Hot In Cleveland s06e24 Episode Script
I Hate Goodbyes
Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
(man) Please take your seats.
We've closed the doors and begun preparations for our flight to Paris.
Thank God.
I made it.
Ohh Actually, that was mine.
But you look like you needed it more than I did.
I'm so, so sorry.
I promise I won't touch any of your cashews.
Except this one, 'cause I haven't eaten all day.
Help yourself.
- I'm Tom.
- Oh, Melanie.
Boy, have I had a crazy day.
What happened? It's a long story.
Well, it's a long flight, nine hours.
Not that you'd talk for that long.
You don't know me very well.
Go for it.
Okay, well, first I have to set things up.
Six years ago, my friends and I were on a plane just like this flying to Paris.
But that plane crash-landed.
Oh, but, you know, get that out of your mind.
It would ruin the flight if the whole time you're thinking, "What if this girl's a jinx and this plane crashes?" I wasn't thinking that.
Until now.
Anyway, we landed safely in Cleveland, and then we ended up living there.
And tomorrow, my dear, sweet friend Joy is gonna have her dream wedding in Paris.
We knew everything was gonna change, so yesterday we decided to just put that out of our minds and just have the most fun bachelorette party.
[all sobbing.]
No, no, no! The rule of the evening is no tears.
Whenever we feel sad, let's just remember my fabulous wedding in Paris that people are flying to from all over the world and Canada.
(all) To Paris! AhI'm gonna pull another card from the bachelorette party question deck.
Okay, everyone.
"What was the best sex you ever had?" It's Bob.
Honestly, he's made me forget every other man I've ever slept with.
That must have emptied out the old brain pan.
What about you, Elka? - Sinatra, right? - Nope, nope.
The best orgasm I ever had was when Joy said she was leaving.
Melanie.
I-I don't wannasay.
Oh, come on, tell us.
Honestly? Bob.
I mean, I know we only slept together once, but he was amazing.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no You don't have to be.
I know neither one of you has feelings for the other.
Just like you know that if either one of you did, I would have to cripple you in some disfiguring way.
Ah, this game is fun! For me, the best was the one who got away.
Johnny Revere.
You know, I read in the tabloids that he's sleeping with a different 20-year-old groupie every night.
I bet he is miserable.
Oh, I'll take that bet.
Oh, I'm gonna miss this.
Who can believe we moved here six years ago just because men in a bar thought we were hot? The whole city thought we were hot.
And we had a lot more dates here than we would have had in L.
A.
Although they haven't all been great.
Remember Pooh Bear? He walked around in only a T-shirt and nothing else? Oh, and what about the guy with the foot fetish who made little outfits for my toes? Ugh I've been with an 18-year-old, a man who dressed up like My Little Pony, and I almost married a homeless lunatic just to get a green card.
Excuse me.
Man boobs, webbed hands, human tail, forehead nose, conjoined twins I win.
All right, it's time for me to pull out the name of the person who will give the toast at my wedding, the one who will say lovely, wonderful things about me on the happiest day of my life.
Melanie! Yes, it's Melanie! I mean, it was an honor, but public speaking oh, it makes me crazy nervous.
The last time I did it, I got these sweat stains that went from my armpits all the way down to my waist.
Oh, not to mention the under-boob sweat crescents? Why am I telling you this? [laughs.]
Don't worry about it.
I'll put it in the same place as your suggestion of dying in a hideous plane crash.
Good, good.
Anyway, so the night went on, and we played some more games and then Victoriaboy.
She dropped a really big bombshell on us.
All right, Victoria.
Your turn.
"What is one thing you've never told anyone?" Okay.
I have a major announcement to make.
Uh after Joy's wedding, I'm moving back to L.
A.
What do you mean, you're moving? Well, my agent, my manager, my whole team all said that if I'm serious about reinvigorating my career, I need to be in L.
A.
- But why? - Well, think about it.
If I'm in L.
A.
and a Scarlett Johansson or a Natalie Portman drop out of a project, then who do you think they're gonna call? You? Exactly.
Wow.
Our house really is splitting up.
We're not even gonna be in the same city.
This wonderful time of us living together is coming to an end.
[tearfully.]
Do you think Bob is having this much fun at his bachelor party? He's with a couple of friends.
I'm not exactly sure what he's doing.
[groaning.]
Arrr Almost done.
You doing okay? Yeah.
Although it might help if you told me again that I'm a brave little soldier.
You are a brave little soldier.
I like to think so.
So you're getting married tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, to the woman of my dreams.
I'm a lucky man.
You are.
She's beautiful.
Oh, I know.
And, if you don't mind me saying, pretty stacked.
Oh, I kn what? You're giving me a tattoo of the woman on my right, right? I thought you said the woman on my right.
Wait I need to see this tattoo right now.
Aah! I'm not worried.
Bob won't do anything stupid.
You know, he really is an amazing man.
You are very lucky, Joy.
Take a shower, Melanie.
Well, this has been fun, but we should really get some sleep.
We're leaving for Paris early tomorrow morning.
[phone chimes.]
- Oh, my God! - What? I can't get married.
I'm having a baby! [upbeat music.]
Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba - Hey! - Wait.
She's pregnant? You think the fetus texted her that it's coming out the next day? That would be the polite thing to do.
[laughs.]
They wanted to adopt, and Joy found out there was a baby available in Las Vegas.
So naturally, she was pretty frantic as we were getting ready to go to the airport.
Come on, everyone! Move, move, let's go.
Here.
Just relax.
It's gonna be okay.
Seriously, Victoria? It's 8:00 in the morning.
We have to get to Las Vegas, pick up my baby, then turn around, fly to Paris for my wedding all in one day! What, are you saying you don't want the drink? I'm saying I need a bigger drink! (Mamie Sue) What do you mean you're not flying with me to Paris? Why not? Wehave to go somewhere with Joy first.
- Where are you going? - I'd rather not say.
It's Vegas, isn't it? I'm going too.
But Mamie Sue, you have a gambling problem.
It's only a problem if you lose.
I'll see you at the airport.
Joy.
[closes door.]
You ready to go get our baby? Yes, I am! Ah ha ha! What's the matter? Uhnothing! Did you do something last night you need to get off your chest? Yes but now's not the time.
We need to leave.
