Hot In Cleveland s05e16 Episode Script

Auction Heroes

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Okay Elka we have a lot of fundraisers this week for your city council campaign.
So there's the big _ auction here on Saturday night.
And then tomorrow you are speaking at Irish American club.
I have the perfect joke to open with.
What is it? Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland? Why? He couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.
No, you are not telling that joke, what's Irish and stays outside? Paddy O'furniture.
[Cricket chirping] Oh, that stupid cricket.
How come it only chirps when I tell a joke? Something's got to fill the dead air.
I just got a text from J.
J.
I am finally gonna meet my young, hot screenwriter.
He's coming over tomorrow.
Is he really a junior at Cleveland state? Yes, my agent says that doing a student film is a brilliant move.
Now Buzzfeed is calling me hip and edgy.
If your hips were any edgier, they'd cut through your pants.
Oh, thank you.
I need help.
I'm meeting Mitch in an hour, and I can't decide what to wear, and I have to look perfect, because I'm finally gonna tell him how I feel about him.
Of course I know you're all going to say I should just relax and be myself.
[Cricket chirping] Oh, my God, Melanie's cricket's right.
Being myself with men never works.
Maybe I should try being the opposite of me.
Normally on a date, I'd drink alcohol for courage and show as much leg as possible, so tonight, I'm going to not drink at all and wear long pants.
[All gasp] So, Joy, you said you had something important you wanted to tell me? Yes, you see could I just have a sip of your Martini? Oh, I thought you said you weren't drinking tonight.
Oh, just a tiny sip.
Did you want to tell me you have a drinking problem? No.
Mitch, I'm just gonna say it.
I am completely and totally Hold that thought.
Baz, hey.
Sorry, Joy.
This is my old friend baz.
- Baz, this is Joy.
- Hello.
You're early, man.
Just give me one second.
Joy was telling me something.
You were saying you're completely and totally what? Needing to go to the bathroom.
Excuse me.
Hey, I hope it's okay I said you were my old friend.
I just don't want anyone to know that I hired a dating consultant.
I'm terrible with women, although I've been watching a lot of romantic comedies, and I've noticed that making a grand gesture seems to do the trick.
Okay, first of all, you're a man.
You shouldn't be watching romantic comedies.
Let's start simple.
Notice one thing about her and compliment it.
You find one special feature no man has ever mentioned.
I can do that.
Next, ask her a question about herself and then seem fascinated by the answer.
Hmm.
Both: Hmm.
Okay, you see that pretty blonde over there at the bar, the one separated from the herd? Be a cowboy.
Go lasso her.
Okay, let's stop.
Melanie, it's me.
It's a disaster.
Don't worry, honey.
We're all behind you.
- Thanks.
- No, literally.
Turn around.
Thank God you're here.
Well, we thought things might not work out, so we have a brilliant plan.
Dear, you look like a woman of refinement and distinction.
- Thank you, Elka.
- It doesn't suit you.
Here.
Snip, snip.
Would you tell Mitch that I needed to leave? Sure, sure.
But can I just tell you one thing? You have the most beautiful Legs.
Yes, thanks.
Whatever.
Actually, I was gonna say elbows.
Your elbows are exquisite.
Really? I do use a granular scrub.
A granular scrub.
Hmm.
- So, Joy, you married? - No.
But there is someone I'm interested in.
Who, Mitch? Pretty obvious, I suppose, though not to him.
You know, Joy, maybe I can help.
How about you and I go out to dinner? I'll fill you in on everything Mitch likes in a woman.
You would do that for me? I would do anything for those elbows.
[Chuckles] They are rather soft.
It's the granular scrub.
[Laughs] How's tomorrow night? - It's a date.
- I'll see you then.
How'd it go? Well, your tricks worked, but I couldn't stand her.
She's way into astrology, and she talks in this awful baby talk.
She wanted to know what sign I was because apparently her new "wittle" kitten doesn't like "awies.
" Okay, moving on.
Pick another one.
You know, I don't think I want to.
The strangest thing happened.
When I looked over and saw you and Joy laughing, I think I felt jealous.
What, are you saying you want Joy? I think I am.
Here's what you do.
You let me take her out to dinner.
I'll find out everything she wants in a man.
- Hi, Mitch.
- Hi, Elka.
Gonna introduce me to your handsome friend? Elka, this is Baz.
- Baz, Elka.
- Hi.
Has anyone ever told you you have gorgeous earlobes? Actually, no, I hey.
