Hot In Cleveland s05e21 Episode Script

Mystery Date: Oscar Edition

Hot in Cleveland is recorded In front of a live studio audience All right, people.
The Academy Awards are three weeks away, and we need to mobilize.
Now first, I need a killer speech One that will make my fellow nominees hate me even more, because I come off so gracious.
Now, luckily, we have a writer in our midst.
- Oh, I wouldn't call myself a writer.
- Neither would I.
That's why I want Elka to do it.
She has more sizzle now that that play she wrote is going to Broadway.
The Broadway theatre in Cleveland, not New York.
And where is your play being performed? Oh, that's right you don't have a play.
Next, Joy and Melanie, I need to decide who will be my plus-one for the Academy Awards.
Oh, I hadn't even thought about who you would take.
Neither had I.
But of course you are gonna need someone to sit in the limo and drink champagne with you on the way to the show.
And afterwards the governor's ball, the Vanity Fair party, et cetera, et cetera.
And if you do choose a woman as your plus-one, - she's gonna need a gown.
- Yes, a gown! She'll need a gown.
Well, I would like to take both of you [both] Oh, my god, we're going to the Oscars! I know, I'm so excited! But I can't.
I can only take one of you.
Oh, well, you know, whomever you choose, I'll be happy.
I feel the same way.
And of course, if there's anything that I can do for you in the meantime, you just ask me.
And of course, I will do anything you need as well too.
And if you do happen to choose Joy, you know, I'm gonna just be so happy for her.
And I'll be so happy for Melanie if you choose her.
- Why are you smiling? - This is gonna be fun.
[upbeat music] 5x21 - Mystery Date Oscar Edition So I've had some thoughts about my speech.
I'd like to open with a joke.
- No.
- What do you mean "no"? You're funny.
You can write a joke.
I'm funny.
- Wait, are you saying that I'm not funny? - It's been said.
- For you.
- A gift? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, thank you.
Van Cleef wait, wait.
You drove all the way to Chicago for this? - Oh, it's not that far for a best friend.
- [gasps] Oh, my god.
Joy, look at this gorgeous necklace Melanie just gave me.
Oh, it's nothing, really.
I mean, yes, I had drive all the way to Chicago for it, - but it's no big deal.
- Chicago, gosh.
I bought Victoria this, but I only drove to New York.
- New York is further away.
- Is it? Time flies when you're buying breakfast caviar for your best friend.
[gasps] Caviar is my favorite.
Your favorite from your favorite.
- You did a very nice thing.
- Now, we both did nice things.
- It's not a competition.
- No, no, it's not.
It's just two equally good best friends doing nice things for Victoria.
- Oh, no.
- What? What is it? You know that Victoria Chase stretch of highway I sponsored? Well, apparently you're supposed to pay to clean it, not just adopt it and leave it to its own devices, as you would a child.
You know, you would make a great adoptive mother, Victoria.
Yes, your heart is as big as your dress size is small.
Damn it! That was a good one.
Oh, I've got 50 hours community service.
- I'll do it for you, Victoria.
- Are you sure? Oh, Joy, you're amazing.
What? What? And I got 50 more hours for not responding to the first violation.
I'll do it for you.
I can't believe you would both do this for me.
I have the best friends.
- Mm.
- We're happy to help.
I mean, how many times is someone nominated for an Oscar? Many times, probably, if that someone is Victoria Chase.
[laughs] Wait, I can top that.
UmUm Hit the showers, Joy.
That round went to Melanie.
[groans] I just got off the phone with the community service people.
I have to spend 50 hours cleaning port-a-potties in the park.
And this week is Cleveland's Chili Fest.
You should trade jobs with Joy.
- She won't wanna clean toilets.
- Sell her on the park.
I got the worst community service ever.
They've got me working in the hospital morgue.
Why not trade jobs with Melanie? I could never convince her to work in the morgue.
Sell her on the hospital.
Hi, Joy.
So did you get your community service? I did.
I'm working in a hospital.
- Really? Working with patients? - Mostly former patients.
How about you? Oh, I'm working in the park.
You know, just tidying up.
Oh, lucky you.
I'll be stuck with all these doctors flirting with me - all day, and they'll all be so young.
- Oh, yeah.
You know, knowing my luck, I'll probably be invited to play frisbee with a bunch of college boys and totally embarrass myself.
You know, I wouldn't mind being outdoors.
- Rather like getting my hands dirty.
- And I don't mind a hospital.
Maybe we should switch.
I could see that working.
- Hello, Melanie.
I hate you! - I hate you more.
- You're going down, Moretti.
- Ha! Over my dead body.
[whispering] No offense.
I hope Joy and Melanie are having as good a time as we are.
[laughs] One's in a toilet, and one's in a morgue.