You're right.
We can't miss that plane.
Let's go, everyone! Dad! Bob Bob.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought you should know before you get married that, uh your mother and I have gotten divorced.
(Bob) Divorced? Why would you wait till now to tell me? Well, I was afraid that you'd lose your Canadian reserve and act like a wild animal.
And I can see I was right.
Wait a minute I thought Bob's dad was deaf.
Oh, he and Bob's mom had that implant surgery to restore their hearing.
Dad, why would you get divorced after 50 years together? Well, uh, once we could hear, your mother and I couldn't stand the sound of each other's voices.
And now your mother says that, uh, that that I that I have a an an an annoying st-st uh, stammer.
Can you believe that? Well, it's good to see you, Dad, but can we wrap this up? We're in kind of a hurry.
Well, I'm ready to start dating again, and I thought you could give me some tips.
Oh That's actually quite flattering.
Well, uh, you know, you're kind of a a doughy man.
And you have Joy who who is clearly out of your league.
Somewhat less flattering.
What I'm looking for is loose women and and no consequences.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Moore, but we have to leave right now for Las Vegas.
That could work.
(man) Folks, we apologize for the long delay, but we're still waiting - for a gate to open up.
- Our baby is out there, and we can't get to her! I can't take this anymore! They have to give us a gate soon it's so hot.
Why don't you unbutton your shirt? 'Cause it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom's chest before the wedding.
- What? - It's a Canadian thing.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! What are you doing? That's the sound of a slot machine hitting it big.
I'm visualizing winning.
- Ding, ding, ding - Could you visualize quieter? Nope.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding Ah, this is a disaster.
My phone is out of juice and and now I have to resort to reading.
Oh, my God! Look at this.
Johnny Revere is doing a show of all his hits in Vegas.
You gonna go try and see him? Oh, I can't.
Some big network executive's in Vegas right now.
My agent says I have to meet him.
And plus, I'm doing my own thing and Johnny's doing his.
UhJohnny's your your boyfriend? No, no.
The last time we saw each other, we decided it couldn't be.
Oh.
So you're you're not you're not seeing anybody? Are you coming on to me? Oh, no.
[laughs.]
Should, uh, should should I? Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you going? To get our baby.
We're busting out of here.
We're popping the exit door.
No, but that's for emergencies only! (Joy) What do you think this is? [air whooshing.]
[loud beeping.]
I'm sorry about opening the door.
It's just, you know, I was feeling a little hot, so, uh no harm, right? [cell door clangs shut.]
You are a brave and wonderful person for taking the rap for Joy.
And I am 100% there for you.
Well, gotta go.
Wait wait! Why? Well, I have my meeting with the network guy.
But you said you'd be there for me.
No, exactly.
I'll be there for you.
Just not here for you.
You know what? You guys can go too.
I'll use this time to work on my toast for Joy.
Because a lot of people have written great things in jail.
Like Dr.
King.
He wrote Letter from a Birmingham City Jail.
And and oh! Martha Stewart! She wrote a recipe for zesty lemon bars! Enough chitchat.
I need to hit the slots.
And I wanna hit the strip and, you know, meet some dolls.
But, uh, first I wanna get in my, uh, party mode.
I'll go with you.
If people see you with a hot woman, they'll think you're rich.
I-I am rich.
And now you're handsome.
Elka, you've been in jail before, Any advice? Find the scariest bull bitch in the cell, and call her sweetheart.
Look at that! A Tony King slot 4,000.
If you jimmy it like so and then give it a good whack [coins clattering.]
And that's how you beat the house with nobody the wiser! There's a guard behind me, isn't there? [cell door clangs shut.]
Hi, sweetheart.
Ah, this traffic is terrible.
I know.
But in a few hours, we'll be on a plane to Paris with our sweet little baby girl.
We'll be singing her lullabies and cooing her softly to sleep.
Learn to drive, ass[bleep.]
! We're in a hurry! I'm so happy.
[jazzy big band music.]
So how are you liking Vegas? Oh, it it's wild.
Up until today, I thought I thought Winnipeg was was Sin City.
Wild? The only place we've been is the wax museum.
You know that statue of Don Rickles it it was almost lifelike.
That was Don Rickles.
Oh.
If you're here to pick up women, how come you've spent the whole day with me? So far I haven't met any women who meet my standards.
You have standards? In the deaf community, I was known as a smooth-signing ladies' man.
Then prove it.
Pick somebody up.
O-okay, who? How about our dealer? She's cute.
H-hi.
Could could I ask you something? [cell door clangs shut.]
You got arrested for sexual harassment? Well, I-I was nervous speaking, so I-I asked her if she minded, you know, if I if I signed.
No.
You said, "Do you mind if I let my fingers do the talking?" And she she did.
How come you're here? I was defending him.
Andwords were exchanged.
They can't arrest you for that.
Let me finish.
Wordswere exchanged for punches.
That that bald lesbian at the craps table she she was really impressed.
That was also Don Rickles.
Victoria, the network is excited to be in business with you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
And my agent tells me you're a big fan.
Huge fan.
An Oscar, an Emmy.
And I love that Lifetime Original Movie about the hairdresser turned preacher.
Mm.
Lather, Rinse, Repent.
So what kind of project are we talking about? It's very exciting.
We're partnering with a Japanese company, Ozawa Industrial Brothers.
They want you to star in a show featuring a product they make called Mrs.
Ladypants.
I've never heard of it.
- It's an adult diaper.
- It's an absorbent pant.
[phone chimes.]
Oh, excuse me.
I have to get tickets for my mom to see Johnny Revere, whoever that is.
I'll be back in a few.
Oh, Johnny.
Babe, come out and see the fountain.
Look, there's dolphins in it.
Amazing, right? I'm gonna go down and take a selfie! It's a freakin' fountain! Johnny? Victoria? Wow! Look at that.
Johnny Revere is playing in concert! You know, if we could go see that, that would make this day perfect.
Not that going to pick up our baby and getting married isn't perfect enough.
[groans.]
Ugh! This is taking too long.
Here's 50 bucks.
There are no red lights.
[engine revs.]
Except for that one! - [horns honk.]
- [screaming.]
[crash.]
Oh, my God.
Bob? Are you okay? Ah Let me loosen your shirt and tie.
