Hot In Cleveland s06e22 Episode Script

Hot Damn!

You three don't look like you come from Cleveland.
Uh, actually, we're from Los Angeles.
Right, and, uh, we moved here because we were feeling invisible there.
Yeah, men men had stopped looking at us.
Oh, the men in L.
don't look at women in their 30s? - Oh, that's so sweet! - Oh, you think we're in our 30s?! Smile.
Dial up the crazy.
That is a great idea.
We must increase our bust.
This is gonna be a good show.
Well, great.
We're in a dive bar in Cleveland.
Look, I googled "Cleveland" and "get hammered," and this is what came up.
It's one of those ideas that you hear and you immediately go, "oh, why hasn't anybody done this before? It's so brilliant and so simple.
" And then you throw in Betty white, then I think you've got a pretty good show on your hands.
Yeah, I was up for that part.
The title got me right away "Hot in Cleveland.
" I feel young and hot.
Like they're undressing me with their eyes and not finding spanx.
Kind of says to you right there what the show is.
And if it doesn't, it makes you curious about what it could be.
All the men look like real men, and the women look like real women? And everyone's eating, and no one's ashamed.
I actually thought it was really smart of TV land to take the plunge into original programming.
To Cleveland! To Cleveland! They had traditionally done all of these great reruns of classic sitcoms.
And so it seemed like a perfect fit to start a new generation of brand-new shows to pair with these reruns.
You know, maybe we should just forget fixing each other up with men and enjoy each other's company, right? Ooh! Hot firemen.
It was definitely taking a chance, but I think it was a very wise one.
- You just gave that whole speech about - Shut up, Joy.
And if you're gonna take a risk, why not take it with four people that had already been on hit shows? The script was sent to me, and I immediately recognized the name Suzanne Martin, who had been a writer on "Frasier.
" So, I was very excited.
I read the script.
I absolutely loved it.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Remember romantic comedies are like cellulite cures.
Every one of them is a lie.
Oh! The premise was intriguing, but I thought, "I need to know who else is in it.
" We met with Jane first.
Then we met with wendie.
Then we met with Valerie.
And we started telling them all that the other one was in.
- Exactly.
- So we kind of lied a little bit.
This has got to be the craziest lie you've ever told.
It gets a little bit crazier.
What we came to find out is they had said the same thing to everybody that they were going after.
And then it all kind of came together, and then Betty was the final piece of the puzzle.
I remember for our first table read, the first time we sat down, there was this sort of this magical feeling.
And we all sort of got that little tingle up our spines knowing that this is something that really could work.
There was chemistry between us that just felt so right, and it's not something you can even pinpoint or explain.
And then I told him to look around, and he found Melanie's breasts.
They do look pretty good tonight.
I mean rude! - Can we have silence, please? - We are rolling.
Here we go.
And action.
To think that we spent all that time and effort and money trying to look 10 years younger and 10 pounds lighter, and all we had to do was crash-land in Cleveland.
On the pilot, I remember feeling the energy and the audience connecting right away.
We kind of hit Betty right at the top of one of her peaks in her career, but she was just a guest star on the pilot.
And I made it very clear that, if they did get picked up, I would not be able to do more.
So, what are you, like 100? I don't like you.
They haven't been able to get rid of me since.
Aren't you that girl from that show? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Are you a fan? No.
You just know you have something that the audience loves, that they love, that everything's just lining up, and that lightning in a bottle happens.
So, what should we do now? I say we go back to that bar where the men think we're hot.
I'll drive.
It came together on one night, and then when we got the call about the numbers Oh, my God, it's my agent.
Okay, everybody, just shut up.
He thinks I'm in Paris.
I think we were all incredibly surprised at the ratings we got.
I mean, Valerie was saying, "maybe we'll even get I said, "oh, come on.
" I know, right?! I was tripling them, quadrupling them, and going, "what if we did this, you guys?!" And then we got the news about our numbers, which were through the roof.
It was like beyond anybody's wildest dreams.
Everybody's phone was going off, off, off, that we just crushed the numbers.
I think the show just sort of burst out of the gates right from the start.
A word to the wise a smart jockey always sits straight up on the horse.
See, you're the jockey, and he's the Yes, yes, we understand.
Thank you.
It's so your boobs don't flop to the side and get lost in your back fat.
I hadn't seen for a long time a group of women of a certain age being portrayed as still viable and sexual and celebrated the way they have been on this show.
It was very empowering to be a part of something like this.
You're too old to act like this.
She's not old.
40 is the new 30.
And 50 is the new 40.
What's 80? It's still 80.
And I still don't like you.
The perception of age is so blurred now.
Take it easy, Vic.
You look incred for [Bleep] We did see that there was a gap in television programming, and that was having women that are like women all over the country that have lives and goals and love and dreams, and I think that's what we loved about it.
What happened? We got along fine, but He wouldn't go downtown.
If you know what I mean.
What? I mean, there's so many good restaurants and and shops downtown.
We made your life better.
And you love us for it, you big softy.
I'm so glad you like us.
You think we're great.
And people wonder why writers drink.
