Hot Streets (2016) s01e07 Episode Script

The Bractegon

[Fly unzips, growling noise.]
[Growling.]
[Growling.]
[Gun cocks.]
[Purring.]
[Gunshot.]
[Title music.]
1x07 - The Bractegon [Growling.]
[Lasers fire.]
[Screaming.]
Branski: If these Toilet Bowl Monsters are as predictable as I think they are, they'll be here in the sewers.
Attracted to the smell of their own dead.
So much to hate about these so-called Toilet Bowl Monsters.
Next thing you know, they'll crawl out of the toilet with tiny suitcases ready to move in.
Rent free.
That's not fair.
Toilet Bowl Monsters! [Screeching wildly.]
All right, everyone, no class next week, as I'll be on one amazing trip.
In the meantime, please direct your attention to the numerical puzzle I've left on the board.
Remember the words of our school's founder, and my great-grandfather, Harold Boddington "The world is a puzzle to be solved!" It's the spirit of our great university.
And anyone who can solve this while I'm gone will get an immediate "A" for the semester.
But good luck, you'd have to be a puzzle-solving genius.
Uh, Professor Lane! I think I've got it! Be my guest, Miss Sanders.
I think it's a new shape.
Has anybody ever seen a shape like this before?! Triangle.
[Laughter.]
I agree with the bully, Jennifer.
You did not provide an answer.
It's just a ridiculous shape.
[Bell rings.]
Class dismissed.
But, Professor Lane, I triple-checked that shape in my mind The Bractegon is more than a shape, Jennifer! - Bractegon?! - That word just slipped out, means nothing.
[Insects chirping.]
Man: Hey! [Music.]
J.
A.
S.
O.
N.
, call Matt.
Calling the guy you think is your boyfriend for some reason.
Jen, I'm kind of busy.
There's a weird guy following me.
Can you meet me on campus? I'm kind of busy.
Remember, you're the only girl for m Hello? - Hey! [Bark-talks.]
- What's he saying? Peenie Squeezie! His name is "Peenie Squeezie"? Uh-huh! Uh-huh! - Hey! [gun cocks.]
- Holy shit! Oof! Chubbie, don't [bleep.]
with Peenie Squeezie.
- Whuh? Whuh? - That shape! - Wh-whuh? - He wants us to follow him! The school's founder, Boddington what does he have to do with the shape? [Cling!.]
Hey! [Music.]
Hey! [Music.]
Nice work, Peenie Squeezie.
We've been expecting you.
[Gunfire.]
[Screeching.]
I'm out! French, get the last one! [Music.]
I I can't.
This Toilet Bowl Monster - is too handsome! - Pull the trigger! If he's pregnant, we're screwed! - I'm sorry! - Happens to the best of us.
I can only assume he's some sort of sex wizard for the Toilet Bowl Monsters.
We'll just have to go deeper to stop him.
My apologies for Peenie Squeezie, here.
- His methods are crude but effective.
- Who are you people? The Secret Society of the Bractegon! Professor Lane?! But you made fun of my new shape.
[Scoffs.]
Jen, what you drew wasn't new it's the very first shape.
We need your help for a special puzzle.
Do I have a choice? - Hey! - 'Course you have a choice! You have a special talent.
Nobody's ever solved that equation so quickly.
Will you join us on our quest to solve the ultimate puzzle? I'll need to check with my uncle.
Jen, will you come to the sewers right now? We're fighting Toilet Bowl Monsters.
They're smelly and nasty.
- I'm in.
- Misha Barron.
Professor of linguistics and lifelong puzzle enthusiast.
And I'm her husband, Leopold! I just do whatever the wife tells me.
And if it's Bractegons today, hey, let's have some fun! It's nice to be in the presence of high-minded people for once.
- Yes, especially Peenie Squeezie.
- Hey! Hey! [Whimpering.]
Professor Lane: My great-grandfather, Boddington, [Music.]
founded not only our school, but this Society.
And he chose this location for very specific reasons.
It stands directly on top of the only entrance to the lost city of Gulgonia! There lies an artifact, the Lost Puzzle, if you will, that when solved will change the world! Right, you sold me.
I'm in.
It's guarded by very intense puzzles! You know, before I married my wife, she never said one word about puzzles.
But when in Rome, right? Harold Boddington himself went through this door 70 years ago and never came out.
You sure you want to do this? The Founder's words were why I chose this school! Hey, le eh, let the girl have her fun! Then let's do it! And hey looks like our dogs are becoming friends.
Hey! Wh-wh-wh-whuh? Wh-wh-wh-whuh [Wailing.]
- Hey! - Oof! Wh-wh-wh-wh-whuh.
[Rumbling.]
[Music.]
[Heavy thud.]