[groans.]
No You're going to be okay.
You're going to be okay.
You are not gonna be okay.
How upset was Joy? Was Bob okay? Did they get the baby? And what about Victoria and Johnny what about them? And how'd you and Elka and the others get out of jail? And I bet you're worried about how my toast was coming along too, right? So worried I didn't want to bring it up.
You're sweet.
Anyway, the good news is that, yes, Bob was okay.
What were you thinking? Melanie's face is tattooed on your chest.
I told you it was a mistake.
You know, we're all entitled to a youthful indiscretion or two.
You only got it last night.
I was younger then! So every time we make love, I'm gonna be looking at Melanie.
There are other positions, Joy.
You know, in Canada, we have one called Reverse Lady Mountie.
- It involves - There will be no positions till that thing's gone.
Fine.
I'll get it lasered off.
Or I could add a couple of other dudes and pass it off as Three Dog Night.
How's the car? Can we go? [Irish accent.]
It's just a little banged up.
Looks like it'll run fine.
[siren whoops.]
- Oh, crap! Relax.
Just tell him it's a minor fender bender.
You don't get it I'm undocumented.
Good luck with the baby.
Damn it! We're never gonna get there! No baby, no plane, no wedding.
Everything's going wrong, just like it always does when I'm about to be happy.
Bob, where are you going? Don't worry, Joy.
I'll explain everything to the police.
You can't drive.
This isn't your cab! I am a desperate, tattooed immigrant who just pissed off a woman.
I think I can pass as a cabbie.
Hey, you know what? Since you guys are here, maybe you can give me some feedback on my wedding toast for Joy.
You know, 'cause everyone tells me to write from the heart, so that's what I did.
"Joy, don't leave me.
"I know this might be the happiest day of your life, "but it's the saddest day of mine.
"But you obviously don't care about that, or me, so let's just raise a glass to Joy and Bob.
" Melanie, you're making jail sad.
Please, you have got to let me out so I can get on that plane and give this toast tomorrow at my friend's wedding! I think I'm doing her a favor.
I'm going crazy.
Just behind these bars is a wonderful world of sin, and I can't even get a glimpse of it.
I feel the same way.
Are you a gambler too, Bob? Uh, no, no, uh ladies' man.
Why are you in the women's jail? Theysaid I wasn't a threat.
Mayor Elka Ostrovsky, Bob Moore? You're free to go.
Casino dropped the charges against the two of you.
Wait, wait, wait so they can just go? How did that happen? I have no idea! You agreed to testify against her.
Maybe that's why.
Come on, Bob, drive faster! You know, contrary to popular belief, going faster will not lower your fare.
You've got the meter running? That's what a real cabbie would do.
Go through that red light! [sighs.]
Have you learned nothing, Joy? (woman) I'm sorry.
This is an emergency.
Take me to the hospital.
I'm in labor.
Oh, I'm sorry, we'd love to, but we can't.
We're going to adopt a baby.
I'm going to have a baby.
Uh-oh! I don't think I'm gonna make it to the hospital! - You will.
- I won't! - You will! - I won't! You will! She didn't.
Bob delivered the baby in the cab.
So did Bob and Joy make it to the adoption agency? Slow down! I need to catch up on Victoria and Johnny.
Wow! Victoria, you look amazing.
- Yeah, you too.
- So What are you doing here in Vegas? Oh, the usual career song and dance.
I talked myself into being excited about it, but nowI don't know.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Oh, please! Your life seems great.
You got a Vegas show and that pretty young thing.
I do hope she's getting college credit for this relationship.
Well, it's, uh, not really a relationship.
I mean, more like just marking time.
Oh, but I bet she thinks it's special.
After all, I was that girl once.
With you.
I mean, that's how we met, remember? - Mm-hmm.
- It's really funny, but when I see you, I feel like that same girl who climbed onto Johnny Revere's balcony andspent the night with him.
And when I look at you, I'm still the same guy that's glad you did.
What the hell are you doing? Climbing onto your balcony.
Are you crazy? We're ten floors up! There's a connecting door.
That's for old people.
Reach over and help me.
- Now what do we do? - Oh, I can't hang on! - Aah! - Whoa! [distant splash.]
Those dolphins really scattered when we hit the water.
At least we got through it without being recognized.
Mrs.
Ladypants! UhI'm the commercial spokesperson for a certain product in Japan.
Happy Penis Pow Pow! So am I.
I'm worried no woman will ever want me, you know, now that I've been in prison.
Oh, don't worry! Women love bad boys.
Look, Elka, I know you think of me as a suave, sophisticated chick magnet Sure.
But it's it's a pose.
I-I have no game.
I'll bet you do.
Give me your best line.
Damn, girl if you were a vegetable, you'd be a legplant.
[panting.]
We made it! We're here.
We're ready to adopt our baby.
Joy Scroggs and Bob Moore.
We're gonna be amazing parents.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry we're late.
We stopped to help a pregnant woman in labor.
We delivered the baby and didn't steal it like we wanted to.
Can't hurt to put that in our file extra credit.
You know, actually, I did notice there is one document missing from your file.
There's no marriage certificate.
Oh, don't worry about that.
We're getting married tomorrow.
Oh.
I do need to have that certificate before we can bring you your baby.
What kind of adoption agency demands a marriage certificate? A very old-fashioned Catholic one.
I can't believe this! We had to break out of an airplane and steal a cab and deliver a baby, and now none of that even matters because we're not married! It's fine.
We'll get married.
Oh, come on, Bob! Where are we gonna get married on a moment's notice in Vegas? Oh, yeah! - We'll be back.
- Don't give away our baby.
- Wow, this is nice.
- Mmm.
You know, when I was a little girl, I used to stare up at the stars and dream.
What'd you dream about? Being a famous actress and being happy.
And I just keep thinking how am I ever gonna get the second one if I keep on chasing the first? [laughs.]
Even now, I'm trying to charm my way into a role on some show in L.
A.
It's just always the same old, same old.
It is, isn't it? I mean, every night I go onstage with the same red blazer, the same Ray-Bans I've worn for 30 years.
And the hotel wants three more years.
Why are we still on this hamster wheel? What are we looking for? Maybe what we're looking for is right in front of us.