What an advantage, really, just to work with not only four iconic actresses, but women that were so good at what they did.
My date is a plastic surgeon.
Take a look at me right now.
This is the worst I'm ever gonna look! I think Melanie is sort of the naive, vulnerable, gullible center of the show.
Nobody tells Melanie Moretti what to do.
I'm out of here.
Will you put another quarter in the meter? Oh.
Yeah, sure.
Damn it! Oh, tube tops.
Yeah, I had a back brace and bacne in high school, so, you know You couldn't wear tube tops? No, not couldn't.
Shouldn't have.
First yearbook photo to be rejected.
"Too disturbing.
" I love that her character is so sweet, and Valerie, on the other hand, in real life, grew up with a bunch of boys, and you can tell because she swears like a sailor.
Remember that cute doctor I met when the bar got held up and he needed my spanx so he could [bleep] Me.
Victoria, of course, is that self-centered actress.
Are all actresses as beautiful in person as you? Sadly, no.
She always has a lifetime original movie that she can relate to some situation that's going on.
I know art because I played a blocked artist in the Lifetime original movie "The Empty Paintbrush.
" Well, I did play a homeless woman in the Lifetime original movie "Concrete Pillow," based on the novel "The Sidewalk is my Bed" by Shazique.
God, I wish I could remember the names of them.
They were so ridiculous.
What do we do with the body? Exactly what we did with the governor's body in my Lifetime original movie "What Do We Do With The Governor's Body?" Rule number one, you can't fall in love with me.
That won't be a problem.
Joy is funny because she's so beautiful and so interesting and so compelling and so unlucky in love.
And think about the people that she's been with.
Oh, God.
What an old slut.
I slept with my mother's boyfriend.
Already?! Ironically, you know, the most unlucky person in love is the person who seems to have found love in the end.
I met a man this year who touched me deeply.
That could be half of Cleveland.
I don't know how you can hold out till the 12th date.
I never could.
Like you ever had a 12th date.
Oh, well, Elka, she's a royal pain in the neck.
She's sort of the commentator.
I'm only famous.
You're not even that famous.
She's reached a certain age, and she's just gonna say and do what she likes.
I can't stand what a smug loudmouth she is.
That's my thing.
Where's the insult? I've got no boobs.
I'm old.
I'm skanky.
I'm saving those for your wedding toast.
Betty and I always say, underneath they have sort of a sneaky admiration for each other because they're both really strong women.
I know you pretend not to like me, but deep down, you really do.
Oh, my God, Elka! What did you do to me?! I didn't ask you to hug me, you bony nitwit! To have that kind of timing like she does at her age is incredible.
I don't do fatties.
Oh, you got to front up and bug down, bitch.
So you have to sleep with someone because they bought you a $40 piece of meat? I'm a lady.
Oh, God, episodes that I love.
We do not need any guns.
Aah! There was one where I shot my son when I met him for the first time.
I'm terrified to let him know that it's me, so I ask Melanie to pretend to be me.
I wish I'd have known you were comin'.
I'd have put on a spot of tea.
Gosh darn it, we're happy you're here.
I'm Lady Winchester.
We did not get through that without just crying-laughing.
I brought a wee bag of ice for the wee one's leg.
What? We're not doing that anymore? So, what do you guys want for your birthday? Why don't you all get each other dates for your birthday? I love "birth dates.
" Those are some of my favorite episodes.
Somehow, every year, they manage to make them more insane.
There was man boobs.
- Santa? - Yes.
I knew it! The guy with the nub.
I have no nub.
I have a grown man's tail.
How many noses does your date have? Because mine has two.
Yeah, that was the most fun debriefing in the bathroom.
Of course, Victoria would always say, "oh, really, Melanie?" This is the worst date ever.
Is it, Melanie? Do we really want to play who has the worst date? I could never beat her with the worst birth date.
I am on a date with conjoined twins.
He's a really nice guy.
I am on a date with conjoined twins.
This is, I think, what we do best.
You need to find a way to get invited to that funeral.
Just crash it.
These shows where all four of us are thrown into a completely improbable situation and just try to logically get through it as best we can.
My God! What on earth are you doing? The dead lady has on my magic dress.
So you're swapping dresses with a corpse without locking the door? Oh, rookies.
We're doing it the old-fashioned way.
Where the man is on no.
Oh, I'll be breathtaking.
Watch this.
People say one of their favorite things about coming to a taping is when we screw up.
This is just like Brett "fav-Ra.
" And fortunately, we screw up quite a bit, so we have a lot for them to appreciate.
You know how much I value our friendship.
You are the wings beneath my wind.
We break each other up, and we laugh a lot and then get right back to business.
Honey badger don't give a [Bleep] We have a lot of fun.
We just have a good time.
If you don't want to have a good time, don't come in.
I sent in a slightly younger picture of myself.
A cave drawing? I signed up when my bender was ov I signed up when my I signed up when my bender was over.
In fact, that's my screen name Benderover.
He's that good.
He's muffin good.
Valerie and I are the worst.
We cannot lock eyes sometimes before we're on the floor laughing.
Well, we're just gonna have to do for each other what we did with the muffins.