Dang! Why's everything so loud? Right? No way out now Good.
I am not leaving until we solve these puzzles.
Expect traps.
The smelly and nasty Gulgons would do anything to protect the Lost Puzzle.
- Don't touch anything.
- "Smelly and nasty"? Sheesh! [Music.]
Thanks, pal! - Hey! - Aaghh! - Hyah! - Oof! Ohh.
[Music.]
Keep clear of the slime.
Slime? Give me a break over here! Slime.
[Warbles.]
Oof! [Both grunt.]
Misha! Just go! Leave me! All right, come on, honey! Fun's over.
- Unstick yourself! - I can't.
We'll die together.
Huh.
Damn.
Okay.
Well, that kind of sucks.
Shame.
They just didn't have it.
This key must belong to one of these doors, but which one?! [Music.]
[Breathing heavily.]
This is a leap of faith, Jennifer.
A classic optical illusion puzzle.
You really think this ceiling is lowering on us? Yes! I do! [Wailing.]
Oh, come on.
You're smarter than this.
Spikes? Obviously not real.
Aghh! My head hurts for some reason This Bractegon has a slight rectangle on the bottom, not a square! Go ahead, run away from the [Cracking, splat.]
[Rumbling.]
Aaah! [Grunts.]
- Jump, Chubbie! - Hey! [Wails.]
You can do it, Peenie Squeezie! Hey Heeeeeeeey! Peenie Squeeezieeee! Look, Chubbie.
It's him! Founder Boddington! This is where he got stuck actually stuck, too.
On this Word Jumble.
I don't know why he couldn't figure this one out.
It's pretty easy.
[Rumbling, creaking.]
[Shing!.]
My word.
What what year is it, dear girl? I don't want to shock you, sir, but it's the future.
You were punished for giving the wrong answer.
It was "Zupelz" the common 19th-century exclamation given when a mother successfully births twins.
Amazing! You freed me.
You've got a lot of pure puzzle power in you.
Well, "the world is a puzzle to be solved.
" Ha! I used to say something a little like that.
Shall we? The lost city of Gulgonia! No one has laid eyes on this place for thousands of years.
It's incredible.
[Grunts.]
Home of the ugly little Gulgon creatures.
I suspect they've all died off.
[Chittering.]
[Music.]
The jewel of Gulgonia.
Th The Sacred Temple of the Puzzle! Young lady, when I said "the world was a puzzle to be solved," I meant it.
This puzzle controls the shape of the Earth.
And when it's solved, you and I will change the world to its purest and final form a Bractegon! What are you talking about? Ohh, my penis is hard thinking about it.
[Screeching.]
[Gasps.]
[Howling, shrieking.]
[Gunshot.]
[Wailing.]
Stop, Jen.
You don't want to touch that globe puzzle.
But the Founder and I are gonna solve the puzzle - of Earth together.
- And kill billions in the process.
One twist and turn of that globe thing and half the world eats it.
We had a chat with their village elder, Wise Leader Gizzaro, here.
These Toilet Bowl Gulgons are smart.
- And handsome! - You cannot solve the planet puzzle, for the planet puzzle was already solved long ago.
We are its sworn protectors.
Earth will never be a Bractegon ever again.
I guess not all puzzles are meant to be solved.
No! I must solve it! [Music.]
Like hell you will.
I love round Earth! [Both grunting.]
[Music.]
- What in the? - That's Pure Puzzle Energy! To contain it, one must solve the Ultimate Puzzle.
It's beyond any mortal capacity! Not even the Gulgons can solve this one! What kind of puzzle is it?! The one I was born to solve! [Thud!.]
[Music.]
[Speaking gibberish, echoing.]
[Speaking gibberish.]
[Thwack!.]
[Music.]
That should be me! I want the pure puzzle energy! [Ethereal chiming.]
Huh.
Yes! I feel the puzzle power! [Crrrack!.]
Wait! [Groans.]
Wait! [Groans.]
[Crrrack!.]
[Thud.]
[Screeching excitedly.]
How did you contain the puzzle energy like that?! I ran into outer space and a portal opened up.
I split into a dozen multicolored copies of myself, all running in unison.
There was this majestic music and giant circular flashes of colored light.
Then I found myself standing before a giant alien head.
- He said - [speaking gibberish.]
and then I replied with [speaking gibberish.]
There was a whip sound [Thwack!.]
and then I returned.
I transferred the energy to Boddington, turning him into a Bractegon, thus saving the world.
[Chittering.]
French, I'd like to introduce you to my wife and children.
Twins? You're a little virile sex machine, aren't you.
Zupelz to you both! [Rumbling.]
Not again! [Snarling.]
Hey! [Wailing.]
- Wh-wh-wh-whuh.
- Oh, Peenie Squeezie!