- More caviar? - Oh, please.
So how is my speech coming along? - I'm working on it right now.
- You're just drinking wine.
Oh, it just looks that way.
I'm actually writing.
Time for a rewrite.
Rayner, thanks again for coming to my home for this procedure.
Since this facial filler is so new, I'm just a little nervous about injecting myself this close to the Oscars.
I understand.
So what parts of your face are we targeting? Oh, let me show you on my guinea pig.
Now, she doesn't have my naturally high cheekbones, and I don't have the drooping here or the sagging here.
Well, I could plump here, add some filler above the cheekbones here and maybe here, - and then pull - You know what? - Surprise me.
Just go nuts.
- Go nuts? And do something about those lines when she's scared.
How long do I have to keep this on? You heard what he said, until it sets.
You look great already.
I'll tell you what I look like.
I look like the one friend who would have done this for you.
I don't know who else would.
Victoria, guess what I did for you.
- How could you? - How could you?! Now, now, no fighting.
You both just did something wonderful and important.
Give each other a hug.
This is a great draft, but I have a couple of questions.
Who is this Tony you have me thanking? - Your third child.
- Oh.
Good catch.
You know, those injections that doctor gave to Joy and Melanie really turned out nicely.
I'm gonna have it done myself.
Hello, this is Victoria Chase.
[screams] Oh, my god! I look like a freak! I I'll call you back.
That bloody cheek injection migrated.
It gave me an Adam's apple.
I look like a man! On the bright side, it goes with the hands and the chest.
Well, Joy, the doctor warned us that something like this could happen.
- He never said this would happen! - Oh.
Maybe he said that only to me.
I disfigured myself for you, Victoria.
This had better count for something.
Oh, absolutely.
No, you definitely are way ahead of Melanie right now.
Wait, wait, why? I got the same treatment.
- I have an Adam's apple! - And how is that a plus? What will people think when on the red carpet your date looks like John Stamos in drag? That was a compliment, Joy.
Melanie, I'm sorry, but Joy made a real sacrifice for me.
Well, I can do that too.
Just give me a task.
[doorbell rings] I'll get that for you.
It's for you.
[door closes] - What is it? - Oh, no.
It's from the Ladypants people.
"Dear international face of incontinence "say 'hi' to enclosed absorbent gown that you are legally obligated to wear to the Oscar Academies.
" This can't be happening.
I thought your lawyers were gonna make that go away, - so you could wear the Dior gown.
- So did I.
"Despite best good efforts from your legal team, our contract, like our garment, is watertight.
Here is your Mrs.
Ladypants gown, now with litter crystal technology.
" Oh, god.
[loud crinkling] It's not so bad.
With your figure, you can make anything look beautiful.
- And you look amazing in white.
- You look like an angel.
Wearing a diaper.
Oh, I'm ruined.
Wait, there's a P.
"Do not spoil surprise of gown.
"If it is seen in press before Oscar academies, we will not allow you to wear it.
" This is fantastic.
I mean, all I have to do is get someone photographed in public wearing this monstrosity.
Well, you're smart, Victoria.
You'll think of someone.
Melanie Moretti.
Ask Melanie at WJVB.
I'm so happy to be here at the Cleveland Radio Awards.
Who am I wearing? Mrs.
Yes, that's what I said.
Man: Oh, my god, the water main just blew! We need something to suck up this water.
I have something.
Hey, here's the hero.
Yes, I used the Ladypants dress to plug the giant leak.
The force of the water tore the dress right off my body.
Remember when you said, because it had a built-in pant, that I didn't need to wear underwear? I really wish I had.
Well, at least millions of people saw it on youtube.
Somebody posted it on youtube?! - Well, I had to, and it worked.
- Oh.
And the Ladypants lawyers said that I no longer get - to wear that gown.
- So what I hear you saying is that I made the biggest sacrifice for you.
You? I have an Adam's apple.
- I touched dead bodies.
- I cleaned port-a-potties.
- Chicago.
- New York! - Van Cleef! - Petrossian! Oh! Stop it, both of you.
I have less than two hours to choose my plus-one for the Academy Awards, and all you're doing is stressing me out.
I'm going to the spa.
I'm gonna sit in the sauna and gonna clear my head.
That's a great idea, Victoria, just you and your thoughts.
Your amazing thoughts! Yes, take all the time you need, my dear, dear friend! I think I may just go for a walk.
And I may go check the mail.
- Victoria, wait for me! - Wait for me! It was nice of Joy to volunteer to park my car.
It really was.
You bring out the best in even the worst people.
Why don't you just go relax in the sauna, - and I'll sign in for all three of us? - Oh, that's sweet of you.
- Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my god.
Was that Victoria Chase? - Yes, it was.
And she desperately needs your help.