Just eat the top? When we've done the live shows, I've really tried to keep it together.
Live from Studio City, this is "Hot in Cleveland.
" Hello, mother.
It's your son Sally from Cincinnati.
Doing it live was such a thrill.
My God, it's like literally being shot out of a cannon, but I just remember thinking, "this is for real.
You don't get a second chance.
" - Who the hell are you?! - Sally from Cincinnati.
I'm Sally from Cincinnati.
I mean, we rehearsed and rehearsed.
So, how many more buffoons are gonna come in here saying they're Sally from Cincinnati? Someone say my name? The first time we did a live show, people didn't think it was live because it was so smooth.
So we planted a couple of things in the second one.
Joy and I are making love.
There's no one better to break the women up than Dave Foley.
See, she likes to do it outdoors, and I enjoy doing it indoors.
I'm hanging out the window, and I'm shaking 'cause I'm laughing so hard.
This way, we're both satisfied.
And we're done.
And then Dave turns around and says something to me, and it wasn't the line that was scripted, and I lost it.
Melanie, did you see anything you liked? I had to turn around so that, hopefully, the camera didn't catch me laughing.
This set has always had the reputation of being a really fun and happy place to work.
Every time somebody guest stars on the show, they leave saying it was the best experience they ever had.
Would you mind changing the sheets on my bed? I'm sorry.
I don't speak your language.
We have been privileged to watch our idols walk through that door and then sit down and play with us.
Drink until it makes sense.
The list is so long.
I mean, where do you start? It started with Mary Tyler Moore and her whole crew.
Look at us back together.
We have had some extraordinary talent on this show.
I mean, Carol Burnett.
Come on.
Oh, my God, that hand.
It's gigantic.
I wouldn't want that sucker inside of me.
Another one who I loved having so much was Carl Reiner, who is one of the kindest, sweetest men in the world.
He came and played with Betty, and we were all like, "can you believe we're watching these two act together?" I don't want to lose you, so if you're still up for it, I'm willing to try going downtown.
- You are? - Yes.
Just hope I won't get lost down there.
That's, like, as good as it gets.
We get to go out and do a play with our pals for the people, and it's like opening night every Friday night.
Hi, Betty! Get next to Betty.
Get next to Betty.
This is so exciting.
I'm in my old skanky robe.
I get really, really amazing fan letters.
The letters I get are from women who really do feel empowered by this.
And it's not just women my age.
It's young girls.
You know, I think it's such a positive thing for women.
It may be weird that women our age live together, but I really like it.
- Me too.
- Me too.
When you really looked at these women in the first year, they were all about Botox and making sure that they had the highest heels.
You know, what we've all come to realize is, as important as all of this is, it's how you feel about yourself and how much you accept who you are and don't get too freaked out about the little imperfections.
There's something kind of wonderful about accepting the age you are and not fighting it all the time.
It certainly helped me to feel better about myself, and I hope it's done that for other women, too.
You're not old.
40 is the new 25.
I thought 40 was the new 30.
Well, if we're just gonna make crap up, I'd rather be 25.
Essentially, this show has been about girlfriends.
It's the antithesis of what a lot of reality shows say about girlfriends.
They say they're girlfriends and stab each other in the back.
Aah! Aah! This is what real girlfriends are like.
You thought Liberace was straight? I could have turned him.
The greatest loves in each of our lives are really each other because we are always there for each other.
Imagine we hadn't crashed here and our flight had taken us straight to Paris.
We would have eaten a lot of fatty French food, bought a lot of discount Chanel, and then flown back to our empty lives in L.
Discount Chanel.
It is truly a family.
We all just feel so privileged to have had these six seasons.
Most people never get this in a lifetime.
It's been an absolute gift to work with people I consider my best friends.
It has been the nicest, kindest working environment for everybody involved in the show.
You can't do a show like this with the rapport that we have that it doesn't become family, and it's tough when you know that you're running out of time.
I think everybody's sad.
When we're on the stage, we're not allowed to talk about it, especially in front of Valerie.
Shh, shh.
The show's not ending.
Show's not ending.
I know how to live in denial.
We're telling ourselves we're gonna write a book.
There will be no book, but it will give us a chance to have lunch together to discuss "the book.
" There's just a warm, fuzzy feeling you get when you drive on the lot knowing you'll run into all of these people.
And I don't want them to take that sign down on the stage.
The great challenge of life is, how do you savor every day? We're all trying to come in and just not miss any of it.
It's been such a happy ride.
There can't be any sadness.
I mean we had the time of our lives.
For five years.
Six seasons.
I really think this show will go down as one of the ones to remember.
The relationship between us I think that reaches out to the audience and that's what they'll remember.
I hope people can take away from this the joy that we've had here.
That's what this show is about.
Forget your troubles for half and hour, sit down and laugh.
Who is this magical hairdresser? We demand to know who is blowing you.
Hi, lover.
I have so many questions.
Sex is amazing.
She's half my age! No, darling, that really isn't that young.
- My fake age! - Oh, my God, she's a child! You two look ridiculous.
I tried to keep a straight face, I really did!