Hot Streets (2016) s01e00 Episode Script
Pilot
[Suspenseful music playing.]
[Snakes rattling.]
[Growling.]
[Gasping.]
Aah! [Cellphone rings.]
- Find anything of note out there? - No.
- What?! - Just a floating baby head.
Whoa.
We need to get you on the corner of 4th and Oxford.
It's a hot-streets case.
Please use discretion.
I guess we should check out that other thing.
Shouldn't we check this out? Get tissue, fluid samples? - I mean, what do we do with - You always overthink things.
It's a floating baby head.
- It's not going anywhere.
- Mm-hmm.
[Music.]
Another one without a body.
This is a hot-street case, so you can't talk about it, huh? - Who could do such a thing? - I'm not sure.
I'm Special Agent Baranski, and this is my partner - Hey! - Forensic Expert French.
What are you doing? From the stretching of the skin and the flexion fracture of the spine, looks like the head was ripped off.
It's clearly a human head identified by the human ears, skin, human eyes, and human teeth.
Kill by a monster or something.
[Growling.]
[People screaming.]
Aah! [Whimpers.]
[Growls.]
Let's use my truth serum formula.
Interrogate them.
There you go overthinking things again.
- Let's just punch them.
- If you say so.
[Growling.]
[Screams.]
Maybe we should just shoot them.
[Guns firing.]
[Guns clicking.]
[Growls.]
[Maniacal laugh.]
[Growls.]
See? That was easy.
Aah! [Title music.]
1x00 - Pilot How you holding up, Jen? I want you to know you can stay with me as long as you need.
Thanks, Uncle Mark.
I still can't believe Mom's gone.
You're my last living relative.
And I'm not going anywhere.
By the way, yesterday I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I'm gonna die.
- What?! - I've got about a week, and you'll have to move out when that happens.
- You'll be homeless.
- Uncle Mark! I don't have a will, so, uh, take my futuristic FBI computer phone.
- It's pretty cool.
- Wait.
Aren't you investigating brain monsters right now, and you have a brain tumor? Maybe there's a connection.
Jen, everybody gets brain tumors eventually.
That's life.
- There has got to be something you can do.
- I was referred to a surgeon, but I'm kind of busy right now chasing monsters and stuff.
- Maybe I'll see her later.
- Now! - Please! - I'll take care of it later.
All right, all right, I'll visit the brain surgeon.
La-a-te-e-r! And your phone, I-I can't Oh, there's some NSA-type programs on that thing.
You probably shouldn't use those.
[Door opens.]
Wait! [Door closes.]
If Uncle Mark dies, I'll be all alone.
[Whimpering.]
I get it.
You love me.
Who cares? You're just a dog.
[Sighs.]
Huh.
- Pretty dry on brain monster leads.
- Yeah, maybe we should take a break and get some brain surgery or something.
Dr.
Steven Davis referred me for brain stuff.
[Growls.]
Agent Baranski, we've been expecting you.
Welcome to our facility.
I'm Dr.
Jane Brainbrook, and I will be performing your surgery.
She's the surgeon? She's beautiful.
I think she looks like shit.
Well, now that you mention it, she does look like shit.
I've cloned a small piece of your cerebellum.
- It needs to gestate in your neck.
- There are two surgeries.
First she's going to grow a new piece of brain in your neck.
Then she's going to implant it inside your head, replacing the area affected by the tumor.
Sounds sketchy.
We should get a second opinion.
You're just overthinking things again.
Let's do it.
After we talk about anesthetics.
Ah, so I guess we're doing it without anesthetics.
- All right, that's fine.
- It'll take 30 minutes to gestate.
Then we can perform the second surgery.
Just one quick question about anesthetics.
Don't worry.
We'll put you out.
This is the clinic that diagnosed Uncle Mark's brain tumor.
Let's see if this phone works.
Scan criminal database.
Steven Davis, 46, conviction of medical fraud in 2002, battery third degree, 2005, practicing without a medical license in 2006.
Hey, what's the big deal?! Why you hologramming me?! Get him, Chubbie Webbers.
[Whimpering.]
