Hot In Cleveland s06e02 Episode Script

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Hot in Cleveland is recorded In front of a live studio audience.
And our newest cocktail, the Victoria Chase, A martini with flecks of Oscar Gold, Named after one of our most famous customers.
What do you mean "one of"? You're all celebrities.
Melanie has her radio show, Elka's on city council, And Joy's our best customer.
Honestly, without your bar tab, This place would have been a Joanne’s fabrics.
So glad I could help.
Hey, you should name a drink after Joy.
That's not a bad idea.
What would that be? Something flat That goes down easy.
So Stormi's named a drink after you, Victoria.
How cool is that? Well, for Cleveland, very cool.
And that is why I can't wait to start my new show in L.
so you got the part? Well, I mean, I still have to meet with the creator, But, you know, that's just a formality.
I mean, I'm an Oscar winner.
I can't believe you get to work with Zed Simms.
I know.
I mean, he's created some of the most critically acclaimed And confusing HBO series of our time.
I can't wait to tell him how to fix my character.
What's wrong with your character? Well, I don't know.
I haven't read the script yet.
Melanie, you should come to L.
With us.
The production's putting Victoria up In a fabulous Malibu beach house.
There's plenty of extra room.
Even councilwoman Ostrovsky's coming.
On the city's dime, I might add.
I'm going to bring film jobs to Cleveland.
Or relax trying.
You know, I'm looking forward to going to L.
Oh, me too.
I miss it.
You know, you guys always say that Because you forget how bad it is there And all the reasons we moved here in the first place.
It's 75 degrees there.
I didn't say I wasn't coming.
Oh, wonderful! I present The Joy scrogs, A whole bottle of wine in one glass.
Oh, my god.
That is borderline insulting.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I said borderline.
Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba Hey! Victoria, this beach house is amazing.
I know.
It's so good to feel the sun on my sunblock.
How do you spell Spielberg? You actually had a meeting with Steven Spielberg? Well, we had drinks.
At least that's what my expense report says.
Then he came onto me.
That's what my diary says.
Okay, I hate to admit it, But I may be falling in love with L.
Remember those Louboutins that I was trying to find in Cleveland, But they said they didn't exist? Well, they do exist.
And now they're on my feet.
And they are killing me.
Wait till you hear about this new L.
Exercise fad.
I went to a class this morning Where you hang upside down like bats.
That makes sense.
Have you ever seen a fat bat? And Elka got a workout this morning too.
She ran down the beach after Jeff Bridges.
Actually, it was a homeless man.
But he seemed very interested in filming in Cleveland.
Well, if you'll excuse me, I should go and get ready for my meeting with Zed, My genius TV show creator.
I'll drive you.
I just need ten minutes to sell him on Cleveland.
Absolutely not.
Oh, look at those beautiful dolphins.
Wait, why is one of them coming out of the sea? That's no dolphin.
That's Zed.
The camera rises out of the ocean And flies the viewers right into the sun-drenched action.
Perfect opening shot.
Bam, I've done it again.
Victoria Chase, Zed Simms.
Zed, I thought we were meeting in your office.
I wanted to catch you by surprise.
That's how I want all my artists, Out of their comfort zones.
You're gonna have to forget everything You think you know about acting.
That won't take long.
Zed, these are my friends.
Stay, stay here.
This is about us.
And boom, we're done.
Remember, when you make yourself comfortable, You make yourself dead.
Enjoy the house.
Oh, he's so dynamic and multitalented.
Oh, look at him, Swimming with one arm and texting with the other.
That must be him.
Oh, no, it's my agent.
Oh, Zed said he enjoyed meeting me.
Well, of course he did.
But the answer is no.
No? I-i didn't get the part.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Well, I must have done something wrong.
I shouldn't have tried to introduce you guys.
I've got to figure out some way to see him again, So I can change his mind.
Maybe I just made a bad first impression.
It happened when I met you.
Yes, but then you got to know me.
Don't go down that road, Victoria.
Joy, are you sure Zed is dining here tonight? I don't' see him anywhere.
I knew he'd go to the hottest restaurant in town.