Do you remember when we almost ran away together, but we didn't because we both decided to put our careers first? I think about it all the time.
Well, I don't want to make that mistake again.
So how aboutwe just get off that damn hamster wheel? Andget onto each other? Oh, Johnny.
You always did save your romantic lines for your songs.
Okay, girls, your pimp just posted bail.
You're free to leave.
Excuse me we are also ladies of the evening.
I don't think so.
You know what, Mamie Sue, it's okay.
This'll just give me more time to work on my toast.
No, not the toast again.
Get out, you two whores! Oh, I could lie here with you forever.
Me too.
[phone chimes.]
But we can't! We have to get to a wedding! Okay, old friend, I believe we have some unfinished business.
[phone chimes.]
Not now, Mamie Sue! We have to get to a wedding! We have to get married right away! Sounds like you two have a hunka hunka burnin' love.
Oh, bloody hell.
Listen, Elvis, we need to get married so we can get a baby.
Old-fashioned values.
I like it.
But we got a promise ring convention in town.
[All Shook Up cadence.]
They're in love[ahem.]
We're all booked up.
I'm going in.
Those two young virgins will have to wait! Dad? Elka? You're getting married? Well, there's my something old.
I can't believe you're getting married.
Wow! Johnny Revere! Huge fan! You know, I lost my virginity to I Love Makin' Love.
That song came out ten years ago.
So good year for both of us.
- Focus, Bob! - Yes.
How did this happen? Well, it's quite a story.
Umwe were, um we we were at the At the baccarat table, at the the casino, you know, where where the theme is Oh, someone's got to speed this up! Elka volunteered to help him find the perfect woman.
Turns out it was me.
Yeah, I realized what I was looking for was was right in front of me.
Oh, we know the feeling.
Great.
Everyone's in love except for Melanie.
Was that really necessary? Look, we need to get married first, because we need a baby.
And we need to get married fast because we're in our 80s.
He doesn't know.
So who's getting married first? You could make it a double wedding.
That'll give us more time for gambling.
Okay, fine! This is so exciting! I wonder what fake celebrity they'll get to marry you.
Who here loves makin' love? Oh! It's you! Which one of you is Bob Moore? - I am.
- I am.
I-I'm Bob and he's he's Bob Bob.
You know, I don't wanna be Bob Bob anymore.
Sounds like somebody you can boss around.
- Would you quit wasting time? - Yes, dear.
Hey, why don't you and I get married too? Oh! Oh, Johnny! Yes! But not now.
We're stars.
I mean, we can't have a wedding where the biggest celebrity guest is a 93-year-old mayor.
Damn it, Victoria! I now pronounce you man and wife and man and wife.
Yay! [applauding.]
- Congratulations! - Congratulations! [overlapping comments.]
Bob, we've got to go.
Yes, you do.
Go pick up my granddaughter.
- Granddaughter? - Oh, my God! Elka's your mother-in-law! Call me Mom! I can't believe we're married.
You can't believe it? What about me? First time I saw you, I imagined this moment and I thought, "No way.
" Now that it's actually happening, you know what I'm thinking? - "No way.
" - Oh, Bob.
(woman) Mr.
and Mrs.
Moore? Mrs.
Moore.
That's me! I'm not Scroggs anymore.
I'm Scroggs-free! Would you like to meet your daughter? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my gosh.
Congratulations, you two.
Oh, thank you.
Would you look at her? All the babies in the world, and we got the best one.
I think so too.
- Our little girl! - I know.
[chuckles.]
I am gonna take care of you and love you and protect you forever.
And I'm gonna teach you to wait for the right man even if it takes a really long time.
Happy? So happy.
All the stupid mistakes I've made in my life, all the regrets I wouldn't change any of them.
'Cause they got me to this moment.
You're right.
Little things like getting a tattoo of another woman on your chest just seem so unimportant right now.
Nice try.
Well, maybe on our honeymoon I'll get a tan and we can tell people it's Bob Marley.
Oh, my God! Our honeymoon, Paris! - Ah! - We've got a plane to catch.
[baby cooing.]
Do you have a name yet? Yes.
Elizabeth.
But I think we're gonna call her Betty.
Never met a Betty I didn't like.
And they're always so pretty.
Seems so unreal to me flying to Paris again with all of you.
Only this time with a baby and a wonderful man.
The last time we were on this plane, we were all so unhappy.
Oh, we felt invisible and unwanted.
We thought our best years were behind us.
And then we crash-landed in Cleveland, of all places! And met Elka and had all kinds of adventures and romances and career changes and we became the people we are today.
And now our lives are gonna change again.
I just want you all to know that I have never learned more or laughed harder or had as much damn fun as I've had in the last six years! I mean, we doubled each other's joys, and we halved each other's sorrows.
So, yeah, things are gonna change, but I know one thing that will never change.
You're my friends.
You're my family.
You really are the loves of my life.
[tearfully.]
I love you.
Oh, Melanie.
To us.
(all) To us! Oh, and now I gotta get busy working on my stupid toast.
I think that was your stupid toast.
You're right, you're right! Okay, just forget you ever heard it, 'cause I'm gonna go write it down.
[plane juddering.]
(captain) This is Captain Reid speaking.
All passengers and flight attendants please take your seats and fasten your seatbelts.
Hey, I think I got my toast.
I had no doubt.
So how does your story end? UmI don't know.
I have a feeling something big is about to happen.
[juddering.]
[passengers exclaim.]
Okay, don't worry.
The plane's not gonna crash.
I mean, lightning does not strike twice.
- [lightning rumbles.]
- [passengers exclaim.]
Oh! [laughs.]
I'm scared.
It's gonna be okay.
Take my hand.
[Queen's You're My Best Friend plays.]
Ooh, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It's you, you're all I see Ooh, you make me live, now, honey Ooh, you make me live Oh, you're the best friend That I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine And I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you - Ooh - Oh You're my best friend Ooh, you make me live Ooh, I've been wandering round But I still come back to you God, that was fun.
It truly was.
I loved it.
Same time next week? - You bet.
- Why not? - Let's do it.
- Wednesdays are our nights.
(Melanie) Yeah.
I like Wednesdays.
(man) Please take your seats.
We've closed the doors and begun preparations for our flight to Paris.
Thank God.
I made it.
Ohh Actually, that was mine.