- Ugh.
Get him! - Why should dogs do this?! But dogs aren't supposed to do this! I know you're not a real doctor.
Mark Baranski doesn't have a brain tumor, does he? [Groans.]
- Does he?! - Nobody has brain tumors, okay?! A lady at the James Newton Science Center pays me for fake referrals! She does experiments or something! [Groans.]
Fuu Ow.
So you're here for brain surgery, too? I don't trust Brainbrook.
I don't feel well.
- Well, you look pretty great.
- You look fantastic.
I can't see.
I think I'm losing my hearing! - [Loudly.]
I said you look great! - [Loudly.]
You look great! [Growls.]
[Growls.]
[Growling.]
Woman: Your first task, my brain brethren, is to kill Agent French.
Chubbie Webbers, I need you to wear a disguise and distract the guard while I sneak in.
[Whimpering.]
It doesn't matter what kind of disguise.
Just distract him.
[Whimpering.]
Oh, come on! [Whimpers.]
Want to play baseball? Come on! You know you want to! [Growls.]
[Grunts.]
Nice job, Chubbie Webbers.
[Nervous laugh.]
[Clamoring.]
Hi! We've got to get out of here.
If we don't perform an emergency surgery right now, your uncle will turn into a monster.
[Music.]
[Both gasp.]
I'm not ready to come out just yet.
What's Brainbrook's plan? [Maniacal laughter.]
- Time to overthink things.
- Ugh! - What's Brainbrook's plan? - She's cooking chili.
She's building an army of brain soldiers and teleporting them to Mars for planetary conquest.
- You think she's cooking chili.
- Yes.
- No.
Can you surgically remove it from Uncle Mark? I'm attached to his spine.
He'll die if you try to remove me.
How do we kill you without injuring my partner? There is an intralesional steroid vaccine an antidote, if you will in Brainbrook's lab in the east wing.
But it's impossible to get to unless you use Brainbrook's teleportation device.
Oh, damn it.
Let's see if I can get the teleporter running.
I might be able to get it to work, but it's dangerous.
I'd say there's a 90% chance of instant death.
There goes that.
[Whimpers.]
Are you sure? [Whimpering.]
I don't know what to say.
[Whirring.]
Chubbie Webbers! [Both whimpering.]
I can change the density between the two versions.
Huh.
[Clanking.]
- So what's your name? - I don't have a name.
- What's your favorite movie? - I've never seen a movie before.
- Where you from? - Your neck.
[Clanking.]
What's your favorite TV show? Remember, you're like a ghost.
They won't be able to hurt you.
[Whimpers.]
Go to the east wing and get the antidote.
It's all up to you, Chubbie Webbers.
[Music.]
[Growling.]
[Machine gunfire.]
Ow! He shot me in the heart! Ugh! Try not to shoot me in the heart again.
- That hurts.
- I'm sorry.
[Whimpering.]
[All growling.]
[Music.]
[Bubbling.]
- Are you okay? How's your heart? - I'll be fine.
He missed all the important valves.
If you're gonna get shot in the heart, this is the best way.
[Whimpering.]
Oh! Got to switch densities.
[Laughs.]
[Screaming.]
Chubbie Webbers! [Maniacal laughter.]
Dumbass! [Whimpering.]
Aah! [Evil snickering.]
We have to go in! Let's kill some mother [bleep.]
brain cells.
[All growling.]
[Guns firing.]
[Casings fall.]
[Grunting.]
Wait.
Before you kill me, I have one final request.
- Go on.
- There's so much I never got to experience in my short life.
Most regrettably, I will die a virgin.
Because we are connected, I feel what you feel.
Jen is here.
We have an opportunity.
Oh, so you're asking me to have sex with my niece.
It's all I ask.
Ugh! [Music.]
Sometimes your instincts fail you.
I thought for sure she was cooking chili.
I'm just glad you're okay.
You're all the family I have left.
And you're family, too, Chubbie Webbers.
[Whimpering excitedly.]
Looks like he wants a belly rub.
He's earned it, right? [Chuckles.]
He sure has.
[Sighing.]