See, there's this crazy transvestite stalker following her.
And if he shows up here, it is imperative that you call security.
You can't miss him.
Crazy short shorts and a huge Adam's apple.
I wonder what's keeping Joy.
Oh, she probably got a text from Mitch.
You know, whenever he calls or texts, she just drops everything.
- Hm.
- Imagine if he texted her at the Oscars.
You'd be all alone on the red carpet.
No one to yell, "oh, my god, "Victoria Chase and Jennifer Lawrence look just like sisters!" Well, somebody else will probably say it.
I am not a transvestite! Or a stalker! - I am a woman! - With that Adam's apple? Look, buddy, security's on its way.
So if you don't wanna get arrested, I suggest you leave.
Also here's my number.
[grunts] All right, I'm gonna call the Oscar people right now and tell them you're my plus-one.
- Not so fast.
- How did you get in? I had to prove to the receptionist that I'm a woman.
- You took off your top? - That didn't work.
I hate to burden you with this, but as your best friend, I need to tell you that your friend Melanie is mean and deceitful.
First of all, I'm Victoria's best friend.
And if anyone's being deceitful, it's Joy.
Ladies, ladies, I can't fault you for fighting over me, but you have to remember that you're both my best friends.
No, but you have to have a best best friend.
And isn't that the person that's always been there for you? Oh, you mean like how I poisoned Susan Lucci for her? I seduced a cannibal for her.
Oh, please! I seduced countless men for Victoria.
In fact, I'm so devoted, I married Victoria.
You also divorced her.
As I recall, it was a mean and contentious divorce.
It was not! How dare you insult our beautiful union? Oh, please.
I mean, I can't even count how many times I have humiliated myself, broken the law and my own standards of decency just to do things for Victoria.
Well, take your number and double it.
And remember, my standards are lower than yours.
Wait a minute.
You and I have risked our personal relationships, lives, and self-worth for Victoria.
And now we're fighting against each other for Victoria? We should be banding together against her.
Ooh, I do not like the way this is going.
Neither do we.
Come on, Joy.
Let's go.
Good-bye, Victoria.
[text alert beeps] Oh, my god.
I just got invited to the Elton John Oscar party.
Plus one.
Oh, please take me! I'm his biggest fan! No, take me.
I'm your biggest fan.
[gasps] No, but you just said I was just trying to draw Melanie out, so she'd reveal her true feelings about you.
- That's what I was doing! - Liar! You're the liar! If you take her to that party, she's gonna embarrass you by asking Elton if she looks - like Kate Beckinsale.
- I do look like Kate Beckinsale! Right now you look like Nate Beckinsale.
You take that back.
Make me, dude.
[overlapping shouting] I owe you both an apology.
I should never have had you compete for that Oscar ticket.
And so I decided that the fairest thing to do is to put both your names in a hat and just choose my plus-one blindly.
But first I want to read to you my Oscar acceptance speech that Elka wrote.
As written, please.
Let the words do the work.
- Writers.
[chuckles] - Actors.
"Thank you for this incredible honor.
Thank you to the Academy, to our brilliant producers Todd Milliner, Josh and Joel Mandel " No, no.
This is not what I want to say.
I need to speak from the heart.
Here's the speech that I'd really rather give.
I want to thank my two best friends.
Yes, two.
For 30 years, we have had each other's backs.
we have shared each other's triumphs and heartbreaks, made the hard times good times and the good times great times.
Melanie Moretti and Joy Scroggs, I share this award with you as I share my life with you.
- Oh, Victoria.
That is so - Lovely and kind.
And we feel the exact same way about you.
Oh, guys, I'm so sorry.
[sobbing] - Why did we ever fight about this? - I know.
What were we thinking? We would never ask you to choose between the two of us.
[sighs] So why don't you take Elka to the Oscars? Me? Go to the Oscars? - It's always been a dream.
- Well, then it's settled.
Elka, you are my plus-one.
Come on, Melanie.
Help me open a celebratory bottle of wine.
We'll toast to Elka.
Hey, do we still have that great bottle of Bordeaux I bought? Oh, sorry, I finished it up for breakfast.
That was a $1,000 bottle of wine.
It really brought out the subtle flavors of my eggo.
Your plan worked perfectly.
They totally fell for the fake speech.
- I told you they would.
- Oh.
And I didn't have the heart to choose between them.
And I meant every word I said.
But you're not gonna give that speech, are you? Well, why not? No one wants to hear about your non-celebrity friends.
I know them, and I don't care.
Elka, can you believe you're going to the Academy Awards? [doorbell rings] - What are you gonna wear? - Oh.
It's all so sudden.
I hadn't given it a thought.
Wow, Victoria.
Is that your Oscar gown? - Looks a little short for Victoria.
- Maybe I'll wear that.