Hot Streets (2016) s01e09 Episode Script

Squid of the Dead

Butter-cooked cod with extra butter sauce.
- And for you, sir? - Make that two, with a double-bakie chee-burger on the side.
Huh.
[Zip!.]
[Zip!.]
French, I want to test something.
Look at our waiter.
Now take a quick look at that cook.
[Zip!.]
- I'm scared, Branski.
- On three, you look at the cook while I look at the waiter.
One two three! [Zip!.]
Why are you in two places at once? - Not just two places, but everywhere.
- Waaah! What you're doing is pissing me off! Everyone should be in one place at one time! Yeah, but you can't stop me.
It's a free country.
He's right.
We have to respect his rights as an American.
[Zip!.]
Do we have a problem here, sir? All of you have a problem me! Ahh! Branski, you've officially lost your cool! 1x09 - Squid of the Dead I can't believe I had to get all dressed up for some stupid peace treaty with fish.
Shh.
Quiet.
I hate to say it, but you've been turning into a regular hothead lately.
20 years ago, my people, the Veck, clashed with you land-humans in the Great Sea Wars.
But after two decades of diplomacy, we take the final steps to ensuring that never happens again.
I picked one of your kind who will accompany me to our underwater capital to sign the peace treaty.
[Quietly.]
Better not be Mark Branski.
And I chose Agent Mark Branski.
[music.]
Rrr! - Congratu - How do I get out of this? You know I hate water.
- Mark, what is the deal with you lately? - He lost his cool.
You don't have a choice Ambassador Claktar personally requested you, for some reason.
You need to keep calm and sign that treaty for the sake of peace.
- French, help him keep his cool.
- Can I come, too? Can Fronch, my pet from Nursery Rhyme Land, also come? I taught him how to talk.
Can I come? It would mean the world to me.
Yes, Fronch, of course.
It goes without saying you can come, too.
Cool! Agent Branski, I must say that you and your land friends look truly stunning in our traditional Veck garb.
I think your garb is tacky and outlandish.
Excellent! I see the honestly pills you just took are already working.
As you know, Veck don't lie.
Taking these pills will help you assimilate to our culture.
I'm ashamed of how my genitalia look in these bikinis.
Whoops! I guess that's how I honestly feel.
Very good, Agent French.
Telling the truth must feel liberating.
How much longer to get to your city, Constable Geral? We're almost there, Jen of the Surface.
You must be excited.
You're the first Land Striders to set foot in our capital.
Well, it might be the honesty pills talking, but I think you're all culturally and intellectually inferior to humans.
Whooaaoo! Jen's a racist! - I am! - I'm sorry to hear this.
Jen of the Surface, you are now required to attend our Veck Cultural Sensitivity Seminar.
It will show you the error of your hateful thoughts.
It probably won't do anything.
I'm not open to new ideas about race.
Honesty yields many surprises.
Speaking of which, I want you to kill me.
- What?! - I want you to murder me.
How can I make this clear? - Well, I do want to punch you.
- Not good enough.
Kill me.
You're supposed to be the hothead, right? Partner, you got to keep your cool, remember? If you want to punch someone, punch me! Ugh! You'll kill me later.
It's all part of my devious plan.
But for now, we're here.
Welcome, everyone, to the city of Ekreeson Jewel of the Ocean! [music.]
Chubs, we're pets, so we didn't have to take honesty pills.
- Do you know what that means? - Unh-unh.
It means we can lie! Stick with me, and we'll lie ourselves into sexual heaven with loose Veck floozies.
Why do you want me to kill you? I don't want peace.
I'm a warmonger.
You're gonna sign this peace treaty whether you like it or not.
French, help me! I'm losing my cool! Me, Branski! Punch me! Argh! Arrest me, too.
I'm his accomplice.
Does anyone have any dishonesty pills? My plan wasn't for you to punch me and get arrested, you idiot! My plan is for you to kill me! - It'll be my pleasure.
- Not here! You have to kill me where people are watching.
We're heading to the Signing Room to sign that peace treaty.
Ooh, the Signing Room televised! Excellent place to kill me.
I don't think I can do this.
I really do want to kill him.
That's his plan.
You need to do the opposite of what you're thinking to thwart him.
Hug and kiss him? Whenever you have bad thoughts, hug and kiss him.
Narrator: In the Great Sea Wars, the Veck suffered tremendously from humanity's atrocities.