You're good.
Now watch me walk away.
[Doorbell chimes] Hi.
You've obviously got the wrong house.
No one here would ever order a pizza.
I mean, sometimes we get one just to sniff it, but then we immediately squirt it with windex and throw it out.
Why am I telling you this? You probably don't even speak English.
I speak English.
Oh, well, good for you.
Buh-bye.
Look, I'm expecting someone for a very important meeting.
He's a young, hip screenwriter who wrote a brilliant script.
- Brilliant? - Yes, that means molto bene.
Although I'll never tell him.
I need to bend him to my will, mold him like a piece of marble.
You carve marble.
You mold clay.
I know what I'm saying.
After all, which one of us speaks English? I'm not sure.
Maybe we should start again.
I'm J.
J.
, and I hear I've written a brilliant script.
You're J.
J.
? But you're not young and hip.
You're how can I put this nicely? You're old and Cleveland-y.
I was afraid you were going to be a crazy Hollywood actress.
So we were both wrong.
Sure.
I'm guessing this pizza's all for me.
Oh, I'll sniff a slice.
[Sniffs] Ah.
Just one.
Hey, thanks for making the coffee.
No problem.
Something tells me you like having people do things for you.
I do.
You get me.
I'm actually glad that you're not some young college hotshot.
Oh, nothing gets me more depressed than when young people are good at things.
Well, I'm glad you're perfect for the role.
You're a gifted actress and a concert pianist.
Yeah.
Uh, now might be a good time to mention that Hollywood actors are expected to embellish their resumes.
So you don't play the piano? Mm, not excellently, but I am really good at doing brilliant piano hands.
[Laughs] No, no, I need someone who can play.
You see, this character expresses her emotions through music.
Oh, oh, you want emotions? Huh.
Anger.
Sad.
Mischievous.
Yeah, I don't think this is gonna work out.
No, no, no.
Listen.
I love this script, and I love the character you created.
I will do anything to play this part.
Fine, get a piano here today.
I'll start teaching you tonight.
Oh, thank you.
You won't regret it.
Yeah.
Happy.
And I love the way he smells and his generosity.
I can't stand a cheap man.
Oh, and he's not obsessed with sports.
But I'm really hoping to find out what he likes.
Well, Mitch is really into astrology.
- Astrology.
- Mm.
Also this is gonna sound kind of weird.
He loves baby talk.
He finds it sexy.
He really loves it? He "wea-wy woves" it.
[Playing bright music] You're amazing.
I had no idea.
[Sneezes] Bless you.
Thanks.
Victoria, a player piano? Unless J.
J.
's an idiot, he's never gonna fall for that.
Well, you fell for it.
I'm very trusting.
So what's J.
J.
Like? Well, he's actually kind of brilliant in a gruff, diamond-in-the-rough way.
I'm oddly taken with him.
That's why I bought the player piano.
He makes me want to appear to be a better person.
[Doorbell chimes] - Hi, J.
J.
- Victoria, I'm in shock.
I heard you playing walking up the street.
- It sounded beautiful.
- Aw, thanks.
You know, playing the piano's kind of like riding a bike.
Once you learn, you never forget.
Everybody hold still.
The cricket's on the piano.
[Music playing] Also, I don't know how to ride a bike.
So what did Joy tell you? Well, she likes a man to smell like a man, so don't shower for a few days.
Get ripe.
- You sure? - That's what she said.
And she wants a guy that loves sports.
And be frugal.
She admires a penny pincher.
But this is all so different than the way she's seen me act.
So? You tell her you have a work self and a true self.
Now, go get stinky.
Yes, for Joy.
[Playing graceful melody off-key] You're getting there, kid.
Let's do it again.
No, no, no, no, no.
No more practicing.
I know.
Let's go to dinner.
You're hungry? Well, I could sniff some Chinese.
We could swing by your place, so you could change.
I'm sure it was just an oversight, but you're wearing a brown belt and black shoes.
My most comfortable belt with my most comfortable shoes.
All right, well, that's a slippery slope.
I mean, once you start dressing for comfort, before you know it, you'll be eating for pleasure.
I always eat for pleasure.
Well, I haven't done that since the '80s.
I can honestly say I have never met a woman like you.
Thank you.
You know, when you go to Hollywood, you're gonna meet a lot of people like me.
I'd never leave Cleveland.
My memories with my late wife are here.
This movie is my last love letter to her.
That must be why it touched me so when I read it.
