Hot In Cleveland s06e18 Episode Script

Cleveland Calendar Girls

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Why am I getting my picture taken? Well, it seems I've become a bit of a local celebrity.
We're getting an engagement portrait.
My driver's license expired.
I'm doing a nude calendar for charity.
What do you mean, you're doing a nude calendar for charity? First, we thought of a bake sale.
Good idea.
Do that.
And then, we started doing Jell-O shots.
When I saw the jiggle in my glass, I came up with the idea.
But can't you just cancel? You're the only ones who know about it.
Turn to page three.
The mayor has agreed to do a nude calendar to raise money for the Cleveland animal shelter.
It's in the papers? I drunk-dialed that in.
Guess who just got asked for their celebrity photo, and it's not Victoria.
Is it you, Melanie? Yes! Because of my radio show, the dry cleaners asked for my photo.
Ah, the first time the dry cleaner asks for your head shot— I remember it well.
I was between David Hasselhoff and Henry Winkler, and ironically, a year later, I was between them again.
Oh, my God.
What's wrong? Oh, that stupid Ohio DMV! I went in to renew my license, and they sent it back to me with someone else's picture.
Look at that ugly, old woman.
Victoria, honey, that's you.
What? I told them I required the celebrity Photoshop package, you know, like they have at the Beverly Hills DMV.
When I gave that greeter outside $100, he said he'd take care of it.
They don't have a greeter at the DMV.
That's what the sign said on his shopping cart.
Bob and I found a fantastic photographer for our engagement photo.
He could take your picture.
Oh, that'd be great.
Now, and then I could take my own professionally done head shot to the DMV.
And he could take shots for our thing.
What thing? We're posing nude for the animals.
Well, as long as people don't have to see it.
Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba Hey! Stop making comedy faces.
This is our engagement photo.
Can't you just smile and think about how happy you are? I'm sorry, Joy.
It's just, when I think about how I really feel, you know— about a guy like me getting to marry a girl like you, well, I just— I can't believe how— how lucky I am.
I need a minute.
Aw, that's so sweet.
It is.
I know it's surprising— his sensitive side, seeing how tough and macho he is on the outside.
We're talking about Bob, right? Of course.
I'll go check on him.
While we're waiting, do you want to start on yours, Melanie? Oh, yeah, sure.
It's a little chilly in here.
I'm just gonna put this shawl around me while you set up.
- Okay.
- You know, it's weird.
I haven't had a studio portrait taken without my husband or my kids.
But I'm single now, and that's okay.
It just feels like there should be something here next to me.
Well, hi, you.
What a sweet little kitty you are.
What is your name? Barney, well, that's a handsome name for such a handsome fellow.
Oh, God, Joy, without you, that could be me— sad, alone, talking to cats.
I am not sad and alone.
Can we get a smile, Melanie? No, I don't think we can.
To Cleveland's calendar girls.
You know, I'm gonna pose with nothing but a python like Britney Spears.
All I need are a couple puppies to cover my puppies.
I'm gonna balance a champagne glass on my butt like Kim Kardashian.
I tried it at home.
There's even room for the ice bucket.
I'm thinking of posing behind clothes.
But then you won't be naked.
I guess I'm a little nervous about being in the buff.
Pardon my language.
But you have a gorgeous body.
How do you know? I've never even seen myself naked.
I take out my contacts before I undress.
I saw you when you went through airport security.
It was a nice outline.
What if Reverend Bower sees it? Ooh, Reverend Bower? Somebody's hot for preacher.
We're just friends.
I wouldn't want him to think less of me by seeing more of me.
It's gonna be fine.
Have another beer.
What we need is to order some pizzas.
Elka, we've got to watch our figures, honey.
We've got a photo shoot coming.
I'll just wear bigger puppies.
You're a good friend, volunteering to keep me company at the DMV.
I didn't volunteer.
You said we were going for frozen yogurt.
Oh, my goodness, Victoria Chase! - I'm such a fan! - Oh, thank you.
You are not gonna believe this, but my nitwit assistant here lost my driver's license.
What? Oh, no problem.
We have your photo on file.
It would be my honor to reissue one immediately.
Yeah, I need to replace that photo with this one.
Oh, that's a beautiful photo.
So pretty.
I know.
So can you use it? Sorry, no can do.
Why not? The best we can do is take your photo again, but we have to use our camera.