But rather than vengeance, we buried our fallen in our sacred Squid of the Dead and forgave and now look to start a new peace.
We do it for her future.
We do it for all our futures.
Now do you see why your words were so wrong? - No.
- A shame.
We can watch the signing of the treaty here.
- Where are your land pets? - I honestly don't care.
Lying gets you anything.
Check this out.
Pardon me I just wanted you to know that I'm very good at pleasuring Veck women.
- [Quietly.]
I'm really not.
- [Laughing.]
Oh! Oh, I'm intrigued.
My friend Chubbie Webbers.
He's as handsome as they get.
- Really? - Yes! [Quietly.]
Not really.
I'm lying! Here's my gun.
Y-You're going to need it to shoot me in front of the audience.
- This is humiliating! - Hug him! Kiss him! No! Kill me! Just sign right here by your name.
[music.]
- Aaaaah! - Noooo! [Indistinct shouting.]
He was asking for it! [Siren wailing.]
Something's wrong here.
I'm gonna gather clues and help my uncle escape from jail.
If you do that, I'll arrest you, so don't do that.
[music.]
The death of Claktar by the Land Strider is an act of war! We will take the surface from the humans.
Prepare the War Whales.
[Whales calling.]
Well, that's that.
I'm resigned to my new life as a convict.
They serve cod, I have a cot, catch my winks keep me cool forever.
Branski, we're at war.
We need to get out of here.
It's time for you to really lose your cool.
Sorry, but I got my cool back.
The key is to forget about your problems.
Then they go away.
When you're comfortable, like I am now, you don't tempt fate.
At this point, nothing can make me lose my cool.
[Sighs.]
I guess I have to do this.
Guy from the seafood restaurant, are you here? Yes.
I'm everywhere.
My name is Cass, I'm everywhere, and there's nothing you can do about it, - because it's a free country.
- Cass is everywhere.
- Are you okay with this? - Leave me alone.
How was your butter-cooked cod? God damn it! Shut up! No, I want to keep talking.
It's a free country.
Gahhh! [music.]
Branski! Guards! [music.]
- Hop in.
- I hate the Veck.
Me too! They're intellectually inferior.
Not because of that, you bigot! [Sirens wailing.]
I found clues that Claktar wants to start the war again.
We have to prove he's still alive.
- How are we gonna do that? - By going inside the Squid of the Dead.
There it is! - But we'll never clear that fence! - Like hell! [music.]
Damn.
We can't follow them.
- Why not? - I'm too scared.
[music.]
Jen: All the Veck are buried here when they die.
If Claktar really is dead, he'll be here.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
Oh, my God! - What now? Chubbie just texted me a video of Fronch - having sex with a woman.
- I'd like to see that.
Sorry, but it's true.
God damn these honesty pills! Man, my stinger is raw! [Door opens.]
Did you two have sex with my wife?! No.
And that's the truth.
Oh.
Then my apologies.
I had sex with both of them.
It was awful! They're very selfish lovers.
Oh, no, no, no! Oh, hunh-unh! Hunh-unh! - Oh, they didn't? - Yes, they did! They ran me raggedy-snaggedy! Raggedy-snaggedy?! I've made my decision.
[Gun powering up.]
This is Claktar's tomb.
Empty.
Claktar must be alive.
[Gun cocks.]
Claktar: And with a gun.
- You set me up, Claktar.
Why? - I've been honest the whole time.
I needed someone to frame to start this war.
And this time, the Veck will win! You, Branski, were the perfect hothead to make my murder believable.
You killed me, and now I kill you.
- Seems fair.
- No.
It doesn't.
Ambassador Claktar, you're under arrest for being alive.
Great! So you'll stop the attack? Actually, no.
A lot of Claktar's plan makes sense.
Humans sort of suck.
Plus, I'm also a warmonger at heart.
This will be my legacy.
That's it.
I'm sick of this shit.
I'm taking this fish and riding it all the way home! [music.]
You can't do that! This is our sacred graveyard! If you like it so much, why don't you die here?! [music.]
[Roars.]
[music.]
[Seagulls crying.]
- Did you sign the peace treaty? - No.
Where's Chubbie Webbers and Fronch? I just got a text from Fronch a minute ago.
They're doing great! Ohh! At least we got some good news.
Because Hot Streets is in danger.
One of our greatest foes has returned.
Oh, Hot Streets.
Your candy castle is about to crumble.