I hacked into the reservation system.
He's dining here alone at 8:00.
I am still amazed that you can do that.
You are an incredible detective.
I am, aren't I? She still hasn't solved the case of the missing boobs.
Welcome to chemistry, ms.
Nitrogen caviar beads on a bed of deconstructed hummus Wrapped in a lemongrass waffle cone.
Thank you.
Oh, I can't eat all of this.
I'm too nervous about Zed.
I'm just gonna have to find him And convince him that I am right for this part.
Have you read the script yet? Melanie, this is Hollywood, not reading town.
I'm sorry, I almost forgot the creme fraiche vapor.
Oh, no, thank you.
Come on, Victoria.
You have to eat something.
It's Gregory Pellegrino.
He's the most famous private eye in L.
You know, this might be a sign.
Maybe I'm wasting my talents in Cleveland.
I should go talk to him.
Well, wait, no, if you go work for him, That means you'd have to move back to L.
Oh, do it,Joy.
Follow my dream.
It's Mario Lopez, and he's coming over.
Mario, darling.
Victoria Chase.
So good to see you.
You look gorgeous, as always.
And, by the way, congratulations on your Oscar.
So deserved.
I know.
Do you think that I can get you on my show extra While you're in town? I have a better idea.
Why don't you do your show in Cleveland? Cleveland? Walk with me, dimples.
Where is Zed, and why doesn't he want me? I'm an Oscar winner.
No doors in Hollywood are closed to me.
Did I just hear the sound Of a hand touching velvet rope? Oh, my god.
There's a VIP room.
And Zed must be in it.
Victoria, before you do anything foolish Okay.
Excuse me.
There's been a mistake.
I was accidentally seated with my friends.
VIPs only.
Do you know who I am? Yes, you're Victoria Chase, winner of just one Oscar.
Look, Zed Sims is up there, and he's expecting me.
But he said he didn't want to be disturbed.
Oh, but did he say he didn't want to be disturbed By Victoria Chase? Yes, specifically.
Good evening, Mr.
Joy Scroggs.
I'm a detective in Cleveland, But I think you could use my skills here.
Okay, what do you got? You see that guy at the end of the bar? The one whose hair color suggests he went gray years ago? He's about to make a move on the blonde two bar stools down, The tell being the mint strip he just popped in his mouth.
Which isn't a mint strip at all but is, in fact, Viagra.
You just described every man in here.
What else do you do? I can hack into any computer, get past any security system.
That's very impressive, But the bread and butter of any detective agency Is catching cheaters.
Oh, well, my specialty is being a honey trap.
These legs have lured a lot of men Out of a lot of alimony.
Aren't you a little, uh How can I put this? Well-traveled? I am from England, so yes.
I didn't get the part, And now I can't get into the VIP room.
How do you stand being ordinary, Melanie? Well, I don't think of myself as ordinary.
Well, of course you don't.
I'm talking about how the world perceives you.
Can you believe that guy thinks I'm too old To seduce married men in L.
? I know! I'm speechless too.
I should go prove him wrong.
Yeah, that's it.
That is the thing about L.
, isn't it? Great weather, shopping, treatments.
But at the end of the day, Only the guys in Cleveland find us hot.
From the gentleman over there.
Scram! So that's my pitch for Cleveland.
Thanks for your time.
Good pitch.
Oh, you're welcome.
Oh, uh, Elka, You left an envelope of cash here on the bar.
I think that's yours.
You didn't see that.
All right, I'll see you guys up there.
I saw you across the room, and I saw that smile.
And I thought, "wouldn't it be nice if that smile were for me?" Well, that's very sweet.
But unless things have changed in L.
, Guys your age don't buy drinks for women like me.
Mm, you doing that thing that beautiful women do Where they claim they don't know they're beautiful? Yeah, I guess I am.
Oh, can I get you another drink? I would love one, yeah.
Now I'm gonna do that thing that beautiful women do When they put on their reading glasses To look at the drink list.
I understand this is L.
, And I may not be the young, dumb honey trap you're used to.
But I do know how to grab a man's attention.
- Lady, I'm really - I said observe.