[Moaning.]
You're doing a good job.
[Snakes rattling.]
[Growling.]
[Gasping.]
Aah! [Cellphone rings.]
- Find anything of note out there? - No.
- What?! - Just a floating baby head.
Whoa.
We need to get you on the corner of 4th and Oxford.
It's a hot-streets case.
Please use discretion.
I guess we should check out that other thing.
Shouldn't we check this out? Get tissue, fluid samples? - I mean, what do we do with - You always overthink things.
It's a floating baby head.
- It's not going anywhere.
- Mm-hmm.
[Music.]
Another one without a body.
This is a hot-street case, so you can't talk about it, huh? - Who could do such a thing? - I'm not sure.
I'm Special Agent Baranski, and this is my partner - Hey! - Forensic Expert French.
What are you doing? From the stretching of the skin and the flexion fracture of the spine, looks like the head was ripped off.
It's clearly a human head identified by the human ears, skin, human eyes, and human teeth.
Kill by a monster or something.
[Growling.]
[People screaming.]
Aah! [Whimpers.]
[Growls.]
Let's use my truth serum formula.
Interrogate them.
There you go overthinking things again.
- Let's just punch them.
- If you say so.
[Growling.]
[Screams.]
Maybe we should just shoot them.
[Guns firing.]
[Guns clicking.]
[Growls.]
[Maniacal laugh.]
[Growls.]
See? That was easy.
Aah! [Title music.]
1x00 - Pilot How you holding up, Jen? I want you to know you can stay with me as long as you need.
Thanks, Uncle Mark.
I still can't believe Mom's gone.
You're my last living relative.
And I'm not going anywhere.
By the way, yesterday I was diagnosed with a brain tumor and I'm gonna die.
- What?! - I've got about a week, and you'll have to move out when that happens.
- You'll be homeless.
- Uncle Mark! I don't have a will, so, uh, take my futuristic FBI computer phone.
- It's pretty cool.
- Wait.
Aren't you investigating brain monsters right now, and you have a brain tumor? Maybe there's a connection.
Jen, everybody gets brain tumors eventually.
That's life.
- There has got to be something you can do.
- I was referred to a surgeon, but I'm kind of busy right now chasing monsters and stuff.
- Maybe I'll see her later.
- Now! - Please! - I'll take care of it later.
All right, all right, I'll visit the brain surgeon.
La-a-te-e-r! And your phone, I-I can't Oh, there's some NSA-type programs on that thing.
You probably shouldn't use those.
[Door opens.]
Wait! [Door closes.]
If Uncle Mark dies, I'll be all alone.
[Whimpering.]
I get it.
You love me.
Who cares? You're just a dog.
[Sighs.]
Huh.
- Pretty dry on brain monster leads.
- Yeah, maybe we should take a break and get some brain surgery or something.
Dr.
Steven Davis referred me for brain stuff.
[Growls.]
Agent Baranski, we've been expecting you.
Welcome to our facility.
I'm Dr.
Jane Brainbrook, and I will be performing your surgery.
She's the surgeon? She's beautiful.
I think she looks like shit.
Well, now that you mention it, she does look like shit.
I've cloned a small piece of your cerebellum.
- It needs to gestate in your neck.
- There are two surgeries.
First she's going to grow a new piece of brain in your neck.
Then she's going to implant it inside your head, replacing the area affected by the tumor.
Sounds sketchy.
We should get a second opinion.
You're just overthinking things again.
Let's do it.
After we talk about anesthetics.
Ah, so I guess we're doing it without anesthetics.
- All right, that's fine.
- It'll take 30 minutes to gestate.
Then we can perform the second surgery.
Just one quick question about anesthetics.
Don't worry.
We'll put you out.
This is the clinic that diagnosed Uncle Mark's brain tumor.
Let's see if this phone works.
Scan criminal database.
Steven Davis, 46, conviction of medical fraud in 2002, battery third degree, 2005, practicing without a medical license in 2006.
Hey, what's the big deal?! Why you hologramming me?! Get him, Chubbie Webbers.
[Whimpering.]
- Ugh.