- It's the law.
- Seriously? I have to have my photo taken with that piece of— Okay, I-I think what my boss is trying to say is that it would be difficult to take a nice photo of her with your equipment.
Mm-hmm, perhaps if you hadn't lost her license, she wouldn't be in this predicament.
She's my mother's friend.
I had to hire her.
I'm sorry, Miss Chase.
I want to help you out, but it's important that everyone look like themselves.
This isn't what I look like.
This is what I look like.
I'm sorry, no can do.
All right, I will be back.
Hey, do you think you could get Miss Chase to autograph this for me? I'm sorry, no can do.
It's assistants like you that give stars like Victoria Chase a bad name.
Okay, no more crying.
Don't worry.
I've got this.
Ah, my grandmother's ring on my beautiful fiancée's hand.
Here I go again.
Oh, what's this on my dress? Oh.
Nose tears? I've got to go clean this off.
Pull yourself together.
I cannot wait to marry that woman.
Yeah, I can see that.
You two planning on having kids? No, no.
I mean, I've always dreamed of having kids of my own, but when you get married this late in life, it's not really in the cards, though I'd never say anything to Joy about it.
I wouldn't want her to think she was disappointing me in any way.
So Bob wants kids? He says he wants his own kids.
Have you discussed having children? I didn't think we had to discuss it.
Now I'm worried I'm being unfair.
Bob's a man.
He could still have kids with someone younger.
And less dried out.
Is this absolutely necessary? My photo shoot's tomorrow, and I need to practice being comfortable.
It's disturbing.
It is a little awkward.
Not for me.
Now, I'm an actress.
I've been trained to convey that the human body is beautiful no matter what I'm actually feeling.
So what are you gonna do? The mature, responsible thing— pretend I never heard him.
Having kids is a big issue.
Ultimately, it's what broke up me and Alec.
I know, and I don't want to go back to being sad, single, and alone.
No offense, Melanie.
I may be single, but I'm not sad.
It's so easy for us to get dates, we've become reliant on guys for our happiness, which is why I am having a date with myself tomorrow night at that new restaurant I've been dying to try.
And now I'm using my acting training to pretend that Melanie's plan isn't sad.
You know what is sad besides Melanie? I am not sad.
Mamie Sue thinks her body isn't good enough to be in the calendar.
Well, maybe she's just shy, and maybe you should be shy too.
Hey, we're not gonna look this hot forever.
Oh, Victoria Chase, are you back to take your picture? Yes, I am, and I'm going to use your equipment as required by law.
Wonderful, just step over there.
Okay, are you ready? Ready.
Oh, wow, that was amazing.
So did you get the shot? Oh, whoopsie.
Whoopsie? I got it.
What kind of music should we listen to for the photo session? Well, it's hard to keep your clothes on when you're listening to Sinatra.
True story.
I'm still feeling nervous about this.
Why? What's the worst that can happen? Well, hello, Mamie Sue, ladies.
Hello, Reverend Bower.
It might look like we were talking about something, but we weren't.
Okay, I hope to see you in the front pew in church again this Sunday.
Oh, you will.
What's your sermon going to be about? Society's declining values.
Ladies, Mamie Sue.
I hardly know these women.
She's hot for preacher.
You said that already.
I'm a nude model.
I don't have to be smart.
Well, I'm not going to be a nude model.
Because of Reverend Bower? It's not just him.
Who wants to see me like that anyway? Maybe 40 years ago.
But why should we think we're only beautiful up to a certain age? Girl, my varicose veins look like a fault map.
And my muffin tops have muffin tops.
And my ass looks like a bag of socks.
But are we gonna let all that get in the way of our getting naked in front of the world? Oh, hell, yeah.
I'm with them.
I'm out too.
Oh, come on, girls, what can I do to change your mind? Turn the calendar back to 1965.
Wow, these tables are so close.
But don't worry.
I won't be eavesdropping.
Why would I? I have a book.
Can I get you a drink, or should we wait for your date? Uh, yes, you can get me a glass of Merlot, and my date is already here.
And what can I get for you? I know that there's nobody sitting there.
I'm not crazy.
I am just a lady on a date with herself, celebrating being alone.
Oh, God, is that cat hair? Okay, don't look at me like that.
I'm sure there are plenty of people that come here and dine by themselves.
Not really.
Uh, we were voted Cleveland's most romantic restaurant.