You must miss her terribly.
I know I miss my husband.
The worst time for me is waking up.
It's that brief moment just before you're conscious when you forget.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
I reach over for Emmet and and the moment is gone.
Nice to talk about this with someone who knows.
Yeah, it is.
So there hasn't been anyone since No, no, no.
I don't date.
But what if, oh, like, you met this amazing, beautiful woman who was willing to overlook your flaws? You know, once you fixed a few things.
No, I'd be flattered, but I got it right the first time.
Well, she was a very lucky woman to have had you.
Ah.
Oh, dear Lord.
This is great, right? Going out to dinner after work.
Gives us a chance to go from our work selves to our true selves.
Yes, to our true selves.
Hope you don't mind eating at 4:30.
Early bird special.
Also, I brought us our own appetizers.
That's where they get you.
Mushroom cap? Thanks, but I wonder if those might not have taken a turn.
Oh, that's not the mushrooms you're smelling.
That's all me, baby.
I believe a man should smell like a man.
I haven't taken a shower in days.
Also saves on the water bill.
So "fwugal.
" Sounds "wike" somebody is a "sagittawius.
" Oh, you're into astrology.
Yes, I'm a "tauwus.
" Don't show me "wed.
" Hey, about those Browns? Oh, you like the Browns, do you? Are you kidding me? I live and breathe 'em.
I'm even thinking about getting season tickets in the dawg pound.
We could paint our faces and go every Sunday.
[Barks] He smells bad, and I'm making a complete fool of myself.
One of those things I can't believe.
I better get back.
Wait a minute and call my cell.
Pretend it's an emergency, so I have to leave.
Oh, honey, he's gonna see right through that trick.
Joy, there's been an emergency.
I have to leave.
Oh, thanks for coming, J.
J.
Hey, your belt matches your shoes.
It happens every now and then.
[Laughs] I'm excited to bid on Joy's eyebrow shaping.
Oh, well, good.
I was joking.
As was I.
Elka, why did you invite only men? No one's bidding on anything.
Well, I've got a few old things that I think they might like.
Okay, well, I'll get their attention.
[Glass clinks] It's time to say thank you to three special women.
Come on up, girls.
[Applause] Thank you.
We're always ready to do our part - for Elka's campaign.
- Good.
Let's starting the bidding with Melanie.
Bidding? Who would give me 200 for this uninhibited beauty? - Elka, I am not a piece of - $1,000.
And like you said in the email, no taboos, right? What oh, no, there are taboos.
Get off the block.
You're sold.
[Stammers] I have a date.
Mother's gonna have to get herself out of the tub Saturday night.
Next up on Antiques Roadshow, Victoria Chase.
I bid 5,000.
Oh, J.
J.
, that's so sweet.
Anyone here want to bid against me? Put your arm down.
Sold to the man who doesn't know what he's getting into.
Oh, J.
J.
, you didn't have to spend all that.
You could've just asked me out.
It's not a date.
I paid for five hours of your time.
Then what are we gonna do? You're going to practice.
Oh.
But maybe we could have dinner first.
- I'd like that.
- Me too.
- So it is a date? - I guess it is.
Well Now, I've saved the last for last.
Do I hear a quarter? Joy.
Mitch may not appreciate you, but I do.
$2,000.
Going Going Mitch? Joy, that wasn't us last night.
He played us.
He told me to be someone that I'm not, and I'm guessing he told you to be someone you're not too.
She's way out of your league, dude.
4,000.
You wanted her all along.
Because I'm better for her than you.
- 6,000.
- Look, Joy.
I smell really good, and I waste money like crazy.
You do? And I don't talk baby talk, and I hate astrology.
- I've been a blind fool.
- Yes, you have.
You're everything that I want and more.
I am? $10,000, and the date starts right now.
- Where are we going? - Not far.
You weigh a little more than I thought.
I hate the guy, but I kind of wish Baz was here to tell me what to say to you.
Maybe you don't need to say anything.
Okay.
But I do need to kiss you.
Your lips are really soft.
You should feel my elbows.
- What? - Never mind.
Oh, there you are.
I hope you don't mind.
I found something in your shower that I'd like to keep.
Really? - [Cricket chirps] - Oh! - You caught the cricket.
- Yes.
It's a very rare teleogryllus mitratus.
I'm an entomologist.
I have a live female in my lab ready to mate.
The female has no sex organ, so the male must use his sharp, barbed penis to saw through her carapace.
We'll watch it together.