Get him! - Why should dogs do this?! But dogs aren't supposed to do this! I know you're not a real doctor.
Mark Baranski doesn't have a brain tumor, does he? [Groans.]
- Does he?! - Nobody has brain tumors, okay?! A lady at the James Newton Science Center pays me for fake referrals! She does experiments or something! [Groans.]
Fuu Ow.
So you're here for brain surgery, too? I don't trust Brainbrook.
I don't feel well.
- Well, you look pretty great.
- You look fantastic.
I can't see.
I think I'm losing my hearing! - [Loudly.]
I said you look great! - [Loudly.]
You look great! [Growls.]
[Growls.]
[Growling.]
Woman: Your first task, my brain brethren, is to kill Agent French.
Chubbie Webbers, I need you to wear a disguise and distract the guard while I sneak in.
[Whimpering.]
It doesn't matter what kind of disguise.
Just distract him.
[Whimpering.]
Oh, come on! [Whimpers.]
Want to play baseball? Come on! You know you want to! [Growls.]
[Grunts.]
Nice job, Chubbie Webbers.
[Nervous laugh.]
[Clamoring.]
Hi! We've got to get out of here.
If we don't perform an emergency surgery right now, your uncle will turn into a monster.
[Music.]
[Both gasp.]
I'm not ready to come out just yet.
What's Brainbrook's plan? [Maniacal laughter.]
- Time to overthink things.
- Ugh! - What's Brainbrook's plan? - She's cooking chili.
She's building an army of brain soldiers and teleporting them to Mars for planetary conquest.
- You think she's cooking chili.
- Yes.
- No.
Can you surgically remove it from Uncle Mark? I'm attached to his spine.
He'll die if you try to remove me.
How do we kill you without injuring my partner? There is an intralesional steroid vaccine an antidote, if you will in Brainbrook's lab in the east wing.
But it's impossible to get to unless you use Brainbrook's teleportation device.
Oh, damn it.
Let's see if I can get the teleporter running.
I might be able to get it to work, but it's dangerous.
I'd say there's a 90% chance of instant death.
There goes that.
[Whimpers.]
Are you sure? [Whimpering.]
I don't know what to say.
[Whirring.]
Chubbie Webbers! [Both whimpering.]
I can change the density between the two versions.
Huh.
[Clanking.]
- So what's your name? - I don't have a name.
- What's your favorite movie? - I've never seen a movie before.
- Where you from? - Your neck.
[Clanking.]
What's your favorite TV show? Remember, you're like a ghost.
They won't be able to hurt you.
[Whimpers.]
Go to the east wing and get the antidote.
It's all up to you, Chubbie Webbers.
[Music.]
[Growling.]
[Machine gunfire.]
Ow! He shot me in the heart! Ugh! Try not to shoot me in the heart again.
- That hurts.
- I'm sorry.
[Whimpering.]
[All growling.]
[Music.]
[Bubbling.]
- Are you okay? How's your heart? - I'll be fine.
He missed all the important valves.
If you're gonna get shot in the heart, this is the best way.
[Whimpering.]
Oh! Got to switch densities.
[Laughs.]
[Screaming.]
Chubbie Webbers! [Maniacal laughter.]
Dumbass! [Whimpering.]
Aah! [Evil snickering.]
We have to go in! Let's kill some mother [bleep.]
brain cells.
[All growling.]
[Guns firing.]
[Casings fall.]
[Grunting.]
Wait.
Before you kill me, I have one final request.
- Go on.
- There's so much I never got to experience in my short life.
Most regrettably, I will die a virgin.
Because we are connected, I feel what you feel.
Jen is here.
We have an opportunity.
Oh, so you're asking me to have sex with my niece.
It's all I ask.
Ugh! [Music.]
Sometimes your instincts fail you.
I thought for sure she was cooking chili.
I'm just glad you're okay.
You're all the family I have left.
And you're family, too, Chubbie Webbers.
[Whimpering excitedly.]
Looks like he wants a belly rub.
He's earned it, right? [Chuckles.]
He sure has.
[Sighing.]
[Moaning.]
You're doing a good job.