Oh, well, then it's the perfect atmosphere for me to read my World War II love story.
Just bring me the chateaubriand.
It's for two.
We'll see about that.
Oh, my God, Melanie Moretti from the radio show.
Yes, yes, that's me.
I saw your picture at the dry cleaner.
I'm so sorry to bother you.
No, no, no, it's no bother at all.
What would you like to talk about? Is there anything you'd like to talk about? Please sit down.
I just wanted to say thank you, because you said on your radio show, "Fear of being alone is no reason to stay in a bad relationship," so I dumped my terrible boyfriend, and now I just go out by myself if I want to.
And it's fun, right? So fun.
I mean, the first time I did it, I was so self-conscious, I ate a whole bread basket.
Oh, I just ordered Oh.
But this is nice too.
Ah, so nice.
Want to go someplace and pick up guys? - Oh, God, yes.
- Okay.
Joy, I was up all night practicing.
How's this? Oh, Bob, that's a beautiful smile.
- You look so handsome.
- Thanks.
I was looking in the mirror, thinking about what I love most about you, and I saw this smile, and I thought, "That looks good.
That looks damn good.
" You know, you're a lucky woman, Joy.
- I am.
- Mmm.
So what do you love most about me? I love that we're a team.
We may disagree about the little things, but we agree on the big things, and that's what matters most.
Yes, it's important to agree on the big things and be open and honest with each other about the big things.
All right, you two lovebirds, smile.
Bob, what if there were one big thing that, if revealed, could potentially destroy us? Would you still love me? I guess, although I feel my smile starting to fade a little.
Oh, it's nothing we should talk about now or ever, really.
How big, Joy? How big is the big thing? It's big.
Joy, I think I need to know what the big thing is.
All right.
I heard you talking about how you'd always dreamed of having kids, and I felt terrible.
You should be marrying someone you can have children with.
Joy, you're the woman I want to marry.
If you don't want to have kids, that's fine.
But I do.
I would love to.
I'm just too not young enough.
But what difference does age make? We can adopt.
But I thought you wanted your own child.
If we adopt a child, it will be my own—our own.
Oh, Bob.
I would love to adopt a child with you.
And I with you.
Do you guys want to, like, reschedule or— No, no, no, no, no, take the photo.
I want to capture exactly how we're feeling right now, in this moment.
How's this? Same time tomorrow? Do you want me to turn up the heat? No, keep it down for perkiness.
So, uh, you're the only model for this calendar? Nope, Miss December is in the house, child.
I thought about what you said about women our age being invisible, and I don't want to be invisible.
Neither do I.
I got a full-body wax.
I'm hairless from my eyebrows to my ankles.
Helen, what changed your mind? Your inspiring words and two vodkas.
Poor Mamie Sue.
She'll never know how freeing this is.
Yes, she will.
Mamie Sue! You were right, Elka.
We ought to be doing this.
A girl should feel she's beautiful her whole life, not just the years she's actually beautiful.
Get over here.
- Let's make a calendar.
- I'm ready.
I forgot my wallet.
But I don't need it.
How'd it go at the adoption agency? Looks good, but it's gonna be a process.
Oh, I'm all for you two adopting, and FYI, with your light skin, a darker baby would really pop.
We should open some champagne.
To celebrate the baby? That and the blessed arrival of my new driver's license.
Take a look, ladies.
Oh, honey, that's a terrible picture.
Yeah, I know, but look at the birth date.
So they made a mistake.
Uh-uh, according to the great state of Ohio, I'm 35, and we're all gonna go with that.
The calendars are out, girls.
Oh, look at Miss September.
She's 98? Oh, and look at that cute, wrinkly Shar-Pei she's holding in her lap.
She didn't pose with a dog.
Is this unbelievable or what? Well, this has been great for my marriage.
My husband is looking at me differently.
He's looking at me.
I heard the senior center alone bought 50 copies.
We've caused two heart attacks already! Mamie Sue.
Reverend Bower, I can't believe you're here.
I am so proud that you have taken what God gave you and put it toward a good cause.
Really? Thank you.
And even though it's April, my calendar still shows January.
That's my month.
You know, Mamie, there's a raffle night coming up at the church— And you'd like me to pose nude for the poster? Sure! Actually, I was just hoping you'd be my date.
I would love that.
So apparently, men don't seem to mind when you take your clothes off.
Who knew?