But you look like you needed it more than I did.
I'm so, so sorry.
I promise I won't touch any of your cashews.
Except this one, 'cause I haven't eaten all day.
Help yourself.
- I'm Tom.
- Oh, Melanie.
Boy, have I had a crazy day.
What happened? It's a long story.
Well, it's a long flight, nine hours.
Not that you'd talk for that long.
You don't know me very well.
Go for it.
Okay, well, first I have to set things up.
Six years ago, my friends and I were on a plane just like this flying to Paris.
But that plane crash-landed.
Oh, but, you know, get that out of your mind.
It would ruin the flight if the whole time you're thinking, "What if this girl's a jinx and this plane crashes?" I wasn't thinking that.
Until now.
Anyway, we landed safely in Cleveland, and then we ended up living there.
And tomorrow, my dear, sweet friend Joy is gonna have her dream wedding in Paris.
We knew everything was gonna change, so yesterday we decided to just put that out of our minds and just have the most fun bachelorette party.
[all sobbing.]
No, no, no! The rule of the evening is no tears.
Whenever we feel sad, let's just remember my fabulous wedding in Paris that people are flying to from all over the world and Canada.
(all) To Paris! AhI'm gonna pull another card from the bachelorette party question deck.
Okay, everyone.
"What was the best sex you ever had?" It's Bob.
Honestly, he's made me forget every other man I've ever slept with.
That must have emptied out the old brain pan.
What about you, Elka? - Sinatra, right? - Nope, nope.
The best orgasm I ever had was when Joy said she was leaving.
Melanie.
I-I don't wannasay.
Oh, come on, tell us.
Honestly? Bob.
I mean, I know we only slept together once, but he was amazing.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no You don't have to be.
I know neither one of you has feelings for the other.
Just like you know that if either one of you did, I would have to cripple you in some disfiguring way.
Ah, this game is fun! For me, the best was the one who got away.
Johnny Revere.
You know, I read in the tabloids that he's sleeping with a different 20-year-old groupie every night.
I bet he is miserable.
Oh, I'll take that bet.
Oh, I'm gonna miss this.
Who can believe we moved here six years ago just because men in a bar thought we were hot? The whole city thought we were hot.
And we had a lot more dates here than we would have had in L.
A.
Although they haven't all been great.
Remember Pooh Bear? He walked around in only a T-shirt and nothing else? Oh, and what about the guy with the foot fetish who made little outfits for my toes? Ugh I've been with an 18-year-old, a man who dressed up like My Little Pony, and I almost married a homeless lunatic just to get a green card.
Excuse me.
Man boobs, webbed hands, human tail, forehead nose, conjoined twins I win.
All right, it's time for me to pull out the name of the person who will give the toast at my wedding, the one who will say lovely, wonderful things about me on the happiest day of my life.
Melanie! Yes, it's Melanie! I mean, it was an honor, but public speaking oh, it makes me crazy nervous.
The last time I did it, I got these sweat stains that went from my armpits all the way down to my waist.
Oh, not to mention the under-boob sweat crescents? Why am I telling you this? [laughs.]
Don't worry about it.
I'll put it in the same place as your suggestion of dying in a hideous plane crash.
Good, good.
Anyway, so the night went on, and we played some more games and then Victoriaboy.
She dropped a really big bombshell on us.
All right, Victoria.
Your turn.
"What is one thing you've never told anyone?" Okay.
I have a major announcement to make.
Uh after Joy's wedding, I'm moving back to L.
A.
What do you mean, you're moving? Well, my agent, my manager, my whole team all said that if I'm serious about reinvigorating my career, I need to be in L.
A.
- But why? - Well, think about it.
If I'm in L.
A.
and a Scarlett Johansson or a Natalie Portman drop out of a project, then who do you think they're gonna call? You? Exactly.
Wow.
Our house really is splitting up.
We're not even gonna be in the same city.
This wonderful time of us living together is coming to an end.
[tearfully.]
Do you think Bob is having this much fun at his bachelor party? He's with a couple of friends.
I'm not exactly sure what he's doing.
[groaning.]
Arrr Almost done.
You doing okay? Yeah.
Although it might help if you told me again that I'm a brave little soldier.
You are a brave little soldier.
I like to think so.
So you're getting married tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah, to the woman of my dreams.
I'm a lucky man.
You are.
She's beautiful.
Oh, I know.
And, if you don't mind me saying, pretty stacked.
Oh, I kn what? You're giving me a tattoo of the woman on my right, right? I thought you said the woman on my right.
Wait I need to see this tattoo right now.
Aah! I'm not worried.
Bob won't do anything stupid.
You know, he really is an amazing man.
You are very lucky, Joy.
Take a shower, Melanie.
Well, this has been fun, but we should really get some sleep.
We're leaving for Paris early tomorrow morning.
[phone chimes.]
- Oh, my God! - What? I can't get married.
I'm having a baby! [upbeat music.]
Ba-ba, ba-ba Ba-ba, ba-ba - Hey! - Wait.
She's pregnant? You think the fetus texted her that it's coming out the next day? That would be the polite thing to do.
[laughs.]
They wanted to adopt, and Joy found out there was a baby available in Las Vegas.
So naturally, she was pretty frantic as we were getting ready to go to the airport.
Come on, everyone! Move, move, let's go.
Here.
Just relax.
It's gonna be okay.
Seriously, Victoria? It's 8:00 in the morning.
We have to get to Las Vegas, pick up my baby, then turn around, fly to Paris for my wedding all in one day! What, are you saying you don't want the drink? I'm saying I need a bigger drink! (Mamie Sue) What do you mean you're not flying with me to Paris? Why not? Wehave to go somewhere with Joy first.
- Where are you going? - I'd rather not say.
It's Vegas, isn't it? I'm going too.
But Mamie Sue, you have a gambling problem.
It's only a problem if you lose.
I'll see you at the airport.
Joy.
[closes door.]
You ready to go get our baby? Yes, I am! Ah ha ha! What's the matter? Uhnothing! Did you do something last night you need to get off your chest? Yes but now's not the time.
We need to leave.
You're right.
We can't miss that plane.
Let's go, everyone! Dad! Bob Bob.
What are you doing here? Well, I thought you should know before you get married that, uh your mother and I have gotten divorced.
