Hot Streets (2016) s01e02 Episode Script

Snake Island

"Hot Streets" J.
A.
S.
O.
N.
, scan substance.
J.
A.
S.
O.
N.
: Scanning.
Eiphola powder, native to Snake Island, toxic and hallucinogenic, street name "murder powder.
" Murder powder? [Snorts.]
Oh! - Chubbie Webbers! - Poot toom en speckulo puer naetus est teegris in perickulo.
[Groans.]
[Title music.]
[All screaming.]
1x02 - Snake Island Assistant Director Soo Park wants to see us.
I hope it's a meeting about me getting an office.
I already had a meeting about you getting an office.
- You didn't get one.
- Darn! Listen.
How about we share my office? - You can sit on my lap.
- You mean it? Ooh! Still, it's not the same.
Gentlemen, I'm sure by now you've noticed the huge rift in the sky with the terrifying face of a Snake God peering through.
- Yes.
- No.
We believe the cult, the 1st Church of the Serpentine Temple are opening the rift using murder powder.
Branski, I sent you a package to your home with a sample of the powder.
I never received such a package.
We need you to infiltrate their base.
How come you didn't send me the powder? I have a master's in chemistry.
- I could examine the - This artifact will aid your mission.
- It controls snakes, all snakes.
- Oh, I'll take that.
After all, I did minor in serpentology and You're not ready for this level of responsibility, French.
Branski has the seniority and the temperament for this.
[Warbling.]
Hey, French, check it out.
He's giving me snake kissies.
I want snake kissies.
You don't have the temperament to kiss snakes.
I agree.
Go to Snake Island and close that rift at all costs, or the Snake God will come and kill us all.
[Music.]
[Teeth clacking.]
Oh! - Murder powder? - Oh.
He wants more murder powder.
- Who's my little drug addict? - Me.
Oh, sorry.
We're all out.
[Groaning.]
I need that murder powder.
According to J.
A.
S.
O.
N.
, we're almost there.
[Clears throat.]
You know, I've been thinking about what Soo Park said - regarding responsibility.
- That you're not ready for it? I couldn't agree more.
Come on.
Let me hold the medallion.
[Alarm sounds.]
Something's disrupting my signal.
[Thunder crashes.]
The engines are out.
We're gonna crash! [Alarm sounds.]
It's okay.
I have a plan.
[All coughing.]
- My plan worked.
- Yes, it sure did.
[Music.]
Welcome to Snake Island.
Well, look what we got here.
Man: Halt, harbingers of evil.
[Music.]
It's French time.
[Guns click.]
[Music.]
[All scream.]
I minored in serpentology.
[Guns cock.]
Green: Lower your arms.
These are friends.
I'm Reverend Green.
I'm sorry about all this.
My followers are wary of newcomers.
You are obviously a very important person.
- Yes, I am.
I'm - Not you.
You, the Chosen One.
It is said that he who controls snakes will expedite the arrival of the Great Snake God.
- That is you.
- Me, French! - They chose me.
- With your magnificent powers, God will join us weeks ahead of schedule.
What happens when god arrives? The Great Snake God's presence will usher in 1,000 years of peace and happiness.
Yesterday, I shed my arms to become more snake-like to honor his homecoming.
- Your nubs look infected.
- They are.
We will have a feast in French's honor! I'm not one to waste good meat, so we shall dine on my arms.
Come.
The banquet area is - this way.
- You hear that, Branski? A feast in my honor! That's respect I can eat.
Jen, here's the plan.
I'm gonna eat that guy's arm.
Then, we kill their god.
You stay here and fix that helicopter.
[Music.]
Chubbie, I'm gonna investigate that temple.
- You fix the helicopter.
- Mur Murder powder? Murder powder is for doggies who fix helicopters.
[Muttering.]
[Beeps.]
J.
A.
S.
O.
N.
, analyze these glyphs.
Activating sequence.
[Gasps.]
Green: Let me say a prayer.
Oh, Snake Lord, we are nothing but sinful field mice digesting in your long, green belly.
May our guts pass through peacefully.
- [Hisses.]
Amen.
- Amen to that! Mmm.
Mmm.
They say the fingers are the oyster of the arm.
Agent Branski? [Chewing.]
I've tasted better arms.
[Music.]
Hey, Branski, check out my hair! - Well, look at that.
- And look, Branski, snake kissies.
[Smooching.]
Ooh.
That I don't like.
So when is this Great Snake God gonna show up? With the aid of the Chosen One, tonight! In fact, if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare for his arrival.
Please stay here and make yourselves comfortable.
Snake peace is within our grasp! All right, now is our time to kill their god.
What? But you heard the Reverend! The Snake God is peaceful.
The only true God is Jesus Christ.
Give me that medallion so I can go to the temple and push that big snake back into its space vagina.
Wait a minute! You always get to do the good stuff.
You get the powder, [Music.]
the medallion, the office, and now you want to be the hero, too? - Why can't I do it? - French, stick to the plan.
- Give me the medallion and I'll go up - Hm, I'm sorry, but I have my own plan.
If I can control snakes, then I can control god! And with his powers, I'll be able to solve all the Hot Streets cases.
Then Assistant Director Soo Park will be forced to give me respect and the office I deserve! [Birds chirping.]
Baranski: French is evil now.
Huh.
Look at all the murder powder! [Sighs.]
Chubbie would love this.
[Beeping.]
The Snake Cult uses murder powder to communicate with their god.
It created the interdimensional rift.
[Gasps.]
We can use this stuff to close the rift! Man: I can't wait to rid myself of this disgusting, horrible body.
Yes, we will all soon shed our bodies, including your particularly terrible one, when God comes and destroys our reality! It will be wonderful.
[Wind howling.]
Got to stop French, but how? [Snakes hissing.]
Hey, snakes, want to be friends? No? [Grunts.]
That's the thing about snakes.
They don't have bones.
I've got to warn Uncle Mark! [Beeping.]
[Gasps.]
All the murder powder? [Speaking indistinct evil.]
That dog ate my murder powder! [Guns cock.]
[All screaming.]
Yeah, burn them! Chubbie, you're the key to closing that rift.
Let's go.
[Wind howling.]
French, this isn't you.
Give me the medallion! I'm sorry, Branski.
Snake Frenchies.
[Music.]
It's like fighting spaghetti no bones.
[Wind howling continues.]
French, look at this.
It's the end of our existence! - What have you done? - I I-I just wanted an office.
- There are no more offices! - What have I done? [Cries.]
[Music.]
Oh, he is real.
[Music.]
Snake God, forgive me.
I was covetous, undeserving.
Illuminate me.
You are my god.
[Crack!.]
[Snake God screams.]
This is the only God I know.
- No! - Oh! - Oh, God! - Aah! [Wind howling.]
[Music.]
[Squeaks.]
Oh, thank you! [Speaks indistinctly.]
[Sobbing.]
Oh! Ho! Ho! Oh! I've been at this for 21 years, but this it stirs and struggles in my mind, a lot of complicated emotions.
Well, you did kill a Snake God.
My god.
It's just that I didn't think snakes had bones, - but they do.
- You broke God's neck.
Snakes have bones.
What a world.
[Music.]