprite on me.
He's not my type.
Look, I know this is a huge thing, but it's just dinner.
And I'll monitor your drinking so that you don't end up in bed with him again.
Oh, please? He's refusing to help Emmet if you don't give him another chance.
Fine, I'll let him take me to dinner.
Actually, you're cooking.
And I would avoid dairy and legumes.
- Why? - Nothing.
Okay, Danny will be here any minute.
Go put something sexier on.
No, I'm doing this to get Emmet off, not Danny.
And I'm breaking up with him tomorrow after the arraignment, and I'm going out with Aaron tomorrow night.
Absolutely, but at least go put some lipstick on.
Okay.
I'm 90.
I'll get it.
Just tell Danny I'll be down in a sec.
Hi, I'm Dr.
Everett.
Is Melanie home? Oh, boy.
Um, no I mean, no, she's not.
Tell him to come on in and open the wine.
Oh, I guess I was wrong.
Come in, Dr.
Everett.
- Aaron? - Hi! Aaron I uh Aaron, hi.
- Elka, this is Aaron.
- Yes.
I told him you weren't here, but then you opened your big mouth and I was wrong.
You left your wallet at the office, so I thought it might be cute if I returned it, like I did the first time.
Oh.
Aw, that is cute.
I'm sorry, I thought our date was tomorrow night.
Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot! You're right, it is tomorrow night, so I'll just see you tomorrow night.
I heard the doorbell.
Who are you? It's Aaron.
He's here for our date, which is tomorrow night, so he's just leaving.
- I'm happy to stay - What, are we barbarians? No, I insist that you come back on the correct night.
Hello, Melanie.
- These are for you.
- What? - Who's this guy? - I'm her date.
Who's this guy? Uh This is Melanie's gynecologist.
He's here to examine Joy.
Yes! Excellent.
Joy has an urgent gynecological issue that we should really discuss in the kitchen due to its embarrassing nature.
Sure.
That's what's happening.
I'm sorry.
I'll explain everything.
The rubber gloves are under the sink.
What the hell's going on here? Um, well, yeah.
Look, Melanie's just pretending to be on a date so he'll bribe a judge.
Let me start again.
See, that guy's got a crush on her because she got really drunk and spent the night with him, but I'll let you two sort this out.
Look, Aaron If you knew me you'd know that I am not the type of person to get drunk and spend the night with strangers.
I read your chart.
I told her not to write that stuff down! What weight did she put? Never mind.
Okay, then here's an idea we still go out tomorrow night, as planned, and we forget tonight ever happened.
I've already forgotten about it.
I don't even know what the heck just happened in there.
Yeah, I'm making it worse, aren't I? A little bit.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
Goodbye, Aaron.
Goodbye, Melanie.
So, you can imagine with something like that, Joy was simply too embarrassed to go to a gynecologist's office, and Melanie is just really anal about keeping a clean kitchen.
Look, I'm not an idiot.
Oh, that's really a shame in this instance.
She's obviously with that guy, and this whole night was a bunch of B.
S.
to keep me working on your boyfriend's case.
Okay, okay, you're right, and I'm sorry.
Look, you seem like a really good guy, and and I shouldn't have done something so underhanded.
But couldn't we just go back to our original agreement where I give you the money and you bribe the judge? Yeah, well, it turns out Emmet's judge can't be bribed.
It's starting to make me question the American judicial system.
So you came here under false pretenses? You lied to me! Well, you lied to me! And I'm outta here.
Any chance I could get a plate of food to go? Will you just get out of here? So how's Emmet holding up? Mm, he's doing okay.
I have to admit it.
He was right to go the legitimate route and take the plea bargain.
And the good news is he'll be out in less than a year.
At least you'll get to visit him all the time.
Hey, I'm really sorry that I messed things up between you and Dr.
Aaron.
Oh, no, it's okay.
Maybe it is too soon for me to start dating.
That's ridiculous.
You like him and he likes you.
You're already ahead of most of my relationships.
But I've sent him texts and he hasn't responded.
You know, there is a way he'd have to see you again.
Melanie.
You wouldn't answer my texts, so I made an appointment so you'd have to see me.
I got you a present.
A new uterus.
Mm, still has that new uterus smell.
Come on, that was pretty funny.
It was.
I'm really sorry about last night, but I really was just trying to help my friend.
Which means you're a nice person.
Thank you.
And I'd like to get to know the girl that broke my uterus.
- Dinner tonight? - Yeah, I'd love to.
I have one more patient to see.
- You can wait in the waiting room.
- Okay.
Wait, so while I'm waiting, you're gonna get to third base with a naked woman? That's not really how doctors think of it.
- Mm-hmm, is she attractive? - No.
- Would you tell me if she was? - No.
Is this something I have to get used to? Yep! I said good-bye to the animals on the farm, and fled Poland that very night.
That was "Passage to Freedom," by Joy Scroggs.
Don't clap! Only one person did a film worthy of an "A.
" In a clever homage to the Godzilla films of the 1950s, which warned of the horrors of the atomic age, this film maker also used frightening imagery to provoke thought.
I give you Elka Ostrovsky's, "Man Hands.
" Wait, what? I was married to the mob.
I lived through the horrors of war.
But I have never seen anything as terrifying as man hands.
Man hands.
I wanted the "A.
"