(Bob) Divorced? Why would you wait till now to tell me? Well, I was afraid that you'd lose your Canadian reserve and act like a wild animal.
And I can see I was right.
Wait a minute I thought Bob's dad was deaf.
Oh, he and Bob's mom had that implant surgery to restore their hearing.
Dad, why would you get divorced after 50 years together? Well, uh, once we could hear, your mother and I couldn't stand the sound of each other's voices.
And now your mother says that, uh, that that I that I have a an an an annoying st-st uh, stammer.
Can you believe that? Well, it's good to see you, Dad, but can we wrap this up? We're in kind of a hurry.
Well, I'm ready to start dating again, and I thought you could give me some tips.
Oh That's actually quite flattering.
Well, uh, you know, you're kind of a a doughy man.
And you have Joy who who is clearly out of your league.
Somewhat less flattering.
What I'm looking for is loose women and and no consequences.
I'm sorry, Mr.
Moore, but we have to leave right now for Las Vegas.
That could work.
(man) Folks, we apologize for the long delay, but we're still waiting - for a gate to open up.
- Our baby is out there, and we can't get to her! I can't take this anymore! They have to give us a gate soon it's so hot.
Why don't you unbutton your shirt? 'Cause it's bad luck for the bride to see the groom's chest before the wedding.
- What? - It's a Canadian thing.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! What are you doing? That's the sound of a slot machine hitting it big.
I'm visualizing winning.
- Ding, ding, ding - Could you visualize quieter? Nope.
Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding Ah, this is a disaster.
My phone is out of juice and and now I have to resort to reading.
Oh, my God! Look at this.
Johnny Revere is doing a show of all his hits in Vegas.
You gonna go try and see him? Oh, I can't.
Some big network executive's in Vegas right now.
My agent says I have to meet him.
And plus, I'm doing my own thing and Johnny's doing his.
UhJohnny's your your boyfriend? No, no.
The last time we saw each other, we decided it couldn't be.
Oh.
So you're you're not you're not seeing anybody? Are you coming on to me? Oh, no.
[laughs.]
Should, uh, should should I? Hey, hey, hey, hey, where are you going? To get our baby.
We're busting out of here.
We're popping the exit door.
No, but that's for emergencies only! (Joy) What do you think this is? [air whooshing.]
[loud beeping.]
I'm sorry about opening the door.
It's just, you know, I was feeling a little hot, so, uh no harm, right? [cell door clangs shut.]
You are a brave and wonderful person for taking the rap for Joy.
And I am 100% there for you.
Well, gotta go.
Wait wait! Why? Well, I have my meeting with the network guy.
But you said you'd be there for me.
No, exactly.
I'll be there for you.
Just not here for you.
You know what? You guys can go too.
I'll use this time to work on my toast for Joy.
Because a lot of people have written great things in jail.
Like Dr.
King.
He wrote Letter from a Birmingham City Jail.
And and oh! Martha Stewart! She wrote a recipe for zesty lemon bars! Enough chitchat.
I need to hit the slots.
And I wanna hit the strip and, you know, meet some dolls.
But, uh, first I wanna get in my, uh, party mode.
I'll go with you.
If people see you with a hot woman, they'll think you're rich.
I-I am rich.
And now you're handsome.
Elka, you've been in jail before, Any advice? Find the scariest bull bitch in the cell, and call her sweetheart.
Look at that! A Tony King slot 4,000.
If you jimmy it like so and then give it a good whack [coins clattering.]
And that's how you beat the house with nobody the wiser! There's a guard behind me, isn't there? [cell door clangs shut.]
Hi, sweetheart.
Ah, this traffic is terrible.
I know.
But in a few hours, we'll be on a plane to Paris with our sweet little baby girl.
We'll be singing her lullabies and cooing her softly to sleep.
Learn to drive, ass[bleep.]
! We're in a hurry! I'm so happy.
[jazzy big band music.]
So how are you liking Vegas? Oh, it it's wild.
Up until today, I thought I thought Winnipeg was was Sin City.
Wild? The only place we've been is the wax museum.
You know that statue of Don Rickles it it was almost lifelike.
That was Don Rickles.
Oh.
If you're here to pick up women, how come you've spent the whole day with me? So far I haven't met any women who meet my standards.
You have standards? In the deaf community, I was known as a smooth-signing ladies' man.
Then prove it.
Pick somebody up.
O-okay, who? How about our dealer? She's cute.
H-hi.
Could could I ask you something? [cell door clangs shut.]
You got arrested for sexual harassment? Well, I-I was nervous speaking, so I-I asked her if she minded, you know, if I if I signed.
No.
You said, "Do you mind if I let my fingers do the talking?" And she she did.
How come you're here? I was defending him.
Andwords were exchanged.
They can't arrest you for that.
Let me finish.
Wordswere exchanged for punches.
That that bald lesbian at the craps table she she was really impressed.
That was also Don Rickles.
Victoria, the network is excited to be in business with you.
Oh, I'm so glad.
And my agent tells me you're a big fan.
Huge fan.
An Oscar, an Emmy.
And I love that Lifetime Original Movie about the hairdresser turned preacher.
Mm.
Lather, Rinse, Repent.
So what kind of project are we talking about? It's very exciting.
We're partnering with a Japanese company, Ozawa Industrial Brothers.
They want you to star in a show featuring a product they make called Mrs.
Ladypants.
I've never heard of it.
- It's an adult diaper.
- It's an absorbent pant.
[phone chimes.]
Oh, excuse me.
I have to get tickets for my mom to see Johnny Revere, whoever that is.
I'll be back in a few.
Oh, Johnny.
Babe, come out and see the fountain.
Look, there's dolphins in it.
Amazing, right? I'm gonna go down and take a selfie! It's a freakin' fountain! Johnny? Victoria? Wow! Look at that.
Johnny Revere is playing in concert! You know, if we could go see that, that would make this day perfect.
Not that going to pick up our baby and getting married isn't perfect enough.
[groans.]
Ugh! This is taking too long.
Here's 50 bucks.
There are no red lights.
[engine revs.]
Except for that one! - [horns honk.]
- [screaming.]
[crash.]
Oh, my God.
Bob? Are you okay? Ah Let me loosen your shirt and tie.