Oh, I'm so thirsty.
So thirsty.
What does a girl have to do to get a drink around here? I don't know.
Ask the bartender.
Oh, you.
I'm so thirs Not interested.
I am so glad you came here tonight.
Me too.
I'd really like to kiss you.
Well, that's very flattering, But you are so much younger than I am, Though you have restored my faith in L.
Come on, just one kiss? Real quick? Real quick? I'll give you $20.
What? All right, look, I'm on a scavenger hunt For a bachelor party, and I have till 9:00 To get a selfie of me kissing a hog.
A hog? Hot older girl.
- Oh.
- That's you.
Oh, so you've just been scamming me this whole time.
Well, thank you for reminding me why I left L.
All right, I'll get back to the scavenger hunt.
Hey, you don't happen to have a garter belt in your purse? How about a Louboutin foot in your ass? Ms.
Chase? Uh, I was just looking for my contact lens.
It fell up.
Oh, fine, just take me back to my table.
How'd it go with Pellegrino? Mm, terrible.
I was trying to show off my honey trap skills, But everyone rejected me.
Then he leaves, and out of the blue, This hot young guy comes over and kisses me.
He was so proud of it, he wanted to take a selfie.
Did he? Your entree, sir.
that's not salmon mist.
I know.
It's my perfume.
Victoria, what the hell are you doing here? I had to talk to you.
Now, I am right for this part, And I can prove it to you.
How? Well, I hadn't thought that far.
I spent all my energy shoving that waitress into the closet.
I just know I can do it.
No, you're still wrong for it.
Oh, but why? When I saw you in that bright, unforgiving beach sun, I realized that you had no chemistry With your young, vibrant costar, Malibu.
What are you saying? Don't make me tell my agent to tell your agent What I'm saying.
Do you mean that I am not hot enough for Malibu? Your words, my feelings.
She may not be hot enough for L.
, But she's hot enough for Cleveland.
Elka, how did you get here? I'm 92.
I do what I want.
Cleveland? The show's set in Malibu.
Oh, fine.
Stay in your comfort zone.
That's the safe thing to do.
What are you saying, egg chair woman? Zed Simms has no comfort zone.
Prove it.
Shoot your show in a real city.
Wait, I'm seeing it.
Yes, ah.
The camera rises out of the great lake Erie? Sure.
In Malibu, you're not glamorous.
Life has slapped you around, And you have a lot of bad angles.
But in a place that's gritty and dark and damp, Oh, my god.
In Cleveland, you're beautiful.
So I got the part? Yes, yes.
I have to go.
I have to totally rewrite the role.
Oh, wonderful.
I already have notes.
Which I'm already ignoring.
We did it, Victoria.
We did, didn't we? Oh, crap.
I'm going back to Cleveland.
Can we get out of here? What, are you kidding? I am the star of a new HBO series In the VIP room of the hottest restaurant in L.
Oh, and look.
Oh, they have a little window in the floor Where you can look down on the nobodies.
And there's Joy and Melanie.
Oh, nothing could get me out of this place.
Earthquake! We need to evacuate the premises.
Hot women and child stars first.
Oh, I hate L.
Let's go home.
A round of Elka Ostrovskys for you ladies.
Hey, I thought those were Victoria Chases.
They were, but we renamed them in honor of the councilwoman.
Thanks for bringing jobs to Cleveland.
I had to.
I spent so much money.
They're from those guys over there.
Well, now that is more like it.
Strong drinks from good-looking men.
it's good to be home.
Oh, it is.
It's so comforting to know that, if hired to, I could ruin any marriage in here.
Makes me shallow.
When I was there, I was jealous of everyone else's success.
But here, everyone's jealous of me.
You know what L.
is? L.
is the sexy bad boyfriend.
You keep going back to him, thinking he's gonna change, But he's never going to.
Cleveland, he's our loving husband.
You know, I've already been with Cleveland Longer than any husband I've ever had.
He may not be glamorous, but he's always there at the end of the day.
And like a good husband, Cleveland always thinks We're just a little bit better than we are.
Buzz off ladies, I was here first.