[groans.]
No You're going to be okay.
You're going to be okay.
You are not gonna be okay.
How upset was Joy? Was Bob okay? Did they get the baby? And what about Victoria and Johnny what about them? And how'd you and Elka and the others get out of jail? And I bet you're worried about how my toast was coming along too, right? So worried I didn't want to bring it up.
You're sweet.
Anyway, the good news is that, yes, Bob was okay.
What were you thinking? Melanie's face is tattooed on your chest.
I told you it was a mistake.
You know, we're all entitled to a youthful indiscretion or two.
You only got it last night.
I was younger then! So every time we make love, I'm gonna be looking at Melanie.
There are other positions, Joy.
You know, in Canada, we have one called Reverse Lady Mountie.
- It involves - There will be no positions till that thing's gone.
Fine.
I'll get it lasered off.
Or I could add a couple of other dudes and pass it off as Three Dog Night.
How's the car? Can we go? [Irish accent.]
It's just a little banged up.
Looks like it'll run fine.
[siren whoops.]
- Oh, crap! Relax.
Just tell him it's a minor fender bender.
You don't get it I'm undocumented.
Good luck with the baby.
Damn it! We're never gonna get there! No baby, no plane, no wedding.
Everything's going wrong, just like it always does when I'm about to be happy.
Bob, where are you going? Don't worry, Joy.
I'll explain everything to the police.
You can't drive.
This isn't your cab! I am a desperate, tattooed immigrant who just pissed off a woman.
I think I can pass as a cabbie.
Hey, you know what? Since you guys are here, maybe you can give me some feedback on my wedding toast for Joy.
You know, 'cause everyone tells me to write from the heart, so that's what I did.
"Joy, don't leave me.
"I know this might be the happiest day of your life, "but it's the saddest day of mine.
"But you obviously don't care about that, or me, so let's just raise a glass to Joy and Bob.
" Melanie, you're making jail sad.
Please, you have got to let me out so I can get on that plane and give this toast tomorrow at my friend's wedding! I think I'm doing her a favor.
I'm going crazy.
Just behind these bars is a wonderful world of sin, and I can't even get a glimpse of it.
I feel the same way.
Are you a gambler too, Bob? Uh, no, no, uh ladies' man.
Why are you in the women's jail? Theysaid I wasn't a threat.
Mayor Elka Ostrovsky, Bob Moore? You're free to go.
Casino dropped the charges against the two of you.
Wait, wait, wait so they can just go? How did that happen? I have no idea! You agreed to testify against her.
Maybe that's why.
Come on, Bob, drive faster! You know, contrary to popular belief, going faster will not lower your fare.
You've got the meter running? That's what a real cabbie would do.
Go through that red light! [sighs.]
Have you learned nothing, Joy? (woman) I'm sorry.
This is an emergency.
Take me to the hospital.
I'm in labor.
Oh, I'm sorry, we'd love to, but we can't.
We're going to adopt a baby.
I'm going to have a baby.
Uh-oh! I don't think I'm gonna make it to the hospital! - You will.
- I won't! - You will! - I won't! You will! She didn't.
Bob delivered the baby in the cab.
So did Bob and Joy make it to the adoption agency? Slow down! I need to catch up on Victoria and Johnny.
Wow! Victoria, you look amazing.
- Yeah, you too.
- So What are you doing here in Vegas? Oh, the usual career song and dance.
I talked myself into being excited about it, but nowI don't know.
Yeah.
I know what you mean.
Oh, please! Your life seems great.
You got a Vegas show and that pretty young thing.
I do hope she's getting college credit for this relationship.
Well, it's, uh, not really a relationship.
I mean, more like just marking time.
Oh, but I bet she thinks it's special.
After all, I was that girl once.
With you.
I mean, that's how we met, remember? - Mm-hmm.
- It's really funny, but when I see you, I feel like that same girl who climbed onto Johnny Revere's balcony andspent the night with him.
And when I look at you, I'm still the same guy that's glad you did.
What the hell are you doing? Climbing onto your balcony.
Are you crazy? We're ten floors up! There's a connecting door.
That's for old people.
Reach over and help me.
- Now what do we do? - Oh, I can't hang on! - Aah! - Whoa! [distant splash.]
Those dolphins really scattered when we hit the water.
At least we got through it without being recognized.
Mrs.
Ladypants! UhI'm the commercial spokesperson for a certain product in Japan.
Happy Penis Pow Pow! So am I.
I'm worried no woman will ever want me, you know, now that I've been in prison.
Oh, don't worry! Women love bad boys.
Look, Elka, I know you think of me as a suave, sophisticated chick magnet Sure.
But it's it's a pose.
I-I have no game.
I'll bet you do.
Give me your best line.
Damn, girl if you were a vegetable, you'd be a legplant.
[panting.]
We made it! We're here.
We're ready to adopt our baby.
Joy Scroggs and Bob Moore.
We're gonna be amazing parents.
- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry we're late.
We stopped to help a pregnant woman in labor.
We delivered the baby and didn't steal it like we wanted to.
Can't hurt to put that in our file extra credit.
You know, actually, I did notice there is one document missing from your file.
There's no marriage certificate.
Oh, don't worry about that.
We're getting married tomorrow.
Oh.
I do need to have that certificate before we can bring you your baby.
What kind of adoption agency demands a marriage certificate? A very old-fashioned Catholic one.
I can't believe this! We had to break out of an airplane and steal a cab and deliver a baby, and now none of that even matters because we're not married! It's fine.
We'll get married.
Oh, come on, Bob! Where are we gonna get married on a moment's notice in Vegas? Oh, yeah! - We'll be back.
- Don't give away our baby.
- Wow, this is nice.
- Mmm.
You know, when I was a little girl, I used to stare up at the stars and dream.
What'd you dream about? Being a famous actress and being happy.
And I just keep thinking how am I ever gonna get the second one if I keep on chasing the first? [laughs.]
Even now, I'm trying to charm my way into a role on some show in L.
A.
It's just always the same old, same old.
It is, isn't it? I mean, every night I go onstage with the same red blazer, the same Ray-Bans I've worn for 30 years.
And the hotel wants three more years.
Why are we still on this hamster wheel? What are we looking for? Maybe what we're looking for is right in front of us.
Do you remember when we almost ran away together, but we didn't because we both decided to put our careers first? I think about it all the time.
Well, I don't want to make that mistake again.
So how aboutwe just get off that damn hamster wheel? Andget onto each other? Oh, Johnny.
You always did save your romantic lines for your songs.
Okay, girls, your pimp just posted bail.
You're free to leave.
Excuse me we are also ladies of the evening.
I don't think so.
You know what, Mamie Sue, it's okay.
This'll just give me more time to work on my toast.
No, not the toast again.
Get out, you two whores! Oh, I could lie here with you forever.
Me too.
[phone chimes.]
But we can't! We have to get to a wedding! Okay, old friend, I believe we have some unfinished business.
[phone chimes.]
Not now, Mamie Sue! We have to get to a wedding! We have to get married right away! Sounds like you two have a hunka hunka burnin' love.
Oh, bloody hell.
Listen, Elvis, we need to get married so we can get a baby.
Old-fashioned values.
I like it.
But we got a promise ring convention in town.
[All Shook Up cadence.]
They're in love[ahem.]
We're all booked up.
I'm going in.
Those two young virgins will have to wait! Dad? Elka? You're getting married? Well, there's my something old.
I can't believe you're getting married.
Wow! Johnny Revere! Huge fan! You know, I lost my virginity to I Love Makin' Love.
That song came out ten years ago.
So good year for both of us.
- Focus, Bob! - Yes.
How did this happen? Well, it's quite a story.
Umwe were, um we we were at the At the baccarat table, at the the casino, you know, where where the theme is Oh, someone's got to speed this up! Elka volunteered to help him find the perfect woman.
Turns out it was me.
Yeah, I realized what I was looking for was was right in front of me.
Oh, we know the feeling.
Great.
Everyone's in love except for Melanie.
Was that really necessary? Look, we need to get married first, because we need a baby.
And we need to get married fast because we're in our 80s.
He doesn't know.
So who's getting married first? You could make it a double wedding.
That'll give us more time for gambling.
Okay, fine! This is so exciting! I wonder what fake celebrity they'll get to marry you.
Who here loves makin' love? Oh! It's you! Which one of you is Bob Moore? - I am.
- I am.
I-I'm Bob and he's he's Bob Bob.
You know, I don't wanna be Bob Bob anymore.
Sounds like somebody you can boss around.
- Would you quit wasting time? - Yes, dear.
Hey, why don't you and I get married too? Oh! Oh, Johnny! Yes! But not now.
We're stars.
I mean, we can't have a wedding where the biggest celebrity guest is a 93-year-old mayor.
Damn it, Victoria! I now pronounce you man and wife and man and wife.
Yay! [applauding.]
- Congratulations! - Congratulations! [overlapping comments.]
Bob, we've got to go.
Yes, you do.
Go pick up my granddaughter.
- Granddaughter? - Oh, my God! Elka's your mother-in-law! Call me Mom! I can't believe we're married.
You can't believe it? What about me? First time I saw you, I imagined this moment and I thought, "No way.
" Now that it's actually happening, you know what I'm thinking? - "No way.
" - Oh, Bob.
(woman) Mr.
and Mrs.
Moore? Mrs.
Moore.
That's me! I'm not Scroggs anymore.
I'm Scroggs-free! Would you like to meet your daughter? Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my gosh.
Congratulations, you two.
Oh, thank you.
Would you look at her? All the babies in the world, and we got the best one.
I think so too.
- Our little girl! - I know.
[chuckles.]
I am gonna take care of you and love you and protect you forever.
And I'm gonna teach you to wait for the right man even if it takes a really long time.
Happy? So happy.
All the stupid mistakes I've made in my life, all the regrets I wouldn't change any of them.
'Cause they got me to this moment.
You're right.
Little things like getting a tattoo of another woman on your chest just seem so unimportant right now.
Nice try.
Well, maybe on our honeymoon I'll get a tan and we can tell people it's Bob Marley.
Oh, my God! Our honeymoon, Paris! - Ah! - We've got a plane to catch.
[baby cooing.]
Do you have a name yet? Yes.
Elizabeth.
But I think we're gonna call her Betty.
Never met a Betty I didn't like.
And they're always so pretty.
Seems so unreal to me flying to Paris again with all of you.
Only this time with a baby and a wonderful man.
The last time we were on this plane, we were all so unhappy.
Oh, we felt invisible and unwanted.
We thought our best years were behind us.
And then we crash-landed in Cleveland, of all places! And met Elka and had all kinds of adventures and romances and career changes and we became the people we are today.
And now our lives are gonna change again.
I just want you all to know that I have never learned more or laughed harder or had as much damn fun as I've had in the last six years! I mean, we doubled each other's joys, and we halved each other's sorrows.
So, yeah, things are gonna change, but I know one thing that will never change.
You're my friends.
You're my family.
You really are the loves of my life.
[tearfully.]
I love you.
Oh, Melanie.
To us.
(all) To us! Oh, and now I gotta get busy working on my stupid toast.
I think that was your stupid toast.
You're right, you're right! Okay, just forget you ever heard it, 'cause I'm gonna go write it down.
[plane juddering.]
(captain) This is Captain Reid speaking.
All passengers and flight attendants please take your seats and fasten your seatbelts.
Hey, I think I got my toast.
I had no doubt.
So how does your story end? UmI don't know.
I have a feeling something big is about to happen.
[juddering.]
[passengers exclaim.]
Okay, don't worry.
The plane's not gonna crash.
I mean, lightning does not strike twice.
- [lightning rumbles.]
- [passengers exclaim.]
Oh! [laughs.]
I'm scared.
It's gonna be okay.
Take my hand.
[Queen's You're My Best Friend plays.]
Ooh, you make me live Whatever this world can give to me It's you, you're all I see Ooh, you make me live, now, honey Ooh, you make me live Oh, you're the best friend That I ever had I've been with you such a long time You're my sunshine And I want you to know That my feelings are true I really love you - Ooh - Oh You're my best friend Ooh, you make me live Ooh, I've been wandering round But I still come back to you God, that was fun.
It truly was.
I loved it.
Same time next week? - You bet.
- Why not? - Let's do it.
- Wednesdays are our nights.
(Melanie) Yeah.
I like Wednesdays.